¶ Batman
(male narrator) Mount Ararat Hospital in Gotham City
where King Tut's psychoanalysis goes on and on.
The old adage about the apple
not falling far from the tree just ain't necessarily so.
Oh, Doctor Denton?
Doctor Denton?
Spunky?
[chuckles]
[humming "Rock-a-bye baby"]
Dirty ass from the grass, he locked it.
So I said to daddy
that I'm too young to get married, pa.
I'm only 12-years-old.
[muttering]
[dramatic music]
You know, I always had a feeling you never really listened to me.
King, continue.
Meanwhile, at the offices of the Rosetta Stone Company..
Why me? Why me?
Why not you?
That's logical.
I'm nothing if not logical.
Take only $47,000, Tuttlings.
But there's 76,000, poopsie.
No need to be a pig about these things.
We have the money, mighty king of rogues.
- Master of thieves. - Ruler of darkness.
Defender of Egypt.
[indistinct]
King of the Nile.
Wait a minute. Take it back one.
[indistinct]
Yeah, I like that. Leave it in.
[telephone ringing]
Yes.
Oh, hello, Doctor Denton.
What? King Tut?
[sighs] Yes. Yes, of course. I'll contact him at once.
[intense music]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
[engine revving]
Hmm. What a shame.
At last report, our able Yale professor
was well on his way to recovering.
Another six or seven months of intensive analysis
and he might have been completely cured.
Ah, yes. But as John Greenleaf Whittier said
"For of all sad words of tongue or pen
"the saddest are these, It might have been."
- Maud Muller. Stands at 53. - Very good, Robin.
I didn't know you were a student of the classics.
Batman teaches me a little poetry
in-between remanding criminals to jail.
Enough pros and cons, Robin.
Now, where can we find Rosetta Stone?
Uh, restin' comfortably at home.
At 3-2-8, Kangaroo Court.
I trust a visit from us wouldn't be too upsetting.
She's expecting you, Batman.
Ha. Good. Let's go, Robin.
[sighs]
So, you made up your mind, daddy
you really like to move to the suburb.
It'll be a pleasant change from my old bronze stool
if I only have the time to find the place. Oh, my.
If I get a chance today, I'll check with
the real estate broker, okay?
- Thank you, darlin'. - Bye, daddy.
- Bye, Chief O'Hara. - Bye.
Shortly at Florence of Arabia's
in the middle east side of Gotham City.
[instrumental music]
Oh! Turkey legs.
My favorite fruit.
'Florence, a little more pressed grape, if you please.'
Ah! Oh, I'm sorry, poopsie.
I guess I got a little carried away.
No matter, Flo.
Your assets far outnumber your liability.
Oh, that this too-too solid flesh would melt.
Why don't you go on a diet, fatty?
Why don't you go on a diet..
Mind your own skinny business.
Now, being Egyptian
naturally I have a nose for nilanium.
Nilanium, the hardest metal in the world.
It was once found only in the Nile Basin.
But when that was flooded by the Aswan Dam
this precious deposit was lost forever.
So forever something you can't do much about, huh, poopsie?
Wrong again, Florence.
My nose for nilanium
tells me that there is another invaluable deposit
right here in Gotham City.
Right where in Gotham City?
Unfortunately, said reserves rest directly
under stately Wayne Manor.
Wayne Manor?
Ancestral home of millionaire, Bruce Wayne
and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson.
But you can't buy that for 47,000.
But I can and will buy some land directly adjacent
to the estate for that exact sum
And once that's done, we'll start drilling
for my Nilanium and make a fortune.
How?
By making the hardest objects in the world.
Out of the hardest metal, indestructible machines
indestructible buildings!
I'll build an indestructible empire
that no one will be able to destruct!
But isn't that nilanium really the property
of millionaire, Bruce Wayne?
That would have to be under his property.
Money goes the money but not this money.
We're going to engage in a bit of slant mining.
Where to, almighty monarch?
To the office of Manny the Mesopotamian
an unscrupulous real estate broker of my acquaintance.
And by middest circumstance, the man who has
the listing on the property next to Wayne Manor.
$47,000, sir?
But isn't that rather an odd sum for King Tut to take?
Yes, it is, Alfred.
Rosetta Stone told us that Tut didn't wanna be a pig about it.
Bacon..
Pig!
It's against Egyptian dietary laws to eat pig.
Ergo, I think it was a ruse on his part
to obscure the truth.
Oh, what is the truth, Batman?
Perhaps he intends buying something that costs
exactly $47,000.
Let's see what the Bat-computer has to offer.
It seems a little uncertain, Batman.
It certainly does.
No wonder! "North east section
"of millionaire, Bruce Wayne's property."
The Bat-computer said that?
But that's only partly right, Alfred.
I have put up a 200 foot lot up for sale
on the edge of stately Wayne Manor Estate
to help alleviate the property shortage.
Jolly decent of you, sir.
But I gave the real estate broker specific instructions
to ask for a firm $48,000, not $47,000.
This machine needs oiling.
[dramatic music]
Exactly how much do you have to spend, Ms. Gordon?
Actually it isn't me, it's my father, mister, uh..
Just call me Manny, everybody does. That's my name. Manny.
My father's tired of city congestion
and thought he might make a good deal in the suburbs.
Frankly, Ms. Gordon, If I were your father
I'd just forget about this area entirely.
This afternoon I have a deal where I'm selling a lot
without a house for $47,000.
Is that the one? "Lot $48,000 firm?"
I'm cutting my commission to make the deal.
Is that legal?
Legal, yes. Ethical, no.
Nobody ever accuses me of being ethical.
Well, thank you very much. I'll call my father.
Good day, Ms. Gordon.
[dramatic music]
(Manny) 'Oh, salaam-alaikum, King Tut.'
Salaam-alaikum.
Salam yourself, Manny. No time for pleasantries.
- Do you have the contract? - I have the contract.
- Do you have the money? - Give him the money.
Thank you very much. Just sign right there.
That's it. Right there. That's fine.
- What? No middle initial? - Never use it.
That's what I like about you fellas.
No haggling.
Hello, Mr. Wayne. This is Batgirl.
Why, hello, Batgirl.
To what do I owe this unexpected honor?
I've just discovered that King Tut has purchased a plot of land
adjacent to your property, Mr. Wayne.
King Tut?
Well, that should make a very interesting neighborhood
probably drive the real estate value straight down.
I'm sure he has some diabolical scheme in mind
and I thought you should know about it.
I'm going to try and contact Batman now.
I maybe talking to him shortly myself, Batgirl.
Perhaps I can give him a message for you.
Yes. Tell him I'll be in Commissioner Gordon's office
in half an hour.
Perhaps we should meet and plan a joint attack.
Right. Thanks for the information.
Of what possible use could that land be to a man like Tut?
Maybe he wants to just settle down and build a house.
No, I think not, Robin.
Tut doesn't impress me as the be it ever so humble
there's no place like home kind of individual.
[Bat-computer dings]
What is it, Batman?
A potpourri of news, Robin. Both good and bad.
What's the good news?
"Stately Wayne Manor is sitting
"on a priceless reserve of Nilanium."
Holy hardest metal in the world!
But what's the bad news?
"A special seismological attachment to the Bat-computer
"has defined that King Tut has started mining nilanium..
"...and his mining operations are aimed.."
Is it possible?
His mining operations are aimed..
Into what, Batman?
Directly into the Bat-cave.
[dramatic music]
It's no use, Robin.
His shaft is more than half way here
and should be entering the Bat-cave shortly.
Isn't there anything we can do to divert them
so they missed the Bat-cave?
The Bat-anium shield lining the Bat-cave
might protect us from his blasting but I doubt it.
We'll have to go topside and nab him
before his strikes pay dirt.
Nab him where?
I suspect he maybe operating from an abandoned mine
on that property he bought.
Aren't we gonna take the Batmobile?
It's too risky.
There's so many people on the area
they might spot us as we drive out the secret entrance.
No, we'll use the subterranean blue grotto exit
after I make this call.
[Bat-phone beeping]
Yes, Batman?
Right.
As we hoped, it's for you, Batgirl.
Yes, Batman.
Batgirl, there's a deserted mine entrance one mile north
of northeast of stately Wayne Manor. Could you meet us there?
- Anything wrong? - Everything's wrong.
I'll be there as soon as possible.
What now, Batman?
According to my Bat-compass, north by northeast is
in a general north, northeasterly direction.
It shouldn't take us more than three minutes to run the mile.
Gosh, Batman! That's a new world's record.
Breaking world's records is just part of crime fighting, Robin.
Now.
[dramatic music]
Will they be too late?
For at this very moment..
Outside the abandoned cave
from which Tut is operating.
How much longer do you think it'll take, royal geologist?
Well..
How come he gets to be royal haggler and royal geologist too?
We're working on a close budget, royal bubbeleh.
When we strike Nilanium, I'll have enough scratch
to hire a complete royal entourage
We should be there right about now.
Oh! Here comes H.L. Hunter, the royal mining foreman.
What, who, H.L.? Strike anything?
Yeah, we done struck somethin' but they weren't no nilanium.
I think we done struck trouble.
Why?
Well, seems that there's a big cave
directly beneath Wayne Manor.
'It's lined with some hard substance'
'so we can't blast through it.'
Perhaps we've struck a vein of nilanium.
But it shouldn't be that hard 'til it's refined.
Do you have any more dynamite?
Sure. We've got another one to blast it.
None of my men want to take the chance.
It's sort of dangerous.
[dramatic music]
I'll do it!
Danger is my middle name.
'Show me the way!'
You're not going anywhere, Tut.
Ha! Look who's here. The dynamic dullards.
Plus one.
Oh, and the dynamic [indistinct].
Instruct your royal yeggs to come quietly
or you'll incur our wrath.
Not by the hair on my chinny chin-chin.
Come on, boys! We've got too much to lose.
I didn't know we were doing anything illegal.
Mining into and under other people's property
is not illegal?
Not when you're drilling for oil.
Which you were not.
It's obvious that you're an innocent miner.
Alright, you may go.
Go, go.
This'll take us down to the bottom of the shaft.
That's better than facing the tawdry trio.
Mush!
[dramatic music]
They must've gotten on the train.
Holy journey to the center of the Earth!
- They won't stop-- - To the bottom.
- Until they reach the bottom. - Where is the bottom?
Batgirl, stay here and stand guard in case they return.
This time we're gonna have to make the two minute mark
in the mile, Robin. Let's go.
[intense music]
[rumbling]
Oh! Oh, do my own eyes deceive me?
Oh, happiness unbounded.
Oh, great blobs of joy!
Eureka! I have found it! The Bat-cave.
Right under Wayne Manor.
Oh, dream of..
Right under Wayne Manor?
That means that there were.. Carry the three..
That means Robin and Batman
are really Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson!
[laughing]
Oh, the world is my oyster.
And everyone will be bringing me sauce.
[dramatic music]
A little winded, old chum?
It takes me more than two minute mile to make me winded, Batman.
Oh!
Ah!
[dramatic music]
[laughing]
Oh, how time flies when we're having fun.
[laughing]
What do we do about that?
There's always darkness before the dawn, Robin.
I know, I know. A rolling stone gathers no moss.
Then we shouldn't cry over spilled milk.
Or waste time with old cliches.
[footsteps approaching]
- Where is everybody, Batgirl? - I'm here.
Uh, he means, Batman, Robin and King Tut.
Oh! They've all gone on a journey
to the center of the Earth or something.
The center of what?
Oh, Florence, the fruits of victory are sweet indeed.
Maybe, Tut. But you'll still choke on them.
From the mouths of babes oft times comes pap.
Are you ready to give yourselves up?
Not to you, Bat-dope.
Or your 97 pound weakling bird boy.
And where's your feminine friend?
Don't want her to know you're really Bruce Wayne, do you?
Well, soon the world will know.
You'll have to kill us to keep our mouths shut.
Tuttlings, follow me.
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
[screaming]
[music continues]
Oh!
Argh!
[music continues]
Argh!
[music continues]
I'll give them the Bat-nesia gas, Robin.
Ask Alfred to take them topside and deposit them
on the lot, they won't remember what they saw.
Roger.
[dramatic music]
What about me, Batman?
You'll have to kill me to keep me quiet.
No, I won't.
King Tut ran off the shaft.
Yes, he moves very quickly for an overstuffed
and an unlikely Egyptian pharaoh.
We must catch him before he reaches the end of the shaft.
Oh, drat! We're out of Bat-nesia gas.
Now we really must catch Tut
before he reaches the end of the shaft.
[intense music]
Are you ready to be incarcerated, King Tut?
With the greatest pleasure.
You could jail me for a million years
and I wouldn't flinch an inch.
Oh, at last. Nirvana is within my grasp.
You appear to be breezy for a man about to be tucked away.
I know, and so would you if you knew what I know.
If I know you know that you know what I know now, know, huh!
Why waste time with someone who knows?
I gotta find someone who doesn't know. You know?
Sounds like a riddle of the sphinx.
Nothing's so simple as that, dear lady.
I hold the key to the riddle of the ages.
You're too late, dynamic dimwits.
Holy waste of energy.
- What has he told you? - Nothing.
He's been running off at the mouth
about some secret or riddle.
The beans so to speak are about to be spilled.
Batman and Robin, prepare to meet the end of your usefulness.
Lady and gentlemen, Batman and Robin are the..
[dramatic music]
It's only gonna prolong the agony, Batman.
Not necessarily, Robin.
That blow on his head could be exactly what saves us.
I certainly hope so.
Oh!
Where am I?
You were about to tell us a secret, King Tut.
King Tut?
My-my name is William Omaha McElroy.
Professor of Egyptology at Yale University.
You don't remember what you were going to tell us?
Why do you have a purple mask on, lady?
I'm going to be late for class.
Now just a moment, professor.
You can't walk off like this.
Harvard people..
Holy razors edge! Was that a close shave.
A calculated risk, Robin.
The shale held up by those sagging timbers
has been shifting for decades.
All we had to do was taunt Tut with our silence.
This caused him to raise his voice three decibels
above high C, which caused the cave in
which of course we turned him to normalcy.
But how could you be so sure?
I really couldn't, Robin.
Earth movement is an inexact science at best.
As a matter of fact, yodels have been known to cause
avalanches in the Alps, a mere sneeze was the cause
of the 1923 Appalachian cave-in.
Well, suppose something went wrong..
...suppose Tut didn't raise his voice, what then?
I prefer not to think about those things, Robin.
They depress me.
Thank you, sir, for calling.
That was the president of the Yale University, Chief O'Hara.
Our eminent professor of Egyptology
has completely returned to normal.
Hmm. Let's hope his ego has returned
to the altar in ancient Egypt.
Daddy, have you heard the latest rumors?
All of Gotham City is buzzing about an eminent invasion
of flying saucers.
Well, now..
Gotham City is usually buzzing about something, Barbara.
Let's take a look anyway, commissioner.
Alright. Let me have those.
Well, now, let's see. Uh-huh!
All I can see is sky, clouds, and a few birds.
Let's see what you can find, chief.
Well, there's a blimp
trailing some Jokers used car advertisements.
Look again. In this flying saucer
the Joker is planning an incredible invasion
on Gotham City.
[laughing]
As soon as the range sweep radar scanner
picks up the tracking post amplifier
we'll spin back into the sub-stratosphere
where I will issue my demands
that will have not only all of Gotham City
but the world at my feet.
[laughing]
[dramatic music]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman