¶ Batman
(male narrator) When last we saw the Caped Crusaders
they were trapped in Black Widow's giant cobweb
about to be bitten by two deadly black widow spiders.
Are the heroes headed for that great Bat-cave in the sky?
In scant seconds, the answer will be yours
[thee music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
Batman, he's almost on me.
He is a she, Robin.
Only the female of the species is venomous.
And mine is almost upon me also.
I have freed my right hand.
Now, if I can just reach the mini charge in my utility belt.
I've got it.
Brace yourself for a shock of 5000 volts, Robin.
We'll be stunned for a split second
but the cobweb will act as a conductor
and the spiders will be electrocuted.
Hurry, Batman, she's ready to bite me.
Now.
[crackling]
Good going, Batman.
I thought we were dead ducks.
I'm sure Black Widow thinks we're dead bats about now.
What was that exit line of hers?
Something about "My lieutenants and I are going
to tunnel into my vault".
Tunnel, that's how most crooks get into vaults.
But into her own vault?
Then she couldn't have gotten far.
She's left the Black Widow Cycle here.
This must be it.
And two for me.
Two for you, and two for me.
'Two for you'--
I wouldn't grow too attached to all that
if I were you, Black Widow.
For heaven's sake, look who's here.
You didn't count on us, did you?
You sophisticated but evil woman?
As a matter of fact, no.
But how fiendishly clever of you.
And how handsome you are, Bat doll.
Watch out for a trick, Batman.
Don't worry, Robin
she won't catch us off-guard this time.
You needn't try to short circuit our brains, Black Widow
we're still wearing our Anti Short-circuit
Bat-brain electrodes.
Batman, I've lost one of my electrodes.
Bad luck, old chum
but perhaps I can pull off a bluff.
No amount of UHF short-circuiting
can effect the brain of either Robin or me.
Are you definitely wearing your electrode, darlings?
(both) Definitely.
Marvelous!
'Cause I've reversed the polarity
on my Brain-wave Short-circuiter.
Just an added little precaution.
And with the electrodes on..
...you've had it!
[buzzing]
You she devil.
Have you short circuited Batman's brain?
No cause for alarm, Robin
I feel fine, just fine.
You see, Robin, baby
now, be a good little Boy Wonder
and do just as I say.
No! I will not submit to your treachery.
Trap Door, sweetie pie, you're needed.
Wrap up, Robin, my boys.
Ah, very good, kiddies.
You're learning the business.
Now, is there anything I can do for you, Black Widow?
Ah, as a matter of fact, there is.
I have a rather devastating idea, marked muscles.
We'll go back to the tunnel into my main web
and then have a little drink to the latest development.
How does that grab you, doll?
Fine.
Could we take Robin along too?
But of course.
No Robin..
...no Dynamic Duo, n'est-ce pas?
Now, I imagine Robin's getting a bit heavy
but I'm sure Bat doll would like to get rid of him.
Better tie him up.
Well, Bat doll, thought you would like some champagne, uh?
I never touch spirits.
Have you some milk?
Milk?
Oh, oh, yes, yes.
Oh, maybe Trap Door has some.
Trap Door, have you got any milk in there?
Thank you.
Perhaps you'd like to make your own.
Thank you.
So this is milk.
Well, uh, uh, my dear
this may come as a surprise to you
but I have a little problem.
You, Black Widow?
I thought business was good.
Business is appalling.
I've completely run out of banks to rob.
I've robbed through them all.
Now, that's where you may come in handy.
Me? How?
Well, everyone's heard about your Bat-cave
and everyone's heard about your Bat-computer in your Bat-cave.
Oh..
...you want me to get the Bat-computer
to give you a bank to rob?
Precisely.
Do you think you could send for it?
We don't have to send for it.
I have right here in my utility belt
a Remote Control Bat-computer Oscillator
Oh, how convenient. How does it work?
Simple, I just press this button
and it activates the radio frequency Bat-generator
And I just talk through it?
'No, I talk into it.'
It wouldn't recognize your voice.
Now, question.
Is there any bank in Gotham City
which Black Widow has not robbed?
My word.
Wherever he is
Batman must be operating his
Remote Control Bat-computer Oscillator.
[dinging]
Ah, here we are.
"The just opened Heritage First National Bank."
How perfectly lovely.
[laughing]
Again?
It must be adding something.
Wait a minute, it's sending a further message.
What is it, darling?
Here.
"If seen with Black Widow
Batman's life in great danger."
(Black Widow) 'Really it seems if your criminal career is over'
'even before it starts.'
But I am certainly not going to risk your life.
Let's take the gamble.
The Bat-computer has been known to be wrong
when it's elected to go off on its own, right, Robin?
No. But I have a brilliant idea.
Tarantula, go upstairs
get grandpa off his rocker
and bring him down here quickly.
Batman, you wouldn't by any chance happen
to have an extra Bat-suit just lying around, would you?
Oh, yes.
As a matter of fact, we do.
Lovely, lovely.
And now, Tarantula, I want you to bring my makeup kit
and I want you to make grandpa
to look exactly like Batman
and I will make myself up to look exactly like Robin.
Now, look here, darling
I want you to call the manager
of the just opened Heritage First National Bank.
Ah, you may use my Web-phone.
Private.
While Black Widow hatches her plot
at Commissioner Gordon's office..
I don't know what he's doing behind that mask of his
but at least they haven't been any bank robberies
in quite a while.
That's a good sign, isn't it, Chief O'Hara?
A very good sign.
Caped Crusader probably has Black Widow under lock and key
at this very minute.
[phone ringing]
Commissioner Gordon.
This is Irving Irving
at the just opened Heritage First National Bank.
Yes, Mr. Irving.
I just had a call from Batman.
He wants me to take $40,000 in a brown paper bag
to the front of the bank
at exactly 11:43 this morning.
Well, that sounds odd, Mr. Irving.
He says the Batmobile will be parked there.
And he's arranged for Black Widow to meet him
and they'll split the money.
Oh, well, then do it by all means.
Thank you for calling, Mr. Irving.
Alright, commissioner.
Ha!
Apparently, Batman is springing a trap on Black Widow.
That's good.
Are you sure you're gonna be able to drive the Batmobile
from the passenger side?
Perfectly, Tarantula.
What time is it, doll.
Exactly, 11:37.
Got to run, sweet heart.
Keep an eye on the Dynamic Duo
while my Batman and Robin do their stuff.
Ta-ta, darling.
Well, Chief O'Hara
Black Widow's capers should be just about over
and I should be hearing from Batman now.
[phone ringing]
Yes, right on schedule.
Why isn't he calling on the Bat-phone?
Commissioner Gordon.
Ro-Robin did what, Mr. Irving?
Oh.
Thank you for calling, sir.
Yes, we'll get out a bulletin right away.
Glory be, commissioner.
What's wrong?
The just opened Heritage First National Bank
has just been robbed
by Batman and Robin.
Saints, preserve us.
Yes, indeed, saints, preserve us
if the Caped Crusaders have gone crooked.
Which apparently they have.
Mr. Irving could hardly have dreamed that this happened.
Chief O'Hara, I want an APB to all units
for the arrest of Batman.
Hopefully alive, but we'll take him the other way
if we have to.
(man on radio) 'Attention all units.'
'Be on alert for Batman.'
'First name unknown.'
'Caucasian, height, six two'
'wearing purple trunks, purple cape, purple cowl'
'and a black bat insignia on his chest.'
'He has a masked accomplice, whose alias is Robin.'
'Approach with caution.'
'They may be armed.'
[dramatic music]
[siren wailing]
I hate to do it, Caped Crusader but I have to take you in.
You're on the wanted list.
My gun's pointed at you, Caped Crusader.
Don't make me use it.
Think Batman is afraid of you, copper?
Go on and shoot. I dare you.
What's happened to you, Boy Wonder?
Even your voice has turned snarly.
None of your business, flat-foot.
Now, go ahead and shoot
'cause you'll never take us alive.
Batman, I'm giving you three to get out of the car
with your hands up.
One, two..
...three.
[gunshots]
Couldn't have missed at such close range.
I've killed Batman.
Red six or a black seven.
I certainly don't wish to be rude but normally the game
of Solitaire requires only one player.
Oh, come on, Batman, cheat a little
or it ain't no fun.
Why don't you two kibitzers
go outside and wait for Black Widow?
All that loot. Sure.
Yes.
Trap Door.
Come on.
Batman.
Who untied you?
I untied myself.
Hmm, was that wise?
Yes, and I want you to do me a favor.
- What? - Sing a song for me.
Loud.
Oh, alright.
How about some Gilbert and Sullivan?
Fine.
¶ I'm called little buttercup
¶ Dear little buttercup
¶ Though I could never tell why ¶
A little louder.
¶ But still I'm called buttercup ¶
¶ Poor little buttercup
¶ Sweet little buttercup
[buzzing]
Robin, what's happened?
Batman, I want you to come with me later today and rob a bank.
Robin, don't even joke about such a thing.
Have you lost all your sense of judgment?
Holy reverse polarity!
I did it.
I got you out of Black Widow's clutches.
Of course, I knew what I was doing
but with my cerebrum short-circuited
I couldn't stop myself.
You sit down here, Robin.
I'll retie your hands.
And pretend that my brain is still short-circuited.
Sure and it's a dark hour in Gotham City, commissioner.
Yes.
But I was faced with a decision, and I had to make it.
How will we be breaking the news to the people?
We'll tell 'em the truth.
Batman was shot and killed when he and Robin..
Robin.
No doubt he has gone into hiding.
Most likely in the Bat-cave.
Maybe I can talk to him.
Get him to surrender.
So no more of the Dynamic Duo's blood
will be spilled on the streets of our fair city?
I'm sorry, sir. Batman, is not here.
I know that.
We've lost the Caped Crusader.
Lost?
One of our officers was forced
to shoot Batman this afternoon.
'And the Boy Wonder has become one of Gotham City's'
ten most wanted men, boys.
Is he there hiding out?
No, I'm afraid not.
But isn't it possible that a mistake has been made?
No mistake was made. Why?
Well, it's a, it's a long and rather involved story, sir.
You see, earlier today Batman activated
the Bat-computer
via his Remote Control Bat-computer Oscillator.
Remote control?
I took the liberty of getting some information
from the Bat-computer myself.
Batman activated the computer from 411 Larva Drive.
411 Larva Drive.
Larva Drive.
Sounds like a good place for Black Widow's hideout.
Thank you. We'll get on it right away.
Gets some men and some squad cars and let's go.
I'm back, boys.
Well, now, after a brief encounter with the law
and a quick change in the ladies lounge.
Oh, grandpa's back too
on the porch.
Guess what I have in this tiny little bag?
More stolen money?
What else?
Oh, Batman, you are out of this world
and of course I was adorable
as baby Boy Wonder.
Robin's pretty good as a Boy Wonder too.
You bet I am, Batman.
Let's get 'em.
Now what did I do with that silly short-circuiting device?
You mean what did I do with it? You obsessed woman!
[music continues]
[glass shatters]
Yaahh!
[beeping]
[ominous music]
(Batman) 'Black Widow.'
First of all Robin and I will want to return
all the stolen money to banks A through H.
What a perfect idea.
(Batman) 'And secondly..'
(Commissioner Gordon) 'Batman!'
Oh, it's really you.
In cape and cowl, commissioner. Why?
I'll explain later. But thank heavens.
And this is Black Widow.
Oh, so you're the she-devil who's been robbing us
out of house and home.
Oh, you must be Chief O'Hara.
What a delightful surprise.
Why don't you ask her if she'd like to go along
to jail with you, Chief O'Hara?
Oh, don't ask. My heart says no.
But my brain says yes, love.
I feel it's my responsibility to tell you that you have
the constitutional right to consult with your attorney
before answering any questions.
Aah, but I want to answer his questions.
Sweetheart, I cannot tell you how much you remind me
of my dear departed Max.
You'd better come with me, Black Widow.
Thank you.
Goldberg, you take care of the rest of them.
[instrumental music]
I can't wait to see how it turns out, Angel.
If it really looks good.
I'd love to have you come over everyday
and give me a wash and set.
Why don't we have a look?
Ha ha ha! Fantastic!
Absolutely, fantastic!
And only Batman knows for sure.
Batman, there's a question I got to be asking
you and the Boy Wonder.
Yes, chief.
With all the crime that you and Robin should be out fighting..
How do you find time to come here and fix
Black Widow's coiffure?
Those aren't hair dryers Chief O'Hara.
They're Bat-wave brain analyzers
which Robin and I have slightly re-wired.
You mean you're not really fixing their hair?
Right! What we're doing is de-criminalizing them.
It may take months of treatment but we feel it's worth a try.
If we can permanently short circuit the bad streaks in them
we will make honest, useful citizens
out of those spidery crooks.
Chief O'Hara.
Do you realize what time it is?
I'm famished.
Please bring me a menu, doll.
And don't forget the wine lists.
(Batman) 'You heard the lady, chief. Get a menu.'
Yes. Yes, ma'am. A menu and wine list.
I'll see if I can locate them.
Divine, darling.
Absolutely divine.
Next week Cesar Romero returns as The Joker.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman