¶ Batman
(male narrator) Morning at Gotham State Prison and in the office
of Warden Crichton an old foe is saying his farewell.
Oh, thank you, Warden Crichton
for all your kind words on my behalf.
You've been on your best behavior
for several months now, Joker.
Mr. Wayne and I felt it should be rewarded.
Yes, as chairman of the parole board
I've given your case a great deal of scrutiny.
I'm convinced that you've mended your former ways.
And so in keeping with our liberal penological practices
we're releasing you considerably ahead of time.
Ah, well, it isn't silk but it's honestly made
by my fellow inmates.
I guess I'll have to get used to civilian clothes.
Well, with this, eh, ten dollar bill
we hope you will seek a new life on the outside.
One replete with good citizenship and fine deeds.
Ten dollars, hmm?
I used to light my cigars with ten dollar bills, heh!
Ooh, how about a cigar to celebrate the occasion.
Don't mind if I do.
Uh, no thank you, I never use tobacco in any form.
[laughs]
[chuckles]
It's very good.
You know, I...sort of expected it to explode.
Explode?
Oh, you must have me confused with somebody else, warden.
I'm a reformed man.
Well, nice seeing you again.
[laughing]
Too-da-loo.
Well, I wonder who is picking him up for the drive
back to Gotham City.
Let's take a look.
[dramatic music]
You want a lift, big boy?
Make it look good, Catwoman, put a gun on me, the way we planned
they're probably watching us.
Get in this car or I'll blow
whatever little brains you have out.
She's kidnapping me!
Honest!
Kidnapped? By Catwoman?
When he's barely out of prison?
I'd better call Commissioner Gordon at once.
I'll take care of that, perhaps you can get
some of your men after them before they're far away.
Good idea.
[telephone ringing]
Stately Wayne Manor.
Alfred, plug me into the Bat-phone and stand by.
Consider it done, sir.
I think I'd better take a rain check on that luncheon date.
Mm-hmm.
[Bat-phone beeping]
Yes, commissioner?
You're calling to tell me that Catwoman kidnapped Joker?
I might've realized you'd be on top of the situation Batman.
Seems I'm always the last to know anything.
We'll be right there.
Oh, you leaving, Mr. Wayne?
In the light of the days happenings
I'm gonna forgo my usual inspection of the prison.
Any luck?
Well, I've setup roadblocks at all the major highway points
leading back to Gotham City.
It's a slim chance but our only hope.
With Joker in the feline clutches of Catwoman
who knows what all of us maybe facing?
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
And at the Sleazy Hotel
a sleazy hotel across the street
from Police Headquarters..
Oh, thanks for my old suit, Catwoman.
I felt out of place in this one.
You looked out of place, Joker.
But now you're back to your handsome self again.
Yes.
What are you doing?
The telescopic lens on this Cat-gun
affords me a fine and magnified view
of Commissioner Gordon's office right across the street.
Oh!
Ooh, so it does, so it does.
And unless my youthful eyes are deceiving me
that looks like the Dynamic Dimwits in that office.
You're going to kill them, I hope, I hope, I hope.
No, Joker. Just going to send Batman
the first of several little tokens of my...affection.
- The first? - Yes.
He's as evilly clever as we.
He'll no doubt figure out where my memento came from.
And will pay a call in this hotel room.
- Oh, we better be gone. - We will.
But I'll leave a second token of my devotion in our place.
[chuckles]
Yes, we have our work cut out for us, alright.
I should say we do.
Anytime two arch criminals get together Gotham City
and perhaps the world is in for enormous difficulty.
But Catwoman kidnapped Joker
maybe the fellow sincerely wants to go straight.
[gunshot]
Mother Machree! We're under attack.
No, hold your fire, Chief O'Hara.
We're not sure which direction that bullet came from.
Innocent people might be hurt.
Yes, sir.
[dramatic music]
It appears to be a message of some sort.
Holy special delivery!
"This one was just a warning, Batman.
The next one will be between your eyelids."
Any signature?
"Signed a well-wisher."
Well, it seems like somebody is interested in your welfare.
You stay put.
We'll Bat-creep to the window.
Did somebody lose a contact lens?
Get down, Barbara!
Must've come from Hotel Sleazy across the street.
Judging from the trajectory and the angle
and figuring the wind at six knots per hour
north by north-east as per this morning's weather report..
X times...six square
[mumbling indistinctly]
Yes! You see..
...it came from that room on that floor.
There doesn't seem to be anyone here.
- You sure this is the room? - Positive.
That's the suit Joker wore when he was released from prison.
No fingerprints.
But judging from the familiar scent of Cat-lily perfume
which is Catwoman's trademark..
...and that suit over there.
I would assume that they were both in this room
not less than three minutes ago.
Find anything?
That scrap of paper and nothing more.
(Robin) 'Batgirl, what are you doing here?'
Just thought I might be able to lend a glove, so to speak.
You constantly amaze me, Batgirl, I can't figure out
how you manage to stay on top of the caper as quickly as we do.
Tea leaves, stars, crystal gazing..
'...all part of a woman crime fighters arsenal, Batman.'
Any clues?
Enough to let us know we're dealing
with both Catwoman and Joker.
How can I help?
Until we find something more tangible, you can't.
Well, then it's hello and goodbye.
At least for now.
That scrap of paper, Batman, it's gone.
Yes, Batgirl, slipped it into her belt
when she thought I wasn't looking.
You think she's trying to double-cross us?
No. But she's a woman, Robin
with a woman's inborn desire to outsmart men.
[sighs]
Tea leaves, crystal gazing, stars..
I wonder what she'll come up with next.
[Joker laughing]
You like it, Joker?
It's me. It's like I never left home.
Oh, you certainly have an eye for decoration.
Now, it's time to meet my cat's-paws.
Front and center henchmen.
[Joker laughing]
This is Giggler.
Oh, it's sure gonna be nice working with you, Joker.
[laughing]
This is Laugher.
[laughs]
I've always wanted to work with you, Joker.
It's a realization of my boyhood dream.
[laughs]
Well, thanks fellows. Keep smiling.
They're good men, Joker.
Purr-fect age to camp for our evil crime spree
don't you think?
Oh, purr-fect, Catwoman.
Oh, and speaking of evil crime sprees..
Shall I catalog it for you, Joker?
Categorically, Catwoman.
Then cast your eyes on this.
- A poem? - Yes.
Handwritten over 200 years ago
during the French and Indian war.
I purr-loined it from the library.
It was written by Garcon Maltese, the famous crook.
And it's a clue to one million pounds of gunpowder he stole
and hid somewhere in the environs of Gotham City.
Oh, now, you're talking.
One million of anything is a lot.
We're going to find that gunpowder
and blow a hole in the Federal Depository building
you can drive a truck through.
Then drive a truck through and loot the place.
Oh, why don't we just heist a bunch of dynamite?
Far too simple, Joker.
And not half as much fun as being devilishly clever.
After all we're not common thieves.
No.
Listen.
"Gunpowder is what you shall find
"should you have a most illogical mind
"in riches you will wallow if you carefully follow
the clues I have herein consigned."
His iambic pentameter's a bit off.
- What he should've said was-- - Now, listen.
"My old nightshirt will do for a start
"in it's hem is a clue that's a chart.
"Then from there find my crib on it's side is a fib.
And my powder is yours if you're smart."
Oh, your voice has a nice lilt, Catwoman.
But just what does all that mean?
I've located the nightshirt and the crib.
Now, our next move is to purr-loin
and if possible
purr-manently purr-rge Batman, Batgirl
and Robin the Boy Wonder.
Do they know about that poem?
If they don't they should..
...shortly.
The missing corner of this parchment
was intentionally left in that fleabag of a hotel room.
Meanwhile back in her guise as Barbara Gordon
the mild-mannered librarian.
The document she wants is missing.
But the Gotham City Library makes microcopies
of everything.
[dramatic music]
- I'll take it, Alfred. - Right, sir.
Yes, commissioner.
Batman, this is Batgirl.
Batgirl, on Commissioner Gordon's red phone?
Just as there are secrets in crime fighting
so should every crime fighter be allowed his
'or her secret.'
Agreed.
But I've come upon something
that'll help you search for Catwoman and the Joker.
Crystal gazing again, Batgirl?
This time I used cards.
Just meet me immediately
at the apartment of Little Louie Groovy
27 Disc Drive.
Little Louie Groovy, the teenage tycoon
who's never missed producing a million seller record?
Gosh, Bruce. I've always wanted to meet him.
We'll be right there.
To the Bat-poles.
[dramatic music]
Shortly, in the groovy pad of Little Louie
the young tycoon of the recording business.
What are you recording tonight?
You never tell me anything anymore.
Ah, a new group I just discovered about 20 minutes ago
called the Gotham Boulevard Off-ramp.
They oughta have the number one record in the country.
'Look, I gotta make my money fast.'
Another couple of years, I'll be in my mid-twenties.
Too old for the music business. Over the hill!
It's no wonder I'm insecure.
Okay, split.
Oh, oh, what a client I got.
[instrumental music]
Ah.
Little Louie, you've just slipped the groove.
Who's that?
Look, if you're here to rob me
I oughta warn you that I'm a karate expert
and I can hurt ya.
So stay back.
Hyah!
Karate isn't effective unless accompanied by yelling.
Let him howl until he sprains a vocal cord.
Then get him.
[yelling]
[all yelling]
[yelling]
I can't yell anymore.
I'm done for.
[laughing]
Alright, boys, now.
[yelling]
[laughing]
Oh, I have to give you credit, Catwoman.
I expected this place to be in shambles because of a fight.
As it may yet be, Joker.
So, Batman, you found us.
As you perhaps planned, Catwoman.
The mere thought of pulling a caper
without your masked meddling
would be most purr-turbing to me.
Found us, you have. And get you, we will.
Get them, boys.
[dramatic music]
My first royalty check.
[music continues]
No, no. That's $4000. Please, don't.
Oh, no, no. Please, please.
[music continues]
You guys ruined my apartment.
It'll cost over $11,000 to replace all the goodies.
Never fear, Mr. Groovy. Full restitution will be made.
Even if it takes Catwoman and Joker
the rest of their natural lives to pay it off.
I can't understand why you went through all that trouble
to steal a nightshirt.
He doesn't know about the gunpowder.
- Give him a catchy story. - Oh.
Well, it was all Catwoman's fault fellas.
If you recall, it was she who kidnapped me.
You Cat-fink!
She told me that Louie Groovy was a hip cat
and it might be fun if we stole the cat's pajamas.
'Well, you know how I am about..'
..about practical jokes.
I couldn't resist it.
You must have flipped your raspberry, Joker.
How could you allow anyone to talk you into this stupidity?
Agreed. You're absolutely and positively right.
Oh, I made a dreadful mistake.
Oh, let bygones be bygones.
I'd like to shake hands with both of you.
Can't we be friends?
I'd rather shake hands with a spitting cobra.
You're being cynical, Robin.
To err is human, to forgive divine.
Perhaps he has repented.
I think the poor fellow should have a fighting chance.
I'll shake your hand, Joker.
Uh, okay, I'll shake your hand too.
[laughing]
Another practical joke, Joker.
Not exactly, Batman.
No, it's my lethal Joker-buzzer.
One by one your five senses will leave you.
'Then your lungs will collapse.'
'And shortly you will be kaput, fini, defunct.'
Oh, sorry we can't stay for the big finish, Batman.
But I'll always treasure the memory of this moment.
[laughing]
Let's go.
Three beats a minute, not too good.
What took you so long, Batgirl?
Rush hour traffic. Plus all the lights were against me.
You wouldn't have wanted me to speed, would you?
Your good driving habits almost cost us our lives.
Rules are rules, Robin.
But you do have a point.
[groaning]
How did you know that Catwoman and Joker would be here?
It's all written in a poem they have in their possession.
The nightshirt they stole and a cradle are clues
to an enormous cache of gunpowder.
Where's the cradle?
In the possession of Karnaby Katz.
Devil May Care men's clothing designer
from Londinium.
Here, drink this.
Water?
Champagne.
Over here.
Oh, oh.
Oh, my head.
We're too late.
What happened, Mr. Katz?
The 17 year locust have descended upon me, governor.
But they didn't touch the safe.
'Or my wife's jewels.'
'Or my collection of comic books'
or anything valuable like that.
All they took, was a little cradle
that I picked up at an antique store.
Why do you suppose they did that?
That is the question.
How long ago did they leave?
Seconds before you walked in.
I thought you might have met them on their way out.
Do you have any idea where the gunpowder might be, Batgirl
or why they might want it?
The poem would lead us to the clues
and without the clues we're lost.
'We can just wait and see what their next move is.'
Where could they have disappeared to so quickly?
Closer that you think.
Just outside waiting to ambush you.
Will Joker and Catwoman make good their perfidious plan
to steal millions?
For the answer to these
and other cataclysmic questions
watch the next episode.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman