(male narrator) A festive day in Gotham City.
And at a civic luncheon at the Gotham Astoria..
...Police Commissioner Gordon is being honored
for 25 years of faithful service.
¶ For he's a jolly good fellow
¶ Which nobody can deny
Oh, thank you, Chief O'Hara.
But I.. I really don't think I deserve all this.
Oh, daddy, you're too modest.
Sure'n that he is. Right, Mr. Wayne?
The commissioner deserves far more than we can ever repay.
He's given the best years of his life to Gotham City.
Where the devil is Mayor Linseed?
He's supposed to present a special award
to the commissioner.
There he is now, with Mrs. Linseed.
[comical music]
[no dialog]
They seem to be arguing about something, Dick.
[music continues]
Ladies and gentlemen, as a token of our appreciation
for Commissioner Gordon's long service
I wish to present him with this 24-carat gold watch.
Commissioner..
[guests applauding]
And now..
...due to circumstances beyond my control..
That is...um...due to overwhelming considerations
I hereby discharge Commissioner Gordon..
[intense music]
'...and in his stead'
I appoint, as the new Police Commissioner of Gotham City..
Miss Nora Clavicle.
[murmuring]
The famous Nora Clavicle.
I didn't realize her Crusade for Women
had gone this far.
I'd say she's won that crusade.
Saints preserve us. Saints preserve us all.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na na na ¶
¶ Batman
[marching band music]
[music continues]
Thank you, Mayor Linseed.
As the new Police Commissioner
I intend to carry on my crusade for women's rights.
And to prove that women can run Gotham City better than men.
Much better.
So, my first official act will be to appoint
a new Police Chief.
Mrs. Linseed.
[murmuring]
I had no other choice, Mr. Wayne.
My wife is such a devoted follower
of Miss Clavicle's Crusade for Women that..
...she refused to cook or clean or wash my shirts
until I appointed Miss Clavicle Commissioner of Police.
I've worn this shirt for a week!
I haven't had a decent meal in months!
It's alright, Mayor Linseed. We understand.
Commissioner..
'Can you ever forgive me?'
Of course, Mayor Linseed, I understand how difficult
it was for you.
The question is, how difficult will it be for Gotham City?
One moment, sir.
I mean, ma'am!
It's her, sir.
Yes, Miss Clavicle?
Commissioner Clavicle, Batman, calling to tell you
you can take an extended vacation.
We girls are handling things now
and we won't need any help from you men
Bat or otherwise.
Goodbye, Batman.
Hmm. There's something curious about this affair.
Very curious, indeed, sir.
Well, we're dressed for investigating.
Let's investigate!
There's nothing to investigate yet, Robin.
However, we could take a ride around Gotham City just in case.
Well, good luck, sir. We men are counting on you, you know.
Right, Alfred.
To the Batmobile!
While, in the secret closet behind Barbara Gordon's bedroom
Batgirl has a very similar idea.
But even as she starts her own investigation..
...what's happening in Commissioner Gordon's..
Commissioner Clavicle's office?
Nora, what you're doing is wonderful.
Women will finally take their rightful place in the world.
Half the credit is yours, Millie dear.
You reorganized the police department.
It was nothing, really.
Nothing? To fire every man on the police force
and replace them all with women?
That was quite a job.
Well, I'd better see that things are running smoothly.
You do that, dear.
Now that she's out of the way
you girls may proceed with Operation Ransack
while I proceed with Operation Disaster Insurance.
But what about Batman and Robin, boss?
Those masked menfolk?
Pshaw.
And what about...Batgirl?
Oh, yes! I forgot about her.
With a woman helping them
Batman and Robin might just give us some trouble.
But all we have to do is make a call
and lead them into a trap.
We can't call them, boss.
You cut the wire.
So I did. But we can still lead them into a trap.
Well, how? How can we find them?
Where does one usually find Batman and Robin?
Well, usually, they're at the scene of some crime--
Aha!
Ah, yes. I see what you mean.
[laughing conspiratorially]
Later, at the Gotham City National Bank
Angelina and Evelina are making a scene..
...of a crime!
Hand over the goodies, and don't dawdle!
- Officer! - Oh!
Now look what you've made me do!
But, b-but...there's a robbery!
It's all smeared!
[whining]
Then, add a little paprika
and simmer over a low flame for 15 minutes.
(Evelina) Don't forget the bay leaves.
(Angelina) And a peppercorn or two.
- Thank you. Thank you! - Thank you?
But my bank's just been burgled.
I hadn't thought of bay leaves. Yes.
Officer! Chase them!
They've just robbed my bank!
How can I chase them when they have the car?
And all I have are my new Givenchy shoes
and I'm certainly not going to wreck them!
What's that, Car Six?
A clearance sale at Arbech's?
Ooh!
Calling all cars! Girls, listen!
Arbech's has just marked all their dresses down 20 percent.
I've been cruising around myself, Batman
and everything seems to be normal so far.
Don't forget the shoe sale at DuBar's, girls.
Wonderful bargains.
Oh, by the way, Gotham National Bank has just been robbed.
'But the big news is the two-for-one sale'
'at Slob's Drugs..'
Holy bargain basements, Batman!
Our concern is the bargain hunters
at the Gotham National Bank.
Right, Batman.
[intense music]
[theme music]
Thank goodness you're here, Batman.
Two girl bank robbers just robbed my bank
while the policewomen did nothing!
Then they took off into thin air in a getaway car--
Sometimes you can see a great deal in thin air, sir.
You mean, back to the Batcomputer in the Batcave?
No time for that. We'll use the portable Batcomputer
in the Batmobile.
I think I'll tag along, Batman.
The instruments in the Batgirlcycle
aren't quite as sophisticated as those in the Batmobile.
Thank you.
[theme music]
Following the portable Batcomputer's lead
the Terrific Trio drop in on the warehouse
of Dropstitch and Company.
Manufacturers of fine knitting needles.
But who has the drop on whom?
[Batgirl gasps] Don't make a move, Batgirl!
Nor you either, Dynamic Duo.
Holy knit one pearl two!
Exactly, Boy Wonder.
This needle is razor sharp
and can puncture her jugular vein in an instant.
Alright, girls, let's tie the Terrific Trio
into Terrific Siamese Human Knots!
You are wise to stay motionless
or you will be the Terminated Trio.
The slightest move by any one of you
will only draw the Human Knot tighter.
'Crush your bones.'
[laughing diabolically]
Strangle you.
Holy hamstrings!
Exactly, Robin.
This is torture, at its most bizarre and terrible.
[dramatic music]
I understand your desire to checkmate us, Miss Clavicle.
Commissioner Clavicle, Batman.
But I strongly suspect there's more to your scheme
than just tying us in a Siamese Human Knot.
Very observant, Batman.
And you're right. There is more. Much more.
'As soon as night falls'
I'm planning to destroy all of Gotham City!
- All of Gotham City? - Why?
Do you know what this document is, Batman?
If I dared move my head, I might recognize it, but I daren't.
It's an insurance policy on Gotham City.
Holy underwritten metropolis!
Exactly, Boy Bow-knot.
I've insured Gotham City for ten million dollars
and what do you think it cost me?
Two hundred dollars, perhaps?
Two hundred dollars! For a ten million dollar policy?
Yes, Batgirl, because the risk is so low.
The chances of destroying
an entire city are infinitesimal.
Right again, Batman.
But Gotham City will be destroyed.
I'll collect the ten million
and there won't be any witnesses around to make trouble.
(Nora) 'Oh, you'll find it completely impossible'
'to ever get out of that Human Knot.'
But it will all be over...soon.
Come on, Evelina, Angelina should be outside
with the truck by now.
Don't...move!
[Nora laughing diabolically]
[laughing continues]
Do we dare breathe, Batman?
Cautiously, Robin, cautiously.
Talking has been dangerous enough.
A deep breath might prove fatal.
Are they all set to go off one-half hour after sunset?
- Yes, boss. - Ah, good.
That will give them time to distribute themselves
throughout the city.
And when they explode
there won't be a building left standing in Gotham City!
Aren't they darling little creatures?
Lovely, lovely.
[patriotic music]
I loathe standing in lines, Chief O'Hara.
Well, at least it's only one day a week, commissioner.
Besides, what else can we do?
Get other jobs.
But we've been policemen almost all of our lives.
We don't know how to do anything else.
True enough, Chief O'Hara.
We only know one trade
and suddenly that trade is closed to us.
Taken over by women!
Begorrah, the shame of it!
I can't stand this much longer, Batman.
I'm getting terrible cramps in my legs!
- Good! - Good? Terrible cramps?
Exactly, Robin.
The involuntary muscular contractions in Batgirl's legs
may indirectly relieve the tension
in your lower lumbar region.
Holy slipped disc!
Not quite, Robin.
If I can wiggle my ears
and if you are able to bend the fourth finger
on your left hand just a fraction of an inch--
You might strangle us all!
Release us, Batgirl.
It's the Basic Formula
for escaping from the Siamese Human Knot.
I just recalled it.
Ready?
- Ready, Robin? - Ready.
I'm beginning to wiggle my ears under my cowl.
Alright. I'm releasing my fourth finger.
I'm wiggling.
I've got it.
Ah.
Gosh, Batman, what a simple way
to get out of a Siamese Human Knot.
But, what do we do now?
Yes. We really know nothing of Miss Commissioner Clavicle's
plan to destroy Gotham City.
Perhaps we can start with...that.
[woman screaming]
[screaming]
What's inside it?
(Batman) 'Oh! A high explosive charge'
and a timing device..
...apparently set to go off a half an hour after sunset.
But, how could a little charge..
Holy mechanical armies!
Exactly, Robin.
There's a legion of these lethal mice
whirring through Gotham City at this very moment.
We can't catch them all, not before dark.
I know.
Robin, call Chief O'Har..
Chief Linseed on the police channel.
Tell her to mobilize her entire force
and send them out to gather up these mice.
I'll be back by the time you finish that call.
Connect me with Chief Linseed, please. It's an emergency.
Chief Linseed?
Yes, Robin. We know about the mice.
[intense music]
But, I'm afraid my police force won't be very much help to you.
Officer, are those mice still down there?
Yes, Chief Linseed.
Ohh! Oh, excuse me, Robin. I'm afraid I'm going to faint.
Oh, me, too.
I might have known.
You can't get policewomen
to help you catch mice.
It's diabolical!
I'm afraid you're right, Robin. But we may have one last hope.
What are you doing, Batman? This is no time for games!
Robin, look!
[flute music]
How'd you do it, Batman?
There's no time to explain, Robin.
I want you both to play exactly the same tune you just heard.
Batgirl, you take the east side. Robin, you take the west side.
East side, west side. I'll go through midtown.
We'll meet at the docks.
- But-- - Just play, Robin.
Play for all you're worth.
[flute music]
With only moments left before disaster
the Terrific Trio and their retinue of rodents
arrived at dockside.
[water splashing]
[flute music]
We made it!
With very few moments to spare.
But how'd you know they'd follow us, Batman?
I was able to determine that the guidance system
in the mice was built
around the principle of high-frequency radar.
So, by selecting the right combination of flute toots
I was able to cause those mice and their homing mechanisms
to zero in on the source of the sounds, the flutes.
The Pied Pipers of Gotham City.
[chuckles]
You might say that.
[engine revving]
I see you have some interesting freight there.
That we do, Batman. Caught 'em at the edge of town.
Just as you said we might when you phoned me.
They were exceeding the speed limit
by a considerable margin, sir
so we, we thought it best to take them into custody.
You can't arrest us. You have no power.
Citizen's arrest, me fine feathered females!
You should have bought some prison insurance, Miss Clavicle.
(Gordon) 'She'll need it where she's going, Boy Wonder.'
A long term policy
with Warden Crichton as the beneficiary.
It'll be nice to have our old jobs back again.
- Won't it, commissioner? - It will indeed, Chief O'Hara.
It will indeed.
Well, with Nora Clavichord behind bars--
- Chief O'Hara, that's Clavicle! - Oh.
Well, a rose by any other name, commissioner.
And what a rose she was
with Mrs. Linseed under her thumb
and all those exploding mice under her feet!
Yes. At least she didn't pull it off
thanks to Batman, Robin and Batgirl.
Do you think we'll have a breather now, commissioner?
Unless we get some disturbing phone call, Chief O'Hara.
[phone ringing]
Commissioner Gordon.
[high-pitched quacking]
Penguin!
Just let me ask you one thing, commissioner.
Did you ever hear of the lethal Nigerian fruit fly?
[high-pitched quacking]
And Commissioner Gordon certainly will hear
of lethal Nigerian fruit flies.
And so shall we all..
...when Penguin pulls his insidious insect antic
in our next episode.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman