¶ Batman
(male narrator) A typically beautiful day in Gotham City.
But the return of a dastardly duo and their deadly dragoons
bodes darkening clouds.
- Let me help you cross, ma'am. - Why, thank you, sonny.
[indistinct chanting]
- Look out, ma'am. - Oh, oh, oh.
I can't believe my eyes, sonny.
That looks like a band of Cossacks.
Yes, ma'am, it does.
Olga! You have to wait for me.
(Egghead) 'Wait for me, Olga.'
I do believe that's Egghead. The notorious arch criminal.
But why is he riding that burrow?
What are those Cossacks doing in Gotham City?
Good questions, indeed.
And the ominous answers are not far away.
At the Gotham City Museum.
[people chanting]
Wait a minute. What's going on here?
Aw, is nothing going on, my little Pirozhki.
Nothing to worry your head about.
Come back here, you!
You can't do this.
[intense music]
Is there!
Silver scimitar of Tara's Bul-Bul.
Never to be pulled out except by rightful heir to throne
of Bessarovian Cossacks.
By me!
Queen Olga, legitimate ruler of Bessarovian Cossacks.
You'll never get away with this. You-you scoundrel!
Shh. This is a museum. Quiet please.
Olga? Olga, you could at least give me a horse
I can't keep up with you.
I'm egg-xausted.
Only Bessarovian Cossacks are riding horses, darling.
All others are having burrows.
Alright, alright, as long as you remember our bargain.
I am remembering, darling.
Silver scimitar for me. Golden egg for you.
[chuckling]
Imperial queen is ready!
[dramatic music]
[grunting]
God!
[Olga grunting]
Is done!
I, Olga, am possessor of silver scimitar of Taraj Bul-Bul.
And I, Egghead, am possessor of the solid gold egg.
[grunting]
Let's get out fast before the Gotham City cops arrive.
Oh, do not worry about cops, darling.
My Cossacks are making cops burgers from them
if they buttinksi.
[grunting] Fine, fine, but let's get out of here anyway.
- Ha! - Ah!
[Egghead grunting]
The Egg of Ogg and the Bul-Bul scimitar?
We'll get on it at once.
The Bul-Bul scimitar? The Egg of Ogg?
That's right, Chief O'Hara.
A frightening theft from Gotham City Museum.
What makes it more frightening is who perpetrated it.
From all descriptions, apparently Olga
Egghead and that band of Bessarovian Cossacks.
Begorrah! I thought Egghead was behind bars.
And the Bessarovians had been sent back to Bessarovia.
Bessarovia didn't want the Bessarovians.
And Egghead's out on a legal technicality.
There's only one person who can help us.
Batman!
Oh! But I can hardly bring myself to call him again.
- Want me to call him? - No, no, wait, wait.
Give me a moment to summon my strength and courage.
For if ever strength and courage
were needed in Gotham City, Chief O'Hara..
...it's needed now.
[dramatic music]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
Gosh, Bruce. That Genghis Khan was quiet a guy.
In the 13th century, he and his Mongol army
almost conquered Europe.
Yes, Dick, the Mongols are fierce warriors.
Even today, you can find pockets of them
scattered throughout Asia.
[Batphone beeping]
- I'll get it, sir. - Thank you.
One moment, commissioner.
Excuse me, sir, but I believe Commissioner Gordon
wishes to speak to you about certain pockets
of criminal activity in Gotham City.
Thank you, Alfred. Yes, commissioner.
[dramatic music]
The Bul-Bul scimitar and the Egg of Ogg?
[sighing]
I see.
'We'll be right down.'
To the Batpoles.
[music continues]
There's no doubt it was Egghead, Olga and the Cossacks?
None.
Galloping through the streets they were too.
My department's had a dozen calls
reporting a band of horsemen on the loose again.
- Holy tartars! - Unholy tartars, Robin.
Stealing scimitars and golden eggs from a museum is one thing
but when the average citizen on the street is in peril
something must be done, and quickly.
Like rounding the interlopers up and shipping 'em out.
Ha-ha! That's just it, nobody wants them.
Still they have no diplomatic immunity
from the laws of this city, this state and this country.
Gosh, no, and Egghead doesn't either.
He's a very stupid man, compounding all his felonies.
Women like Olga have been the downfall
of far wiser men than Egghead, commissioner.
'No, I think the invasion was just the beginning'
of a new nefarious plan of pilfer and plunder.
Involving, no doubt, more egg targets of some kind.
We'll make a list of every egg target left in Gotham City.
But while the Dynamic Duo are organizing their defense..
¶ Hay hay hay
[speaking in foreign language]
Oh, must they make so much noise, Olga?
I can't hear myself think.
- Is victory celebration. - Ugh.
Cossack without victory dances..
...is like egg without salt.
[chuckling] Well, that hits me where I live.
Well, let them dance.
There'll be bigger victories than this.
And soon egg-squisite victories.
Drats.
You have plans, Eggsky?
Big plans, Olga. Big plans.
Ah, the scimitar of Tara Bul-Bul
the Golden Egg of Ogg
are only the beginning of a series of dastardly plans
that will leave Gotham City begging for mercy!
Mercy! Ha!
My Cossacks are not giving mercy.
No. Of course not.
Mmm, you lovely evil woman.
Not a drop of mercy.
[speaking in foreign language]
You are heartless, hairless man. I'm liking you more and more.
Oh, and I, you, Olga.
I, you.
Our meeting was destiny. After we are married, Olga, we--
Ah! hold courses, Eggski.
I told you before.
No marriage without dowry.
But why do you think I'm planning all of these crimes?
For us, Olga. No, the loot will be your dowry
'and then we can be properly married.'
I must have big dowry.
Dowry fit for queen. Emperatriz
And you will, Olga. You will. Yes!
Yes, the series of crimes that I am planning
will net you the largest dowry in history.
What is next crime?
We are heisting a certain vault full of dehydrated roe.
Row?
- As in boat? - No.
Roe as in fish egg and fish egg as in caviar.
And caviar as in a certain special cold storage vault
of the Gotham City Bank.
Hm, yes.
A shipment of 500 pounds, it was gift from Czar of Samarkand
to the people of Gotham City.
And it's worth $200 an ounce.
You sure you won't have lunch with me?
I only wish I could, darling, but..
...Gotham City is in too much danger right now
for the police commissioner to take time for a leisurely lunch.
- Much as I'd like to. - Danger?
Incredible as it sounds, there was band of Bessarovian Cossacks
'loose in Gotham City.'
You mean, again?
They're back?
That's incredible.
But true. Sad to say.
If the Dynamic Duo weren't helping us, I-I don't know
what I'd do. Ah, this is just between you and me of course.
Now, I don't want it to spread.
Or there might be panic in the streets.
Don't worry, I only wish there was something I could do.
There is something you can do.
You can help. By going straight home and staying out of trouble.
Okay. I'll go straight home.
[instrumental music]
But this is no time to stay out of trouble or off the streets.
Right, Charlie?
However, I will change clothes before I go out again.
Come on, keep me company.
[squawking]
But you mustn't tell anyone what you see in here.
[squawking]
[music continues]
As Barbara Gordon makes her astonishing change
into Batgirl..
...and heads out on her own to prevent panic in the streets
the Caped Crusaders are not idle.
"The Lohong Company, makers of egg-drop soup.
"Cannes Candy Company
manufacturers of chocolate Easter eggs."
Well, that's the last of it, Robin.
We've alerted every company
in Gotham City that's even remotely connected with eggs.
Think Ogg and Egghead might be planning some crime
that's not connected with eggs, Batman.
I doubt it. Like all criminals, Egghead follows a particular
predictable pattern.
But although we know the pattern, we don't know the..
...particular crime.
Also we don't know what part Olga and her Cossacks will play.
Quite true, Robin.
I've been racking my brains trying to..
Wait a minute.
What country is located next to Bessarovia?
- Samarkand I think. - Correct.
And both countries lie quite close to the Black Sea.
What do you know about the Black Sea, Robin?
Well, it's famous for it's sturgeon, it's caviar.
- Caviar! - Right, caviar. Fish eggs.
And the king of Samarkand recently sent
a gift of 500 pounds of dehydrated royal caviar
to Gotham City.
What's Gotham City gonna do with 500 pounds of dehydrated caviar?
No one could decide.
So it's being stored in a specially cooled vault
at the Gotham National Bank.
And it's worth $200 an ounce.
- So? - So?
Let's go.
Now, that we've moved most of our cash to our upstate branch
I feel much better.
With the Egghead in town, no bank is safe.
[Cossacks chanting]
What's that?
Cossacks!
Do not draw revolver, little schmerzki
or I'm having Ossep bash you to beatniks.
Ossep, remove revolver from little schmerzki.
You are headman here?
Yes. And you might as well turn right around
and go back where you came from.
There's no money in that vault.
But we will make look-see anyway, no?
Ha! Go ahead.
We shipped all of our money upstate.
Ha ha!
Perhaps, we are not coming for money.
Ha ha ha.
There's nothing else in there.
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha.
Perhaps, you're forgetting the caviar.
Oh, good heavens, the caviar.
Old Cossack saying
"do not make a-ha before eggs are safe."
[speaking in foreign language]
[instrumental music]
Whoa!
Egghead!
Who did you expect? Batman?
Where are Olga and her Cossacks? Egg-splain.
Oh-ho! You're late.
They've already left.
With my caviar.
Why won't that woman slow down? I'll never catch-up with her.
Shoot him! He's in league with that Cossack gang.
Oh, no. No, don't shoot, please.
At least Batgirl found a one-man panic in the streets.
Oh, protect me, Batgirl.
That monster's going to shoot me.
Not so brave when your henchmen aren't around, are you, Egghead?
Oh, I never claim to be brave, Batgirl.
No, I'm clever and crafty, but I'm a complete coward.
You-you won't let him shoot me?
That depends.
Where are the Cossacks you've been running around with?
Oh, they've gone, Batgirl. They left before I came.
Left for where, Egghead?
I don't know.
No?
Well, they did mention their destination, but you see..
...they speak Bessarovian and I don't speak the language.
Perhaps, there are some other languages you do know, Egghead.
The language spoken by that guard's gun for instance.
Oh, no. Oh, please, you can't ask me to rat on my friends.
Oh, yes, I can. And you better start ratting fast.
Do you expect me, a-a respected arch criminal
to fink on my friends like a, like a common stool pigeon?
Of course.
- Alright, I'll do it. - Let's go.
Oh, but it may take us some time, you see..
...my burrow is kinda slow.
Forget your burrow.
Get on the Batgirl cycle and show me where your hideout is.
On that thing? But I might be egg-stinguished.
[instrumental music]
Alright then, stay here.
But I won't be responsible for any stray bullets
that just might happen your way.
No, wait for me.
Two blocks down and to the left.
[music continues]
Oh, Batman! Thank heaven you're here.
The royal caviar has been stolen
by that mad Bessarovian queen and her henchmen.
I was afraid we might be too late. Where's Egghead?
He arrived just after they left. We were about to shoot..
...I mean arrest him..
...when Batgirl drove up
and convinced him to take her to his hideaway.
Cossacks!
Exactly, Robin.
Batgirl is a match for any gang of ordinary hoodlums.
But for a wild band of Bessarovian Cossacks
even her extraordinary abilities might not be enough.
Let's go, Robin. We have to find that hideout before she does.
They went down that street and to the left and..
Thank you.
[music continues]
Oh! Ha.
Hell, this is it, Batgirl.
We're going in there, Egghead, and no funny business.
Oh, you can trust me, Batgirl.
I'd sooner trust a snake with fangs at both ends.
Mush now.
[music continues]
Here we are, Batgirl.
The hideout is through that door.
Good, then open the door and announce me, Egghead.
And no tricks.
Tricks! Oh, Batgirl.
How could you suspect me of trying to trick you?
I love caviar.
Ha! No tasting.
[speaking in foreign language]
(Egghead) 'Olga. Olga, my dear.'
We have a visitor.
Batgirl.
Ha!
[speaking in foreign language]
Very funny.
What is this joking, Eggsky?
Oh, Olga, my little bride-to-be, she was here not two seconds ago
I brought her here so that we could ambush her.
The ambush is on the other foot now, Egghead.
[dramatic music]
You tricked me!
Chargeskaya!
And now, my little pipkin.
You will do for us, saber dance..
...with frosted swords.
[instrumental music]
That's it! Yeah!
She's good dancer, Eggsky.
Yes, she's dancing to her grave.
Naturally.
[music continues]
(Robin) 'There it is, Batman.'
Yes, Robin, it's fortunate that the turbo engine
on her cycle uses a radioactive sparkplug
so that we were able to trace it here with Batgeiger counter.
We move carefully, Robin.
So that we'll be able to take them by surprise.
[music continues]
Now it's you turn to face the music, Olga.
Very sad, we meet at funeral.
Your funeral, Batman.
I believe you overestimate your undertaking abilities, Egghead.
My Cossacks, hack them to shashliks.
[intense music]
Give 'em one for me, Batman.
Eggsky! Out from there.
But I might be hurt, Olga.
[speaking in foreign language]
You come with me, my little mousenik.
- Drop her. - Yes.
We are drowning her in caviar.
Da, da, da.
- Drowning her in caviar. - Oh, oh.
[indistinct clamoring]
(Batgirl) 'Help, Batman.'
I'm drowning.
I'm also freezing.
Batgirl's being frozen in that caviar.
There she is.
Oh.
Batgirl, I'll untie you.
Thank you, Batman.
They almost turned me into a human hors d'oeuvres.
What a chilling way to die?
Holy cold-creeps! Leave it to crooks like them
to think of a trick like this.
Yes, that's to be expected, Robin.
The concept of decency is alien to the criminal mind.
[Cossacks chanting]
And thanks to me, they've escaped.
Perhaps, crime fighting is better left to men, Batgirl.
Perhaps not.
But this isn't exactly women's work.
But I'm no ordinary woman, Batman.
Agreed.
At least...we recovered the dehydrated royal caviar.
It's lucky I had me surround that building once more, Batman.
Olga and Egghead ran right into the paddy wagon again.
Only this time, they didn't want to.
Forewarned is forearmed, Chief O'Hara.
That's true, Batman, and I'm sure they won't find caviar
on the menu at Gotham State Prison.
Probably not, but they will get a well-balanced diet.
Thanks to Warden Crichton's emphasis on proper nutrition.
(Commissioner Gordon) What is it, Barbara?
I just saw the strangest looking car outside.
It was sort of greenish-gold and had what looked like whiskers
on its front fenders.
A car with whiskers?
Sounds like Catwoman's kitty car to me, Batman.
Catwoman was driving it and if I'm not mistaken
that arch criminal, the Joker was a passenger.
Holy! Here we go again, Batman.
I'm afraid you're right, old chum.
If Catwoman and Joker have joined forces
it sounds like there's trouble right here in Gotham City.
And how right he is?
Trouble in a green fright way.
Trouble in a car with whiskers.
More trouble than the Caped Crusaders
have ever known.
Coming up on our next episode.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman