¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
(male narrator) Noon in Gotham City.
While millions of workers, hurry to their midday meal
at a posh private luncheon the cities ten best dress woman
are being named by the towns top couturiers
Rudi Gernreich.
And finally number ten is Mrs. Blanch.
Who popularized the mini muumuu for evening wear.
[applause]
As an extra added fill up, ladies
I have created a new designation.
For the best-dressed crime fightress in Gotham City.
The first annual Batty is hereby presented to Batgirl.
[applause]
To accept the award for Batgirl
are Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara.
On behalf of Batgirl, Mayor Linseed, Chief O'Hara
the entire Gotham City police force and myself.
'Thank you, Mr. Gernreich.'
This award just goes to prove that there is room for style
even in crime fighting.
- 'Ridiculous.' - 'It's Catwoman.'
I said, ridiculous, nonsense, foolish prattle.
How can Batgirl be the best anything
when Catwoman is around.
No best dressed list is complete without
the addition of the Queen of Criminals.
The Princess of Plunder, yours untruly.
Right, Manx and Angora?
(both) Right.
[laughing]
In any comparison between Batgirl and myself
she runs a poor third.
Just a minute, Catwoman, you can't come here
and disrupt a luncheon like this.
Or my awards.
Ah, but I can, gentlemen.
And I have!
You ladies, with your fancy hairdos
'what do you know about beauty?'
After you suffer the effects of my hair raising bomb
'you will never be able to raise your heads in public again'.
Then we'll see who's the fairest of them all.
No, not our hair. Anything but that.
[hissing]
[explosion]
[Catwoman laughing]
[ladies clamoring]
[Catwoman laughing]
I read your mind, commissioner.
- To the Bat-phone. - Right.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman
In a fashionable midtown men's shop
Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson scan the new styles.
Gosh, Bruce, my first tux shirt for the first school prom.
I don't know how to tie a bow tie.
I wouldn't be concerned about that, Dick.
Alfred and I will give you the benefit of our vast years
of experience. How do you like this one here?
[beeping]
Commissioner Gordon is trying to get to us on the Bat-phone.
- We'd better get home. - No, there's no time for that.
We'll change into our spare Bat-outfits in the limousine
and leg-it to police head quarters.
Leg-it? How about a taxi?
Arriving at Commissioner Gordon's office
in a taxi might be deemed a trifle ostentatious thing.
But that's three miles from here.
A sound mind and a sound body.
Vamoose, amigo.
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
Thank you, citizen.
Bat-run.
[music continues]
Ruined their hair forever.
Catwoman really knows a woman's weak spot.
Her last words were something about her
intended to become the best dressed woman in Gotham City.
A noble ambition, but now the problem is
how do we catch her before she create further havoc.
Just as you'd set a thief to catch a thief.
You might be able to capture Catwoman
by using Batgirl as the bait.
Never. Oh, I'm sorry to be so abrupt, Miss Gordon.
But I wouldn't dream of endangering
that fair ladies head.
No, you'd better leave the crime fighting to the men.
'Commissioner Gordon, Chief O'Hara'
'we'll let you know if we get any clues.'
Let's go, Robin.
And in an abandoned loft in the heart of
Gotham City's Garment Centre.
Catwoman is fashioning her criminal conspiracy.
While her admiring henchmen, Angora and Manx look on.
[instrumental music]
I'm pleased to say everything is going exactly as scheduled.
Batgirl is the perfect mouse for my Cat-trap.
Well, you'll have to catch her first.
Oh, we'll catch her alright.
And as soon as the troublesome trio is eliminated
we can steal the golden fleece.
The golden what?
The golden fleece.
It is the single most valuable piece of clothing in creation.
A million dollars worth of 24 karat gold cloth.
All woven into one gorgeous garment
belonging to Queen Bess of Belgravia.
I managed to purloin this picture of it today.
at the couturier luncheon.
'Ha ha ha. When no one was looking.'
[purring] I glow with the thought of that garment.
How much can we get for it in the open market?
- There's no open market for it. - Then what good is it?
We sell it back to Queen Bess.
It's a national Belgravian treasure.
'Her country will pay anything for it.'
[laughing]
She's due to arrive here today for a series
of private audiences in Gotham City.
If she returns to Belgravia without it
her people will be up in arms.
In other words...we are in the catbird seat.
Manx...take a telegram.
"The annual fashion show also run by Rudi Gernreich
"in the show room of Fashion Nation Magazine.
'"and I'm gonna get away with it, signed Catwoman."'
'That's the message, Batman.'
What an enormous ego she has telling us her plan.
What do we do, Batman?
Let us handle it, commissioner.
And if you should hear from Batgirl, don't
repeat, don't tell her about this turn of events
your daughter Barbara may have been correct
when she said, this might be a trap for Batgirl.
Right. I won't tell Batgirl a thing.
Won't tell Batgirl what, daddy?
Um, well..
I guess, I can tell you, after all you're not Batgirl.
Having learned of Catwoman's plan from Commissioner Gordon
Barbara Gordon dawns her guise as Batgirl.
Best dressed crime fightress in America.
While Batgirl hurries to her faithful appointment
Batman approaches from another direction.
[instrumental music]
In the showroom of Fashion Nation Magazine
Rudi Gernreich again regales the assemblage
with his drawl comments.
(Rudi) 'For the rest of this year at least'
the fashionable woman will be wearing less than ever before.
'There is a continuing trend towards mini dresses'
'mini gloves and even mini shoes.'
Mini ha-ha.
[girls screaming]
[Catwoman laughing]
If you'll all remains calm no one will get hurt.
Just why are you doing this?
These are all one of a kind clothes, Rudi.
I intend to add them to my wardrobe.
Let no one say that Catwoman is not
the best dressed woman in the world.
There are no fashion shows where you're going, Catwoman.
How could a feline villainess like you
also be a fashion model.
'Credit where credit is due, Robin.'
She may be evil but she...is attractive.
You'll know more about that in a couple of years.
Now, are you coming quietly, Catwoman, or must we use force?
Your silver toned oratorio has convinced me, Batman.
I hereby remit myself to your muscular custody.
Don't try to pull the wool over our eye-slits.
Now, would I do a thing like that?
[Catwoman laughing]
[dramatic music]
You cats slip back to the hideout.
There's only one ingredient missing in this stew.
- Batgirl. - Look again, Catwoman.
[music continues]
Batgirl, how'd you find out about this.
I specifically asked Commissioner Gordon
not to involve you.
We can fight our own battles.
Look. Catwoman's going into the models dressing room.
[screaming]
[snarls]
If the dynamic drips react the way I expect them to react
they will no step into this most hallowed
and forbidden no-man's land.
But Batgirl will.
[dramatic music]
What're we going to do?
We can't step into that most hallowed
and forbidden no-man's land without closing our eyes.
And if we close our eyes, we can't see anything.
A sound observation, Robin.
You can't go in there, but I can and with my eyes wide open.
[music continues]
Come out, come out. Wherever you are, Catwoman.
Right here.
[hissing]
She's been in there over a minute. I hope nothing's wrong.
We can't wait any longer, Robin. Cover your eyes.
Now, let's go in.
[instrumental music]
Close the door, Robin, there are other eyes.
Uh, Batgirl, are you in here?
Catwoman kidnapped her, Batman.
Holy Robert Louis Stevenson!
- Which direction did they go? - Out through the side door.
- Thank you. - Oh, no, no, to your left.
[music continues]
Excuse me.
Careful, Robin, I think it's a lady.
Take my cape.
Ooh!
(female #1) 'May I suggest you take your hands away from your eyes'
you're liable to maim yourself. We're fully clothed.
[music continues]
What now, Batman?
She's probably got a big head start on us.
Yes. I'm certain it's all part of her plan to kidnap Batgirl.
But why?
Do you think she'll kill Batgirl?
Or worse, Robin. Or worse.
[dramatic music]
We can't miss, boys.
This is the most catacaustic plan in my catalog of crime.
Looks alright in theory, but how're you gonna keep
Batman and Robin from sticking their masks in it?
Simplicity itself.
Look, here we are on Pussyfoot Road
and here is Belgravian embassy
Where Batman has been invited by Queen Bess.
For a private audience at 3 o'clock.
So, we steal the golden fleece there
at the precise moment the turgid twosome arrive here
to rescue their precious ally Batgirl.
Oh, you mean, they can't be in two places at once.
No, Angora, they can't.
And no hero worth his salt would let a lady expire.
It's foolproof I tell you, purr-fectly foolproof.
And you Catwoman are an even bigger fool
than I thought you were.
We who enforce the law would gladly lay down
our lives for it. Batman won't be here.
He'll be at the Belgravian embassy
thwarting your nefarious scheme.
Angora, gag her!
Crime fighters should be seen and not heard.
There. That's all we'll hear of her nonsense.
Manx, set up the pattern cutter.
[dramatic music]
You'd better pray that Batman is a man-man
more than he is a policeman.
Angora, get her ready for the grand opening.
[dramatic music]
Yes, my dear. You will make a purr-fect pinafore.
The type of garment no one will recognize you in or as.
Ha ha. If you should pardon a final cutting remark.
[dramatic music]
So far all of her crimes seems to've followed
a preordained scheme
Have you figured it out, Robin?
Well, first she attacked those ladies at that luncheon
with a hair raising bomb.
And then she stole all those one of a kind clothes
It would appear she's on an apparel binge of some kind.
No doubt. Now, what could she do for a topper.
Something connected with clothing that might
cap her crimes to date.
Holy priceless collection of encrusted snoods!
- Right, Batman. - Wrong.
There isn't much call for a encrusted snoods
these days, Robin.
Besides Catwoman's mind is more commercial.
Uh, speaking of mind, sir. If I may make so bold.
Uh, be bold, Alfred.
It would appear that your mind is not really
on the subject your pursuing.
Very observant, Alfred.
My mind's on Batgirl.
Wherever she is, whatever dire danger she faces.
And we have an audience with Queen Bess of Belgravia
at exactly 3 o'clock.
Yes, another mental aggravation facing us.
But can't you postpone it, sir?
No, our diplomatic protocol forbids it, Alfred.
She specifically requested meeting us
to discuss the rise in Belgravian misdemeanors.
Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara
are waiting now to accompany us to..
- And to get back to Catwoman. - What is it, Batman?
Queen Bess of Belgravia has a golden fleece
she wears for special occasions.
No doubt she's brought it with her to Gotham City.
It's spun from pure gold and it's worth a fortune, Robin.
But what would Catwoman want with that?
It's too hot to handle for any self-respecting fence.
But if it were to be stolen from Queen Bess.
Belgravia would be up a creek without a fleece.
They might even declare war on our country.
No doubt Queen Bess would mortgage herself
to the hill to get it back.
Nobody wants war.
Gee, Batman, Belgravia's such a small country
we'd beat them in a few hours.
Yes and then we'd have to support them for years.
Come on, Robin, her majesty awaits.
And just perhaps we'll get some clue
as too Batgirl's whereabouts.
It's 20 minutes of three, Batgirl.
The next sound you hear will be an automatic pattern cutter
with teeth of steal.
It will take 20 minutes to do the work cut out for it.
To cut you into a purr-fect pinafore.
[laughing]
[dramatic music]
[purring]
[machine whirring]
And that's why I think Catwoman will be
at the Belgravian embassy, commissioner.
A brilliant deduction, Batman.
I couldn't have done better meself.
It's 20 minutes to three.
Time, to coin a phrase, is a-wasting.
[telephone buzzing]
- Yes, Bonnie. - 'Hello, baby.'
'This is Catwoman purring in your shell like ear.'
Y-y-y-you..
You have some nerve calling me here, Catwoman.
Just doing my duty as a citizen, commissioner.
- Helping to save a life. - To whom are you referring?
None other than Batgirl the distaff crime fighter.
- Batgirl? - May I have that, commissioner?
This is Batman, Catwoman.
Oh.
[giggles]
Speak of the angel.
Just what are you doing?
And to whom are you doing it?
You'd better get to 32 Pussyfoot Road, Batman.
Where a steal pattern cutter is just going to work on Batgirl.
[machine whirring]
Great Scott!
Be here at 3 o'clock on the button
if you don't want to find Batgirl beside herself.
[Catwoman purring]
Holy dilemma!
If we go to rescue Batgirl
Catwoman escapes with the golden fleece!
And if we go after Catwoman, Batgirl dies.
What.. What're you gonna do?
You go to the Belgravian embassy, commissioner
and look for trouble.
Yes, Catwoman may be there.
You go quickly and we'll join you there but be weary.
You must be on time for the audience or you're liable
to incur Queen Bess' renowned and redoubtable, royal wrath.
Heaven forbid. Come on, chief.
[instrumental music]
I had to get rid of them, Robin, so that we could use the phone.
32 pussyfoot road is not far from Wayne Manor.
'Just pray that Alfred is near the Bat-phone.'
[dramatic music]
This is one of your sticky wickets, Alfred.
- Indeed, sir. - Yes.
If she recognizes you as Bruce Wayne's butler
she's liable to analyze the connection
and learn Robin's and my secret true identities.
But we have to take the chance.
Otherwise Batgirl dies.
What do you suggest, sir?
A disguise. Something as alien as possible to your normal self.
But speed is of the essence.
And what of Queen Bess of Belgravia
and the glittering golden fleece?
Is it 3 o'clock yet?
Almost, Your Royal Goodness.
It's two minutes off.
Oh! Well, then we must prepare to meet our guests.
[instrumental music]
- Who are you? - Catwoman.
Is she on my list for today's audience?
No, Your Royal Goodness.
Call my social secretary for an appointment.
Sorry, Queenie, but I'm anti-social.
[machine whirring]
[dramatic music]
Oh! Thank you, whoever you are.
Think nothing of it, sweetheart.
As a matter of fact, it was selfish of me.
- Selfish? - Yes.
I'm the janitor here.
If that machine has sliced you to bits
I'd have had to clean up the mess!
- You look very familiar to me. - Me? Oh, no.
No, I'm the oldest living hippy in this country.
You may have heard about my being the first
boy scout drop out at the turn of the century.
Hmm. Love.
See you around.
[instrumental music]
(Catwoman) How very nice of you to come.
'And tell me where is the much admired'
Batman and his useful companion?
I'm afraid Batman maybe a few minutes late, Your Highness.
Well, it's too bad, because of they had been here
they might be able to save your worthless hides.
I beg your pardon.
Saints preserve us. It's Catwoman.
In the adorable firm.
Now that Batman and Robin are not here to fight
your battle for you, let me see how really brave
'you timorous tidies are.'
'Get them.'
Seem we arrived in an opportune moment, Catwoman.
Gosh, yes, Batman. Holy crucial moment!
Most apt, boy blunderer.
But the presence of you here indicates
that you have forsaken your partner in crime
in order to pursue me.
[instrumental music]
Batgirl.
Not a purr-fect pinafore, Catwoman.
Get them.
[music continues]
[Batgirl laughing]
Crime is a bad habit, Catwoman.
Let's go. Warden Crichton awaits.
[hissing]
[instrumental music]
You know what this is, Batman?
The Royal order of the Belgravian garter.
Five declarations one for each of us.
For finding her majesties golden fleece and returning it to her.
And for finding her majesty.
Locked up in a closet of that throne room she was.
And it's a lucky thing that we discovered her too.
There are enough international crisis running around
without us starting one with Belgravia.
[telephone buzzing]
Yes, Bonnie.
'Thought you should turn on your television set, commissioner.'
'A roving live TV unit has picked up something shocking.'
'Happening right now in Gotham City.'
Thank you, Bonnie.
[instrumental music]
Holy homecoming! Egghead and Olga!
Queen of the Bessarovia Cossacks.
No doubt back to bother, badger and bewilder
Gotham City once more.
Egghead, Olga and her Bessarovian Cossacks are back.
With another assortment of devilish plots.
All happening here in our next episode.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman