¶ Batman
(male narrator) As we last took leave of Batman and Robin
The Green Hornet had been made into a rare stamp
and then thumbtacked to a wall
by the corrupt Colonel Gumm.
With Kato still being blocked and perforated
in Gumm's shameful stamping machine
and the Dynamic Duo to follow
once they're unglued from Gumm's glue-pad.
For you who've breathlessly waited and wondered
some man hours have passed.
For the Caped Crusaders, mere moments
as we shall see in a moment.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
Kato too, made into a man size stamp
and thumbtacked to the wall!
What monster of a man is Colonel Gumm?
And what monstrous mutilation faces our mantled man hunters.
Well, Dynamic Duo, your turn.
I think you'll find us a much stickier proposition, Gumm.
Not with another little invention of mine.
Colonel Gumm's Super-instant Glue Gone.
The invisible dissolving agent contained in this spray can
will penetrate anything and anybody
and will dissolve glue in an instant.
Now, into the Enlarged Perforating
and Coiling Machine with them.
To be stamped with my disapproval.
Robin, the switch.
Now, to remove this panel.
Why the panel?
Because The Green Hornet and Kato
are still alive inside this machine
Still alive?
How could they be? They're thumbtacked to the wall.
Shush!
Ah!
That should give them a chance to use their Hornet-sting.
Quick, into the truck with these cases of stamps.
I'll get Miss Pinkston.
We'll hold her as hostage.
Meet me in the garage.
Gumm and his goons are getting away.
No, Robin, they had it and they know it. They won't get far.
Holy living end!
Looked like the end there for a minute, Boy Wonder.
But there was a small niche between the gum applier
and the perforating needles
And we are both quite flexible.
But there wasn't enough room
to use my Hornet-sting
to blast us out until that panel was loosened.
But how did the machine take your picture?
No doubt an automatic image orthicon of some kind.
Wrong, Green Hornet.
It was a high velocity spectrobiscopic
range reflector mini unit.
Why, are you feeding that pink mutt my alphabet soup?
Well, Apricot was hungry and she's only down to the Ds.
- Come on. - No.
- Yes, and blindfolded too. - Oh!
Ah-h!
But how could you know they were alive in there, Batman?
When this masked meddler was tossed into that machine
he had this gruesome gizmo with him
but you will notice, Robin, it is conspicuously missing
from that giant stamp.
Ergo, the high velocity spectrobiscopic
range reflector mini unit
failed to produce a true fact simile.
Gosh, that's some ergo, Batman.
Yes, Batman, that's very clever but it seems as if in saving us
you've allowed our assailants to escape.
None too smart for a smart crime fighter.
Are we just letting them go, Batman?
As a duly deputized officer of the law
I had no tangible evidence to hold them on
but in giving them their heads, so to speak
perhaps we can provide some tangible evidence shortly.
Come on, Robin.
- What's the matter? - I smell pink.
You're just tired.
No, I mean I really smell pink.
The color pink.
Pinky Pinkston.
She wears Odeur Carnation, an expensive pink perfume.
And she's been..
...in here.
There's no doubt about it.
Probably locked up by her foreman before we arrived.
What's that?
I guess I'm tired
but it looks like a bowl of alphabet soup
Robin, have you noticed? The Js, Qs and Zs are missing.
Holy uncanny photographic mental processes!
Miss Pinkston expected Batman here tonight.
No doubt she contrived to leave a message.
In the soup?
'Gosh, Batman.'
It's sure a good thing you brought
that empty Alphabet-soup Bat-container.
Right, Robin.
The right tool for the right job.
To the Bat-cave.
Gosh, I never knew there were no punctuation marks
in alphabet soup.
[beeping]
Yes, commissioner.
Batman, what a relief!
We were a little afraid there might be some
overdue postage on you.
'You must have found those'
'man sized stamps of The Green Hornet'
and his masked confederate in the stamp factory.
One of our men did on routine duty.
You can tear the stamps up, commissioner
The Green Hornet's still very much alive
and operating in Gotham City.
What's the story, Batman?
It's a long one, commissioner.
I'll explain later.
Right now Robin and I are trying to work out another puzzle.
Well, get back to work by all means.
Forgive the intrusion, sir, but Mr. Reed is upstairs.
He'd like to see you.
Ask Mrs. Cooper to keep him occupied, Alfred.
A few minutes.
She, she's under the hair dryer, sir.
Oh, yes.
I'll be right there, Alfred. Keep trying, old chum.
There's more letters in this alphabet soup
than there are in the alphabet.
- Hello, Britt. - Hi.
I'd known you were in there, I wouldn't have stood on ceremony.
We'll be more comfortable in the living room here anyway.
- Sit down, Britt. - Thanks.
You're up early, aren't you?
Yes, Bruce. I'm worried about Pinky.
'Nobody answered at her apartment or the factory.'
Do you suppose something could've happened
to her last night?
All that talk about The Green Hornet and Batman.
Incidentally, I should've told you this yesterday
I met Batman in Commissioner Gordon's office.
He sends his regards.
Very thoughtful.
What kind of a guy is he, Bruce?
An enigma.
I really don't know him very well, Britt
but if he tangled with Green Hornet last night
The Green Hornet would've gotten the worth of it.
That would be a switch.
Green Hornet usually comes out the winner.
That's because you have no Batman in your city.
Oh, well maybe.
But I'm still worried about Pinky.
Well, Pinky seems to me to be a girl
who can take car of herself.
I wouldn't worry.
How was the convention last night?
Dull.
How was the board meeting at the Wayne Foundation?
Dreary.
If you're going to be in town for a while
maybe we could dig up some excitement?
Yeah, yeah. Like old times.
Before we settled down into our mundane lives.
Like old times.
Hey, we had a few laughs, didn't we?
Before we settled down and became such solid citizens?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's guys like The Green Hornet and Batman
that see all the action, get all the kicks.
Would you trade places with them?
Well, not with Batman.
I wouldn't be caught dead in that crazy cowl of his.
It's impossible, Batman.
I'm getting no place fast with this alphabet mish mash.
We were a little off hand with the Bat-computer yesterday.
I suggest we give it another chance.
I'll just scoop these letters up.
I think that's all of them.
Bat-funnel.
Now, the Bat-computer ingester switches.
You mean you're gonna feed those letters to the Bat-computer?
They're made out of noodles.
Easy to digest.
It did it.
"If anyone can decode this message
"Gumm is taking me to warehouse as hostage.
"Watch stamp exhibition tonight.
Pinky Pinkston."
And not a J, Q or Z in the entire message.
That's very clever of Miss Pinkston.
I'll wager she fed all the Js, Qs and Zs to Apricot
trusting we'd be able to unravel the clue.
Who's Apricot?
Her Pink Maltese.
Some of Bruce Wayne's female friends
sound a little dizzy to me.
But Miss Pinkston wasn't the only clever one.
The Bat-computer even punctuated this.
Yes, it seems to be back on the beam.
Let's see if it can come up with the warehouse
where Miss Pinkston is being held hostage.
Yellow pages.
Don't tell me it's given up again.
There's no dual identity in a warehouse.
I think it's blown a Bat-fuse.
All those noodle letters.
No master, Robin.
The Bat-computer is not to blame.
It's Mrs. Cooper's hair dryer, sir.
It short-circuited and half the electricity
in the entire establishment is off
and the telephones are out too.
I've sent for a telephone repair man
and an electrician
but it may take hours.
And so because of a woman's vanity a battle may be lost.
Lost!
I'm surprised at you, Batman.
Many Battles have been won before electricity
and telephone were ever invented.
Gosh, Robin, you may be right.
Just arrange to have the stamp exhibition
in the constellation room tonight, well publicized.
Then there's bound to be some action
and a Bat-climb up Gotham Towers West will help us
flex our muscles.
Chin up, old chum.
Meanwhile, the scene of battle
shifts to an isolated warehouse
but warfare wages on in a strange and oblique manner.
So, Colonel Gumm is holding me hostage, Apricot.
For what?
Who is even going to know it if he's killed The Green Hornet
his masked companion and Batman and Robin?
Word will get around, Miss Pinkston.
Reprint, this alphabet soup needs more Consonants in it.
Yes, Apricot, word will get around alright
and it won't be composed of letters from alphabet soup.
'You know how it will spelled out?'
Counterfeiter, kidnapper, murderer.
As long as we are spelling things out, Miss Pinkston
Let me spell something out for you.
Bruce Wayne was in the shop
of his stamp dealer yesterday afternoon
making enquiries about that missing stamp of your old man's.
Do you suppose he means the Gotham Gothic, Apricot?
And last night at the factory
The Green Hornet mentioned the same stamp
and the same stamp dealer.
Is he trying to tell me that Bruce Wayne is The Green Hornet?
And I strongly suspect that Britt Reed is Batman.
No, I could never believe that.
Besides, how do you know what Bruce Wayne
was telling his stamp dealer?
- Because I-- - Hold it, boss.
Don't spill any more beans.
You're right, Reprint.
Well, goodbye, Miss Pinkston.
By the time you're found, if you're found
I shall be thousands of miles away
with a fortune that will make your Pink Chips Stamps empire
look like pink peanuts.
[laughing]
Apricot, and this time I am talking to you
get to work on the ropes around my wrists.
Bruce Wayne's The Green Hornet?
And Britt Reed is Batman?
Incredible.
Unthinkable.
Inconceivable. I'll call them both up at once.
Call them over here and face them with it.
Then that's good isn't it, Apricot?
If either Britt or Bruce arrive, then Colonel Gumm was wrong
for after all, Batman and Green Hornet are dead.
(together) Are they?
[laughing]
Oh, no, Miss Pinkston.
No, they're not.
I talked to Batman earlier today.
He said it was a long story and it must be.
And then he asked me to publicize
the International Stamp Exhibition this evening.
He sounded very much alive.
And he said The Green Hornet was too.
Then there's really no use in calling either Britt or Bruce
is there, Apricot?
Why not?
Do you really think, gentlemen
that either Batman or The Green Hornet
would admit to anything
after keeping their dual identities a secret
for so very long?
Begorrah, she's right.
What do we do now, commissioner?
I don't know, Chief O'Hara.
May I make a suggestion, gentlemen?
(together) Of course.
By publicizing the stamp exhibition
Batman, may be intending to smoke The Green Hornet out
as it were.
Well, then let's get over to the Constellation room at once
It'll be interesting to see who arrives
and who wins and who's who.
You seem thoughtful.
We're heading for another clash with the Caped Crusaders
and I don't like it.
Why not?
We've never run away from trouble before.
Yes, but this double identity
poses extra problems this time.
We know they're heroic crime fighters.
They think we're criminals.
We must come out on top, but they mustn't suffer.
Kung Fu is Kung Fu. It's no child's play.
I know but our tricks are gonna have to be tempered with..
...good judgment.
You were right, Robin.
This is a great way to limber up.
Yes, there's nothing quite like a Bat-climb.
The Dynamic Duo.
There are other ways of getting into this building, you know?
But none of them provide the element of surprise
that we need.
What are you doing in Gotham City?
There are some of the paintings from my collection
going on exhibit here tomorrow.
I wonder if some creative artist couldn't capture
the two of you on canvas.
Perhaps the cubistic school.
Oh, never.
- Pop art? - No.
I think canned tomato soup is to eat
not to frame and hang on a wall.
Dali?, Picasso?
Bit of an art buff yourself, aren't you, Batman?
I'm afraid that crime fighting allows me
only the luxury of collecting criminals.
But you should see the great mug-shots we've got.
- Robin-- - Now, don't reprimand him.
Who knows who posed for the Mona Lisa?
Maybe one of the wickedest women in the world.
Ah, but what a smile.
While in the Constellation Room
who's this, dominating the stamp exhibition?
It is a rare honor to have you hear, Senor Barbosa.
All the way from the Argentine.
I suppose your renowned Howling Monkey stamp
has been entered for one of the prizes.
Yes, si, si.
Oh, indeed it has, Senor Stample.
In fact, I expect to walk away with everything tonight.
[laughing]
Ah, well, well, it's time to get on
with the judging and the prizes.
Right this way, Senor Barbosa.
Thank you.
'Now, now. Quiet, please. Quiet, please.'
We have here, ladies and gentlemen
that famous stamp from Egypt
the Inverted Blue Nile.
Wonderful!
There's Gumm.
In that phony disguise.
The Green Hornet just came through the surface door.
And the cape crusaders through a window.
I'm ready.
Let's make our move.
It's The Green Hornet!
[screaming]
And the Caped Crusaders.
It's a good thing those guys are on our side
even though they don't know it.
It's a good thing those guys aren't in town every week.
What do we have here?
A Mexican stand off?
A dead heat?
A photo finish?
Alright, stand back. Come on. Now, make way.
Come on, stand back, stand back.
Ah, if it isn't the fuzz and the pink hostage.
She'll come in handy.
Out that window, boys.
'We'll come up behind them.'
Ah, Ms. Pinkston, permit me to introduce myself.
Ah-h!
Don't move, commissioner. Nor you, chief.
It's Gumm. Robin.
If anyone makes the slightest move
Miss Pinkston will be a dead pink duck.
Alright, boys, out with the loot.
Batman can handle this. Let's go.
Out the window, Robin. We'll come up behind Gumm.
Here's your man, commissioner.
Miss Pinkston's foreman with assorted aliases
and some sorted stooges.
We'll run 'em in, commissioner.
- Alright, sergeant. - Goldberg, take him out.
The Green Hornet, he's gone.
He certainly is. I wonder what he wanted in the first place.
Piece of a counterfeit stamp ring, what else?
Oh, he maybe meant to uncover the entire ring, who knows?
The Green Hornet, a crime fighter?
Holy unlikelihood!
Me? Batman?
A lot of people think so, Britt.
And that Bruce is The Green Hornet.
[laughing]
Yes, sir. Immediately.
Yes, Batman.
Commissioner, do me a favor.
Miss Pinkston in the community room.
Would you call her at once on your regular phone
and then hold the two phones together?
Oh, certainly, Batman.
¶ Di da da du du
Six, nine, two, four, seven.
I wonder what's keeping him.
Call for you, Miss Pinkston.
Thank you.
Hello.
This is Batman.
Batman!
Yes, Miss Pinkston, I want to thank you
for cooperating with me and your police department
and running down your felonious foreman.
And apparently, chasing The Green Hornet out of town.
I did nothing, Batman
but it was sweet of you to call.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye.
Now, does that disprove your ridiculous theory?
I guess it does.
Oh, here comes Bruce now.
Please don't tell him.
He'd think I was an awful fool.
That he would, Pinky.
Sorry, my car keys were in my pocket all the time.
Now, Apricot, you were saying?
Bruce, you nut!
Talking to a dog!
[laughing]
Next week, Victor Buono returns as King Tut.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman