¶ Batman
(male narrator) Gotham City on a fresh new day
which maybe fraught with fresh new danger.
Olga, wait for me. Olga. Olga, wait for me.
Olga.
[Cossacks chanting]
Why, Bessarovian Cossacks and Egghead.
But that street leads directly to police headquarters.
Have they gone mad?
Bonnie, where is that sandwich I ordered?
(Bonnie) 'It just arrived, Commissioner Gordon.'
'I'll send the delivery boy in.'
Thank you.
[instrumental music]
Oh, thank you, thank you, here is a...little something for you.
- Thank you, sir. - You are very welcome.
Wait a minute, what's going on?
I ordered a roast beef sandwich, this is a poached egg sandwich
- You don't say. - Yes, I...do say..
- A poached egg sandwich? - At your service, commissioner.
Uh, no, no, no, please.
No publicity, I'm very shy, you know.
You'll find it more difficult to go out than in, Egghead
I've already made arrangements for my egg-xit, commissioner.
Gospodine commissionik.
You are taking short elevator ride with us.
You two will never get away with this.
Oh, really, commissioner, I wish someone would write you
a new line, that one is getting so tired.
Shall we?
[grunting]
There..
Up we go, me hearties.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
Kidnapped!
The commissioner's been kidnapped?
Batgirl!
Thank heavens you're here.
Uh, but why are you here?
Shall we say a hunch, Chief O'Hara?
Some sixth sense that things aren't right in Gotham City.
Not only in Gotham City, but in this office.
Uh, the commissioner's been kidnapped.
Kidnapped! My fa.. Commissioner Gordon kidnapped?
Somehow he, he managed to drop this note.
But it doesn't say much.
I was about to call his daughter, Barbara.
But she'd likely worry herself to death.
Right, Chief O'Hara, don't call until we know the identities
and demands of the kidnappers.
Kidnappers?
Our fine police commissioner's been abducted, Batman.
Out of this very room.
Whoever could have done such a dastardly deed?
Very likely our arch foe that egg-scribble Egghead.
And his conniving consort, Olga
queen of the Bessarovian Cossacks.
Egghead?
Olga, queen of the Cossacks?
Yes, the rumor's already reached our ear that those two
evil doers have joined forces and in this town.
That's why we're here, and it's not surprising that they'd start
in this office and with Commissioner Gordon.
You're not surprised?
What other public personage could demand more respect
or be held for a bigger ransom?
Gosh, yes. Egghead knows he can ask for the moon and get it.
And if he doesn't get it..
...what'll happen to Commissioner Gordon?
First things first, Batgirl.
I know how Egghead operates.
'He finds the telephone irresistible.'
In fact, this one should be ringing momentarily.
Can't you make those wild men of yours quiet down?
Is victory celebration, Eggsky.
I know, but I'm gonna telephone police headquarters
to tell them about our ransom.
Aah, is more important ransom than victory dance.
Yes.
[speaking foreign language]
Stop the music.
[phone ringing]
That must be Egghead's call now
- May I take it, chief? - There's no else here who can.
Commissioner Gordon's office.
Ho, my, my, how your voice has changed, commissioner.
Never mind the bad jokes, I know you have Commissioner Gordon.
Oh, do you now, Batman?
And do you also know what we want in eggs-change
for the dear commissioner's life?
What is the ransom?
Oh, just ten cents, Batman.
One thin dime for every egg eaten in Gotham City.
'It's sort of an egg-cise tax, Batman.'
That's unfeasible, there are hundreds of thousands of eggs
consumed in Gotham City everyday
there's no way to keep track.
Oh, yes, there is, Batman.
The entire Gotham City police force will be mobilized
as egg counters and tax collectors.
They will make it their business to count every egg
that is consumed within the city limits
'and to collect my egg tax on each one.'
Otherwise, we'll mail the commissioner
back to you in a box.
A pine box.
We have no choice, the egg tax will be collected.
See that it is, Batman, and remember
I'll be making spot checks myself.
If every egg isn't counted and paid for
it's goodbye Gordon...clear?
Quite clear.
A 10 cent tax on every egg eaten in Gotham City.
Holy eggshells! In a few days, it would add up to millions.
Couldn't we ask the people
of Gotham City to stop eating eggs?
Oh, wait a minute, Robin, if the egg consumption
in Gotham City were to suddenly decline, Egghead might take
revenge by harming Commissioner Gordon.
Batgirl's right, We'll just have to pay egg tax until we locate
their hideout and rescue Commissioner Gordon.
And I'm afraid the onerous job of collecting..
'...that tax is yours, Chief O'Hara.'
I'll take care of all that, Batman, so you can concentrate
on locating those scoundrels.
I have a plan.
It's a long shot, but it just might work.
I too have a plan, Batman.
I suggest we attack the problem separately.
With two approaches we have a better chance of locating them.
I hope you're right, Batgirl.
[instrumental music]
Hello, chief, the usual?
Right, Gilligan, a large milk and a hot pastrami.
Never mind the pastrami
Chief O'Hara would like half a dozen eggs.
How do you like them, chief?
Why you--
Now, one hand on me and you'll never see
your dear commissioner again, chief.
You win, Egghead.
Now, how did you say you liked your eggs?
- Scrambled. - Hmm.
Bring Chief O'Hara, half a dozen..
No, make it a dozen scrambled eggs.
Hey, chief, you want me to bounce this guy outta here?
No, no, Gilligan, he's a...a friend.
Just bring the eggs.
A dozen scrambled eggs?
I'm feelin' a bit hungry this morning, Gilligan.
Anything you say.
I had to pretend to be cool and objective, when it was
my very own father who'd been kidnapped.
I can understand how difficult it must have been for you.
Is there anything I can do?
Yes, that's why I asked you to come here.
You're the only person in Gotham City who can help me.
I'll gladly give you any assistance I can, Ms. Gordon.
Uh, Batgirl, I should say.
You, uh, you have some plan to locate your father?
Well...it's only a remote possibility, but..
...at least it's better than nothing.
My father uses a very rare brand of aftershave lotion
called Wellington Number Four.
It's imported from Sumatra.
I know the brand.
A former employer of mine used to use it.
If I remember correctly, it's ingredients contain
a small amount of curry root, which gives a very pungent aroma
quite unlike any other aftershave lotion.
Yes, the aroma is unmistakable.
I think I guess your plan.
[sniffing] Mm-mm?
Mm.
But shouldn't we...enlist the aid of others?
Uh, no, now think for a moment, Alfred, how would Batgirl know
such an intimate fact about Commissioner Gordon
unless of course..
I see your point.
But, surely Batman and Robin could--
No. No, not them either.
My effectiveness as a crime fighter depends on keeping
my identity a secret and now more than ever
I need that effectiveness.
You're right.
I'm afraid it's not going to be easy for just the two of us
to traverse the whole of Gotham City trying to locate
the aroma of a particular aftershave lotion.
You're right, Alfred, it's a hopeless task.
So..
I suggest we begin at once.
Oh, thank you, Alfred.
I would like to be of help, Batman, but I've no knowledge
of the whereabouts of Olga and her Cossacks.
She would hardly communicate with the embassy
since the Cossacks have been at war with the legitimate
government of Bessarovia for many centuries.
I'm aware of that, Mr. Ambassador.
We didn't come here for information
but for help of another kind.
By all means, Batman.
Believe me, the government of Bessarovia would like to see
this woman apprehended as much as you would.
Good.
It's my suspicion that Olga and her Cossacks
may show up here anytime.
Here? But why should they..
Huh! Of course.
The brass samovar of Genghis Khan.
Exactly.
The brass samovar of Genghis Khan.
Why is it so important?
It's a symbol of power, Robin.
Like the...the Stone Of Scone to the Scots.
Traditionally, anyone who possesses
the brass samovar of Genghis Khan
is the legitimate ruler of Bessarovia.
What's it doing here then?
My government sent it for safekeeping
since certain opposition parties in my country..
...were planning to steal it.
You think Olga will try to steal it, Batman?
It maybe a part of her overall plan, Robin.
First, the abduction of Commissioner Gordon..
...and the egg tax, now...this samovar..
...a priceless target.
The Cossacks have tried to steal the samovar many times before.
With your help, Mr. Ambassador..
...we may make this theft Olga's last.
Just tell me what you want me to do, Batman.
As night falls, the Bessarovian Embassy
has other visitors.
Ah-ha-ha.
There is prize. Brass samovar of Genghis Khan.
Symbol of Bessarovian power.
At last, it's coming to right possessor.
Quickly, speriod, speriod, my Cossacks.
[Cossacks cheering]
Now.. Now is proof I am imperial queen of Cossacks.
Only queen is entitled to brass samovar.
Push, push, tovarischky. Push, push.
And be careful you don't scratch my beautiful samovar
or I will slice you to shredikis. Push.
Push, push...Cossacks.
Push, tovarischky, push.
The Cossacks and Olga take the samovar
back to their hideout, where it joins other collector's items.
[grunting]
[Commissioner Gordon mumbling]
There's the commissioner, Batman.
I think he's trying to tell us something, Robin.
Welcome, My Little Batushka.
[coughing]
Ah. Ah, put the little malchik in cage with old commissioner.
And drag handsome to throne.
What's this? You've captured the Caped Crusaders.
Olga, you eggs-quisite, diabolical genius.
- But, of course. - Yes.
So how did you do it?
By underhand trick, what else?
Ah-ha.
(Olga) 'My Little Batushka is waiting.'
Interestravit, handsome.
Oh, no troubles, Batushka..
... or we are making shashlik out of little malchik
and old commissioner.
Yes.
Much better, Batushka.
You would like to know perhaps, how you are being tricked?
Ah?
Orloff.
Your Highness.
So you gave us away..
...as a traitor to your country.
Who is traitor?
I am Bessarovian Cossack from little boy.
(Olga) 'Is true.'
Omar is famous, magnificent Bessarovian chef.
Thank you, Highness.
And now, I'm making greatest Bessarovian borscht
of my career.
[laughing sinisterly]
With special ingredients.
No. I object.
Well, you think cooking borscht is too cruel, Eggsky?
Now, don't be ridiculous, Olga,
it's just that I'd like to kill them now.
No, they're too tricky to play around with.
Believe me, I know them, now that we've got them
let's eggs-terminate them.
Who is we? I caught them.
Besides, I may decide not to cook malinki Batushka.
Don't tell me you're falling for this cowled clown.
Maybe...maybe not... we are seeing.
But you are engaged to me, how dare you two-time me
and especially with this Caped Creep?
How dare you tell me what to do?
Me, Olga, queen of Bessarovian Cossacks.
Olga-shmolga, you'd still be washing dishes
'in that rundown Bessarovian restaurant if it wasn't for me.'
Starojno, be careful. Old Cossack proverb..
..."Open mouth is leading quickly to open grave."
And don't give me any of those old Cossack proverbs either.
I say kill him now or I'll--
So much for big mouth.
Now, we can have malinki talk, eh, Batushka?
You, uh, you find me attractive...little, huh?
I'd find you much more attractive if you were
on the right side of the law, Olga.
This kind of life can only lead to trouble.
Is better making love than sermons, Batushka.
Otherwise, you're going into pot with others.
A little...kiss maybe?
A little...kiss...not maybe.
[speaking foreign language]
Maybe I give you little kiss.
Ah, the greatest Bessarovian borscht of my career.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Ah..
This will be beautiful, beautiful.
Very nice.
¶ The Volga Batman the Volga Batman ¶
¶ The Volga Batman
¶ Die die die die die
Well, you are no longer in Bessarovia, Olga.
In this country, the standards are different.
You should abide by our customs, not yours.
On contrary, I am considering this place
malinki piece of Bessarovia.
Here, we are following my customs..
...and my customs are acquiring wedding borscht
made from captured prisoners.
Wedding borscht?
Of course, Batushka.
But I thought you were engaged to marry Egghead.
I am marrying both of you.
Cossack queen is permitted up to six husbands.
Oh, but do not worry, Batushka..
...you will always be number one in my heart.
[speaking foreign language]
[sniffing]
[continues sniffing]
Batgirl, this is Alfred, I've just detected
the unmistakable aroma of Wellington Number Four.
(Batgirl) 'Where are you, Alfred?'
I'm...in front of a warehouse at Number 12, Banister Street.
- 'I'll be right there.' - Good.
It's unmistakable, Alfred, Wellington Number Four
coming from inside this warehouse.
Oh, you can't go in alone, Batgirl.
If nothing else, I'll go in with you
and provide a diversion.
No, Alfred, I will never forgive myself if you got hurt.
Now, you must stay here.
Soon you are both becoming my husbands.
Well, it's worth playing second fiddle
just to see Batman married.
[dramatic music]
- Batgirl! - Batgirl?
Batgirl.
[music continues]
They need help, commissioner.
They can't handle those Cossacks alone.
You are both staying right here in pot.
Here.
Alfred, Bruce Wayne's butler, what are you--
No time to explain now, commissioner.
- There we go. - Thank you, Alfred.
I'm with you, Batman.
Oh, help me, Eggsky, you must do something.
My Cossack are falling like water bottles.
So you admit you need my help, eh, Olga?
Da, da, da, Eggsky, let bygones be bygones.
Alright, come over here, I've been saving
this little surprise for just such an egg-xigency.
[clucking]
There, see, these hens have been fed a strict diet of onions
for the past six months.
Onions? What is all this onions?
You just wait a minute, my dear, you'll see.
[music continues]
Alright, Egghead, your turn has come to--
[sobbing]
Ha, have a good cry, Batman, you need it.
[laughing]
[sobbing]
You'll discover that kidnapping police commissioners is--
[sobbing]
- Are you alright, Batman? - Yes, commissioner.
But I'm afraid they've escaped.
And Egghead used a particular powerful potent form of teargas.
Holy crying towels, Batman, this stuff is terrible.
But, at least you are safe, Commissioner Gordon.
Yes, Batgirl, but is Gotham City safe?
[Cossacks chanting]
I'm afraid, Gotham City won't be safe
until those Cossacks are behind bars.
How right he is.
Gotham City faces disaster with Egghead
Olga and the Cossacks on the loose.
When and how will it end?
Will it end?
Maybe we'll get an inkling in our next episode.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman