¶ Batman
(male narrator) When last we saw the Dynamic Duo
they were bound hand and foot in an outsized coffee cup
and about to be scalded and scarred by sulfuric acid
in full view of an unwitting throng in Chimes Square.
Hold on to your beanies.
They may not get out of this one.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman, Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman, Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
Goodbye, Batman. It's been nice working with you.
Never say die. We've been in worse scrapes than this before.
Well, not like this.
The acid is about to pour.
Quickly, plaster yourself against the side of the cup.
What're you going to do?
A little trickle of acid will precede the big gush, Robin.
If my timing and positioning are accurate
perhaps those few drops will burn through these ropes.
(Batman) It's about trickle over the lip, Robin.
There's many a slip twixt the cup and the lip, Batman.
- Very good, Robin. - Thank you, Batman.
You did it.
We're not outta the woods yet, old chum.
(Batman) 'I'll have to trip that switch with my batarang.'
[steam hissing]
I don't know how we do it, Batman.
What do you mean?
The way we get into these scrapes and get outta them.
It's almost as though
someone was dreaming up these situations.
Guiding our destiny.
Things like that only happen in the movies, Robin.
- This is real life. - I guess you're right.
- Let's go. - After Catwoman?
No, those poor, misguided students are still restless.
Our first duty is to save them.
To disperse them before they do something
that might blight their lives. Catwoman will have to wait.
Meanwhile, in a building across town
the annual sale of priceless Batagonian cat's eye opals
is about to begin at the Forever Jewel Company.
Now, ladies and gentlemen.
As you know, each of these pouches contain
$650,000 worth of cat's eye opals.
However, because this is the only place in the world
where you can buy them
we'll start the bidding at $750,000.
Um! You're not allowed to look in the pouches.
Now, gentlemen, lady.
What am I...
I'll give you absolutely nothing for the entire lot.
What? Who're you?
I'm a Batagonian cat' eye opal fancier.
And I think your prices are outrageous.
Consequently, I shall take them all from your lily white hands
'for free.'
- You're Catwoman. - In the fur.
Now if you all assume positions of subservience
we can complete this caper with a minimum of jeopardy
'and danger for all.'
On your knees, knaves.
Penn, pack up those baubles in your old kit bag.
- Right, commissioner. - What's up?
Catwoman made off with $12 million worth of
Batagonian cat's eye opals late last night.
Holy bijou!
That's very good, Robin. Bijou.
- French for jewels. - Hmm, thank you, Batman.
She's playing right into our hands.
I planned it all this way.
You mean you wanted her to steal the gems?
Yes, Batagonian cat's eye opals are notorious
for the amount of great bad luck they bring
to who ever steals them.
I wonder if that amusing old wife's tale
will hold true to form.
You, of all people, don't believe in superstition, do you?
Me? Superstitious? Nonsense.
Hut!
Never walk under a ladder, Robin.
Batman, I'm surprised at you.
Not at all, there is a custom based on fact.
The ladder could fall and hit you on the head
or someone could slip and fall from the ladder.
It doesn't pay to court disaster, Robin.
Let's go.
[intense music]
Ah, long time no meow, Catwoman.
- Where have you been? - Up the river.
Ah, those are the pitfalls of the crime business.
- Hmm. - Well, what can I do for you?
Judging from the looks of the place
I take it you're still in the fencing game?
Well, you know, I like to keep my skill darned in stolen goods.
[laughing]
- You...have something? - Right up your alley.
Minute, ma cherie.
Ah!
Spaghetti.
Al dente.
A masterpiece. Sit down.
Ah, I wish I could invite you to dine with me but
there's barely enough for one.
I'm sorry.
The Batagonian cat's eye opal.
You set a triple soup, so..
- Forget it. - Forget it?
Every gendarme in Gotham City is looking for these.
It'll be impossible for me to get rid if it.
You've got the best overseas contacts.
It doesn't matter. There's a $3 million reward for this.
- You won't touch 'em. - No. It's too hot.
Besides, everyone know that the Batagonian cat's eye opals
are bad luck for anyone who steal them.
Bon appetite.
French Freddy, you are a fink.
I wish I could help you, ma cherie.
But, uh, you know how it is.
Well, here's my address.
If you think of something..
...I'll cut you in.
Thank you.
Come on, gang.
- Ciao. - Ciao.
Go ahead, Captain Courageous. Tell him what you just told me.
I'm very sorry, Batman. for ever having doubted you.
That's quite alright, captain. You were only doing your job.
And quite well. You couldn't have possibly known
it was a Catwoman trick.
Excuse me for a moment, Batman. I have to phone Bruce Wayne.
Keep him posted on Catwoman's exploits.
He's her parole officer, you know.
Yes, of course, commissioner. While you make that little call
I'll borrow the Bat-phone.
Good.
What're you going to do?
I've provided for emergencies like this, Robin.
Now you just watch.
[beeping]
I'm afraid he's not here, sir.
No, I'm here.
Good gracious me.
'The Wayne phone will ring in a few seconds, Alfred.'
Plug in the Bat-syllable device.
Right, sir.
[phone ringing]
(Wayne's voice on machine) 'Hello.'
This is Commissioner Gordon, Mr. Wayne.
'How are you?'
I'm calling to let you know that Catwoman has stolen
several million dollars worth of jewels.
'Have you called Batman?'
He's here in my office right now.
'Good. He'll catch her if anyone can.'
'Sorry I wasn't a better parole officer.'
'Call me if you have any further news. Goodbye.'
Goodbye, Mr. Wayne.
Ha! It's eerie, Batman.
Every time I talk to Mr. Wayne, I feel I'm talking to you.
Really.
'For a while I thought you and he were the same person.'
'But here you are and I've spoken with him.'
I guess that dissolves any tentative theories
I may have harbored.
Sure, and it does. Bruce Wayne is a millionaire playboy.
Hardly a secret identity for Batman.
- How did it work, sir? - Superbly.
Now if you will program the well known criminals file
and see who in Gotham City would be
the most logical fence to handle
'a Batagonian cat's eye opal heist.'
Batagonian.. Yes..
[machine dinging]
There's only one name listed, sir.
French Freddy Touche. Corbin Place.
- Thank you. - A lead?
'Yes, I hope so, for all our sakes.'
Let's go, Robin.
I'd heard about them out in California, Commissioner Gordon.
But the idea of crime fighters in such fantastic costumes
seemed too incredible to believe.
We never had anything like that in Hollywood.
No one will ever see the likes of them again.
For some reason, they chose Gotham City to be the recipient
of their daring do and I for one, bless the day
they arrived on the scene.
Long may they live.
[instrumental music]
Did you come for anything specific, Batman?
Or do you hope to pick up free pointers on fencing?
Holy Zorro. Don't you know Batman is
the best fencer in the country?
[intense music]
You're still in the stolen goods business.
Aren't you, Freddy?
Me? A fence?
En garde. Catch.
You've stained my name. French Freddy Touche.
En garde, I say.
You were saying?
Has anyone been here to sell
a treasure trove of cat's eye opals?
I do not accept stolen merchandise anymore.
Now, I am only interested in...in, uh, body building.
You know in-in-in...building bodies.
Can't you see he's stalling, Batman?
A man is innocent until proven guilty, Robin.
That's provided for in our constitution.
I'll accept your explanation for the nonce.
However, if we find that you've been prevaricating
it will not go well for you.
Let's go, Robin.
Au revoir.
Hi, Big Blanche, I've got a deal for you that'll--
[indistinct chatter on phone]
Same to you, lady.
Drat! Drat!
Double drat!
Nobody wants the stuff?
Can't give it away.
[bell ringing]
- Someone's at the secret door. - Who could it be?
Just one other person knows about that secret entrance.
French Freddy, the fence.
Let him in.
- Bonjour, Catwoman. - Ready to make a deal?
No, no, I uh..
I just wanted to tell you that Batman was, uh..
How do you say, uh... nosing around.
Batman? We thought he was dead.
Well, he looks pretty good for a dead man.
Triple drat!
'I've an idea that will take us all off the hook.'
I know that you cannot sell those opals.
So I thought it'd be a good idea to turn them in for the reward.
- What's your cut? - 'One third.'
One million. That leaves us two million.
Uh, that's fair enough. Give him the opals, boys.
But, Catwoman, how do we know we can trust him?
We've got no choice.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
[laughing]
- What's so funny? - Have you been taken?
Taken?
'These are not the cat's eye opals.'
They are cleverly disguised paste replicas.
Uh, we-we stole them with our own eight hands.
Well, then you went through a lot of trouble for nothing.
These are imitation zircons
that have been dipped in cherry frosting.
And a poor grade of cherry frosting at that. Terrible.
Taste it.
Batman did it. That dirty, rotten guy.
I'm gonna get him if it's the second to last thing I do.
[intense music]
Brown, I want you to take this message to police headquarters.
Batman's pulled the fur over my eyes once too often.
Amazing that you could have predicted her plot, Batman.
'You saved the entire nation of Batagonia'
with your brilliant foresight.
To say nothing of my profitable business.
The $3,000,000 reward you posted
will flush her into the open, Miss Forever.
How did you ever do it?
When I learned that the student disturbance would be
in the area of the gem exchange
I simply put three and one together
and came up with the answer.
Hence, the switching of the gems.
But, by this time, she must've found out
that we've hoodwinked her.
Commissioner, within the next few minutes, you can expect
'a message from Catwoman.'
Holy hypothesis.
[beeping]
Yes, Bonnie. Send him in.
What brazen impudence.
She sent one of her men here with a message for you, Batman.
Calm down, Brown. You're as jumpy as a cat.
A message for you, Batman. From my boss lady.
"To Batman.
"Knowing what sort of a sport you are
"I realize you will release Brown
"to bring your answer back to me.
"Here is my proposition.
"I'm willing to give myself up.
'"But only to you, Batman.'
"Meet me at midnight in the model house at
"the Sherlock Holmes real estate development
"in suburban North Chester.
"I promise to come alone, if you do the same.
Yours truly, Catwoman."
You can tell your...mistress that I will agree to her terms.
Right.
- It's a trick. - She'll try and kill you.
'A bargain is a bargain, Robin.'
I must give her the benefit of the doubt.
She said that she'd be there alone.
But she's never told the truth in the past.
Hope springs eternal.
It is midnight at the Sherlock Holmes Real Estate Development.
[instrumental music]
Hello, Batman.
You're a rare lady, Catwoman. You're right on time.
I'm rare...in more ways than that.
I'm glad you decided to surrender.
We would have caught you eventually.
Do you think so?
Certainly, there's no escaping the inexorable law of justice.
Shall we go?
Must we?
So soon?
I thought that..
Well, you know..
Perhaps we might get to know each other a little better.
I would think that we know each other well enough by now.
Don't run away, Batman.
I won't bite.
I'm not afraid of you, Catwoman.
I'm.. I'm, uh..
You're very beautiful, Catwoman.
Yes, you're quite right.
I am.
You're propinquity..
...could make a man forget himself.
I don't know what that means but it sure sounds nice.
I refer to the nearness of you.
Batman.
Let's throw caution to the winds.
I mean, after all, we are two adult human beings.
And, uh, we're both interested in the same thing.
Happiness.
I can give you more happiness than anyone in the world.
How do you propose to do that?
By being your partner in life.
I mean, it's me and you against the world.
- Oh! - What about Robin?
Well, I'll have him killed....painlessly.
Well, he is a bit of a boy with his holy this and holy that--
That does it, Catwoman!
I thought you had a modicum of decency.
But I see that I erred in my judgment.
You're supposed to fall on the floor.
You're attractive, Catwoman. But not that attractive!
I put in a double dose of Eau De Shack, that poisonous perfume.
You should've been dead 30 seconds ago.
Ah-ha! Ah-ha-ha!
So...all of this lovey-dovey business was just a trick.
Why aren't you writhing in pain?
I had a hunch that you'd try something not quite kosher.
I've been wearing Bat-plugs up my nose.
I've been breathing nothing but clean, fresh air
sans Eau De Shack parfum.
You cheated.
Ha! Put up your gloves, Batman.
Hee-ya!
I'm gonna practice the art of cat-rate on you.
Your mistake.
Cat-rate, as you call it.
Correctly pronounced karate, is a defensive form.
Therefore, in order for you to make a move
I must move.
And I won't.
Well, I have another trick up my paw.
Penn, Brown, Cornell, Freddy. Get him!
Hah-ha!
So, you didn't tell the truth.
Did you ever hear of a crook who did?
The odds are about right.
- Four against one. - Four against two, Batman.
- 'Robin.' - 'I couldn't resist.'
You were taken in by her but I'm too young for that sorta thing.
Out of the mouths boy wonders oft times come gems.
[intense music]
You keep an eye on 'em.
- I'll go after her. - Right.
I never find my key's when I really need them.
Going my way?
I wish I were, Batman.
But we're fated to travel in different directions.
You, on the straight and narrow and..
...me, on the crooked and wide.
Catwoman, it would be so easy for you
to tread the path of righteousness.
I'm afraid not, Batman.
I need what every woman needs. The love of a good man.
[instrumental music]
I'm sorry it had to end this way, Catwoman.
Not half as sorry as I am, Mr. Wayne.
Catwoman, you have destroyed my faith
in my modern penalogical practices.
Don't judge all criminals by me, Warden Crichton.
There are a lot of cons that you have rehabilitated
by your methods.
I'm the exception. Not the rule.
Catwoman's correct.
This is a model prison.
'Be proud of your work, warden.'
It's too bad we couldn't get to be better friends, Mr. Wayne.
A good parole officer should also be a friend.
I'd like to be...your friend.
There's no room for another man in my life, Mr. Wayne.
You're nice.
But my heart belongs to Batman.
Next week, Batman and Robin clash with
the Green Hornet and Kato.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman, Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman, Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman