¶ Batman
Alchemical Bank and Trust company.
A financial institution so conservative
it pays no interest at all.
But while the customers and tellers
transact the business of the day
black magical events are brewing
for Dr. Cassandra, the evil alchemist, is about to unleash
her terrible swift sword.
Ready, Cabala?
Like always, Dr. Cassandra baby.
(Dr. Cassandra) 'Groovy.'
(Cabala) 'Wild.'
(Dr. Cassandra) 'Alright, Cabala.'
[ominous music]
[knock on head]
[punching face]
[ominous music]
How can that be?
Twenty six eye-witnesses who didn't see a thing.
Ha ha..
Yes, we'll get on it right away.
It's good to have you with me, Chief O'Hara.
After all these years,
we can anticipate each other's thoughts.
At times like this, Commissioner
anyone can read your mind.
It's Batman we need and fast.
Very neatly put, Chief.
[grunting]
What's goin' on here?
[ominous music]
[grunting]
Yes, Commissioner.
(Dr. Cassandra) ' Bat-Fink.'
Ba--
- Who is this speaking? - 'Dr. Cassandra'
'World famous alchemist, occult science practitioner'
'and all around evil doing swinger.'
Where's the commissioner?
'Zip your lip while I lay the word on you, Bat-cat.'
'I'm gonna put Gotham City in a trance.'
'and there's not a thing you or that junior birdman'
'can do about it.'
'Ha ha ha ha.'
What's wrong?
There's a new fiend in town, Dick.
[maniacal laughter]
To the Bat-poles.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na na ¶
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
[tires screeching]
I arrived just after whatever happened happened
and applied first aid techniques, but..
...they're such stubborn men.
Regular Florence Nightingale she is anyway.
Oh, it was incredible, Batman.
This mysterious unseen force, poundings.
To coin a phrase, "there is less here than meets the eye."
Far less.
Begorrah, Batman, that Doctor..
...whatever her name is has struck six times
'in the past three hours.'
It's impossible to stop her.
Do you have any description of her for us to go on?
None, Boy Wonder.
And how can we capture someone we can't see?
It's all so unbelievable.
There is no such thing as an invisible man
or invisible woman.
Perhaps we've all been intentionally baffled.
The way a magician operates. Now you see it, now you don't.
Holy disappearing act.
Miss Gordon, do you have any volumes
at the Gotham City Public Library
on the occult sciences?
Any number of them, Batman.
Perhaps we should look at them, Robin.
Such a tome might open this..
...door to the unknown.
Good thinking Batman.
But you'll need more than books
to vanquish this entrancing foe.
[ominous music]
[maniacal laughter]
(Dr. Cassandra) 'Alright, Cabala..'
'...time for our anti-antidote pill.'
Ha ha ha.
How do these pills work, doccy baby?
Are we really invisible?
No, Cabala. But we may as well be.
You see, after taking the pill, we blend into the background
so perfectly that no one can see us.
Not even someone else who takes the pill.
That's why we keep bumping into each other.
Husbands and wives are supposed to bump
into each other now and then.
Now, Cabala, cut the personal kick. This is business!
Well, can't we cool business? We've already stolen
six hundred thousand dollars.
Now, now, money isn't everything, honey.
Cabala, money is what makes my occult world go round.
The power to make other cats do what I crave them to do.
- Dig. - Dug.
Doccy baby, but why the hang up?
Because I intend to succeed where my foremothers failed.
Foremothers?
The ancient alchemy bit has been handed down
for generations to the females of my family.
All abject failures, nowheresville.
Yeah, just like my family.
They couldn't wait for the depression..
...they went broke during the boom.
My great grandmother discovered how to transmute
base metals into gold.
But she cut out when she added CH3, CH2, H2, and NO2.
Put them all together, they spell TNT.
They found pieces of her as far away as Londinium
Man, that was a trip.
Now, grandma perfected a universal solvent..
...fell in the stuff and was universally dissolved.
Wow.
We buried her in a thimble.
Well, how about dear old mommy-o?
Ahh, dear old mommy-o cashed in
when she perfected a perpetual motion machine..
...tripped and was ground to bits by it.
Man, you sure come from a long line of winners, baby.
Doesn't hang me up, love.
Because I have a plan that'll sway your brain cells.
Lay it on me.
I'm gonna free all the arch-criminals
in the Gotham State bastille.
Slip them my camouflage pill
and we'll become an invisible empire
with yours truly as queen.
Groovy, groovy!
We're gonna steal this bird blind.
Wait a minute, aren't you forgetting three things?
Like for instance?
Batman, Robin, and Batgirl.
No hassle, love.
Not when they face my Alvino Ray Gun.
Alvino Ray Gun?
What does it do?
Spreads a mess of wild vibrations.
- Aah, marv, just marv! - Let's split.
A-aha! Just as I suspected.
What is it, Batman?
This medi quack, Dr. Cassandra..
...is none other than Cassandra Spellcraft.
Offspring of the infamous Spellcraft Clan
a group ne'er-do-well alchemists
who couldn't even make the grade in girl's pharmacy school.
Holy unrefillable prescriptions.
- Is she really a doctor? - She isn't even a nurse.
[beeping]
- What's that? - The portable Bat-phone.
Yes, commissioner.
We'll be right there.
A new development?
Dr. Cassandra has challenged us, Robin.
She's called the commissioner and announced
that she'll steal the Mope diamond
from Spiffany's Jewelry Salon at precisely 2 o'clock.
That gives us..
...twenty minutes to thwart her.
Let's go, Robin.
While in Spiffany's Jeopardized Jewelry Salon
on Gotham City's fashionable 15th Avenue..
[ominous music]
Welcome to Spiffany's, folks.
I am G. David Shine. May I serve you today?
Oh, just browsing, dad.
One does not browse at Spiffany's, madam.
One either buys or one leaves.
Shall I deck him, doccy baby? He's tryin' to put us down.
Cool it, love.
We don't wanna blow the scene.
Listen, dad..
Tell me..
How much you're asking for the big rock there?
(David Shine) 'What you call a rock, madam..'
...is the Mope Diamond and is not for sale at any price.
Not for sale.
Then I guess we'll just have to kipe it.
- Cabala, do your thing. - I'm hip.
You'll do no such thing, Dr. Cassandra.
Aah, Batman!
So you've decided to take a crack at us.
But I've got your number.
And what about me? Do you have my number too?
Other women's numbers don't interest me, Batgirl.
Glad to have you flanking us, Batgirl.
I wouldn't miss it for anything.
- Looks like it's pill time. - Keep your cool, love.
The tiresome trio are about to really rock.
A gun?
Aren't you a little above that sort of thing, Dr. Cassandra?
No style.
This is the kickiest weapon you ever dug, Batman.
My own unpatented Alvino Ray Gun.
And it's the last thing you're about to see.
[intense music]
[ray gun whirring]
What are you doing to-to-to our bo-bodies?
Doccy baby, you are super psychedelic.
Holy helplessness.
I feel like I'm getting flat!
What a pity.
That's exactly what's happening, Batgirl.
This gun is altering the structure
of your molecular cells
and revving your third dimensions.
[maniacal laughter]
Stack 'em up, love. While I grab the diamond.
Go, Baby.
Just a moment, madam.
Attacking the terrific trio is one thing.
(David) 'That's not my business, and I don't want to get involved.'
'But stealing the Mope diamond is another matter completely.'
Dad, how would you like to get mailed home?
C-O-D.
Would you like the diamond giftwrapped, madam?
Mm-hmm.
We should have heard from them. I am worried.
I'm sure there's nothing wrong, Commissioner.
Batman's never failed us yet.
A Bat-fight seldom takes more than 40 seconds
and they're already half an hour late.
Oh, they should be coming through that door, right now.
Oh, it must be some sort of prank.
I can't believe me eyes, Commissioner.
But I must believe what I feel.
And I feel their pulse.
(Commissioner Gordon) 'We've had six medical opinions'
'and each one confirms the one before.'
Well, you know how those doctors stick together, Commissioner.
Nevertheless, the fact remains.
There's no known medical way to restore them.
So all we can do is make them as comfortable as possible
while they live out their sightless, soundless
selfless, well-flattened lives.
- 'What about the voice?' - 'What voice?'
You know, the voice that answers the Bat-phone
every now and then and asks us to hold on.
Maybe he can help us, whoever he is.
It's worth a try. Anything's worth a try now.
[beeping]
I'm afraid he's not here, Commissioner.
But I--
What?
Oh, my word!
That is a bit of a sticky-wicky, if I may say so.
Hmm? Mm-hmm.
Alright.
Have them sent care of general delivery
to the main Gotham City Post Office and..
...I'll see what I can do.
Here's your Alvino Ray Gun, doccy baby. Now what?
Cabala, I've told you, cool the personal kick
whenever alchemy and occult sciences are involved.
And they're involved right now.
Yeah, but with all the loot we've grabbed the Mope Diamond
in our possession and the troublesome trio
hot off the press, as it were--
It's not enough! I want Gotham City on its knees.
My foremothers couldn't do it
but I'm gonna beat this town.
Beat it, baby. We'll foil it together.
Look at them, six tiny pills.
And six unseen arch-criminals
about to wreak untold havoc.
The thought of it blows my mind.
Meanwhile at the Gotham City Post Office..
...trusty Alfred disguised as a doddering dodo
accepts delivery of the human parcel post.
While at Gotham State Prison
Dr. Cassandra is up to some special delivery of her own.
[alarm blaring]
- What's goin' on here, Captain? - Beats me, Warden.
All the electric alarms went off like somebody walked through
and my men never saw a thing.
Are the prisoners in their cells?
Like the day they were brought in.
What about the special arch-criminal wing?
Same thing.
[alarms blaring]
Must have been--
Must have been a short circuit.
'Ha ha ha.'
- Guess again, square ball. - Who are you?
How did you get in here? Get out!
My name is Dr. Cassandra. I walked through the front door
and I'm not walking out.
Keep them covered with this, Cabala..
Right, doccy baby.
...while I speak to my friends.
Over there, men.
What kind of gun is that?
This is the doctor's Alvino Ray gun, man.
(Cabala) 'Now don't move or you're both flat as flounders.'
Hello, darlings. This is your leader speaking.
(Dr. Cassandra on intercom) 'In ten seconds, I'll pull the switch'
'that will release all the arch-criminals.'
I'm sorry I can't do the same for the rest of you.
(Dr. Cassandra) 'But too many crooks spoil the broth.'
You know how it is.
Alright!
Ready..
...ten..
...nine..
...eight..
...seven..
...six..
'...five..'
'...four..'
- '...three..' - 'Go, baby.'
...two..
...one..
- Blast off! - Wohoo!
[hysterical laughter]
'Darlings, meet me at the front gate.'
[hysterical laughter continues]
I do hope I didn't get my transistors squitched
sir, uh.. miss.
Either you come out three dimensional or..
...no dimensional.
Well, here goes.
[machine whirring]
Alright..
...I best get the Batmobile back wherever it may be.
And..
...take my departure before Batgirl recognizes me.
[intense music]
Where are we?
- What happened? - This is the Bat-cave, Batgirl.
- Holy giveaways. - Not exactly, Robin.
She may know, this is the Bat-cave.
But she doesn't know where the Bat-cave is located.
It's very impressive.
And functional.
How do you suppose we got here and..
...and who changed us back to our normal shapes and sizes.
I have my own suspicions, Batgirl
which I don't think I should disclose.
Of course, Robin, I understand.
We'll get on it right away, Commissioner.
Dr. Cassandra..
...has engineered..
...an incredible mass escape..
...of all of Gotham City's arch-criminals.
Holy catastrophe!
- How do we stop them? - We have to find them first.
Which calls for the special
Escaped Arch-Criminal Bat-locator on the Bat-computer.
Good thinking, Robin.
[switches clicking]
That must come in quite handy.
Quite. Every crime fighter should have one.
According to this, they'll be in the basement
of the Mortar and Pestle building on Abracadabra Alley.
But how can we get there?
Isn't the Batmobile still parked in front of Spiffany's--
[engine whirring]
Look, here it comes now.
How in the world did you manage that?
There's no time for that now, Batgirl.
To the alley!
I'll have to put you to sleep until we reach the city.
To sleep?
So you won't learn the location of the Bat-cave.
Alright, Batman.
Guard your face, Robin.
[hissing]
You know something, Batman?
What's that, Robin?
She looks very pretty when she's asleep.
I thought you might eventually notice that.
That single statement indicates to me the..
...first oncoming thrust of manhood, old chum.
Alright, darlings.
Here's how we divvy up the territory.
Catwoman gets all the fish market areas.
Egghead, poultry farms.
- Penguin, ponds and park. - Quack quack.
King Tut, museums.
Riddler and Joker, all the amusement parks.
Don't forget to tell them how we cut up the loot, doccy baby.
Oh, yes.
Well, darlings..
...we get 50 percent of everything you steal.
But in return I provide camouflage pills and protection.
And don't worry about Batman, Robin, or Batgirl.
They've made their last scene.
Here are your pills, darlings.
Pass them around, love.
- One to a customer. - With pleasure, doccy baby.
Now, you'll blend into the background for eight hours.
After that, come back with the loot
and I'll give you all another dose.
But be careful.
Don't get knocked unconscious or you'll all materialize again.
You foolish, foolish woman.
Quick, swallow the pills.
They're gone.
Well, how can we fight them if we can't see them.
We may not be able to see them, but I feel they're still here.
[dramatic music]
[maniacal laughter]
[glass shattering]
[grunting]
[maniacal laughter]
[dramatic music]
[Joker laughing]
We're outnumbered eight to three.
It's not the odds, Robin. It's the atmosphere.
Wait a minute.
They'd be in the same boat if they couldn't see us.
Right.
[grunting]
[clattering]
[glass shattering]
[ominous music]
Groovy party, baby. Groovy.
Something must have gone wrong.
Alchemy is a highly specialized chemical science, Dr. Cassandra.
Sometimes even experts go wrong.
And obviously something went wrong
with your last batch of camouflage pills.
Oh, you goof, doccy baby. The family curse again.
Well, nothing's gone wrong with my flattening Alvino Ray Gun.
(Batman) 'It won't work, Dr. Cassandra.'
I took the precaution of inserting an Anti-Alvino Ray
Bat-disintegrater in my utility belt.
[snaps fingers]
Batgirl..
...telephone Commissioner Gordon and his men in blue.
Tell them to come here. Robin!
Round up the rest of these artless arch-criminals.
Commissioner, you don't suppose Dr. Cassandra and Cabala
could pop their way out of Gotham State Prison?
Not the way Warden Crichton pops them in, Chief O'Hara.
But if she manages to smuggle one of her camouflage pills.
The prison matron isn't named Mrs. Frisk for nothing, chief.
Besides, the warden had special
polka dot cells painted for them.
They won't blend into that background.
Say, my, my..
...this is certainly a fancy spa.
What did I tell ya, Commissioner.
Wait till you try Minerva's
eggplant jelly vitamin scalp massagers.
- Eggplant jelly? - Ahmm.
That's right, boys.
Just register.
Check your valuables.
And after treatment in my mineral spa
you'll feel like a new man.
I certainly feel like a new man.
Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara
will indeed feel like new men after a treatment
in Minerva's Mineral Spa.
For Minerva's treatment has many surprises.
One, a startling device for relieving
Gotham City's millionaires of all their millions.
As you will see in our next episode.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na na ¶
¶ Batman