¶ Batman
What's this?
An ambush outside the home
of millionaire Karnaby Katz.
Where Catwoman, The Joker
and their evil cohorts
lie wickedly and wait
for Batgirl and the Caped Crusaders.
We'll get in touch with you, if we find some more clues.
Where can I get in touch with you, Batman?
Yes, that has been a problem, but we'll manage.
We have before.
[Joker laughing]
Looking for something, Batgirl?
Like this spark plug, purr-haps?
So you didn't leave.
Not only didn't we leave
but neither did our dependable cat's-paws.
[laughing]
[Batgirl grunting]
Won't she break through that thin twine, Catwoman?
I think not, Joker.
Those cat's whiskers
a fiendish invention of mine.
They automatically contract when placed in close contact
with the heat of the body.
[purring]
[laughing]
So, in seconds, Batgirl will be strangled to death.
Thereby, ridding Gotham city of one-third of the terrific trio.
You see, when I do a job I do it right.
And why didn't we attack them all while we were at it?
There are only four of us and three of them.
The odds would be most purr-turbing.
Finished?
Yes, Catwoman.
- Good. - Soon, so will she.
Now let's get back to the Novelty Company
and plan our next cataclysmic move.
[laughing]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
Free at last
as the sprinkling system
has caused the cat whiskers to expand
rather than contract.
You both look trifle harassed, sir, if I may say so.
- Perhaps this snack will help. - Oh, no, thank you.
You know I never mix crime fighting with eating.
Besides, I don't think it'll help us solve our problem
with Catwoman and Joker.
I could force myself to take a bite.
[Bat-phone beeping]
- Yes, commissioner. - Batgirl just called me.
She wants to meet at the intersection
of Cattail lane and Nine Lives alley.
That's just behind
the Novelty Manufacturing Center of Gotham City.
She on the other phone. Shall I tell her you'll be there?
- By all means, commissioner. - Right.
Cattail lane, Nine Lives alley.
The Grimalkin Novelty Company is on that corner.
Grimalkin? What kind of a name is that?
An obscure but nevertheless acceptable
synonym for cat, Robin.
Let's go.
While the Dynamic Duo race back to Gotham City
Catwoman and Joker have already put their plan into motion.
This is the map which will lead us
to the gunpowder hidden over 200 years ago
by Garcon Maltese, the famous crook.
This nightshirt is a map?
It's perfectly obvious, Joker.
And thanks to it
we shall steal the gunpowder.
Then blast our way in and out of the Federal Depository.
Well, it's a funny map without any printing on it.
It's the shape that's purr-suasive.
This is a chart
of Phony Island.
Located on the southern tip of Gotham city.
Oh, and that X marks the leeward end.
And that's where the stuff is, right?
(Catwoman) 'Wrong.'
X does not mark the spot. It's the starting place.
To find the exact location, we must look at the crib.
It's written backwards
and...in French.
Giggler, get my mirror.
Laugher, get my Furr-ench dictionary.
[speaking in French]
Oh, that's the first time I ever heard a cat purr in French.
Skip the flattery, Joker, and give me the translation.
"From X on the map"
"walk 50 meters north"
"then 50 feet...right"
"then try to find the wrong stone."
Now what's that supposed to mean?
Exactly the opposite of what it says.
'The poem says it's a fib.'
Therefore, we walk 50 meters south
then 50 feet left
to find the right stone.
Oh, it's easy when you know the key.
Well, shall we go?
We shall, Joker.
How about rushing the place, Batman?
Shh.
I think not, Robin.
All they've done is stolen a few items
attempted to kill you, me and Batgirl.
No, I think they planned something really big.
Here they come.
Meet us there, boys. The Kitty Car only holds two.
[laughing]
- They're getting away. - No, Robin.
I've adjusted the radar on the Batmobile to trace them.
By tuning in on the sonic emanations from their motor
we'll be able to stay up to five miles behind them
and still know precisely where they are.
We'll stay out of sight until they reach their destination.
Then and only then will we pounce on them.
To the Batmobile.
What about my Batgirl-cycle?
It's hidden around the corner.
We'll pick it up later, Batgirl.
It'll be much faster if we all go together.
Cozy.
Meanwhile, Catwoman and Joker arrive
at the Phony Island lighthouse.
Formerly a busy bastion of light
but now almost inoperative.
Look for something marked with an X.
I found it. I found it.
I found the rock with the X mark.
Now it should be a piece of cake.
Now, 50 meters south and 50 feet left.
You know...the only trouble with keeping this lighthouse
Mr. Keeper, is that there isn't enough
for a lighthouse keeper to keep keeping.
Mrs. Keeper, I'm the lighthouse keeper.
You just keep the lighthouse clean.
Clean? All I do is vacuum the upstairs bedroom.
What life is that for a stylish, attractive
sophisticated, intelligent woman?
Mrs. Keeper, when you married me
you knew I was a lighthouse keeper
You knew it'd be a lonely life.
I thought it sounded romantic.
But there's nothing romantic about shipwrecks and seagulls.
Mrs. Keeper, we haven't had a shipwreck in two days.
Of course we haven't. The light's out
in the lighthouse half the time.
You sure think that a lighthouse keeper would know how to keep--
- Just stop talking. - Stop talking?
Then I'd really have nothing to do
except vacuum the upstairs bedroom.
Well, at least stop talking to me.
Here, you can talk to our visitors.
Visitors? What visitors?
There's a whole bunch of strangers
headed in our direction.
Seven, eight, nine, ten.
Now, 50 feet left.
One, two..
Well, what do you know.
Company. I better get back upstairs and vacuum the bedroom.
Vacuum the bedroom? What are you going up there for?
Every five minutes you're going up there to do some vacuuming.
46, 47, 48, 49, 50.
Should be around here somewhere
unless I counted wrong.
Maybe feet were smaller in those days.
You sure you've figured everything?
I never make a mistake.
Look what we found upstairs.
Unhand me, you underhanded bully.
Well, what do we have here?
I am the lighthouse keeper.
This is my missus, Mrs. Keeper.
And this is private property.
A lighthouse? Private property?
[laughing]
Well, private public property.
It means, you keep off.
I think we've heard enough.
Let's get them.
No. You're kaput, fini, defunct.
We're very much not defunct, Joker.
Neither is Batgirl.
This is some sort of purr-fidious trick.
I'll bet it's done with mirrors.
The mirrors broken, Catwoman.
The last cat has crossed our path.
From now on, all the luck is with us.
Unhand those two helpless people.
Look, there it is.
'The gunpowder.'
It's all clearly marked.
- Gunpowder? - Put that match out, you fool.
It's going to explode.
- Let's get out. - There's no time.
Stay calm, everybody.
Stay calm, everyone.
[explosion]
Holy return from oblivion!
We're still alive.
Yes, Robin. We're still alive.
In the split-second before
the actual detonation of the gunpowder
I was able to infuse this one room
with anti-blast Bat-powder.
Oh, very clever.
I should say so.
What about the upstairs bedroom?
I just vacuumed it.
The city will make it up to you.
They'll take the cost of your home
out of Catwoman and Joker's prison pay
for making license plates.
That's what you say, Batman.
I say we'll never see the inside of a prison.
We're certainly never gonna see the inside
of the Federal Depository and all that dough.
Maybe later, Joker.
But for now..
I want benefit of council.
That's certainly your privilege, Catwoman.
Can I make my one phone call?
Just don't try any of your old tricks.
Who are you calling?
Lucky Pierre. The world's greatest and luckiest
criminal attorney.
He's never lost a case.
- Is it a toll call? - No.
Only local.
This dime should take care of the telephone call, Mrs. Keeper.
Thanks, Batman.
You're a perfect gentleman.
Hello, Pier-r-re.
This is Catwoman.
C-A-T-W-O-M-A-N.
Cat ain't a problem..
Batman just caught Joker and me in the middle of a robbery.
Hmm. Difficult but not insurmountable for Lucky Pierre.
Now be still, and don't utter a meow.
I'll see you in court.
If all goes well, knock on wood..
...I'll have you sprung before pussy willow time.
Not good, huh?
Listen, Joker. According to the pre-trial briefs
there is no way any jury in this world would fail to convict you.
Any jury?
Well, almost any jury.
To beat this rap
you'd have to bribe every citizen of Gotham city.
And that takes dough.
Real dough.
Has the jury been chosen yet?
Batman's in the anteroom interviewing them now.
- Batman? - Yeah, Batman.
Because of his familiarity with the case
the DA has allowed him to handle the prosecution.
But I'll get my chance in a few minutes.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury
Uh, gentlemen of the jury.
We are gathered here today to prove..
that Catwoman, Joker and their men
'are guilty of several major offences'
to wit, robbery, attempted murder, assault and battery
mayhem and overtime parking.
I would like to call as my first witness
Little Louie Groovy.
Sure knows how to handle himself in the courtroom, commissioner.
Little Louie Groovy, take the stand.
Would you state your full name, please.
Little Louie Groovy.
Mr. Groovy, on the night of July 22nd of this year
were you not robbed of a very valuable nightshirt?
And was not assault committed upon your personage.
Yeah.
Are the persons who performed these dastardly deeds
present in this courtroom?
Yeah.
For the record
would you point them out, please?
Those cats over there.
The chick with the swingin' outfit
'the creep with the green hair'
'and those four clowns.'
For the record
witness is pointing to the defendants.
He's so authoritative. So confident.
The more you work with Batman, the more amazing he seems.
Cross examination.
No cross examination.
I now call Karnaby Katz to the stand.
No cross examination.
I call as my final witnesses
Mr. and Mrs. Keeper.
And that's your statement, Mr. Keeper.
That's his statement, not mine.
I had just vacuumed the upstairs bedroom
and now there's no bedroom upstairs anymore.
- Please, Mrs. Keeper. - No.
It's not any place.
That's my statement.
Cross examination.
No cross examination.
Thank you.
I can't understand his tactics.
He hasn't cross examined one of my witnesses.
He has something up his sleeve, alright.
They don't call him Lucky Pierre for nothing.
This is ridiculous.
Aren't you gonna offer some sort of defense?
I know what I'm doing, Joker.
- Oh. - You're doing fine, Lucky.
Keep your cool.
Batman's about to sum up.
(Batman) 'Gentlemen of the jury'
you've heard the evidence of 14 separate witnesses
including Robin the Boy Wonder and Batgirl.
'Each one of them corroborating the other story'
'that those defendants are guilty of all the crimes'
'with which they are charged.'
'In the interest of law, order'
justice, good fellowship and the flag
'you must convict them to keep out streets safe'
'from evil persons.'
Thank you.
You were great, Batman.
Sit down, Robin. Thank you.
Yes, you learned your lessons well, Batman.
Begorrah!
Lucky Pierre is standing.
He's gonna let us have it now.
The defense waives summation in this case.
We stand on our plea of not guilty.
And we feel sure that the jury
will bear out the truth in this case.
So be it.
Jury's ordered to the jury room for deliberation.
No need for that, Your Honor.
We have already made up our minds.
That's a good sign.
This should be some sort of legal record
for convictions by a jury.
We find the defendants, Catwoman
'Joker, Giggler, Laughter, Smiley and Gus'
not guilty of any of the charges.
[jury cheering]
[laughing]
Order in the court.
Order, I say!
There's something very cat-fishy about this whole thing, Batman.
- I think it's a fix. - That's the way the law is.
They've received a fair trial and been adjudged not guilty.
Every man is entitled to his day in court.
We must abide by the jury's decision.
Normally, after any case
I never make a statement to the jury.
'However, today I cannot resist.'
Never in my 30 years on the Gotham City bench
have I ever seen a more callous disregard
for the facts in a case.
You are all to be chastised for making a travesty
out of the judicial process.
Judge. The case is over. Quit flapping your yap.
[intense music]
Hey, that's no foreman. That's Marvin the Moose
He used to work with Catwoman.
And that second fellow is Dave the Dummy.
He's also worked with Catwoman.
Your Honor, I move for a new trial.
On which of several grounds?
On the grounds of a prejudicial jury.
You don't know how prejudicial, Batman.
Alright. Now!
[intense music]
[grunting]
[music continues]
[screams]
What now?
You're on your way to prison, Catwoman.
Well, you never learned that you cannot outwit the law.
Maybe, one day I will, Batman.
Purr-haps.
You'll never succeed in circumventing justice, Catwoman.
Not as long as honest and dedicated law enforcers
have a breath left.
Oh, forget the morals. Just get us back to jail
so we don't have to listen to these corny jokes.
But morals are the stuff men are made of.
And until criminals learn that, our job will not be done.
However, If and when they do
we'll be only too ready to hang up our capes and cowls.
[instrumental music]
At least, we met some very interesting characters.
Little Louie Groovy, Karnaby Katz
Mr. and Mrs. Keeper..
- Eh, don't forget Lucky Pierre. - Yes.
If he hadn't gone so wrong
he might have had a fine career in politics.
Won a gubernatorial race, the White House even.
I guess it just wasn't in the books.
Oh, speaking of books
I promised I'd call my daughter at the library.
Bonnie?
While at the library.
Louie the Lilac!
What are you doing here?
What are you doing with that boutonniere?
I remember the time you stunned my friend Princess Primrose
with an invisible knock-out spray.
This is not an invisible knock-out spray, Miss Gordon.
It is essence of Lilacs.
A scent which I intend to corner the perfume market
of Gotham city.
I thought that the police commissioner's daughter
should be my first recipient.
[phone ringing]
Gotham Public Library.
Oh, daddy, Am I glad you called!
You'll never guess who was just in here.
Louie the Lilac!
Back in Gotham city!
And Louie the Lilac is indeed back in Gotham city
and planning much more
than just cornering the perfumemarket.
As you'll see in our next episode.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman