¶ Batman
(male narrator) When we last saw the Boy Wonder
he was about to be printed into a horrible human comic book
and Bruce Wayne was being forced to push the switch
that would stamp Robin's doom.
What way out?
Frankly, this observer fears there's none.
The answer, in just one moment.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
But on the street below the doomful scene
trusty Alfred, pulled a Batman plan.
Master Robin, Mr. Wayne, sir?
Do you read me? Do you read me, sir?
Oh, dear!
Bless my vertigo!
Quick, my humorous robots! Exert yourselves!
Conclude this comical charade!
[intense music]
Sorry, Boy Wonder, I'm doing my very best against this..
...infernal...robot..
...super strength.
Heck, Mr. Wayne I know you're doing your best.
- Hark the devil! - It's Batman.
Unhand Mr. Wayne.
Here comes the Bat-gas.
(Joker) 'Robots, now hear this.'
'We who laugh and run away'
'live to laugh another day.'
[all coughing]
[music continues]
Quickly, Alfred, the Bat-fan!
Very good, sir!
[fan whirring]
Well done, Alfred. And bravely, too.
You were great, Alfred, you even sounded like Batman.
Small wonder, Master Robin.
That was my own voice, Robin.
Remember those lessons in ventriloquism?
Gosh, yes, I should've thought of that.
No, don't blame yourself, Robin.
It's sometimes difficult to think clearly
when you're strapped to a printing press.
Joker and his bad luck gang
escaped down that secret elevator.
Who cares? Now that we've got proof
that Joker was back of that counterfeit operation.
Was is right, Robin.
I'm afraid all we've succeeded in doing here
'is frightening him into another criminal endeavor.'
Any notion what that might be, sir?
No. But I have an ugly hunch, Alfred.
As a part of my charade, I prepared a document
appointing Joker as an officer of the Gotham National Bank.
Unfortunately, in the ensuing melee, he snatched
'the document and made off with it.'
(Robin) 'Holy bankruptcy!'
You don't mean--
The last I knew, Robin..
...under the alias..
...of W.C. Whiteface.
Joker is now the legal Vice Chairman of the board..
...of the Gotham National Bank.
(Robin) Look, he's got his criminal robots installed as tellers.
Ominous, indeed.
Bruce Wayne is the chairman of the board of this bank.
- Can't he fire them? - Regrettably not, Robin.
Vice Chairman has complete control of personnel
according to the charter.
However, we could not anticipate such a pass as this.
(Joker) 'Well, now!'
It's Batman and Robin.
- Good afternoon. Batman. - Good afternoon.
What can I do for you?
Perhaps a small Bat-cave improvement loan?
No, thank you.
We're here in search of criminal activity.
Ooh! Ha ha ha!
That's priceless, priceless!
Oh, the blind, blundering bats
'are getting funnier and funnier.'
[laughing]
Anything amiss, Mr. Flamm?
Darn nothing, Batman.
Mr. Whiteface his this branch in apple-pie order.
Holy stomach ache, some sour apple pie.
Are you aware that your new tellers
are actually a pair of robots?
Ooh, well, yes, I did suspect that.
But, our customers find them positively charming.
And I admit their audit was correct.
To the penny.
Come on.
That twisted, mocking fiend. What's he up to?
All too obvious. He's playing honest to set the stage
for a criminal coup that'll stagger our imaginations.
- Sure, Batman, but what? - That's a good question, Robin.
I wish..
Wait a minute.
Here he comes with that deluded moll of his.
If we play our cards right
perhaps we can cull a clue!
Hello there, Mr. Pasty Whiteface.
Going somewhere?
Don't they wish they knew?
We better follow them, Robin.
From the look on his face
'they're off to rob a church poor box.'
Why, you impertinent, flying rodent!
'Ms. Miller and I are off to see my associate'
millionaire Bruce Wayne on a most important matter. Hah!
[Joker cackling]
Well, well.
It looks like we're getting closer
to the heart of this criminal artichoke.
- We can run them in, Batman - What?
Look at that, crazy, joke-mobile.
It violates 50 sections
of the Gotham state safety vehicles code.
Don't be foolish, Robin.
Far better that we eavesdrop on his unscheduled meeting
with millionaire Bruce Wayne.
Let's go, Robin!
No use hounding these innocent citizens.
Let's take the Bat-mobile in for a safety check, shall we?
You're right, Batman, it's long over-due!
[theme music]
[tires screeching]
Good afternoon, sir.
I hope it will be, Alfred. We're expecting callers.
When they arrive, show no emotion, but usher them in.
(Joker) The next voice you'll hear will be your own, Mr. Wayne.
Remember?
(Bruce Wayne on tape) 'But you see, I foolishly succumbed to the temptation'
'of speculations with the funds of the Wayne foundation.'
'The results were catastrophic.'
'Tomorrow is the annual accounting, and if I don't--'
Stop, that's enough.
[laughing]
Gosh, Bruce, how could you?
Temptation, Dick. A sudden... drop in the stock market.
A search for an easy way..
It's ruined stronger men than myself.
So, Mr. Whiteface, what's the point of your gloomy reprieves?
Blackmail, Mr. Wayne.
(Dick) 'You ungrateful devil!'
Isn't it enough that Bruce appointed you
vice chairman of the bank?
Don't dip your oar in this sordid sea, Dick.
You might get besmirched.
Oh, alright, it just burns me up.
The filthy greed of some people!
As you were saying, Mr. Whiteface?
Imagine my ghastly situation, Mr. Wayne.
Legally installed in the bank
but watched like an insect by that infernal Caped Crusader.
If I misappropriate a dime, the bat will pounce.
Yes, I can understand, for someone of your
dubious character, that might prove annoying.
My demands, Mr. Wayne.
Unless you want that taped confession
sent to the authorities
you will lure the Dynamic Duo into a trap.
Deliver the lifeless corpse of Batman
'and the Boy wonder.'
That is impossible.
Bruce Wayne maybe a crooked embezzler
but he's not a killer!
Right, Bruce?
You phrased it well, Dick.
Since the murder of my parents by dastardly criminals
violence has been anathema to me.
We've been foiled, Joker.
That guy is a milk sop.
Very well, then. We must be content with
our humorous alternate plan B.
(Both) Plan B?
Oh, Brucie pie, yes, yes, yes!
I beg your pardon?
Ooh, you're a lucky chap, Mr. Wayne.
My pretty protege, Ms. Miller has just consented to marry you.
I'll be faithful forever in my fashion.
I'll love you until the oceans are hung up and dried.
Oh, and by the way, here is the marriage contract.
Oh, let me commend you on your generosity.
The initial settlement is three million dollars.
Hello, society editor?
This is Mr. Whiteface of the Gotham National Bank.
I have an announcement which might be of interest.
Oh, darling, you're yummy.
Read all about it!
Millionaire Bruce Wayne to wed reformed gun moll!
Banker's pretty protege!
Extra, extra! Read all about it!
Monstrous.
This alliance all but beggar's belief.
Saint's preserve us!
The bride has a record longer than both me arms
and both me legs stitched end to end.
What's on your mind, commissioner?
Batman, have you read the dire news about Bruce Wayne?
Love is blind, commissioner, Bruce Wayne is over 21
I fear there's nothing we can do.
She's a fetching creature, Robin.
Bruce might find it not without certain pleasures.
Holy madness, Batman. I don't dig this.
Bruce Wayne didn't embezzle. That was just a ploy.
Joker's blackmail threat isn't worth a tinker's darn.
Yes and no, Robin, the way I set the caper up
I'm afraid I couldn't explain that tape without compromising
our secret true identities.
Gosh, yes.
Ouch! I hadn't thought of that.
Luckily for us however, there's one weak link
in this criminal chain.
Where?
Think, Robin, think.
Rehearse this curious affair from the very beginning.
You should see one gigantic foothold
which we haven't even laid a hand on.
Foothold? Haven't laid a hand on?
Gosh, you have me buffaloed, Batman.
I'll give you a hint, Robin.
Our secret weapon is a dead stranger in this Bat-cave.
A dead stranger in this..
'Holy remote control robot!'
Exactly, Robin.
Joker's Mr. Glee, whom we captured earlier
'in this adventure.'
If we could just solve the secret of his control mechanism
we'd have the other two robots dancing in our control.
Watch out, Bruce Wayne, for as the Caped Crusaders toil
a strange meeting takes place
in Commissioner Gordon's office.
Well, Dr. Floyd?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's no doubt.
From the symptoms you described me
uh, Bruce Wayne is victim from the well known
second childhood syndrome.
Sufficiently so to commit him to some mental institution?
Yeah, yeah, naturally.
One other vital point, doctor
how long would you say Mr. Wayne
has suffered from this condition?
Well, uh, the incubation period is slow.
Perhaps, three months.
Surely, not less than two.
Saints be praised.
Yes, Chief O'Hara, we're free to act.
Bruce Wayne was definitely mentally incompetent
when he appointed The Joker to his bank.
So uh, what do we do?
We have no choice.
The poor fellow's irrational behavior threatens
the entire financial structure of Gotham City.
Chief O'Hara!
- Yes, sir. - Alert your anti-lunatic squad.
'If Batman won't help us we'll do it ourselves.'
Bring in millionaire Bruce Wayne..
...in a straightjacket.
Yes, sir!
Well, I think we have his wavelengths analyzed.
Shall we give it a spin?
- Ready, Robin? - Ready.
Mr. Glee, in the name of justice
I summon you back to life.
Rise, please.
Holy Frankenstein, we've done it!
Now the fun begins, Robin.
With jokers nasty robots at our command--
- 'Alfred here.' - Yes, Alfred?
'It's Chief O'Hara, sir.'
He wishes to see, Mr. Wayne on a matter of urgency.
Tell him to wait, Alfred.
I'll be right back, Robin. Meanwhile, here's the plan.
Hello, chief.
Wrap him up, boys!
Chief O'Hara, what's the meaning of this?
It's a court order, Mr. Wayne.
Don't worry you'll have a nice long rest in happy acres.
Come on, boys.
I'm a personal friend of Commissioner Gordon's.
What?
Bruce taken off in a straightjacket.
I observed it myself, Master Robin.
Holy Stew pot!
And I've just transmitted Batman's orders to
those robots at the bank.
Indeed.
This blow does seem ill-timed.
We haven't a minute to lose. Quick, Alfred
put on your trusty Batman suit.
Roger!
[intense music]
[tires screeching]
I believe that's them ahead, Master Robin.
It's them alright.
First, I'll give that wagon a little touch of Bat-ray.
Good shot, Master Robin!
Thanks, Alfred.
Now for the super power of Bat-mag.
With any luck, we'll latch on to the middle buckle
of that straightjacket.
[tires screeching]
Good thinking, old chum.
- Bruce, you okay? - Yes, I rolled with the fall.
Now get me out of this overly-tailored jacket.
Your spare, Bat-suit, sir.
Thank you, Alfred, I will be back in a moment.
Quickly, Robin, to the Batmobile.
The medical findings, my dear, Mr. Whiteface.
Bruce Wayne was not of sound mind
when he appointed you to this position.
Vacate these premises at once!
Fraud, frame up!
Joker, never mind, we've still got me and Brucie.
Hey!
My dear wife Josephine.
'I've been looking for you everywhere.'
So that's your game, Joker, aiding and abetting
attempted bigamy.
Holy wedding cake! Wait till we tell Bruce Wayne.
You, creep, I'm not your wife.
What? Have you forgotten our honeymoon at Niagara Falls?
Oh boy, he's following our secret orders perfectly.
Why, you, mechanical moron what's gotten into you?
(female #1) 'Help! Stick-up!'
Empty your purse, madam, hand me the contents.
(Yock) 'Your wallet, sir.'
Or I'll put it between your eyes.
What is this madness?
Am I dreaming?
Joker, our robots must be getting orders
from some place else.
Don't look at us, Joker.
We just dropped in for that small Bat-cave improvement loan
that you mentioned.
But in view of the strange criminal activity
that seems to be transpiring here--
- Let's whack 'em up, Batman! - Good idea, Robin.
Robots, Boff and Yock and Glee
'reprogram, ignore all previous instructions'
get the Dynamic Duo!
Wow! We're double-crossed.
That's the trouble with robots, Robin.
They like even the most minimal sense of loyalty.
Now, conclude this ugly, little charade, shall we, Robin?
[instrumental music]
Get 'em!
[grunting]
[laughing]
[groaning]
Where am I?
About just a sort of journey you should know well by know.
Up the river.
Here's the biggest joke
it was all a bluff, Joker.
We didn't have one darn thing on you until you ordered
those robots to try to kill us.
Fantastic, Boy Wonder, what an incredible brain work.
Batman..
...if ever you see Bruce Wayne, tell him..
...tell him it might have been fun.
I'll tell him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, stand clear, everyone.
[speaking in German]
I declare Wayne's mental recovery is complete.
Capital!
Uh, without doubt
the bump on the head, when he accidentally
fell from the paddy wagon, restores him
among us sane peoples.
Thank you very much, doctor.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, only I could a similar examination
of the head from the fledermausmensch.
The what?
Uh, the fledermausmensch.
How's your German, Dick?
Fledermausmensch, well, that's German for Batman.
Right you are, old chum.
What wonders there must be in der fledermausmensch's head.
Oh, I don't know.
Come now, Bruce don't joke.
The brain of Batman? Oh, miraculous!
I'll make you a bet, doctor.
If you were to have the opportunity
to study Batman's brain
'with all it's myriad, flaws'
I think you'd find it's not terribly unlike my own.
(O'Hara) 'Mother of mercy!'
Get the smellin' salts
Mr. Wayne is having a relapse.
Next week, Julie Newmars springs back as the Catwoman.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman