¶ Batman
Sunday afternoon in Gotham City
a day of rest for everyone
including crime fighters or so it seems.
I was very glad that you could accompany me
to the accordion recital this afternoon, Barbara.
Oh, there's nothing I like better than hearing
"Lady of Spain" played eight times in succession.
That's beautiful.
Daddy has been wanting us to get better acquainted
for some time now.
Indeed.
Time passes very swiftly, with pleasant company.
Would you like to watch the television news broadcast..
...together?
That's why the shades are drawn, isn't it?
(man on TV) 'And now local front, this news is happening now.'
The anonymous informant, who has correctly predicted
two fire robberies has entered a third.
'and this station now knows, who that informant is.'
For that live story, we switch controls
to mobile unit number seven.
Aah, hello, out there in television land
this is King Tut speaking with yet another prediction
'of a crime to come.'
The police, those sometime guardians
of your life and property, have chosen
to ignore my prior prognostications
and the results were two successful criminal actions.
With that in mind, here is my third prognostication.
Andrew's Hockey Puck Factory on West 20th will be robbed
before I finish my next sentence.
Yes, commissioner.
He's not in, but I can get him in a hurry.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Be right there.
What's that?
Oh, it's my wrist watch alarm.
I'm sorry, Barbara, I forgot that I have a meeting
at the Wayne Foundation later today.
Oh, don't mention it, business before pleasure.
You might drop me at my beauty salon
it's right round the corner.
Thanks, Alfred. Goodbye, Bruce.
- Dick, Bruce here. - Commissioner Gordon called.
Our friend, the Yale professor, was hit by a brick in Levine.
He's become King Tut again
and apparently he's up to some nefarious scheme.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
Where is this scoundrel currently situated?
Well, he set up shop in a tent
in a vacant lot at the corner of 6th and Albert.
I have been informed, he intends predicting
another crime this afternoon.
Let's go, Robin, The longer we tarry, the more dire the peril.
Shortly thereafter, in King Tut's current habitat
the scurrilous scalawag is plying his new found trade
to an interested assemblage.
Oh, mystical, magical prince of darkness..
Ooh-hoo.
...I invoke your name and call upon your spirit.
I beseech you to tell me the time and place
of the next robbery.
(King Tut) 'In the name of everything that's mastic'
'give me your answer, do.'
Ladies and gentlemen..
...here is my next prediction..
Come of it, Tut.
The predictions are nothing but phony, fatuous flim-flam.
Who dares impugn the veracity of Tut.
Nabob of the Nile!
Moon God of Thoth, and, and stuff like that.
By the instep of Ramses, I'll have his head.
This is all part of some dastardly...trick, Tut.
Why don't you come with me..
...and let us have your head examined?
Stand back, you Caped Crumbum, I'm on your side of the law now.
I'll bet you are.
He is, he's on all sides of the law.
What is going to happen, Tut?
In less than one hour
the box-office at the soccer stadium will be robbed.
As a citizen of Gotham City
'I would like to see that crime thwarted.'
This town can be a better, safer place to live.
I just love better, safer places to live.
Whether or not you care to act on this information
is of little consequence, my Dynamic Dumdums.
I have cleared my conscience by reporting to the law.
The rest is up to you.
Let's go, Robin.
You mean you really believe him?
Robin, the constitution provides that a man is innocent
till proven guilty.
And the constitution is the corner stone
of our great nation.
We must abide by it.
Gosh, when you put it that way, Batman
how can I help but agree?
Alright, c/prime fans, that's all for today
come back tomorrow, for some brand new predictions.
Ooh, wasn't I magnificent again!
Shirley, fan me.
Well, I am, tootsie-poo
this feather sure came from a heavy ostrich.
Osiris, I want some fruit, Nubis, peel it.
You still haven't told us what your plans are.
Prime your ears, your fabulous pharaoh has given
all this free information to the police
in order to worm his way into their confidence.
When the propitious moment arises
I'll send them on a wild flamingo chase
whilst I commit the crime of the century.
Toast it.
If you give yourselves up without a struggle
we'll make things easier for you.
And if not, you may be severely pummeled
about the head and shoulders.
Hello, Robin, a nice bracelet for you.
And a little something for you, Batman.
Meanwhile, a seemingly innocent idle bystander
is neither innocent nor idle.
Congratulations, Batman, we heard about the skirmish
and rushed right over.
Your timing as usual is flawless, commissioner.
Only a little more time, vassals
a bit of watchful waiting.
That little blip is the Batmobile.
When it disappears, the Dynamic Ding-bats
would have gone into the Bat-cave
and as soon as that happens
we'll know exactly where that accursed place is
and have a direct line on their true identities.
Ah! It's disappeared. Quickly, coordinates.
- Forty degrees longitude. - Longitude.
- Twelve minutes north. - North.
Forty-three degrees latitude, eight minutes east.
East, carry the thought..
Ha!
Oh, I'll be a son of a Byzantine king.
You know what that is?
The zoo?
The Bat-cave is directly under stately Wayne Manor.
That means that Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same and one!
[phone ringing]
Where's Alfred?
He's probably out shopping. Today's market day and you know
how he likes to take advantage of the specials. Hello.
Ha, hello, Batman, this is your monarch speaking.
King Tut, and he asked for Batman.
Holy heart failure!
I'm afraid you've the wrong number
there's no one here by that name.
Come off of it, you Caped Cockamamie.
Give it to him, tootsie, you got him by the cowl now.
Be a good sport, Batman, admit you've been outwitted.
My name is Bruce Wayne, and you're calling my residence.
- Now will you please-- - Of course, you're Bruce Wayne.
You're also Batman.
And Tut's gonna tell it to the world
at a press conference tomorrow, aren't you, sweetheart?
Yes, indeed, my delta lotus.
Batman will make you look like a fool.
He and I have met, but that's the extent of our relationship.
Balderdash, say I. Stuff and nonsense and phooey.
The only way you'll convince me that Batman and Bruce Wayne
'are not the same person'
is to let me see them both simultaneously.
Or both at the same time, whichever comes first.
In the Bat-cave, the Caped Crusaders discover the cause
of their dire dilemma.
What happened?
Ah-ha.
I'm afraid we've been bugged, Robin.
Of course, he's probably the best Egyptologist in his field
unfortunately, he was hit by a..
Jacquees!
...poor deluded man.
[King Tut snarling]
Ladies and gentlemen of Gotham City
I put it to you
that Bruce Wayne, millionaire playboy
and man about town..
...is none other than the one..
...the only..
...the original...Batman.
I sincerely appreciate the compliment, King Tut.
I'm not so sure whether Batman would.
Why don't you tell him, he's just outside?
It'd be quite a joke on me, Charlie
if Batman really were Bruce Wayne.
(Bruce) 'Perhaps, if I move closer'
'the question might be more easily resolved'
It's a trick. It's a trick.
As you can see, we don't look a bit alike, do we, Batman?
Not a bit, Mr. Wayne, not a bit.
He's not, he's, he's fake, fake!
Tut, why don't you forgo this foolishness
'and submit yourself for observation.'
Once rehabilitated, I'm sure you will become
a valuable member of the community.
He's Batman alright.
Who else in this present day dynasty could be that square?
Goodbye, everybody.
Robin and I must pursue our relentless war against evil.
Goodbye, Batman.
Anyhow, you have to admit it, Charlie..
...the chance of Bruce Wayne being Batman
was a very long shot.
I can't think of two more obviously opposite people.
[crying] It is written..
...he who knows he has lost..
...has had it.
Goodbye, Mr. Wayne.
- Goodbye. - See you.
Thank you, folks.
That masked moralist thinks he has me, does he?
He'll soon learn he can't escape the wrath of the Sun King.
We now swing into phase two of our operations.
Which is?
Purloining the priceless collection of Egyptian scrolls
nestled in the Gotham City Library.
Scrolls?
I thought it was something good, like, uh
crocodile skins or jeweled scorpions..
Button your lips, my little dessert partridge.
I said they were priceless, didn't I?
For hidden somewhere within them is the secret of the whereabouts
of a statue hidden since the age of Imhotep.
So what's with the statue?
The great golden statue of the God Orsakon.
Whoever possesses it, my Aswan damsel
possesses the universe.
That's a lot of land.
Mama told me to pick a nice Egyptian girl.
Wow! You came down that pole like a pro, Alfred.
I'll bet you always want to do that.
Indeed I have, Master Robin, but once is enough.
Next time, I'll use the elevator and leave the Bat-poles to you.
Any problem with the aerostats Batman, Robin.
Holy Gemini, it worked great.
It's the same principle as a dummy, Alfred.
I used my pocket Bat-synchronizer
to operate the lips, throw in
a bit of ventriloquism. No one was the wiser.
And the Batmobile drove itself after being
programmed to stop at red lights and intersections.
Was that ever a weird experience!
Alfred, would you put my twin brother in the Bat-dummy closet?
Very good, sir.
[beeping]
Yes, commissioner.
King Tut has predicted another crime.
The charlatan!
He insists all available police surround Gotham City
penitentiary as a massive escape is in the offing.
Certain forces will attempt to spring Penguin, Riddler
Egghead and The Siren.
Get your men out there, commissioner
we can't afford to take any chances.
But that means the remainder of Gotham City
is wide open for evil duos.
Robin and I will protect the balance of the populous.
Eight million people?
Trust me.
Of course, Batman.
Get all your men up to Gotham City penitentiary at once.
Shouldn't we leave a skeleton force, commissioner?
Batman suggested it.
[Charlie squeaks]
Charlie, did you hear what King Tut said?
Well, it was something very interesting.
If the quote he quoted is the quote I think he quoted
I may just have figured out Tut's entire plot.
[squeaking]
It was a mistake only an Egyptian bibliophile
would have noticed.
Lucky, I'm an Egyptian bibliophile.
Luckily for us, she's an Egyptian bibliophile.
And even luckier she's Batgirl.
The supremely feminine scourge of all that is criminal.
You didn't believe that prediction, did you?
Say it isn't so.
I take whatever Tut says with a ton of salt.
But there was something he said which may be
a key to his ultimate caper.
He said it to Bruce. It had something to do..
...with the code of some sort.
- I was in the Batmobile. - Oh, yes, I remember, sir.
What's it all about, Alfred?
It's the effect that
a man who knows when he's lost, has had it.
Had it?
Of course! It's staring us right in our masks, Robin.
That code is on line 769 of chapter 14, scroll 32
at the 13th section of the works of Ramses the Bald.
One of the many ancient and irreplaceable scrolls
at the Gotham City Library.
How could I've missed that one?
And with Gotham City's police out of the way
he thought he'd have clear sailing.
Let's go, Robin. And let's hope we're not too late.
The Gotham City Library closed five minutes ago.
[intense music]
We can still catch 'em.
Robin, look out.
This librarian has been bound in the ancient Thuggee tradition
She won't live a minute longer in that position, Robin.
And when faced with the prospect of choosing between
the apprehension of a criminal and the saving of a human life
one must always save the life.
Gosh, Batman, you're right again.
- Ahh. - What happened?
That big hogging brute
raced in here and stole our most expensive scrolls.
All the police that usually guard
the library boarded out on another job.
They said, you'll protect us, Batman.
Don't worry, we'll get those scrolls back.
Doesn't Barbara Gordon work in this library?
Today is her first day off in a month.
Batman, you've just got to get those scrolls back.
They are ancient and irreplaceable.
Yes, I know, my dear.
Let's go, Robin.
Frankly, Batman, I'm stumped.
Perhaps, a clue will turn up.
Oh, Tutlings.
We've performed the most marvelous theft.
(Tut) 'The golden statue of Orsakon is almost within our grasp.'
Osiris, Nubis, gather up these scrolls and let's make tracks.
The only track you'll be making
are straight to the penitentiary.
Batgirl!
In the flesh.
You know, it's against my principles to beat up on ladies
but in your case I'll make an exception.
Get her, get-get her.
How did you figure out my plan?
Simple! I recognized a quote
from the works of Ramses the Bald
and realized then it was the scrolls you were after.
I got to the library, and as you escaped, I followed you here.
You know, I can always use a smart girl in my line of work
the ones I've had lately are rather inferior, would you, uh..
I'm afraid not.
Batman and Robin will be here momentarily
I blazed a trail for them.
Consider your criminal career kaput.
[chuckles]
Goodbye, Batgirl.
You're not going anywhere.
No, but you are.
To dreamland, defeated by a mere wisp of a girl.
Now, for the second time, let's make tracks.
The only tracks you'll make are straight to the penitentiary.
Some sort of delayed echo in here.
As a duly deputized officer of the law
it's my duty to advice you of your rights.
You'll have to catch me first.
Get him! Get him, get him.
[intense music]
[grunting]
[Robin grunting]
So it was you who blazed the trail.
I was doing my duty as a citizen.
I like that kind of talk.
Perhaps we could get together some evening
and discuss crime-fighting techniques?
No one knows where you live.
Yes, that does constitute some problem--
Look out! Here they come again.
[intense music]
Batgirl never stays around long enough for us to thank her.
She is probably very modest.
I wonder who she really is.
I wonder who he really is.
I'm afraid it'll be a long siege of analysis
before you realize who you actually are.
I've lived a thousand years. So I live another thousand.
- Hi, Daddy. - Hi.
Hello, Bruce.
Good to see you again, Barbara.
I wonder if we could, uh..
...continue that date we interrupted this weekend.
Hey, you mean, you actually had a date with this socialite lump?
Yes, why?
Because he is so deadly dull.
Deadly dull, that's what it is.
Just deadly dull in Gotham City.
[car revving]
[intense music]
Why did I say, deadly dull?
[phone ringing]
Yes.
What?
You don't say.
You don't say!
- Who was it? - Who was it?
He didn't say. What his name was, that is, but it was the..
...patrolman at the corner of Platt and Green street.
And he just saw that notorious gangster Louie the Lilac
drive by in his Flower-mobile.
Well, that's my cue to leave.
Yeah, ha, ha, ha.
That's what I said!
He's gonna go straight to the Bat-cave
and put on that corny blue outfit.
Uh, actually, I have something more mundane in mind, King Tut.
I've had so much crime in the last two days
I don't care if I ever see it again.
- Goodbye, Barbara. - Bye.
Commissioner Gordon.
Bye, Bruce.
Nice young man, isn't he?
I'm gonna be sick.
Bruce Wayne is nice enough, daddy.
But he's certainly no Batman.
You wanna wager a sphinx or two?
Commissioner, weren't you gonna call somebody?
Was I ?
Oh, Ba-Ba-Batman!
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman