¶ Batman
(male narrator) When we last saw Robin
the artful Joker had hung him on a gigantic Batmobile.
Along with dozens of giant palette knives
about to slice him to slivers.
With Bruce Wayne securely tied to a nearby chair
in the monstrous mobile room of Joker's studio.
In one moment, we'll find out, whether Robin's saved..
...or shaved!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na na na ¶
¶ Batman
[intense music]
[music continues]
Bruce! You've gotta do something.
These blades, they're getting lower and lower.
We've got one chance, Robin.
If I can get to that governor and stop this..
...creation of Joker's.
You can do it, Bruce.
Stick with it!
[music continues]
Uh!
And I seem to have loosened one of these bonds.
[intense music]
- Good work, Bruce! - 'Robin, work yourself loose.'
Disengage one of those knives and get down here.
[grunts]
[music continues]
Quickly, disconnect the drive belt.
[sighs]
That was close. Not much room for error.
From now on, all the errors are on Joker.
I think, we'll prepare a little surprise for him, Robin.
[laughing]
Soon Robin will be gone forever
and I will be rich forever.
When your priceless art treasures are delivered to me.
Joker, you could at least untie us.
My hands are getting stiff.
Oh, but of course, my dear.
The Joker is nothing, if not magnanimous.
[laughing]
How about me?
My generosity does not extend to overweight matrons, madam.
Joker, that's not very nice.
We artists are not required to be nice, only talented.
Oh, speaking of which, my latest creation
should have completed it's work by now.
[laughing]
Oh! What a beautiful sight. Beautiful!
Oh, what magnificent
beautiful-red-blood Boy Wonder had.
Has, Joker. That's not blood, that's some of your red paint.
My beautiful red blood is still inside me, no thanks to you.
Oh! Get them!
[intense music]
Ah!
Baby Jane, those philistines intended to do me bodily harm.
You've got to stand by me.
After you tied me up, and tried to steal my art collection?
But I couldn't help myself, my dear. I'm an artist.
Oh-ho, I have a desire for the things of beauty.
Beauty is irresistible to me.
Oh, that's why, I'm so attracted to you, my dear.
- Really? - Oh, I swear it.
On a stack of blue boys.
[dramatic music]
Thank you, but I had to let him, knock me around a little bit.
We don't want these crooks to make any connection between
Bruce Wayne and Batman.
Gosh! That's right.
It's a tough way to throw them off.
Fortunately, I'm in good condition.
We still have to round up the leader
of these artistic failures. Come on.
I did it all for art, Baby Jane. All for art.
Can you doubt that I'm a great artist
after seeing my paintings?
Your paintings were impressive, Joker.
Certainly not the work of an ordinary mind.
[shouts]
Ah! Stay away from me!
That juvenile delinquent has no appreciation for fine art.
Baby Jane, you're not going to protect him?
He's just a misguided artist, Robin.
And we're going to re-guide him
straight to the Gotham State Penitentiary.
But the art collections haven't been delivered yet
so, he hasn't stolen anything.
and as for the kidnapping, I for one, refuse to press charges.
And as for them they're all worn out
'from climbing the social ladder.'
While, I alone with my filthy rich daddy's money and prestige
am in a position, to keep them from reaching the top.
Well, I certainly wouldn't press charges, Baby Jane.
(Robin) 'It won't help you, Joker.'
Bruce Wayne will press charges.
He was born on top of the social ladder.
Yes, I am reasonably secure, socially.
However, Baby Jane thinks The Joker is simply misguided
I must defer to her judgment.
You're a sweetie, Brucy.
And now, I have my very own artist to play with.
I am at your command, my dear.
Come on, you big hunk-a-genius you.
Ta-ta, Boy Bungler, and tell your chicken-hearted partner
that if I catch him on the street, I'll run him outta town.
[laughing]
Why didn't you press--
Let's untie the ladies first, Boy Wonder.
Oh, thank you so much, Robin.
Mr. Wayne, thank you.
- Why didn't you press charges? - It's too dangerous.
You and I've been seen together often enough.
Just letting him go again.
He's not only free but he thinks Batman's afraid.
Don't worry, Joker won't be under that delusion for long.
Presently, in the handsome mansion
of Baby Jane's filthy rich father.
Do have more chicken, Joker, you need your strength.
Ah. I could exist on, on two grapes and a thimble of water.
But my muse, my muse is starving.
More chicken for The Joker's muse.
[laughing]
Tell me, Joker. Where do you get your ideas for your paintings?
Ah, inspirations, my dear.
From my muse and from beautiful admirers.
If only I could feel that I'd inspire a great work of art.
Oh, don't worry, my dear. You will, you will.
Ah!
A message from my muse.
What does it say?
Ah! Clear the table!
[instrumental music]
Paints! Bring me paints.
Charles, you heard The Joker.
Ah, never mind, I brought my own.
[laughing]
Ah, yes, thank you.
Woo!
[Joker laughing]
Oh, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!
[laughing]
Oh! Magnificent, magnificent.
[laughing]
(Joker) 'Magnificent!'
I haven't seen anything so beautiful in my life.
[Joker laughing]
(Joker) 'What a magnificent artist, I am.'
Oh, a veritable masterpiece.
Alright, boys, go to work on it.
But, Joker, that's a priceless antique table.
Out with the old, in with the new.
[laughing]
Joker! They're destroying it!
Oh, not destroying, my dear, creating.
Look at it this way, you're not losing a table.
You're gaining a masterpiece.
[laughing]
[sighs]
I see, you removed the stain, Alfred.
Yes, sir. The Bat-naps finally did the trick.
(Alfred) 'I can start returning the signs'
'I removed from the Bat-poles.'
What about removing Joker, Batman?
We must anticipate Joker's next move
and be there waiting for him.
But how can you predict, what a kook like that will do next?
The criminal mind, erratic, as it is
nevertheless has certain characteristic patterns.
For instance, Joker has begun an artistic caper.
I suspect, he'll continue it.
And he can count on Baby Jane Towser's help.
Yes, I'm afraid, he's completely bamboozled that poor girl.
And I'm sure, he'll try to use her.
The question is, how?
Think of it, my dear, you'll be able to tell your grandchildren
that you witnessed the turning point of 20th century art.
These paintings should be hanging in the Louvre.
Or at least in the Gotham City Museum.
But there's no room in the Gotham City Museum.
Yes, and with what? A lot of dusty relics of the past.
Outworn and outmoded.
No, we'll go down there tonight
and replace those old relics with my brand new paintings.
- But we can't do that, Joker. - Why not?
Don't you think my paintings aren't good enough?
After all, they were once your very valuable antique table.
Of course, your paintings are marvelous, but..
'Then, it's all settled.'
I happened to know that your filthy rich daddy
has a special founder's key to the Towser wing of the museum.
Yes, he does, but--
Ah, do you want your genius, me, to find another inspiration?
Oh, no! Joker, I must always be your inspiration.
Then, go get daddy's key.
The Towser wing of the museum is being renovated this week.
Which will make all the easier for us to make our little, uh..
...exchange.
[laughing]
Alfred should be finished shortly, Robin
and we can put our little plan into effect.
[beeping] The Bat-phone.
Yes, commissioner.
The Joker's been too quite, Batman.
I'm worried, a whole day and nothing's happened.
That larcenous phony has something under his hat
besides his head, Batman.
(Batman) 'The chief is right, commissioner.'
Robin and I would like to handle this ourselves.
Especially, since Joker has been spreading ugly rumors about me.
Whatever you think best, Batman.
But no one could believe for a second
that you're afraid of that cackling cutpurse.
Thank you, commissioner.
The chief and I, won't move from this office
until we hear from you.
I hope that won't be too long, commissioner.
And tell, Chief O'Hara that Robin and I
have something in our...pockets besides our hands.
(Gordon) 'Right.'
(Alfred) 'I'm all through, sir.'
Let's have a look, Alfred.
I've done my best.
Fine, Alfred.
And that night in the Towser wing of the Gotham City Museum.
There, now all the world can see, what a genius I am.
And what an inspiration, I am and my table.
Oh, of course, my dear.
Joker. What are you gonna do with all the dusty old relics
that used to hang here?
Ah! That junk.
I'll take it to the city dump and burn it.
Be a good girl and go and get another one of my masterpieces.
[laughing]
Careful, you dolt.
Oh, those paintings are priceless.
- How many are left? - This is the last one, Joker.
Loaded them onto the truck?
All but this one. Where should we take them?
The last place where the Gotham City Police expect us to go.
- Our old studio. - 'Right!'
Get going, boys.
Here's another masterpiece.
Won't the museum directors be surprised?
Oh! Ho-ho, they'll be overjoyed, my dear.
[laughing]
Let me see that. Oh, there's a good place over there.
[instrumental music]
[intense music]
[Joker laughing]
Handle them carefully, boys.
There's 10 million under those blankets.
[mumbling]
Well, I can't understand you, my dear
if you mumble, you're almost as bad as my muse
I could never understand her either.
Ah, well, our styles change, but crime goes on forever.
Is that, why I'm tied up? After all I've done for you?
Been your biggest booster?
Friendship ends when real felony finally takes over.
[chuckles]
Keep an eye on her.
[laughing]
[phone rings]
Commissioner Gordon.
(Joker) 'Working nights, commissioner?'
- Joker? - Joker!
[Joker laughing]
I've decided to give you a present, commissioner
for being so nice to me all these years.
If you're trying to offer me a bribe, Joker.
'Bribe? Oh, don't be ridiculous.'
I intend to present you with the entire renaissance collection
of the Gotham City Museum as a gift.
Renaissance art collection? How did you--
'Ah, never mind how, commissioner.'
I've got it and I'm giving it you.
Now, isn't that nice of me.
Of course there's a slight delivery charge
about 10 million dollars.
Payable within an hour or I burn the entire collection.
When Batman gets his hands on you..
Batman? Huh! That cowardly creep.
He's so scared of me he doesn't dare come outta his Bat-cave.
No. You might as well forget help from Batman.
'And start thinking of my 10 million.'
Good evening, Joker.
Oh! Oh, Batman, you're on the line too.
[laughing] Well..
Oh, hiding out in the commissioner's office, eh?
I hope you don't mind, Joker?
Oh, you better stay inside, Bat-boob.
Because if I catch you outside
I'm going to pin your pointed ears back, you hear?
Of course, Joker.
What's this I hear about stolen paintings?
Oh, I have dozens of them.
And each one, an old master.
You don't say.
Yes! I do say.
[instrumental music]
[gasps]
[mumbling]
You Caped Clodpole.
You switched paintings on me!
These are nothing but kindergarten drawings.
Naturally.
And even a kindergarten mind
could've anticipated your every move.
This caper was even more obvious than most.
You can say that over the phone, Batman
but if I had you here, I'd pound you to a pulp.
Start pounding, Joker.
[screaming]
[dramatic music]
It's music to me ears.
It is, Chief O'Hara. It is indeed.
[grunts]
Beautiful. Beautiful.
[music continues]
[gasps]
Oh, it's horrible, horrible!
[music continues]
Oh, while the dynamic dimwits are flattening my flunkies
I'll make my escape.
But first, a trip to Bruce Wayne's house.
To pick up some quick cash, so I can hide out for a few months
and get even with that rich fink for quitting
my kidnap caper this morning.
[laughing]
[dramatic music]
[grunts]
[music continues]
[groans]
He's gone!
Knowing the Joker's need for cash and dislike for Bruce.
Think he's headed for Wayne Manor?
I'm sure of it, Robin. To the Batmobile.
Where's Bruce Wayne?
- Mr. Wayne is not at home, sir. - Too bad.
I'll get my revenge later. Right now, I'll settle for cash.
Where's the safe?
My duties do not include aiding and abetting thievery.
Oh, no?
I see.
[chuckles]
This way, sir.
Please be calm, madam.
One peep outta you and I'll blow your head off.
- Where's the safe? - Over there.
Oh my, you poor little thing.
Behind the picture, sir.
There's no safe there.
[screams]
Alfred, be careful! The Joker's an arch-criminal.
I know, madam, but a very poor fencer.
You Anglo-fink, I'll smash you to smidgens.
May I point out that smidgens, it's a childish profusion.
It should have no place even in so poor a vocabulary as yours.
[intense music]
Stand back! Stand back I say or I'll..
What's this?
Don't touch that.
Aha! A secret passage!
Alfred, what's happened?
I'm afraid The Joker tripped the Bat-pole switch.
And mistook this for a secret passage, sir.
Then he's down in the Bat-cave.
He didn't quite make the Bat-cave, Master Robin.
Then, where is he?
I believe he should be arriving presently.
The emergency Bat-pole elevator, fast thinking, Alfred.
Thank you, sir.
[Joker screaming]
Someone get me off this crazy dumbwaiter!
I can't breathe!
Joker says he can't breathe, Alfred.
Why don't you give him some breathing space?
With pleasure, sir.
Oh, no! Aah!
(Joker) Help!
It's lucky you didn't get around to washing our other
costumes, Alfred, or else Joker might've found himself
wearin' a Bat-costume.
I think we better see about Baby Jane Towser.
Alfred, it looks like you can handle things here.
I believe everything's well in hand, sir.
And the young lady's in the living room.
Now, now, Ms. Towser, it wasn't your fault.
Anyone could be mislead by The Joker's slick talk.
But I was so gullible, Mrs. Cooper.
Oh, Batman and Robin, thank heaven you're here.
- Is Alfred alright? - Yes, he's fine, Mrs. Cooper.
Batman, I'm so sorry for all the trouble I've caused you.
It was an honest mistake, Baby Jane
no one blames you for it.
I blame myself.
It'll be a long time before anyone catches me
in another art gallery.
It'll be an even longer time for Joker.
By the way, where is Joker?
Right now, Joker's having his ups and downs.
You might say that.
Help!
Alfred, old pal, have pity!
We Anglo-finks have a long memory.
Aah!
We shouldn't take pleasure..
...in another creature's misfortunes
but, uh, occasionally, one maybe forgiven..
...for a slight twinge of satisfaction.
Of course, there's no telling
what the public's going to like, you know?
Personally, I've never understood modern art.
I've always liked, Whistler's Mother.
- To tell the truth, so have I. - Shh.
Someone might hear you and then you'd lose a fortune.
Which would decrease the proceeds to the Wayne Foundation
free nursery school to which Alfred is donating his profits.
It was the least I could do, sir.
Especially, in the view of the nature of the paintings.
Excuse me, I think I see a customer ripe for plucking.
I mean, interested in buying.
I don't understand it at all, it must be very profound.
Notice the large, green, blob.
Hmm, yes. I see what you mean, very profound.
Well, Alfred, it's not everyone who can have his very first
efforts displayed at Parks.
Thank you, sir.
The Joker and his paintings are in prison
and Alfred and his paintings are at Parks.
A rather nice turn of events.
And very fine paintings they are too, Alfred.
You really think so, sir?
Oh, indeed I do.
Why, uh, they're masterpieces.
Then, perhaps you'd like to own one?
Uh, well, yes-yes I would, but I can't afford the price.
Oh, that's no obstacle, sir.
Here. Allow me to present you with this one.
As, uh, as a token of my esteem.
Mother Machree.
Next week, Eli Wallach as the frigid, Mr. Freeze.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na ¶
¶ Batman