¶ Batman
(male narrator) A tranquil day in Gotham City
and what could be more soothing
than a couple of hours in Minerva's Mineral Spa.
For a millionaire who does nothing but count his money
you stay in pretty fair condition.
Oh, I try to keep pretty active with..
...falconry and spelunking..
...and you people here at Minerva's Mineral Spa
keep me in pretty good shape.
Well, that'll about do it for you, sir.
Unless you'd like one of
Minerva's eggplant-jelly vitamin scalp massages.
No, I've got to get dressed and get out. Thank you.
But for another millionaire not so pressed for time
the renowned scalp massage of Minerva
one of Gotham City's most beautiful and glamorous women
is about to produce some amazing results.
Tell me, darling
how did you collect that divine fortune of yours?
By never taking a beautiful woman at face value, Minerva.
Tell me some more, darling.
Tell me where do you keep that fortune.
[intense music]
[whirring]
Two million dollars worth of negotiable securities
in the grandfathers clock. Of course.
Well, of course!
There you are, darling.
(Minerva) 'Atlas, put Mr. Dozier into my parfume pressurizer.'
And still another millionaire..
Tell me, darling
how did you become a rich television producer?
By never hiring method actors, Minerva
and by always ignoring network executives.
Tell me some more.
Where do you keep that lovely loot of yours?
[intense music]
[whirring]
In the television set, of course.
But, of course!
(Minerva) 'Here you are, darling.'
I hope you enjoyed your treatment.
Minerva, after every visit to your spa
I always feel like a new man.
I feel like a new man too, Bruce.
- 'Bruce. Bruce Wayne.' - Hello, Sam. How are you?
Thank you, Bruce, my wife was absolutely thrilled
to get that invitation to the private Wayne Foundation
showing of the greatest diamonds in the world next week.
It'll be an interesting affair. The major stones are here.
Under lock and key, I hope.
Oh, yes, they're quite safe in the Wayne Foundation vault.
Oh, Minerva, has my wife shown up to pick me up yet?
I'll check with Aphrodite.
Anything wrong, darling?
I thought I left my wristwatch in this box.
Aphrodite, did Mr. Shubert's wife arrive yet?
Yes, she's in the waiting room.
- This way please. - Oh, thank you.
Minerva, Bruce, I'll see you later.
Yes, goodbye, sir.
You were saying?
Oh, it's nothing. I must've been mistaken.
- Good day. - Come back soon, darling.
Those emeralds, Minerva.
They were in Mrs. Carson's cookie jar, just like you said.
Of course they were.
But I'm no longer interested in emeralds.
Now, that I have a way to get into the Wayne Foundation vault.
- That watch! - Yes, that watch.
With this watch, I'm going to have my hands
on the worlds largest diamonds.
And thus, glorious, glamorous, glittering, power!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na na na ¶
¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
Freddie, I have some fast fencing for you to do.
I am not known as the fat French Freddie the Fence for nothing.
Shortly I'll have the combination
of the Wayne Foundation vault.
And then you'll have the world's largest diamonds to fence.
Famous diamonds are not easy to fence, Minerva.
[chuckles]
If I can get them, Freddie, you can fence them.
[chuckles]
Frankly, I'm stumped.
And only Mr. Dozier knew those securities
were in that grandfather's clock.
And Mr. Horwitz's cash out of his TV set.
But someone else stole 'em, commissioner.
That's right, and Mrs. Shubert pearls outta her tea urn
and Mr. Converse's bonds out of his sleeping bag.
Well, if you ask me, the millionaires in the city
certainly choose strange hiding places for their valuables.
But known only to themselves,Barbara.
Each swears no other soul alive was in on their secret.
But we oughta let someone else in on our problem, commissioner.
Your problem, Chief O'Hara, is that leg of yours
that you sprained when you were playing Ping-Pong.
I'll take care of the little things like, uh
stolen bonds and emeralds and, uh, securities.
You've found my watch, Minerva.
Yes. It must've fallen outta the box when I unlocked it.
I'll send someone down for it.
Why don't you come for it yourself?
[beeping] 'A special treat for you.'
A treat, Minerva?
- I'll be there shortly. - One moment, sir.
- Yes, commissioner. - 'Batman, we need your help.'
About a rash of robberies for which there is no explanation.
'Millionaire William Dozier's securities stolen'
'out of grandfather's clock.'
Oil heiress Camille Carson's emeralds from her cookie jar.
(Gordon) 'Producer Howie Horwitz's cash out of his TV set.'
We'll be there as quickly as possible, commissioner
but first I have one errand to run.
- Did you hear that, Dick? - A bit.
Emeralds, cookie jars, bonds and TV sets.
It's the victims that make this case intriguing
and unique, they're all immensely wealthy.
And they're all frequenters of Minerva's Mineral Spa.
Gosh, Bruce, would Minerva stoop to something like that?
It's hard to believe, Dick. She's so beautiful.
And worth investigating.
- To the Bat-poles? - You to the Bat-poles, Dick.
You take the Batmobile with a spare Bat-suit for me
and I want you to meet me behind the spa.
I'll take my own car and be sure and find you.
Roger.
I came here to pick up a watch.
And I get a free eggplant-jelly vitamins scalp massage.
That was my special little treat on the house
because of that silly misunderstanding
over your watch.
Now this is only going to take a minute.
[intense music]
[whirring]
'The combination to the Wayne Foundation vault.'
Right seven times to eight..
...left four times past six to eleven.
Right twice to nine, left to three.
And...open.
[music continues]
Oh! That was marvelous, Minerva.
Uh, there you are, my darling.
Your root ends are really glowing.
Here you are, darling.
Thank you.
Are you sure I can't pay you anything
for the special treatment, Minerva?
Seeing you again was payment enough.
[phone ringing] Excuse me.
Minerva's Mineral Spa.
Lord Easy Street.
'Hello, Easy.'
'I haven't seen you for ages.'
I'll meet you in the alley in a moment.
I don't know what's up but I suspect
Batman and Robin should investigate further.
Yes, yes, 4:30 is good enough for a scalp massage.
Tell Commissioner Gordon that we might be detained.
Divine, darling.
'Divine.'
- How'd it go, Minerva? - Beautifully.
But..
(Minerva) 'Hello.'
We like the full treatment, please.
Well, of course, register for both.
Yourself and your son.
Although I'd be proud if he were this is not my son
this is Robin the Boy Wonder. I'm Batman.
Oh, I'm so sorry, I couldn't recognize your face
but your physic was very familiar.
Check your valuables and after disrobed
Adonis and Apollo are going to start you off.
We have no valuables to check.
And if we disrobed we'd reveal our secret true identities.
Too bad. You can't get the value of my mineral spa fully dressed.
Our boots, leotards, gauntlets, capes, cowls
and even our utility belts are more permeable
than you might think.
Shall we start?
This way, gentlemen.
[intense music]
What's the matter, Minerva?
I don't know.
But my female intuition tells me there's something wrong.
I had a strange feeling that millionaire Bruce Wayne
was issuing instruction through his watch.
Huh?
And Batman is a close friend of his.
Be sure that those Dynamic Darlings
get our full treatment.
Including some extra pressuring in my parfume pressurizer.
Persimmon pressurizer, Minerva.
Call it whatever you want but do it..
...while I'm going to Wayne Foundation vault.
Yes, I'm looking forward to Minerva's
famous eggplant-jelly vitamin scalp massage.
Minerva thought you might pop them into the pressurizer first.
Persimmon Pressurizer?
Holy astringent plum-like fruit!
Only astringent until ripe, Robin.
I think you'll find the experience most palatable.
This way, gentlemen.
Atlas, what's up?
Minerva wants them permanently pressurized.
[intense music]
The experience may be palatable, Batman
but I don't like the looks of this thing.
Me neither, Robin.
It's not how the pressurizer looks that counts, Batman.
It's how you're going to look when you're in it.
And when it's finished with you!
[dramatic music]
So Mischievous Minerva pursues her malfeasant maneuver
at the Wayne Foundation.
"Left to three."
And..
...voila.
Oh.
Oh! You beautiful, beautiful, darlings.
Oh. I love you. I love you!
Some more.
While our fearless crime-fighters
face a fate usually befalling frozen foods.
Holy human pressure cookers.
An apt expression, Robin.
Too apt.
Minerva, they're gone.
They are not gone, they are just not here.
Isn't that the same thing?
They're completely pressurized.
There's nothing left of the little darling.
Let's take off with their loot.
Not until my dear friend Lord Easy Street
has his vitamin scalp massage at 4:30.
Why wait for that?
Because he's the world's richest man.
And just think about those thoughts he's going to transfer.
Think about the thoughts that millionaire Bruce will
transfer to the police when he finds out the diamonds are gone.
I reset the dial.
It'll them at least two weeks before they can get in.
And in the meanwhile..
But in the meantime, what's this?
The pressurized cantainer's alive?
And heading into the Bat-cave on the double.
Where a vastly relieved Alfred awaits them.
I must say, sir, I'm delighted to see you both.
We're delighted to be here.
And wouldn't be if Batman hadn't the foresight
to pop steam neutralizing Bat-pellets
into his utility belt.
Steam neutralizing Bat-pellets?
I'll explain in more detail later.
Now I must get to Commissioner Gordon.
About Madam Minerva, I presume.
Definitely about Minerva.
Her three Greek goons popped us into a human pressure cooker.
Oh, my word.
And soon we'll be finding out how Minerva fits in to this.
And how you may be fitting in to the picture.
Me?
My three beautiful boys put Batman and Robin
in my parfume pressurizer
and pressurized them to death?
[chuckles]
(Minerva) 'That's utter nonsense.'
It isn't nonsense that they tried to, Minerva.
How young and healthy you boys look after treatment in my spa.
We're lucky we even look alive after that pressure cooking.
I am so sorry.
Something must've gone wrong with one of the machines.
But to accuse me and my staff
for attempting murder is completely ridiculous.
Well, now that this little misunderstanding
is straightened out--
Not exactly straightened out, Minerva.
Just where did you pick up those three male assistants?
I don't pick up man.
Man pick me up.
(Minerva) 'But really, Batman, don't be so square.'
In an hour's time I have an appointment
with my dear old friend Lord Easy Street
for a vitamin scalp massage.
I mustn't disappoint him.
Oh, no, of course not.
I'm sorry we inconvenienced you by asking you to come here.
Not at all.
May I show you to the elevator?
Yes, please.
Oh, Barbara, Minerva, my daughter.
Hello.
Goodbye.
Well, the fabulous Minerva.
Who knows just how fabulous.
What's the matter? You all look as sober as a glass of water.
An attempt on one's life has a rather sobering effect.
Someone tried to kill you, Batman and Robin?
Was Minerva involved?
It's hard to say at this point.
Sure'n it is.
Uh, what are you plans, Batman?
Chief O'Hara, I happen to know someone
who bears a striking resemblance to Lord Easy Street.
Gosh, yes, so you do, Batman.
And if he were to be...detained
so that he couldn't make his 4:30 appointment at Minerva's--
Say no more, Batman.
Lord Easy Street was in the library only this morning
looking for a rare volume on the Vespers Sparrow.
He's a multimillionaire bird watcher among his other multi's.
I could call and tell him I found the book
'which indeed I did at one of the branch libraries.'
That should distract him
from any other plans he might have this afternoon.
What a charming and beautiful lady Minerva is.
We should all be ashamed of our suspicions.
[phone ringing]
Commissioner Gordon.
What? What?
(Gordon) 'What?'
Well, of course, we'll get on it at once.
What was all that?
The head of security at the Wayne Foundation
someone's tampered with the vault
containing all those diamonds for their private showing.
The combination's been changed
and no ones knows if anything's taken.
I must get in touch with Bruce at once.
You mean, millionaire Bruce Wayne.
I believe he's out of town for the day.
I'd better make that phone call about the book.
I think His Lordship is staying at the Gotham Towers.
Who is that man who bears such a striking resemblance
to multimillionaire Lord Easy Street?
Coincidentally it's millionaire Bruce Wayne's butler Alfred.
You won't believe this but they are still alive.
We'd better make tracks quick then.
Not until my dear old friend Lord Easy Street..
Go on, boys. Go on.
Hello, Minerva.
My dear, surely you recognize me.
I'm Lord Easy Street.
Oh, of course, Easy.
It's only that you're little bit thinner
and a little tiny bit older.
Well, years have a way of catching up
with us multimillionaires, Minerva.
Just as with the common people.
But perhaps your eggplant-jelly vitamin scalp massage
might prove, uh, rejuvenating.
It does wonders, Easy.
Not miracles, but wonders.
Shall we try?
They're gone!
Every diamond in that vault is gone.
Batman, how could you have opened a vault
to which you didn't know the combination in three seconds?
With my three seconds flat
Bat-vault combination unscrambler, commissioner.
Amazing.
I must notify the insurance companies at once.
We must throw a cordon of police around the Gotham City. Come on.
Well, Batman, back to the Bat-cave?
No, Robin. To Minerva's Mineral Spa.
I strongly suspect she extracted the combination to this vault
from Bruce Wayne's brain
via her eggplant-jelly vitamin scalp massage.
Holy skull tap.
Exactly, Robin.
Which she might be doing at this very moment with Alfred.
Extracting secrets he must never reveal.
To the spa.
While at this very minute
Barbara Gordon has had a similar hunch.
Has made her challenging change in to Batgirl.
And is off to do her bit for Alfred.
Aboard the Batgirl's Cycle.
Just relax, darling
and think about your many, many, many millions.
[intense music]
It should be clear to almost anyone
that I'm not multimillionaire Lord Easy Street.
(Minerva) 'But actually I am..'
But actually I am..
'But actually I am..'
Go on, darling, don't stall now.
Don't stall!
Batgirl, stop it. Stop it.
- Stop it. - Yes, let go.
Adonis, Apollo, come and help.
Help! Help!
Grab her, grab him.
He's a darling old phony.
Put them both in my parfume pressurizer.
While I get Freddie the Fence and start packing.
[intense music]
Higher, boys. Put it on higher.
Freddie the Fence has flown.
Extra steam neutralizing Bat-pellets, Batman?
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
I must say, Batgirl, it was rather fortunate
that this thing short-circuited
before I divulged my..
Our little secret.
Yes, I'd say it was too, Alfred.
[imitating Minerva] Darling.
[intense music]
So, darlings, you caught Freddie the Fence
just before he flew.
At the airport, Minerva.
Just as he started to sing.
I told you, Minerva, it is not easy to fence famous diamonds.
Easier than to try to fly without wings, Freddie.
There are more song birds in the rear of the store.
Plus a canary named Aphrodite.
Maybe I should've called it Minerva's Musical Spa.
It has rhythm, Minerva.
So has the paddy wagon and it's raring to go.
Go on.
How divine.
I'm going to make Gotham State Prison
the world's most elegant spa.
[instrumental music]
What happened to Batgirl?
Who knows, Robin.
Who ever knows?
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na Na na na na ¶
¶ Batman