¶ Batman
(male narrator) Gotham state penitentiary.
An impregnable fortress under maximum security
where rehabilitation, not punishment, is the keynote.
Hello, Catwoman.
Hello.
You're familiar with millionaire, Bruce Wayne.
Yes, we've met.
Is there any particular reason you had me brought here?
I was taking my afternoon catnap.
We're, uh, taking a gamble on you, Catwoman.
Your parole application has been granted due to the insistence
'of one of the members of the board.'
- You're letting me go? - With this proviso.
A board member will act as your parole officer.
He, heaven help him
'will be totally responsible for your actions.'
Who's that?
Millionaire, Bruce Wayne.
Warden..
...I owe my life of crime to the fact..
...that I was a drop out.
I'm going back to Gotham City University
to immerse myself in education.
Late the next night, a curious happening takes shape
in one of Gotham City University's hallowed hall.
A student prank or a feline scheme of that university's
most recently registered student?
[intense music]
Meanwhile, in stately Wayne Manor..
Yes, commissioner.
I'm not certain if this requires your attention, Batman.
But some strange goings on have been going on.
Who is it this time, commissioner?
Joker, Egghead, Riddler, King Tut?
I don't know.
A statue has been stolen at Gotham City University.
Sounds like a freshman prank to me.
'Perhaps, and then again, perhaps not.'
The statue was a full size replica of you, Batman.
My graven image, eh?
We'll be right there, commissioner.
To the Bat-poles.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman, Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman, Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
Utterly baffling.
With all due respect to Batman's myriad fans
why would anyone steal a mere statue?
Maybe it was some kind of dumb fraternity stunt.
Unfortunately, I can think of a more sinister reason.
What, Batman?
As you may recall..
...that statue was made from a perfect mold of my body.
And the costume is an exact plaster duplicate of yours.
Precisely, Robin.
This step may be the first step in
some diabolical impostor of myself.
Gosh, if we only had some clue.
There is one, Boy Wonder.
We found this freshman beanie, size six and seven eighths
at the scene of the outrage.
Can you trace it?
There are approximately 5700 male freshmen
enrolling for this semester at GCU.
3127 of them wear a size six and seven eighths beanie.
It's a start.
May I see the beanie in question, Chief O'Hara?
- Robin. - Yes, Batman.
- Do you see what I see? - 'Depends.'
What do you see?
A single strand of red hair.
A clue?
Could be vital clue, Commissioner Gordon.
I've just perfected an electronic hair Bat-analyzer
which may hold the key to this baffling question.
Let's go, Robin.
And in the basement of the Eighta Beta Lotka
sorority house, adjoining the GCU campus..
I gotta hand it to you, Catwoman.
Hiding us out in this sorority house was a stroke of genius.
Who'd ever think of looking for men in a all girls house?
There's no taking ourselves for granted, Mitt.
There's work to be done.
To be done! Cornell, how about it?
Right, Catwoman.
(Batman on tape) 'Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen'
'for all your applause, but I don't really deserve it.'
[imitating Batman] Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen
for all your applause, but I don't really deserve it.
If I hadn't heard Batman with my own ears
I wouldn't have believed it.
That's quite good, Cornell.
Just clear your throat and you'll be purr-fect. Ha ha.
Yes, that oughta do.
- Hmm. - I'll try it on for size.
Oh, it's time for class.
Oh, listen, fellas.
Make sure you return that statue.
I want them to think it was a simple minded prank. Ha ha ha.
Come on, Penn.
Batman's guest lecturer today
and we wouldn't wanna miss any of his pearls of wisdom.
Penn, where's your beanie?
I, uh, I must've lost it somewhere.
Brown, lend him yours.
You cut class.
(Cornell) 'Catwoman.'
You're under arrest.
You almost gave me cataplexy.
Hah! I've created a monster.
Oh, well, if I can't tell the difference, who can?
I still think it's pretty fishy, Batman.
Catwoman taking elementary criminology.
I agree, Robin.
Better keep our eyes peeled.
Good day, students.
I'll begin by remarking that
criminology, like other sciences
has made remarkable strides
'over recent years.'
(Robin) 'Batman's right, students.'
We catch more crooks in our Bat-cave anti-crime lab
than in the field.
For example, last night
a certain statue was purloined right here at Gotham City U.
This beanie was found at the scene of the crime.
There was one strand of red hair caught in the fabric.
'I have microscopically analyzed it.'
And here are my findings.
From this single strand of hair..
...I've been able to determine..
...that the man is '6"1 and 3 quarters inches in height.
He's 36 years old, has flat feet, wears glasses
speaks at a deep voice and suffers from hay fever.
Help, what do I do?
Cheese it. I'll set off the bell
with my remote control cat radio.
Pardon me.
[intense music]
[sneezing]
[bell ringing]
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, okay. Now if all you students will just clear away..
Batman and I would like to be alone.
What makes you think so, Catwoman?
Ooh, I just thought it would be so amusing.
It would be the first time you weren't trying to arrest me
and I wasn't trying to murder you.
Very well.
Just a second while I retrieve my beanie, my hair, my tweezers
and my notes.
It gets fishier all the time, Batman.
Did you happen to notice how the bell rang
two minutes after the class began?
Of course. She's up to something, Robin.
I'm merely playing along with it.
I'll bet every female criminal in America would
swap her time off for good behavior
just to change places with me.
- I'm flattered. - Hmm.
As soon as I graduate, I'll be coming to you for a job.
What I want most in life..
...is to work side by side with you, Batman.
That job is filled.
[slurping]
Oh, Robin.
Well..
...maybe by that time, he'll be..
...all grown up and on his own.
I can't tell you how happy I am about your change of heart.
You seem to have lost all the egotism..
...that once marred your great beauty.
Batman!
- Batman, we've been framed. - What?
I just heard over the radio, someone who looks exactly
like you has been positively identified
as having robbed a supermarket.
At least that explains the curious theft of that statue.
Don't move, you costumed kook.
We've got you covered.
Your under arrest for knocking off a supermarket.
- Who the heck are you? - Name's Courageous.
Captain Courageous.
Just arrived here from Los Angeles.
Under the police exchange program.
Holy Hollywood. An out of towner.
That's why he doesn't know who Batman is.
You say I've been identified as a criminal?
Twenty witnesses. What's your alibi?
I've been here all morning
sipping a soda with Catwoman.
He was. I'll swear to that.
Ha! Who's gonna take the word of a fifty time loser?
Snap the handcuffs on 'em, boys.
He's a dime. Call Commissioner Gordon.
Sorry, sonny. Only one phone call allowed..
...to his lawyer, if the kook has one.
That's right, Robin. Go ahead and make the call.
Your lawyer?
The number's in the phonebook
under the firm name of Alfred and Alfred.
Alright, let's get goin'.
Yes, Chief O'Hara?
I just heard there's to be a spontaneous demonstration
in Chimes Square tonight.
Well, now, who's demonstrating and what for?
The students at Gotham City University intend to loiter.
And what's more, Catwoman is the loiter leader.
Catwoman? Assign every ban you have
to the Gotham White Way at dusk.
Yes, sir.
- Batman? - Yes.
My card.
Serge Tort, attorney at law.
Specialist in felonies, misdemeanors
and overtime parking tickets.
Uh, sit down, Mr. Tort.
It appears that someone has been masquerading as me, Mr. Tort.
But I'm innocent. You have my word.
I'm sure you are, Mr. Batman.
But, uh, there is nothing more damaging
than eyewitness testimony.
Good luck, sir. Think the disguise will work?
Let's hope so, Alfred.
Guard?
Let me out please.
Ah, Captain Courageous. How was the first day on the job?
Not bad. Not bad, Commissioner Gordon.
I captured a desperate criminal today.
Wonderful, who was it?
Some joker who calls himself Batman.
Batman! You ninny! Release him and release him fast.
But-but..
You do very clever impressions of a motorboat, captain.
- Get moving! - Yes, sir.
[phone ringing]
- Hello? - This is Commissioner Gordon.
I'd like to speak to Mr. Wayne, please.
Yes, just a moment. Bruce.
It's Commissioner Gordon.
Thank you, Aunt Harriet. Hello, Commissioner.
I just thought you'd be sorry to learn that Catwoman
'intends to lead sit-in tonight'
'in the heart of Chimes Square, Mr. Wayne.'
I'm certain there's some illegal reason behind it.
You're her parole officer, aren't you?
Hmm, I guess I haven't done a very good job, commissioner.
Still, I must award you an E for effort. Goodbye.
Commissioner, the Batman's escaped.
Tied up a lawyer and walked out in disguise.
Ha ha! Good ol' Batman. No jail can hold him.
Not even ours. He's probably at the Bat-cave already.
You'll learn soon enough not to doubt the masked man-hunter.
[beeping]
Yes, commissioner, you're calling to tell me
about Catwoman's latest peregrinations.
Incredible. I just heard about it myself.
How do you do it?
It's my job, commissioner.
I must stay at least two steps ahead of each criminal.
We'll be at Chimes Square tonight.
Holy crystal Ball. How'd you know the phone was gonna ring?
Elementary. I'll explain on the way down.
To the Bat-poles.
We have yet to determine Catwoman's ultimate scheme.
Let's program the Bat-calendar and see what's transpiring
in Gotham City this fine day.
I'm sure we'll find the answer to our plot here.
[machine dinging]
There's a prize cat show at Gotham City Square Garden.
The opening of the feline fur salon
on the avenue of the Armenians.
A rock and roll concert by the Lions and the Tigers
at Space Stadium.
And a Batagonian cat's eye opal sale at the offices
of the Forever Jewel Company.
I'm afraid we have our work cut out for us.
To the Batmobile.
Every year, on this date, the Batagonian cat's eye opal people
arrive in Gotham City to sell their jewels.
Cat's eye opals? They're bad luck.
Pish tosh, that's a superstition not grounded in fact.
Anyway, they're worth millions.
- We gonna teal 'em? - 'Naturally.'
I've discovered where the showroom sale is.
It'll be cat's play.
Yeah, but what about Batman and the police?
As purr my plan, Batman is languishing in some jail.
Ha ha! And the befuddled police will have their gloves full
just clearing those misguided students off the streets.
You've come up with a beut, Catwoman.
Yes.
Yes, I really have.
Cornell, go and get the Catillac and bring it around.
We're gonna transform Chimes Square into Crime Square.
[laughing]
[intense music]
And that night, in Chimes Square
on the Gotham City White Way..
(Catwoman) There's only one way for us to get our rights!
We must let the world know about them.
'Students everywhere will thank us'
for what we are about to do tonight.
Higher rate!
(all) Yeah!
Now, to it!
Go back, students. Go back.
'Go back to your homes and hearts.'
Can't you see she's trying to lead you down a phony path?
Batman? I thought he was in jail.
I'm afraid that..
...aside from his many other attributes..
...Batman is probably the world's greatest escape artist.
No matter.
I have something infinitely more fiendish in mind for him.
To the elevators.
Moments later, atop the Gotham City Chimes Building
Catwoman deploys her forces in the blinking light
of the Crespie's Coffee mechanical billboard.
[intense music]
Well, citizen to what do we owe the pleasure of this visit?
I was hoping to revive my TV show "People Are Funny."
But I can't seem to find any unusual people in Gotham City.
No, this is just an ordinary, fine, upstanding metropolis.
Not many weirdoes.
Any particular types in mind?
Oh, someone, perhaps with a strange costume?
Hmm. No, most of those characters
like Joker, Penguin, King Tut are safely locked up.
Maybe somebody with a dual identity.
Or a unique approach to a problem.
I'm climbing the walls, looking for them.
I wish we could help you.
But we're just ordinary crime fighters
going about our mundane business.
I see. Well, thank you for your interest.
Maybe I'll give up the whole idea.
Too bad. It's a great show.
Costumes, dual identity, climbing the walls.
Hey, Batman!
He should have been here by now.
- 'Here we are.' - 'In the flesh.'
Oh, Catwoman. Catwoman, will you never learn?
Men!
Two obstacles stand between me and you.
And a life of splendor and plenty.
Eradicate them!
[instrumental music]
Batman! Batman!
[music continues]
Get 'em!
You had your chance, Catwoman. But you blew it.
Your a blot on the name of Gotham City University.
When the students find out what kind of a person you really are
they'll hate you forever.
[sobbing]
Nobody loves me.
There, there, Catwoman. It'll be alright.
Can I use my cat-kerchief?
I'm ruining my eye shadow.
Of course.
[spray hissing]
Fools.
Don't they know that tears are a woman's most effective weapon?
[intense music]
Batman.
Batman! Wake up.
What are you doing?
I've flavored the coffee in this percolator
with a dash of sulfuric acid.
'Once a minute the percolator'
'pours it's contents into the cup.'
So if you get that searing feeling in your stomachs
it won't be heartburn.
It'll be all burn.
Holy caffeine!
And best of all, everybody will see you go up in smoke.
Look.
[intense music]
You have a purr-verted sense of the dramatic, Catwoman.
Your absolutely right.
Brown, throw the switch.
[music continues]
You have one minute. Bye bye!
What an ignominious end.
Scalded in a coffee cup?
Can this be it for the Dynamic Duo?
Or are Batman and Robin still good to the last drip?
Learn the agonizing answer.
Tune in tomorrow.
Same cat-time.
Same cat-channel.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman, Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman, Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman