¶ Batman
(male narrator) Gotham State Prison
a grim and foreboding edifice.
It, like politics, has been the last refuge
of many a scoundrel..
...including that criminal cowpoke, Shame.
[whispers] Now, don't you fret none, Shame honey.
We'uns is gonna get you'uns sprung right quick.
I don't understand.
We assemble us a gang on the outside
and the sooner if you show them lawmen your backside
you're all set for funnin' again.
Well, I appreciate it mighty much, Frontier Fanny
and Calamity Jan.
But I find this here hoosegow is hiring a New England banker.
And likewise upon, it'd take more than a pack of wild horses
to get me outta here.
You just mosey on by the left wall
of this here pokey about 15 past 5.
And 325 wild horses will meet ya.
Now you just keep a tight rein
and hold on to your saddle horn, Shame honey.
That kiss is just a down payment on what you're due.
Yeah.
[clinks]
Nice timepiece you have there, Shame.
Yeah, got it off a railroad man
they gave it to him for 50 years of dedicated service.
- What'd you give him for it? - Three bullets...in the head.
[whistles]
Ugh!
[explosion]
[Shame laughing]
'There, you done do'ed it, honey!'
Alright, let's board our tow and go.
We got 325 wild horses under this here hood.
Yeah, I gotta hand it to you, Calamity.
You're a woman and a half.
If you could just get rid of the other half.
[siren wailing]
[gunfire]
Mmm.
[sighs] Excellent fondue, Barbara.
It isn't often a bachelor gets to eat good home-cooked meal.
Well, it isn't often a spinster gets to cook for a bachelor.
[telephone rings]
Hello?
Yes. It's for you, daddy.
Hm? Oh.
[clears throat] Thank you.
Commissioner Gordon.
What, Chief O'Hara?
Yes, I'll take care of it right away.
Hold your phone up next to the Bat-phone
and put me through to you-know-who.
'What's the matter?'
Shame, that monstrous maverick of malefices
has made good his threat to come back.
[device beeping]
That's the signal for the Bat-answerphone
we put into action.
[beeps]
(Batman on recorder) 'Yes, commissioner?'
Dreadful news, Batman.
'Exactly what's wrong, commissioner?'
Uh, Shame has just fled Gotham City State Prison.
Can you meet me in my office?
'We'll be right there, commissioner.'
I must beg your forgiveness, Barbara, Bruce, but duty calls.
Yes, I think I should be running along as well, Barbara.
It wouldn't be proper for the two of us to be here alone
in your apartment without...a chaperone.
But what about my fondue?
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
[tires screeching]
They were last seen going north on the highway
in the stolen tank.
Where in the world did they ever get a tank?
Madman Otto's Used Tank Lot.
[chuckles] Begorrah, is he mad now.
[telephone rings]
Yes.
We're doing all we can, Mayor Linseed.
Oh, that's good news.
Thank you, sir, for calling.
They found the tank on West 20th Street.
- Is it still there? - No, they towed it away.
The parking meter had run out.
They probably removed the fingerprints as well.
I think Mayor Linseed should make some changes
'in his towing policy.'
[intercom buzzes]
Yes, Bonnie.
'There's something in the outer office'
for you, commissioner.'
Exactly what, Bonnie? We're quite busy, you know.
- 'A horse.' - A horse!
Chief O'Hara, see what it's all about.
Right.
[sighs]
Tanks in the street, horse in my outer office.
Has the whole world gone batty?
Just an expression, Batman. No sleight intended.
I understand.
Uh, this is what she meant, commissioner, a sawhorse.
And there's a note attached to it addressed to Batman.
It's from Shame.
"I hereby
"am telling y-you
"that imma gonna rob the Gotham City Stage
'"at 8:45 tonight.'
"Imma gonna steal a rock...and a roll.
"I dares you to figure it out
"Dynamic...Dum-Dum.
Best regards, your enemy, Shame."
It's full of misspellings
and a handful of misgivings.
Holy gall!
Hi, everybody.
Well, this certainly looks like a gathering of the clan.
- What's up? - 'Shame is up...to no good.'
He's had the indecent effrontery to tell us what he's gonna steal
and where he's going to steal it.
Sounds like a very cooperative arch criminal to me.
Why all the consternation?
Because none of us can figure out what he's talking about.
Perhaps a session with the Bat-computer
will aide us in our quest, Robin.
We'll be in touch as soon as we figure out
this mystifying missive.
Let's go, Robin.
A short while later
under the cover of darkness
Shame and his cohorts are holed up
in Gotham City's Central Park Stables.
[clinking]
Well, that's a mighty fine-looking gang
you round up there, Calamity Jan.
Shame honey this here is
Fernando Ricardo Enrique Dominguez.
We calls him Fred for short 'cause it's his initials.
Howdy?
The pleasure is entirely mine, you may be sure.
And this here is Chief Standing Pat.
How?
That means, "It's gonna be great working with you
and I hope to get to know you better real soon."
You got all that from one puff?
He talks in shorthand.
Good. Alright, now, here's the nitty-gritty.
We're gonna..
We're gonna knock off the Dynamic Duo.
And Batgirl.
And then we're gonna do somethin'
which I like to refer to as...The Great Train Robbery.
That's scarcely original, you know.
A big mouth is better when it's shut, Fred.
So keep your tongue harnessed and you'll have a thin lip.
I stand chastised.
Good.
Now...you two characters from old-time Western movie
I want you case the stage
'cause we're gonna lift the rock and roll.
Now that's Part One of my caper.
But we can't get to Part Two
before we've done Part One.
Does that make sense to you?
Your lucidity is surpassed only by your remarkable command
and penchant for gibberish.
Well, thanks, Fred. That's mighty nice of ya.
We're gonna be good buddies.
Now, we're gonna meet rendezvous at 8:30. savvy?
Savvy.
[inhales]
That means, "Ugh."
Good. Okay.
Now, you characters get
'cause me and my girl got a little sparkin' to do.
Cheerio.
[thud]
Is there somethin' I can do for you?
You can't get closer than two feet
till a marriage is arranged.
Oh, ma, have a heart.
A mother can't hardly have a heart
where a daughter is concerned.
[sighs]
I've got it.
What do criminals call a rock?
Holy karats, a diamond!
Exactly, Robin.
Now..
...what do they call a roll?
- It might be a bank roll. - Right again, Robin.
But where is the Gotham City Stage?
[Bat-phone beeping]
Yes, commissioner.
Batman, this is Batgirl.
I figured out what the Gotham City Stage is
but I can't make heads or tails about "The rock and the roll."
We obviously need each other, Batgirl.
Meet me at the corner of 61st Street and Washington Avenue.
'We'll talk then.'
Oh, yes.
Well, hello, Barbara.
To what do I owe the honor of this unexpected
but nevertheless welcome visit?
I have two tickets to the opera
I thought you might like to be my date.
I'll have to beg off, darling.
There's no time for cultural pursuits
with Shame on the loose.
Why don't you phone millionaire Bruce Wayne?
Daddy, now how would that look?
I don't wanna appear too eager.
No, I, I understand.
[both chuckling]
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
[Bat-phone beeping]
Yes, Batman.
May I speak with Batgirl, commissioner?
I neglected to ask her which corner we meet on.
Batgirl?
Well, you must be mistaken, Batman, she is not here.
And as far as I know, she hasn't been here.
Thank you, commissioner.
How does she do it?
A moment ago, I spoke to Batgirl on that Bat-phone.
Now the commissioner tells me she wasn't even there.
I don't think we should even attempt to fathom it, Batman.
She treasures her own anonymity every bit
as much as we treasure ours.
Of course, you're right, Robin.
Still..
Well, there's just no time. Let's go, Robin.
As Batman and Robin hurry to their appointment
Barbara Gordon transforms herself into Batgirl.
Scourge of Gotham City's underworld
and defender of truth and justice.
But are their actions too late to stop Shame
from robbing the Gotham City Stage of a rock and roll?
The answer in one breathless minute.
Gotham City Opera House
where a handful of unlikely visitors are already backstage.
Yeah, this must be the place alright.
You can't come in here.
Says who, short stuff?
Well, says me. I'm Pop, the stage doorman.
Pop?
You ain't old enough to drink pop far less be called it.
Well, I'm 17.
And it's a time-honored theatrical tradition
that no matter how old or young the stage doorman is
his name has to be Pop.
Well, goodnight, Pop.
Goodnight? Well, I'm not gonna sleep for hours yet.
Wanna bet?
[thud]
I assumed that Shame meant the Gotham City Opera House Stage
and "The Girl Of The Golden West" was opening.
That's a good assumption, Batgirl.
I know for a fact the two leading singers
in that production have strange quirks which Shame probably
knew about when he talked of rock and roll.
- Such as? - Leonora Sotto Voce.
World's leading soprano, who never goes on stage
without wearing her 283 carat diamond pendant.
And Fortissimo Fra Diavolo who always carries $20,000
in cash in his pockets for luck.
Let's go.
I don't understand, every time I begin my Aria
you're upstaging me. Always upstaging me!
It isn't the case of upstaging you, Fortissimo.
There are two leading singers in this opera
but only one great voice.
Mine!
Alright!
Can that palaver, lady, keep yourself planted to the stage.
You too, Caruso.
Get the diva's diamond, Fred.
'Come on, Chief. Get this poke..'
- What are you doing? - 'Hush her.'
Shame on you, Shame.
Unhand them, you fiend!
Alright.
You!
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[dramatic music]
[laughing]
Hey, bad doggies, here comes my woman's auxiliary.
[Shame laughing]
[continues laughing]
That's alright, Frontier Fanny.
Kissing don't really count when it's through the cloth.
Ha ha ha!
How do you like that, Bat-brats?
[stuttering] W-w-what have you done to us, S-Shame?
I gave you a dose of fear gas.
- 'A dose of what?' - A dose of fear gas!
From now on you'll be scared of everything
you Cowardly Caped Crusaders.
Don't hurt us. Please don't hurt us!
Oh, spare our lives, kind sir.
We'd do the same for you, honest, honest, honest.
- Honest, we would! - Yeah, I reckon I would.
I ain't all bad, just mostly.
- Stand in front of me, Batgirl. - No! No!
Hey, Chief, we'll take the Batgirl with us
that way the police won't bother us.
Don't worry about them other two. They ain't worth anything.
Take her! Take her! Take her!
- Bring her along. - She's yours!
Alright, let's go, let's go, let's go.
How do you like that, Scaredy Bats?
[laughs]
Fred, did you hear that? That's pretty good.
Scaredy Bats.
Good, good, they took the girl.
Yeah, not us.
Master Robin.
What is this?
- What are you trying to do? - It's probably poison.
He wants to see us dead, he's always hated us.
Yes, yes. You're right, Robin.
You're not to be trusted either, Boy Wonder.
- Well, neither are you. - 'Come, come, Master Robin.'
Really, sir. Alleviate your tensions.
This broth is composed of two parts chicken soup
and one part Bat-antidote powder.
I wonder.
'It's to counteract the terrible effects of the fear gas.'
You needn't have no trepidation.
[Bat-phone beeping]
What's that beeping?
'I'll take it, sir.'
Yes, commissioner.
May I speak with Batman, please?
I'm afraid he's indisposed.
Well, then, give him these messages.
The newspapers and the state hierarchy
are clamoring for an arrest.
And furthermore, in addition to Batgirl being kidnapped
my own daughter Barbara is nowhere to be found.
I'll certainly transmit your message, sir.
Yes, Alfred.
You best get going, sir.
It appears that the mayor and the governor
are in a bit of a snit.
'Feeling better, sir?'
Yes, but there seems to be..
...a slight residue of fear left.
However, I must shunt this aside...and press on.
- Let's go, Robin. - Where?
Hm. Yes, where?
We've learned from past experience
that Shame is happiest when he's around horses.
Now, where would we find horses in the heart of Gotham City?
- Uh, The Police Riding Academy. - No, no, no.
Shame wouldn't be that brazen to hide at a police stable.
But there is one place he might be.
Holy hoofbeats!
The Gotham Central Park Stables!
They're right across the street from the opera house.
Let's go, Robin.
(Shame) 'Now, here's the plan.'
Here's the plan.
You take this grubstake out
and buy acetylene torch and a drill.
Why don't we merely purloin those items
instead of purchase them?
'Cause it don't pay none, Fred.
It don't pay none to risk getting caught
over small potatoes.
Besides, I need you for The Great Train Robbery.
You sure he's Mexican?
You'll make him good squaw.
Plenty of meat.
And you'll make him good rug!
[laughing]
Oh, boy, that ol' fatty's a hundred laughs, ain't she?
Oh, Shame honey
can't you just picture how happy we're gonna be
you and ma and me, livin' on our own spread west of Laramie?
Where the air is clear and smog free
and the corn is as high as Chief Standing Pat's eye.
Can't you just picture it?
I'm picturin' about two-thirds of it.
Alright, let's see how little Batchick's doin'?
Hello, Batchick.
I think you're caring too much about her.
I'm all for ventilating her head and leaving her here.
Simmer down, woman. Simmer down.
She's our insurance policy.
As long as she's still breathing
this Gotham City air, nobody's gonna stampede us.
Besides, you know it's you..
...and only you.
And me..
...and only me.
[clears throat]
Oh, why couldn't you have been born an orphan?
Oh, good. Good.
You got the drill? Good. Alright! Now, let's get.
- Shame honey. - Yeah?
- You ain't worried none? - No, I ain't worried.
As long as I've got that-that horseshoe up there..
That's a sign of good luck.
Okay, we're riding high on hog.
Let's go.
Come on, pussycat.
Come on!
Get up. Get up.
[shouts]
[thud]
There doesn't seem to be anyone here.
Look!
It's Frontier Fanny, Calamity Jan's mother.
They've got Batgirl and we've got Fanny.
It hardly seems like a fair trade, does it, Robin?
What do we do now, Batman?
I wish I knew, Robin. I wish I knew.
With Batgirl in the clutches of that Frontier Felon
who knows what disaster awaits her or all of Gotham City.
On your feet.
Alright, where did Shame go?
What's he going to do with Batgirl?
What is it that you'd like to know?
Yes, we would like to know.
Well, I'll tell you this, Dynamic Dummies.
Do anything to me
and Batgirl's chances of living through the night
ain't worth a pitcher of warm tears.
I never met a person I didn't like, Frontier Fanny.
But in this case, I might have to make an exception.
Have Batman and Robin been hornswoggled?
Watch the next episode for the thrilling conclusion.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman