¶ Batman
(male narrator) As you may recall
we last left Batman sealed in an Egyptian sarcophagus
five feet under water.
For you, several hours have passed.
For our heroes, not one second.
We just maybe witnessing the final chapter
in Batman's brave life.
Don't move an inch.
The most incredible occurrences have yet to occur incredibly!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[ominous music]
[music continues]
The dye is cast, Tutlings.
Never again will Batman poke his bony beak into my business.
Or anybody else's business, for that matter.
Ah, don't work yourself into a flap, spunky.
He's drowned!
Not even brat to bat resuscitation can help him now.
Now, now, I must get back to the throne room
and see if my adored Cleopatra has changed her mind
in the dungeon.
I still don't see what that dame has that I don't.
Well, whatever it is, she's had it centuries longer than you.
You've seen the last of that fetid calf. Ha ha ha!
[beeping]
Morse Bat-code.
[beeping]
Good heavens,
[instrumental music]
You're in big trouble, King Tut.
Kidnapping..
'...murder.'
Grand theft and malicious mischief.
You're a party pooper, Cleo!
Nyaah!
Now you see, we've had our first spat.
Alright, fellows, gather up yon bird boy
and bring the Tut-truck round to the front entrance.
We go now to the royal oil boiling room.
A perfect place to make our nuptial arrangements.
There aren't gonna be any nuptial arrangements.
- I wanna go home. - Aww.
And so you shall, my little lily
'of the valley of the kings.'
Ingloriously triumphant splendor to the Nile.
When my father hears about this, he'll run you out
of town on an Egyptian rail.
(King Tut) Your father, dear Cleopatra, lies immobile in the grave.
In Rama, great city of the Sahara.
When we get to the royal oil boiling room, be sure to prepare
'some real boiling royal boiling oil to boil the Boy Wonder in.'
'Royally.'
[intense music]
[machine whirring]
[ominous music]
Aah, come on. Face it, Cleo.
Fate has pushed us together and no man can split us asunder.
For the last time..
...I am not Cleopatra.
And you certainly are not King Tut.
Bite your tongue.
She speaks heresy, omnipotent one.
Lord Chancellor, you don't understand women.
Beneath it all, she's aflame with love for me.
Yuck!
Eat your heart out.
Oh, please, I beg of you..
...next to Bruce Wayne, my father is probably
the wealthiest man in Gotham City.
He'll pay you anything if you'll let me go.
She speaks with straight tongue, Sire.
John E. Carson has tons of the stuff.
We could make a good deal.
The market is strong for young heiresses right now.
Silence, Tutlings!
There will be no deal consummated
until after our marriage.
[Middle-Eastern music]
- I'll do anything. - Mmm--
If..
...you'll call my father.
[Batman groaning]
Thank goodness, you're alive, sir.
Just barely, Alfred.
I came as soon as I received your Morse Bat-code message.
It was most propitious that I happened
to be dusting the Bat-cave when you sent it.
I counted on your love for your work.
I don't understand
how you managed to survive with no air
and for such a great length of time, sir.
I put myself in a trance, not unlike the Indian Fakirs.
It required extreme concentration.
I was able to slow my heart and respiratory systems to a crawl.
Let's get you up. You were without air..
...for nearly an hour, sir.
Yes, I know of one Fakir who was buried for three years.
- Indeed, sir. - Yes.
Must have been a remarkable demonstration of self control.
Where's Robin?
King Tut removed him from the premises.
Where, I don't know.
Ah, yes. We must find him. To the Bat-cave.
So, won't you please call my father, Tutle baby?
I promise you, he'll make you a very rich man.
Possessing you is all I want.
A boy couldn't ask for anything more.
'Will you call him, please?'
- Pretty please. Would you? - Alright.
But I insist that he stay away until after the wedding.
- I promise. Oh, yes. Agreed. - Agreed?
Put her there.
[Egyptian music]
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Hello, dad? This is your future son-in-law.
What?
I'm sure you'll be happy to welcome me into your family.
I come from good stock.
My father was a king, grandfather before him.
So am I.
Leaving out your larcenist lineage
'what have you done with and or to my daughter?'
I am safe, daddy.
And she'll remain safe for the paltry sum
of eight million three hundred thousand
four hundred and eighty seven dollars and twelve cents.
Queen's ransom.
Why such an uneven amount?
(King Tut) 'I needed to pay off the mortgage on the pyramids.'
The interest rate over thirty four hundred years
is positively usurious.
(John E. Carson) 'Very well.'
As long as she's in no danger, no sum of money is too great.
But, what about arrangements?
It will take me awhile to get that much cash.
Do I have to deal through an intermediary?
I have an idea.
My company sponsors the daily..
...Jolly Jackson Phone Jockey Radio Show.
When I've collected that much money..
...I'll call in and say
"The sleet in Crete is never very neat."
I think you've got it.
Keep listening to the program.
[intense music]
Operator, get me Commissioner Gordon.
So..
...Tut plans to boil Robin in oil, eh?
I did hear him mention something to that affect, sir.
Through the skylight.
Also something about his Royal Oil Boiling Room.
Mm-hmm, we'll soon see about his monstrous scheme.
And next, where he plans to perpetrate it.
Drawing upon my vast store house of chemical knowledge
I'm here in concocting an alchemist's fluid
which will neutralize the boiling oil.
What exactly does it do, sir?
I'm not quite sure, Alfred.
It's the first time I've ever tried this experiment.
But I think in the end..
...it should produce foam rubber.
- Foam rubber, sir? - Yes.
From a tiny capsule like that?
Size of the package, Alfred, is in no way
any indication of the value of it's contents.
Of course, sir. Very apt.
[Bat-phone beeping]
Yes, commissioner.
First, Batman, will you be talking to Bruce Wayne?
I occasionally run into him, commissioner, why?
I'm worried about my daughter, Barbara.
How is she involved in all this?
(Gordon) 'As Bruce Wayne knows, she's away at college.'
'She'll be graduating shortly and'
I'd hate to think that some of the dire happenings
which have happened to that fine professor of Egyptology
could also happen to my beloved daughter at her school.
I rather doubt that your daughter Barbara
will get conked on the head and turned into
a long dead Egyptian ruler, commissioner.
I-I know it sounds a little far fetched
but she's an only child and of course, my pride and joy.
I-I guess I just need a little re-assurance.
When I see him, I'll ask him to call you.
He knows more about the American Collegiate scene than I do.
I'd be most grateful, Batman.
You said that was first, commissioner.
What's second?
Second? Oh, yes..
Of course, forgive me. I mustn't let my my personnel concerns
conflict with my public problems.
Are you familiar with Jolly Jackson, the phone jockey?
Isn't he the man who takes calls from people
and then insults them?
Exactly!
And here's our predicament.
Our number is Klondike, 5-8-2-5-7.
The name of the program is Open Mouth.
- Hello. - Mr. Jackson, this is Batman.
Sorry about that, I'd have cut you off the air. No names.
But it's important that my message be heard.
You know, you're the eighth person to call today
claiming to be Batman.
Used to be Napoleon, now it's Batman.
But I'm really Batman and I have a message for King Tut.
King Tut? Listen, I'm no Egyptian phone jockey, bub.
Maybe not. But this is a matter of life and death.
Oh, you all say the same thing.
Alright, listen, if you're really Batman
then you're a very brainy guy, right?
- Go on. - 'Tell me who said..'
"Biography should be written by an acute enemy?"
(Batman) 'Arthur James Balfour, born 1848, died 1930.'
Was quoted by S.K. Radcliff in the London news. January 30.
1927.
Friends, we have a very special guest on the line.
A great and good friend of yours truly.
Batman! He has a message for you.
Fire away, Caped Crusader.
This message is for King Tut only.
I request all other citizens of Gotham City
to comply with my wishes and shut their radios off
for the next 30 seconds.
[ominous music]
[indistinct radio transmission]
Curse you, Batman.
May you fall down a flight of stairs and break every tooth
in your head except one and in that, may you have a toothache
for the rest of your life, which won't be very long.
Okay, you can turn your radios up again.
Good.
For those who didn't hear what Batman had to say
it was very interesting.
And for those who didn't turn your radios off..
...naughty, naughty.
Hello, Jolly Jackson on the line. Can I help you?
Yeah. This is King Tut speaking.
Well, here we go again.
- Tell that repulsive rodent-- - 'Hold on a second, Tutsy.'
Sorry to do this, friends, but would you mind
turning your radios off again for a few seconds more?
Go ahead, sweetheart.
Tell that blue bean bag to bring the money
to the royal oil boiling room in the abandoned boiler works
in the old Boylston section of the city tonight.
Alone!
And you can also tell him to..
[indistinct radio transmission]
Oh, oh, such language.
Any result, sir?
Yes, Alfred, just as you recalled and I suspected.
Tut's apparently holding the girl
in the abandoned boiler works.
Holy steam valve.
Sorry, sir. It just slipped out.
It must be because Master Robin's
uppermost in my thoughts at the moment.
And in mine, Alfred.
You mind the store.
Meanwhile, in the Royal Oil Boiling Room
adjacent to the vacant vat factory..
I knew I should have used vegetable oil.
It's not hot enough yet.
Aah!
Only a few more minutes until countdown.
I think there's enough room in the vat for Batman, don't you?
About Batman, sire..
I thought we'd rid ourselves of him once already this evening.
True. But the Caped Conniver seems to have a penchant
for escaping from tight places.
He'll not escape this one.
Before this night is out, I shall revel in the sight
of a big crisp poly-unsaturated bat.
And that goes for his sickening sidekick, too.
The banks were all closed.
The most I could muster was slightly more than six million.
That's not enough. That fiend demanded
eight million, three hundred thousand
four hundred eighty seven dollars and twelve cents.
And not a penny less.
What can In do?
For once, I just don't know.
Do you think he'd accept a check for the difference?
It's worth a try.
Batman.
Please promise, you'll do everything in your power
to bring her home safely.
She's the only daughter I have and I love her very dearly.
You have my word, Mister Carson.
This ransom will break me, but I don't care.
Strange, I was under the impression
that you were a multi multi millionaire.
Everybody thinks so, but all I have in the world
is now in your hands.
I had hoped to arrange a match between Lisa and Bruce Wayne.
The combination of our fortunes would put me back on top
and give me room to manipulate.
A marriage of convenience, eh?
It goes on all the time among the upper classes.
Normally, I wouldn't think of Bruce Wayne
as a husband for Lisa.
Well, he's a nice enough fellow, but he's just not
marriage material for a girl like Lisa.
Actually, you're more her style.
Me?
I'm afraid not, Mister Carson. My heart is already pledged..
...to crime fighting.
Now, no time to tarry.
Lest we forget, lives are at stake.
- Robin.. - Yes.
Is there any hope?
For you, maybe.
But I think my goose is cooked.
[intense music]
Listen, kid. You want out of here, right?
'Course, I do.
I know my father'll send the ransom money
but I'm not so sure King Tut will release me.
Knowing what kind of fink he is..
...I'm positive he'll grab you and the loot.
You're going to help us?
Frankly, Robin, I don't give a darn about you.
I want her out of here.
King Tut maybe fat, lazy and extremely rude
but he's all I have.
And with her here, I don't even have that.
[King Tut laughing]
Seize them!
[dramatic music]
Misericordia.
My queen is disloyal, the hand maiden is a traitor.
And everybody's being mean to me.
[sobbing]
Aah!
Very well.
You have insulted your king.
So, as soon as Batman and Robin have been fricasseed
you'll both join them in yonder pot.
You'll answer to Batman for this.
[mockingly imitating Robin]
You big tattletale.
Boiling in oil..
One of my dear fathers favorite spectator sports.
Only you won't be a spectator, Bat-boy.
According to my master plan
the cowled cornball should be arriving momentarily.
- With the money. - We'll clobber him.
No! No, violence.
I can't stand violence.
But I like torture.
It's good clean fun.
He'll be joining his Caped Crony
in a double bird bath.
[snorting]
Don't you find that funny?
The king has made a yuck. Laugh. Laugh!
[laughing]
[Middle-Eastern music]
Slave girls, ho!
And, ten..
...nine..
...eight..
...seven..
...six..
...five..
...four..
...three..
...two..
...one..
...zero!
[wood breaking]
Ugh!
Into the oil!
[grunting]
[dramatic music]
[grunting]
[dramatic music]
[grunting]
Call the commissioner. Tell him Chief O'Hara and his men
can come right over.
Batman, how can I ever thank you?
Having you back with your father
and Bruce Wayne is thanks enough for me.
But what's gonna happen to me?
Don't worry, Neila. Everything's gonna be alright.
[grunting]
New curriculum includes a trip to the archaeological museum..
Huh!
Oh..
Did I do it again?
You certainly did.
- Did I hurt anybody? - Only yourself, professor.
- Only yourself. - I know.
Oh, I hope the board of regents will understand that
a criminal alter ego is not an easy thing to overcome.
As a crazed criminal, professor, your alter ego
would have been dealt with justly, but firmly.
For surely..
...no man is above the law and no man is below it.
It's been a lovely evening, Bruce.
Yes, I've had a wonderful time, too.
It's too bad our date had to be spread over two nights.
But King Tut had other plans for you.
How is the poor, deluded man?
I understand he's doing quite well.
He's undergoing therapy to cure his ailment.
When he's not functioning as King Tut
he's really...quite normal.
All of us have alter egos we submerge.
True.
So true.
Would you like to come in for a glass of milk and cookies?
I'm afraid it's rather late.
Why, it's ten thirty.
Alright.
Will you call me again?
I wonder if that would be wise.
You're a very beautiful woman and you'd make
some lucky man a marvelous wife.
Unfortunately, I'm not that man.
You see, the Wayne Foundation is my wife.
You're just wasting your time with me.
I don't think it's wasting time, Bruce.
It's been very nice knowing you, Lisa.
Don't I get a goodbye kiss?
A kiss..
Mm-hmm.
Well, if you insist..
I do.
[instrumental music]
Milk and cookies. did you say?
I made the cookies my self.
Men cannot live by crime fighting alone.
Next week, Miss Tallulah Bankhead
locks horns with Batman.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman