¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
(male announcer) Night over Gotham City.
But what else is over Gotham City?
Not flying saucers.
I'm sorry, sir, but we know nothing about it at all.
I'm sorry but we have absolutely no information, madam.
Yes.
I'm sorry but..
An imminent invasion from outer space?
Ha-ha, well, I rather doubt it, miss.
Bonnie, please hold the rest of the calls.
I can't talk to all of Gotham City tonight.
(Bonnie over telephone) 'Yes, commissioner.'
'But there's a Mrs. Green here to see you.'
'Regarding a man from Mars she just met in Gotham Park.'
Alright, Bonnie.
Wait a minute, then send her in.
Now let me get this straight.
You say by week's end, the invasion will be complete
and Gotham City will be overcome
not only by little men from Mars
but by virulent living organisms from outer space?
You can't expect me to take you seriously, Professor Greenleaf.
I think you should, Ms. Gordon.
And I think your father should advise all authorities
to submit and comply with the invaders.
Otherwise..
- What is it? - Look.
'There.'
[dramatic music]
[screaming]
Flying saucers are a myth.
A figment of the whole world's imagination.
But the world's imagination, and particularly Gotham City's
is getting out of hand.
What we need..
...is some experienced help.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na na na na na na ¶
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[tires screeching]
But what's this?
In an abandoned launching pad factory
our old nemesis, the Joker
up to a sinister sky borne caper.
Joker, you are so marvey.
Oh, I was more than marvey while I was in prison, Emerald.
I was positively inspired.
Completing these plans for my flying saucer.
With the help of my cell mate
a mad scientist who had a passing penchant
for picking pockets.
The plans look great, Joker
but what are you gonna use to build it?
Oh, don't worry about that, Shamrock. It'll be made.
And shortly it'll be speeding
across the skies of Gotham City.
Oh, but not without warning.
Ooh, the rumors I've planted.
Yes, the whispers are flying.
What scuttlebutt is afloat
on my-on my private grapevine?
And..
...just what did this man from Mars
say to you in Gotham park, Mrs. Green?
I don't know. I don't speak Martian
or Marsish or whatever you call it.
Uh, that's understandable since there is
no life on Mars as we know it.
There can be no intelligible Marsish language.
Did he threaten you in any manner?
Well, not exactly threaten me.
But he certainly frightened me.
It's not often I run into..
It's not often I run into a man three feet tall.
No, "Three feet tall?"
Holy interplanetary yardstick.
But he did speak to you?
And then he left in his flying saucer, Mrs. Green?
He was out of sight in a split second.
Mother Machree.
Well, I'm sorry to be so lacking in details, gentlemen
but I thought the incident should be reported.
Of course, Mrs. Green.
It is the duty of every good citizen of Gotham City
to report meeting a man from Mars in a public park.
Gotham City penal code, section 32, subsection 14.
Yes, thank you for coming.
You're welcome.
Goodbye, sonny.
Well, Batman.
She seemed composed, intelligent
not, uh, not given to falsehoods or hallucinations.
And vaguely familiar, commissioner.
Perhaps the Bat-computer
can help our lagging memories.
Let's go, Robin.
Daddy, daddy--
What's the matter, Ms. Gordon?
I barely got out of the library alive.
There was this little green man from Mars.
And he was just scampering all over the place.
[dramatic music]
But the library isn't the only place
the little green man is scrambling.
[engine revving]
And back in the abandoned launching pad factory..
And it scared Commissioner Gordon's daughter
half to death in the library?
Why, your sister Mrs. Green was equally effective
at police headquarters.
Thank you, Professor Greenleaf, for a job well done.
You've both certainly earned your greenbacks tonight.
[laughing]
All of Gotham City has the flying saucer jitters.
And when they see my flying saucer--
How will they if you haven't made it?
It can be assembled in a matter of hours, Shamrock.
As soon as we get the beryllium.
What is that, poopsie?
One of the lightest metals in the world, Emerald.
Yes, and the Wayne Foundation is currently
doing research on a huge supply of it.
So we heist this beryllium
build you a saucer and off we go?
No, Chartreuse.
Here we come from another planet.
Yes, terrorizing the inhabitants of Gotham City
and forcing them and the rest of the world's population
to their knees with the demands I shall issue
from my awe-inspiring spaceship.
[chuckling]
What are those demands going to be, poopsie?
Well, what would any green- haired Martian demand, Emerald.
Complete capitulation, complete co-operation, complete control.
Now you and Chartreuse hightail it down
to the metals research wing of the Wayne Foundation
and pick up that precious metal.
- Oh, and Emerald? - Yes, poopsie.
You go along as a decoy
create a diversionary tactic
just in case millionaire Bruce Wayne
or any member of his staff might be there.
Groovy, muah, poopsie.
I'll wait here.
If anyone should recognize me at the Wayne Foundation
the dynamic demigods might be--
[laughing]
Where have you been, Verdigris?
Just spreading little bits of panic here and there, Joker.
And I saw the Batmobile parked in front of police headquarters
so I placed that little green timebomb under the dashboard
just like you told me to.
And set it for midnight, I suppose?
We Martians like to dispose of our earthly enemies
at the witching hour.
Set for midnight on the nose, Joker.
[both laughing]
Mrs. Green.
Greenhorn.
Greenhouse, green thumb.
- Little green men-- - From Mars.
Of course, I remember now.
Mrs. Green used to be the frontwoman
for that bunko artist
who at one time was blackmailing
Green Grocers.
It's a small world, isn't it, sir?
It's a small universe, Alfred.
As I suspected from the beginning, Robin.
This present Martian invasion
is all..a hoax.
Including somehow
the little green intruder in the library.
Now what, Batman?
Well, let's see what this new
current criminal activity Bat-disclosure unit
has to disclose.
Joker at large.
Manufacturing a flying saucer.
Gosh, Batman, this machine is almost human.
But not quite human enough, Robin.
Just what would Joker be using to make his flying saucer?
Probably one of the lighter metals.
Titanium, beryllium.
Titanium.
Titanium?
The supply of Titanium is very limited in this vicinity.
Yeah, but isn't there an abundant supply, sir
of beryllium in the metals research wing
of the Wayne foundation?
Indeed there is, Alfred.
Joker's just clever enough to know that.
And maybe planning to appropriate it.
Alfred, there's 15 minutes until midnight.
I know, sir.
Pay a quick and casual call
on the Wayne Foundation and check on security there.
Robin and I will follow.
But I do not want our presence known
until and if
the Joker...plays his hand.
At once, sir.
You know, I find such an assignment
quite a challenge.
I'll advise Commissioner Gordon.
If our suspicions are right, old chum
the Joker's terrorizing Gotham City
will be stopped at once.
Yes, Batman?
The Joker?
The Wayne Foundation?
And you'll handle it yourself?
Well, keep me informed, Batman.
I'll send you any help you need.
Right.
What was that all about, commissioner?
Well, Batman has reason to believe
the Joker is behind this so-called
imminent Martian invasion.
He also suspects the next development
will take place in the metals research wing
of the Wayne Foundation.
[dramatic music]
So on a night filled with incredible happenings
Barbara Gordon makes her own incredible change into Batgirl
as the witching hour arrives in the Bat-cave.
Alfred should be on his way by now.
To the Batmobile.
[loud explosion]
[dramatic music]
[laughing]
What a coup.
What an incredible coup.
[laughing hysterically]
Well, a mad scientist
to help us assemble my flying saucer.
- If I may correct you-- - You may not correct me.
I know a mad scientist when I see a mad scientist.
Tell us why you were at the metal research wing
of the Wayne Foundation when my men caught you
along with Batgirl
caught coming in a window.
Maybe we should find her a window in the sky.
You mean, put her in orbit, Joker?
'Exactly, Shamrock.'
Just as we're gonna put my flying saucer in orbit.
Yes, with the help of this huge
supply of beryllium you heisted.
And all done with no sign of Batman or Robin at all.
Of course, there's no sign of Batman and Robin, Joker.
Where have you been this time, Verdigris?
Spreading more panic, Joker.
Police headquarters is in turmoil.
And the Batmobile is gone from where it was last parked.
And so are the caped cadavers.
Gone forever, Joker.
Thanks to that little green timebomb I planted.
Oh, joy of joys. Ecstasy of ecstasy.
[Joker laughing]
You suppose there's a working launching pad left
in this abandoned launching pad factory?
Yes, there's one in the launching pad
equipment locker, Joker, and some fuse.
Oh, good, while the countdown begins for Batgirl
our mad captive scientist will unpack the beryllium
and then help me assemble my flying saucer.
While back in the battered Bat-cave.
[Batman grunts]
[Robin grunting]
Batman? Batman?
Batman, where are you?
Up here, old chum.
Boy, I'd say we had ourselves a little blast.
I'd say we had ourselves one of..
...Joker's lethal timebombs
no doubt planted by one of his men from Mars.
[coughing]
Holy rock garden!
Look, the clock didn't break.
'It's almost 8:30.'
We've been out cold over eight hours.
And apparently so has Alfred been out.
At the Wayne Foundation
where Joker and his little green menaces
were going to steal our beryllium.
Do you suppose Alfred has tried to get in contact with us?
Every receiving device around here has been broken.
And by all rights, so should we have been.
Sure, Batman.
If it hadn't been for our anti-thermal Bat-T-shirts
we've been wearing lately.
And look, the explosion even knocked out--
Knocked all the phones off the hooks.
Yeah.
Hello.
Oh, there's-there's no more current, Robin.
Quickly, old chum
we must rig up an auxiliary circuit
Bat-regenerator.
Who knows what's happened to the outside world.
[sighing]
Who knows what's happened to the caped crusaders?
I can't seem to locate them anywhere, Mayor Linseed.
Do you expect me to report that to Governor Stone, fella?
To the president? Londinium?
To the United Nations?
This is an emergency, commissioner.
Flying saucers and men from Mars
don't invade our country every day.
Well, at least they've stopped invading for a minute.
The sky is as clear as a dye.
"Dye?"
A very poor choice of words, Chief O'Hara.
That's what we may all be doing if the Martians return.
Dying, if we can't find Batman and Robin.
Not to mention Batgirl.
But to mention Batgirl.
[Joker laughing]
This is a unique experience.
I've thrilled many a woman, Batgirl
but I've never sent one completely in orbit before.
[laughing]
Well, you shall have company shortly though.
Now that my flying saucer is completed.
Yes, we will take off immediately after you do.
And we'll wave to you occasionally
as we pass you circling the Earth.
[laughing]
Of course, you will keep going forever.
While we circle the Earth a few more times
to give everyone a good look at my saucer
as they await my ultimate ultimatum
in fear and trembling before I return
ruler of the universe.
[Joker laughing]
This may be my last attempt to reach you, sir.
'Though I've been trying desperately for hours.'
It works, it's Alfred.
(Alfred) 'The Joker's about to put Batgirl into orbit'
from the abandoned launching pad factory
on Flying Circus Hill.
Are you talking to that handkerchief?
Just dabbing my eyes.
Stronger men than I have wept..
'...at moments like this.'
Oh.
And then he's about to launch his own flying saucer.
Holy known unknown flying objects.
What?
Holy known unknown flying objects.
Robin, alert the Bat-copter port to ready the Bat-copter.
While I tell Commissioner Gordon that communications
have been reestablished.
Ten, nine, eight, seven
'six, five four, three'
two, one, blastoff.
[fuse sputtering]
The fuse has gone out.
[chuckling]
That's right, Joker. It's out.
The automatic fuse extinguisher in my Batgirl utility belt
will forever keep you from putting me into orbit.
Oh, untie her.
We'll take her in the flying saucer.
'And the mad scientist too.'
While I push the button that opens the roof
'of this launching pad factory.'
[explosion]
[laughing]
I don't understand your language too well, sir
but I assume you're trying to tell me
the flying saucer is over Petronaviscoff?
Oh-oh, was over Petronaviscoff three seconds ago.
Well, thank you, sir, for calling.
[chuckling]
That was the First Minister of the Presidio.
Barbara.
- What? - What?
I said, Barbara, my daughter.
I wonder what's happened to her in all this excitement.
[dramatic music]
And well might Commissioner Gordon wonder
what's happened to his daughter.
[laughing]
Oh, look. Right over there.
Just a few billion miles, Saturn.
[laughing]
How did you get mixed up in something like this, Alfred?
My job as millionaire Bruce Wayne's butler
sometimes calls for extracurricular duties.
but this-this is going too far.
Activate the supersonic decelerating
counter-rotating turbines, Verdigris.
We're getting a little too close to the sun.
While back on Earth..
[theme music]
[tires screeching]
Well, now we've seen New Auckland.
Invert the compression radial ratio
energize the tandem elronds, Verdigris.
while I turn up this inter-planetary microphone.
In 46.38 seconds, we'll be over Gotham City
where I will ultimate my ultimatum.
Me, me.
'Me, me, me, me, yes.'
Whoo.
It sure beats walking.
- Any sightings? - None.
(Robin) 'But if Alfred's on that flying saucer'
'maybe we can reach him on our inter-cosmic thermo-phone.'
[beeping]
I hear you, sir.
Head straight for Flying Circus Hill.
(Batman) 'Flying Circus Hill?'
We're just entering the sub stratosphere over Gotham City.
I managed to put some homing beryl
into the beryllium this flying saucer is made off.
It should head straight back.
Are you talking to your handkerchief again?
Just clearing my head.
Altitude, you know.
Oh.
(Robin) 'Good old Alfred.'
(Batman) 'Yes, I'll head for Flying Circus Hill.'
'You alert Commissioner Gordon.'
[dramatic music]
[laughing]
It's time for my ultimate ultimatum.
Hear this. Now hear this.
(Joker on loudspeaker) 'All citizens of Gotham City'
'and the world.'
'This is the Joker speaking to you from outer space.'
From inner outer space.
[laughing]
Yes, advising you to--
[beeping]
What's the matter, Verdigris?
We've passed the city.
We're headed right back to Flying Circus Hill
'and the abandoned launching pad factory.'
Depress the aerothermic thermal reso-ducts
Accelerate the isothermal oxy-acetylene vaporometers.
Huh?
Step on the gas.
This thingamajig is stuck here.
But we're headed right back where we started.
Oh-oh..
Well, at least it was a soft landing, poopsie.
Yes, but on the wrong planet.
I wanted to rule the world from Mars.
I like the looks of that place.
Yes, you'll be more comfortable
there at the moment, Joker.
[grunting]
[music continues]
[punching]
Alright, boys, round 'em up.
Joker, it looks like you've flown your last saucer.
But I came close, Batman. I came close.
Close doesn't count.
You'll come much closer to washing tin saucers
up at Warden Crichton's Cosmic Calaboose, Joker.
Let's go.
(Commissioner Gordon) 'Barbara, where have you been?'
Looking all over for you, daddy.
Bonnie said I might find you in here.
I took an unexpected little trip
and I didn't have time to let you know.
Well, at least the Joker's Martian invasion
has been grounded.
For five to ten years, I would imagine.
[Bat-phone beeping]
Yes, commissioner.
Spiffany's jewelry store?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
What do these window shoppers look like?
What do they look like?
Who could possibly describe
Dr. Cassandra and her husband Cabala
eyeing the priceless Mope diamond hungrily
and then disappearing?
No wonder all of Gotham City is startled
as you are bound to be in our next episode.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na na
¶ Batman