¶ Batman
(male narrator) Every day in Gotham City brings new surprises.
But this day is going to top them all.
Although it begins none too differently
just wait, just wait.
Well, we've managed to clip Catwoman's claws once again.
She won't be troubling Gotham City for a long while.
She sure led us a chase, Batman.
If I never hear another one of those meows, it'll be too soon.
I'm afraid your eardrums aren't gonna get much of a rest
or had you forgotten that Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson
invited Chief O'Hara and Commissioner Gordon
to the opera tonight.
That's right!
Batman, maybe I should stay home tonight. Homework, you know?
I think you should acquire taste for opera, Robin
as one does for poetry and olives.
Besides, Commissioner Gordon is bringing his daughter
Barbara along as my date.
So?
So tonight is Dick Grayson's night for musical appreciation
and the social amenities.
While at the Gotham City Library
where one of the newer librarians
is leaving for her night of culture and social graces.
Goodnight, Drusilla. I'll see you in the morning.
Goodnight, Barbara.
[telephone rings]
Gotham City Public Library.
Oh, Commissioner Gordon, how are you?
I'm fine, thank you.
Yes, she's right here. Just a moment.
Your father, Barbara.
Hi, daddy.
You haven't forgotten about the opera tonight, have you?
How could I? It's "The Marriage of Figaro", my favorite opera.
Besides, I'm looking forward to seeing our host
millionaire Bruce Wayne.
Well, he's gonna get quite a surprise tonight.
He hasn't seen you since you went away to college
four years ago.
And you're twice as pretty now as you were then.
[chuckles] 'Another one of your unbiased opinions, daddy.'
Any good police commissioner
must always remain unbiased, Barbara.
7:00 then, your apartment.
Bruce Wayne is meeting us there to pick you up.
- I'll be ready. - 'Bye.'
Bye.
Later, Barbara Gordon enters the lobby
of her midtown apartment house..
...unaware of imminent danger.
Welcome to the cage, my wild dove!
Quack, quack, quack.
Penguin!
Feisty but scrumptious too.
Trust Penguin to have a surefire recipe for pigeon pie.
Quack, quack, quack.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[doorbell buzzes]
[knocks on door]
Barbara!
That's odd, Chief O'Hara.
Maybe she just stepped out for a minute, commissioner.
But she knew we'd be here at 7:00
That afternoon paper was delivered hours ago.
Why didn't she take it inside?
Uh.. [chuckles]
Our secret.
Looks as if she hasn't even been home from work.
I don't understand it. Where can she be?
You'd be very surprised to find out, commissioner.
For your daughter is only 20 feet away from you.
In the very next apartment.
(Penguin) 'Quack, quack.'
[chuckling]
You'll have to admit this is a stroke of genius, my love.
Hiding you out in this vacant apartment
right next to your very own.
It's the last place in Gotham City
anybody would think of looking for you.
Regarding..
What's going on there?
Gordon and O'Hara just went into the apartment, Pengy.
And here comes Bruce Wayne and that witless ward of his.
I think it's time for my surprise telephone call.
Hello, commissioner. Chief O'Hara.
- Where's Barbara? - She's not here.
Not here?
And I'm worried, it's not like her at all.
[phone ringing]
That's probably her calling you right now, commissioner.
I hope you're right, Chief O'Hara.
- Hello. - Hello, commissioner.
Listen to me, Commissioner Gordon?
Guess who this is? Quack, quack, quack!
Penguin? It's Penguin.
(Penguin on phone) 'Yes, I just called to say hello, commissioner.'
By the way, you didn't happen
to be missing anything lately, did you?
Missing?
Missing.. Barbara.
You've got Barbara, you feathered fiend.
Hush-hush!
Is that any way you speak to your daughter's guardian?
Penguin, if-if you harm her..
If you so much as touch one hair on her head..
...I'll..
You'll do what?
- I'll.. - Let me talk to him.
- Penguin, this is Bruce Wayne. - Ah, the millionaire joy-boy.
What can I do for you?
Penguin, I'll pay whatever price you ask
as long as you do not harm Barbara Gordon.
Harm her? F-oh!
I'm gonna make her the happiest girl in Gotham City.
And you might take a look
at this evening's Gotham City Times.
- The Gotham City Times? - 'That's right.'
The society section. Quack, quack, quack!
What was that about the Gotham City Times?
He said something about the society page.
Let's see if I can find it.
- Oh, no. - What is it, Bruce?
What does it say?
"The Penguin, well known entrepreneur and man about town
"announced today, his forthcoming marriage
"to Miss Barbara Gordon, daughter of police commissio--
Marriage?
What's going on? What does it mean, Bruce?
Why, Barbara would never consent to marry that scoundrel.
Of course not, commissioner. That's why he kidnapped her.
He'll threaten her and he'll force her to consent.
But why?
By marrying your daughter, Penguin becomes a son-in-law
of the police commissioner.
Exactly, Dick.
He hopes to gain immunity from prosecution
by becoming a member of the family, as it were.
And I think he fully intends
to go through with it, commissioner.
The in only one man who can help me.
Batman?
Yes, chief. Batman.
I'm afraid you'll have to go without us, Bruce.
Well, we're in no mood for the opera, commissioner.
If there's anything I can do
you can telephone me at Wayne Manor.
Thank you, Bruce, from the bottom of a father's heart.
Well, my sweet guinea hen.
Soon you and I will be joined in the holy bonds of matrimony.
Really, Penguin, all that waddling around you do
must have scrambled your brains.
Don't be cocky, my little chicken.
If you won't marry me, I'll have to put plan B into operation.
Which is being rehearsed right over there.
Show plan B to my little bride-to-be, boys.
[gunfire]
Penguin, you monster, you wouldn't dare hurt my father.
Oh, yes, I would.
And I will. Now you make up your mind.
Either become my bride or you become an orphan
which is it?
- Put plan B into operation. - No! I'll marry you.
- Just leave my father alone. - That's what I like to hear.
Obedience! That is the first wifely virtue.
Now, couple of you finks, go on out
and put the snatch on a minister. Quick!
- What kinda minister, Pengy? - Any minister, you fink!
I wanna get this thing over with
before the Dynamic Dunderheads put the snatch on me.
Don't worry, boss, we'll get you to the church on time.
That's it!
Now, I'll tell you
that in the adjacent bedroom, there's a lovely wedding gown.
I want you to put it on and wear it
with radiance like any blushing bride.
I am not blushing. I'm furious!
Oh-h!
[intense music]
[beeping]
Yes, commissioner. Mm-hm.
Yes, I suspected as much.
Robin and I knew something was wrong
when we saw the evening paper.
We'll use the Bat-computer to make a list
of all of Penguin's possible hideouts.
We'll telephone as soon as it finishes.
We'll get her back, commissioner.
Where's Alfred, Batman? He can help us with the computations.
Unfortunately, Robin, he's out for the evening.
He's meeting with his minister to discuss a church supper.
I do hope the church supper is a success, Alfred.
We badly need the money for our summer camp.
I'm sure it will be, Reverend Hazlitt.
If it is successful, the congregation will owe you
a great debt of thanks.
The only thanks I need is the knowledge that
some underprivileged youngsters will have a chance to enjoy
a few weeks in the country this summer.
Alright, which one of you is the minister?
Why do you ask?
Because we're taking him with us, pops, so are you it?
- Uh, yes.. - Wait.
'I should be quite alright. I assure.'
Tie that one up. I'll take the preacher back to the hideout.
- Move it, preach. - I beg your pardon?
- 'I said move it!' - Of course.
[beeping] Do you hear something, Robin?
It's Alfred's emergency belt-buckle Bat-call signal.
- He's in trouble! - Holy complications!
First Barbara Gordon is kidnapped.
- Now Alfred is in trouble. - Yes.
It's possible that the two events are related.
- But how, Batman? - I don't know...yet.
The first thing to do is to locate Alfred.
- Man the Bat-radar scope. - Roger!
- Bat-radar scope on. - Check.
I'll feed Alfred's signal into the Bat-radar scope.
[beeping]
Got it! He's at location B7642.
B7642.
Holy complications indeed, Robin.
This is one of Penguin's possible hideouts.
To the Batmobile!
[instrumental music]
A number one hitch and no slip up.
Now, the ravishing bride is in there.
Come on. Coach her on her lines.
If I don't hear a nice "I do"
you'll be visiting heaven instead of talking about it.
Miss.
Reverend. There's no time to explain.
I must trust in your discretion as a man of the cloth.
You mustn't reveal my secret.
But I don't know your secret. I don't even know who you are.
[dramatic music]
[Charlie squawking]
Not now, Charlie. I'm in a hurry.
What in the world is this?
Revolving walls?
Hidden rooms? Disguises?
What is Barbara Gordon's secret?
You are about to witness the coup of the century.
The world's leading arch criminal becomes the son-in-law
'of the police commissioner. Ha ha ha.'
'I don't know whether to call him daddy or just commish.'
If I were you, Penguin, I'd call help, right now.
When we get through with you, Penguin
you'd be hollering uncle instead of daddy.
Why, you bungling berninskis
'always sticking your nose in my business.'
'Well, this time I'm gonna teach you a lesson.'
As long as you're holding classes, Penguin.
Perhaps you'd include Batgirl too.
- Batgirl? - Batgirl?
Bats! I'm surrounded by bats.
But never mind! I'll teach you a lesson right now.
Go on, get 'em. Go on.
[indistinct shouting]
[dramatic music]
[indistinct shouting]
Quack, quack, quack!
I don't know who you are, young lady.
But you certainly know how to handle yourself well.
- Holy agility! I'll say.. - Thank you, Dynamic Duo.
I'm sure you could have handled these crooks without my help
but I was glad for the chance to join in the fun.
I can understand your enjoyment.
However, our purpose here is quite serious.
Crime fighting is a serious matter to me too, Batman
but we might as well get a few laughs out of it.
Perhaps some other time.
Criminals like Penguin are dangerous and deadly.
We better see if Barbara Gordon's alright.
- Are you alright in there? - Quite, sir.
- 'Who's that?' - Alfred.
'Millionaire Bruce Wayne's butler, sir.'
We'll have you out as soon as we can Bat-pick this lock, Alfred.
Bat-tools, Robin.
Of course, we could always borrow a hairpin from Batgirl..
(Batman) 'She's gone.'
Shouldn't we go after her? At least find out who she is.
Now now, Robin. Let's get back to work on this lock.
[intense music]
Quack, quack, quack!
Yeah, so much for the masked meddlers, huh.
Quack, quack, quack.
[mumbling]
Ah, we must get to our alternate hideout.
The fuzz will be all over the place tonight. Come here.
Quack, quack, quack.
Hurry up, I want you to bag those dim dynamics there.
And throw 'em out the window into the truck.
We'll take care of them later.
Get out of the way. Quack! Get over here.
We'll get these two in here.
I got another key.
Alright, now bag that preacher
and my perspective bride-to-be, will you?
Bring them over here. Hurry up, you clowns! Hurry up!
Throw 'em out! Come on, you two.
Throw them out!
That's right.
Throw them..
Now over yourselves, over the top.
Oh, yeah, I'm the groom, aren't I?
[music continues]
Boys, take it away!
Now what? Another surprise?
A Batgirl-cycle in a secret freight elevator?
¶ Here comes the bride
¶ All bagged and tied
[tires screeching]
[music continues]
Well, Dynamic Dupes, how does it feel
to be a couple of human teabags?
Steaming us to death will do you no good.
The law will get you in the end.
I'm only going to dunk you a little.
But before I do dunk you
I think I'll let my perspective bride out of the bag
so she can she what'll happen if she doesn't cooperate.
Quack, quack, quack.
Young little cutie pie. Come on.
Oh, it's the preacher. Well, you better watch the dunking too.
In case you get any ideas of making trouble.
- Now, my little bride-- - Oh! Excuse me.
Grab him. Grab him! Grab him.
Well, it's into the pot with you, sir.
Right after you perform my marriage.
[cracking]
Before you throw everyone in the pot, Penguin.
You may find yourself in hot water.
Batgirl! How did you find this place?
I just adore weddings, Penguin.
Well, funerals before weddings, Batgirl.
Get her!
Quack, quack, quack!
[dramatic music]
Alfred's really givin' to him, Batman.
So is Batgirl.
Sorry to be so long, sir.
But I had a little bird-trouble on the way.
[Penguin groaning]
[music continues]
Your not a minister at all.
I heard you tell Batman you're Bruce Wayne's butler.
Yes, I'm afraid that's true, Miss Gordon, uh, Batgirl.
You tricked me into revealing my secret by posing as a minister.
But I had no intention of tricking you.
I only took Reverend Hazlitt's place because I wanted to
protect him from being injured by Penguin's thugs.
Oh, well, then I apologize.
That was a very brave thing to do, Alfred.
The fact remains you do know my secret. My dual identity.
And you must swear never to reveal it to anyone.
- Well, really, Batgirl-- - No, Alfred, you must swear.
If you reveal my identity to anyone
I'll be of no further use as a crime fighter.
You wouldn't take advantage of a woman's trust, would you?
Now you must swear as, as a gentleman's gentleman.
Very well. You have my word as a gentleman's gentleman.
That no one will ever learn your secret from me.
Thank you, Alfred.
I must make a quick change.
It's time to bag the bird, huh, Batman?
I think so, Robin.
Birds are outta season! Get away!
There'll be no bird bagging here.
Get away! Get away! Unhand me, you poacher.
[Penguin groaning]
Alfred, where's Barbara Gordon?
I placed her out of sight to avoid danger in the fighting.
Good show, Alfred.
What happened, Batman? Is that horrible man gone?
He's temporarily out of circulation.
Are you alright, Miss Gordon?
Yes, I've just never been proposed
to at umbrella point before.
You're quite safe now, Miss Gordon.
- His umbrellas are closed. - Thanks to you, Batman.
I'm sorry to be so helpless.
Alfred, where's Batgirl?
Oh, she left a few minutes ago, sir.
She said she had other business to attend.
I expect we haven't seen the last of her.
I shouldn't be at all surprised, sir.
Who is this Batgirl?
That's what we'd all like to know.
Whoever she is behind that mask of hers
she helped us out of a dire dilemma.
Oh, yes, think how horrible it would have been
to be married to The Penguin.
[Penguin laughing]
Horrible? To be married to me? F-oh!
You can't imagine such bliss!
You made a fine score in your driving test.
How does it feel to have a license?
It'll be easier on Batman now that Robin can drive.
Let's, uh, let's stick to Dick Grayson for a moment.
How would you like to uh..
...drive this?
This? Me?
Since you got your drivers license on your birthday
I thought you deserved a little something special.
A little something? Gosh, Bruce! This is great!
Oh, this is great, Chief O'Hara.
A very sizeable check from millionaire Bruce Wayne
for our police pension fund.
Ha ha! I must call him at once and thank him.
Uh, Bonnie, Bonnie--
[man laughing]
- What? - 'Riddle me this.'
- Good heavens! The Riddler! - Very good!
Now, when is a jet stream like a daffodil?
A jet stream like a daffodil?
Riddler! Riddler!
He's gone. But what--
Bonnie told me we had trouble with cross lines all morning.
Then I'd better cross Riddler's line with Batman's quick!
The Riddler back to puzzle and perplex the Dynamic Duo?
Be sure to watch the next episode.
Gosh, Bruce. What's that?
It's a Bat-alert buzzer connected to the red phone
in the Bat-cave as in our other cars. Let's go.
Remember this is not the Batmobile.
Don't worry, Bruce.
Highway safety's every citizen's prime responsibility.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman