¶ Batman
(male narrator) Ambergris Bay outside Gotham City
where the elite flee the heat.
[instrumental music]
It's a lovely beach house, Bruce.
I really haven't used it very much.
Now that my youthful ward Dick Grayson is growing up.
He needs a place to entertain his friends.
It's just perfect for that.
I'm honored that you asked me to help chaperone his party.
Well, here come the beachcombers.
We better get the hotdogs ready.
I think we were followed from the beach.
But I don't know why. All we did was pick up some old bottles
and a bunch of stuff that looks like soaked gram bread.
Soaked gram bread?
Do you know what this is, Dick? It's ambergris.
The stuff given forth by whales from which they make perfume?
Mm-hmm.
Ambergris has a strange fixative quality which allows perfumes
to retain their scent.
A lump this size should be worth a fortune on the perfume market.
Gosh! Let's see if we can get some more.
(male #1) 'Not so fast, junior.'
[dramatic music]
Hand over that whale grease.
Aren't you gentlemen being a little presumptuous?
This is private property.
We'll take off, mac. When we get what we came after.
Hand it over.
[dramatic music]
[fingers snapping]
Bring the kid and Mr. Wayne along too.
You, mac, and junior, come along with us.
- You can't just barge-- - This says we can, lady.
Come on, get moving.
[dramatic music]
I'll introduce myself later, Mr. Wayne.
I'm sorry, sir, but Batman is out of the city for a day or so.
No, sir, Master Robin is with him.
No, I'm afraid I wouldn't know how to reach them, sir.
What?
Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson kidnapped at gun point?
I-I..
I'm sorry if I appear a trifle upset, sir, but..
...any citizen of Gotham City would be shocked
at such appalling news.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[intense music]
[music continues]
Oh, this ambergris will help me greatly to convert
your priceless lilacs to priceless oil of lilacs, Louie.
That's good, honey. Good.
But making perfume even for such an expert as I requires
other fixative Asians to set the staying powers in the scent.
Name them, Lotus, name them.
Nothing is going to stop me from cornering
the lilac perfume market of Gotham City.
And the lilac soap market, Louie.
The soap market too.
And the lilac cosmetics market.
Cosmetics too.
What do you need, baby?
Well, I need scent pouches of a number of Abyssinian civet cats.
Alright. Sure, sure.
The glands of as many muskrats as possible.
Muskrats, sure, sure.
And a large supply of beaver castor follicles.
Sure, sure.
And the tonquin from a herd of musk deer.
You heard that, boys.
Glands we know about, Louie
but what is follicles and tonquin?
What are you dumb or something?
Don't you understand what she's sayin'?
She's talkin' about, uh...scent pouches.
That's what she's talkin' about.
You guys go out and round up the animals.
When you catch 'em, bring 'em and put 'em in the basement.
Get going! Move!
[dramatic music]
Mr. Wayne, you're gonna remove those pouches.
I hear you're an international sportsman.
'And an authority on animals.'
[music continues]
How you doing?
Not too well.
I'm trying to reach out for my two-way transistor wrist watch.
I seem to be getting a beep from the receiver
but the sender is dead.
What are you two mumbling about?
Just...passing the time of day, Louie.
Let's hope the authorities pass over the million dollars
I'm planning to ask for you shortly.
That's a high price for two average people.
We're all ready, commissioner.
What's this, home movies?
We can get no lead whatsoever on the whereabouts
of the Caped Crusaders.
But we have been able with some rapid research
to put together some film coverage
of their most outstanding exploits.
May be we can find out some
new crime-fighting techniques from it.
- Yeah. - Okay, Jim.
Now first, is where that western badman Shame
'cornered them in a cattle stampede.'
[reel whirring]
And next, is when Robin, the Boy Wonder
'was almost eaten alive by a giant clam.'
[reel whirring]
Oh, and then this one
Mr. Freeze is makin' 'em into frosty freezers.
[reel whirring]
And here they are chasing King Tut.
[reel whirring]
That's enough, Jim.
Not much help anyway.
[intercom buzzing]
Yes, Bonnie.
'The director of the Gotham City Zoo'
'is on your private line, commissioner.'
Thank you, Bonnie.
Yes, Mr. Buck.
[intense music]
Yes, Mr. Buck.
All the Abyssinian civet cats, beavers
muskrats and musk deer in the zoo are gone?
[dramatic music]
I'm sorry, gentlemen. We're as much in the dark
as you are regarding this distressing development.
We've not been contacted by the kidnappers, so I have no idea
why they're holding Mr. Wayne and Master Grayson
and the police have not been able to reach Batman or Robin.
Mrs. Cooper is upstairs in a state of shock
and I appeal to you to respect what is left of our privacy.
Now thank you, gentlemen. Good day. Thank you so much.
Ms. Gordon?
Your phones have been busy for hours, Alfred.
[telephone ringing] So I decided to come out here.
If you'll excuse me. No doubt another concerned inquiry.
[ringing continues]
Yes?
Oh, Governor Stonefellow.
How very thoughtful of you to call, sir.
No. No, we've had no word.
[phone beeping]
I take upon sir.
Uh.. What.. No. No, of course.
[phone beeping]
Well, I'll tell Mrs. Cooper.
Of course and, uh, thanks for your concern.
Uh-uh, careful. It's a very dusty duster.
I thought I heard something bleeping under it.
The, uh, the friendly ghosts of stately Wayne Manor
play occasional tricks on one's ears.
The friendly ghosts have certainly provided Mr. Wayne
with an impressive personal library.
And what a lovely head of Shakespeare.
Uh, don't touch that.
I'm sorry, Ms. Gordon, but it's a priced possession
of my missing employer and..
...in the distressing circumstance I-I..
Of course, Alfred, I understand.
And those distressing circumstances
are what I came out here to talk to you about.
For reasons too numerous to mention, I strongly suspect
Louie, the Lilac has kidnapped Mr. Wayne and his youthful ward.
Louie, the Lilac? Did you tell your father?
No, my father wouldn't take me seriously.
After all, he knows nothing of my other identity.
But if you hear anything or get any messages, please contact me.
It's going to be difficult without Batman or Robin
but maybe Batgirl alone can do something.
I'll contact you, of course.
Thank you, Alfred. I'll see myself to the door.
[dramatic music]
With Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson kidnapped
and held hostage in the defunct fragrance factory..
While Louie, the Lilac and lovely Lotus
plot to pillage and plunder the world of perfume..
Give us a moment to untangle this trickily tangled scam.
[dramatic music]
The defunct fragrance factory on Lavender Lane.
Where did you get that tip, Alfred?
An anonymous informant, miss.
I'll check it out at once, and thanks for calling me.
Well, Charlie, Batgirl rides again and alone.
[Charlie squawking]
[dramatic music]
Who are you? What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm sorry, miss. I'm the maintenance man, the new one.
I thought you were out, so I took my keys and I came up.
'The people downstairs were complaining'
'about the grinding noise up here.'
Did you know that this wall revolves?
I know the wall revolves.
Apparently it was built to do just that for a previous tenant.
Sir, you don't have to pry it open.
I usually use this door.
Where does it go?
To a secret closet behind the wall.
I use it for extra storage space.
- Would you like to see it? - Oh, sure.
Sure. I'm a sucker for secret closets.
- Right this way. - Yes, ma'am.
Not much, is it?
Nothing for the neighbors to complain about.
I don't know what they talkin' about.
Neither do I.
And as you say, you never use the revolving door anyway
No, no. Of course not.
Well, I'm very sorry. I-I surprised you, lady.
I really am, and I'll never do it again.
Yes, it's not very wise of you. I keep several guns here
and an innocent maintenance man
makes a pretty good target sometimes.
Oh, don't you worry, lady.
I'll never use my pass key to come in the back way again.
Never. And, uh, and you can make book on that.
- Bye now. - Bye.
Phew!
That was a close call, Charlie.
[squawking]
[dramatic music]
So once again Barbara Gordon
begins her tantalizing transformation.
And shortly emerges from her secret exit as Batgirl.
Even as the Batmobile arrives in Gotham City
during a passing shower, without a driver.
Which Alfred is explaining to his abducted employer.
I trust you're receiving me, sir, wherever you are.
(Alfred) 'And wherever you are, I believe I've located you.'
Help is on the way. I'm advising Commissioner Gordon
of your whereabouts, and I took the liberty of sending
in the Batmobile by remote Bat-control.
'In case it can do its bit, sir.'
'Over and out.'
- Hear that? - Most of it.
Too bad there's no way to get back to him.
What are you two mumbling about?
[dramatic music]
What's that awful odor?
It's all over the place.
Saffron and Sassafras must have arrived in the basement
'with Abyssinian civet cats, the muskrats'
and the beavers and musk deer.
We sure did.
And you intend to make perfume out of those smelly animals?
Oh, no, Louie. Out of their glands.
Oh, yes, which Mr. Wayne is going to remove.
'Untie our prisoners, gentlemen.'
Don't bother, Lilac.
I have no intention of performing that operation.
It's illegal.
It's nothing short of criminal mutilation.
I'm sure hunger, thirst, and exhaustion
will help you change your mind about..
...cooperating with me, Mr. Wayne.
Is time running out for Louie, the Lilac?
As the driverless Batmobile arrives on Lavender Lane.
Next, Batgirl!
[instrumental music]
And finally, the police.
News travels fast, Batgirl.
And apparently, Batman and Robin even faster.
Some seventh sense must've told them
the dire dilemma facing Gotham city.
Right, begorrah, and brought 'em home.
Well, if they're inside this defunct factory
perhaps we can help them.
Flanagan, the horn.
Louie, the Lilac, Police Commissioner Gordon speaking.
'We have you surrounded.'
Come out with your hostages, with your hands raised
'and even that herd of animals you hijacked.'
What do we do now, Louie?
Just this.
I've my own bullhorn, right here in my lilac boutonniere.
(Louie) 'Commissioner Gordon, it's lilac time for you, commissioner.'
Do you hear me? Lilac time.
So vacate this area along with your men at once.
One move to interrupt what I have planned will result
in the immediate demise of millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson.
Batman and Robin can't be inside yet.
Perhaps, they've gone around back to find a way in.
Sure, and it's possible.
The Dynamic Duo will never..
- What? - What happened to Batgirl?
Oh, well.. Apparently she's gone to join them.
We'll stay right where we are and see what happens.
Flanagan, on the alert.
[dramatic music]
Louie. The police haven't left yet.
The Batmobile is out there and that purple pod of Batgirl's.
- And Batgirl's in here. - No, Batgirl.
Get out, Quick!
Grab her. Grab her!
[laughing]
He stunned her.
It's some invisible spray from his lilac boutonniere.
Now I have three hostages.
If anyone tries to invade this place, they will die. Instantly!
What do you call the process for extracting
the scent from blossoms?
Maceration.
When the flowers are soaked in a wax of hot oil.
Hot oil, of course.
Bar all entrances.
Lock the cellarway. Into the basement.
'When and if the Dynamic Duo make their appearance '
they'll be greeted by a unique new fragrance.
Cologned Batgirl.
So the minutes tick by
and Batgirl is placed in a macerating vat.
into which Lotus will shortly pump boiling oil.
[dramatic music]
Just a minute, Louie.
If you spare that brave young girl's life
I'll remove the scent pouches from those animals.
Sounds like a fair deal.
I have your word, you let her live.
Killing Batgirl was never part of my original plan, Mr. Wayne.
What equipment would you need for your operation?
I'll need two glasses of warm water.
Two glasses of warm water?
Yes, warm water plays a major part
in newly perfected animal surgery.
Okay. Untie them.
Get him two glasses of warm water
and lock them in the basement.
[dramatic music]
Batgirl dies anyway.
I was hoping you'd say that, Louie.
Are you ready?
No, not quite.
'The oil won't flow freely until it's really boiling.'
[dramatic music]
There's your two glasses of warm water.
And down there are your pungent patients.
[music continues]
Gosh, Bruce! Those muskrats and musk deer are sure musky.
Forget them, Dick. There's not much time.
What are we gonna do with the water?
Hold 'em.
'What are those?'
The latest invention of Batman.
Instant unfolding Bat-costumes.
'Complete with utility belts.'
Drop 'em in the water.
[music continues]
Watch.
(Robin) Gee, they're openin' up. Just like those
'paper Chinese flowers do when they're dropped in water.'
Is the oil boiling yet?
Just starting. I can pump it into the vat in a moment.
[music continues]
Holy finishing touches!
But now what? That door is bolted on the other side.
But that window. We'll use our Bat-hooks
and our laser bar-cutter. Let's go.
What in the world could be happening in there?
Maybe he's killed 'em all. Including Batman and Robin.
He didn't kill Batman and Robin.
We're trying to break in at rear entrance with no luck.
Batgirl's in great danger.
If you can help us, we'll break in the front way.
Yes, certainly. Alright, boys, give him a hand.
- Alright. - Alright, follow me.
[dramatic music]
Get 'em, get 'em, get 'em.
[grunting]
[music continues]
[glass shattering]
[music continues]
[grunting]
[music continues]
Tell me something, Batgirl.
How did you get out of that vat?
With my Batgirl vat-opener.
After Louie's knock out spray wore off.
We'd better get Bruce and Dick. They're locked in the basement.
We'll take care of that, Batgirl. You've had a tough day.
You go outside and get Gordon in here
to pick up this lavender mob.
Right.
Let's hurry, Robin.
[dramatic music]
Alright, men, round 'em all up here.
Take 'em over there.
There's one thing you may not know about lilacs, commissioner.
The rarest of them all.
Genus lily, maybe cut way back.
But always grows again, and never dies.
Take him away, Jim.
Believe me, we're grateful that you're all still alive.
Where are Batman and Robin?
Say, that's right.
That's odd.
Oh, they just kept going.
They said they had pressing business.
(Gordon) 'The Bat-mobile! It's gone.'
(Batgirl) 'That's right.'
How'd you do it?
The sending device of my watch started working again
I was able to tell Alfred to activate
the Batmobile's remote control.
The Dynamic Duo may be gone but that basement is full of
Abyssinian civet cat, muskrats, beaver and musk deer.
Gosh! And they smell terrible.
Well, another canny, colorful crook is in the clink.
And a tuckered-out police commissioner is going to breathe
much easier on his west cape cruise.
West cape cruise?
I think I've earned myself a little vacation, Bruce.
And the department's in good hands
with Chief O'Hara at the helm.
- When do you leave? - End of the week, why?
I-it's just that..
You two look as though I were committing some sort of
criminal act by taking a vacation.
As I was saying, commissioner
Gotham City is planning a civic luncheon
in you honor next week.
My honor?
It was supposed to be a surprise.
But now the cat's out of the bag.
Well, there goes the west cape cruse.
I'm deeply touched.
And, uh, just between the four of us I, uh..
...I'll certainly try to act surprised at this..
...surprise luncheon.
Commissioner Gordon won't have to act surprised
at the affair in his honor.
He's going to get the surprise of his life
from that dauntless champion of women's rights
Ms. Nora Clavicle.
He is certainly is.
Especially when he discovers..
...he's ex-police Commissioner Gordon.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman