¶ Batman
Outside the Gotham City National Bank.
Wealthy young socialite Miranda Fleece
is about to perform an act of charity.
Begging your pardon, ma'am.
If you don't mind hearing a tale of some real bad luck.
I know how it goes, poopsie. Say no more.
Have a hundred.
Heaven bless you!
Help! Police! Fast!
Amazing!
The veritable deluge of counterfeit bills.
Being passed not by criminals
but by well known pillars of society.
It baffles me completely.
There's something funny about these counterfeits commissioner
have you noticed?
They're blank on one side and completely genuine on the other.
Exactly.
It's almost as if some deranged mind
were trying to taunt our very sanity.
[Joker laughing]
Begorrah! That laughter.
- Where does it come from? - Nowhere.
And yet...everywhere.
Commissioner, I've a terrible feeling
we've heard this laughter before.
So true, Chief O'Hara, so true. It all fits perfectly.
Joker!
[Joker laughing]
Once again we take our poor, cracked pitcher
to the Caped Crusader's well.
Gosh! Economics is sure dull subject.
Oh, you must be jesting, Dick.
Economics dull?
The glamor, the romance of commerce. Hm.
It's the very lifeblood of our country's society.
Frankly, I can think of nothing more stimulating than economics
and commerce and..
- Yes, Alfred. - Begging your pardon, sir.
It's the telephone in the study, sir.
Hey, come on, Dick. This may lead us to more
practical lesson in loss and gain.
I'm with you. So long, Aunt Harriet.
Mercy alive, the way that boy changes his mind.
I wonder if he's over-tired.
Yes, commissioner.
Words are superfluous, Batman.
Uh...listen.
[Joker laughing]
Holy funny bone, The Joker!
Courage, commissioner, courage.
Joker seldom has the last laugh.
To the Bat-poles!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
[Batmobile revving]
[tires screeching]
[Joker laughing]
Saints preserve us!
There it goes again.
Diabolical! I've been driven out of my senses.
Precisely, the fiend's intention, commissioner.
Batman is right. Joker knows we'll need every ounce
of our sanity to outwit his filthy plot.
Hand me the Bat-detector, Robin.
Roger! I'll tune it in for super-laughtrack sensitivity.
Extend your left arm, commissioner.
Your pardon?
Just do as I say, commissioner.
- Extend your left arm. - Oh, yeah, sure.
[Joker laughing]
[Bat-detector crackling]
Ingenious.
This criminal mirth issues from a tiny super-powered loudspeaker
built into your left cufflink.
- Great Scott! - Exhibit A.
How the devil did it get there, Batman?
Joker is a master conjurer, Chief O'Hara.
No doubt he brushed against the commissioner in a crowd.
'And easily affected the substitution.'
'Stand up, commissioner.'
Oh, yeah, sure.
Ah-huh.
Just as I suspected.
'The agile crook also managed to slip'
an induction receiving antenna
into your...left trouser leg.
Exhibit B.
Yes, now I remember
some oddly-costumed fellow did bump into me
in the subway this morning.
Holy chutzpah!
Planning criminal radio gear on the police commissioner.
No time for emotion, old chum.
Let's apply our brain power to Joker's plot.
This was passed by an innocent dupe, eh?
What's more important the good woman
had just received that bill from the Gotham City National Bank.
Gosh, Batman! If we could just puzzle out
how funny money is handed out by a bank.
Good thinking, Robin. Time for us to go fishing, if you ask me.
- Fishing? - But where, Batman?
Where the fishing is always best, commissioner.
From a shady bank.
Meanwhile, a strange scene unfolds atop this building
which houses Penthouse Publishers.
Formerly innocent purveyors of mirth
now the secret headquarters of The Joker.
Oh, this continued mirth is exhausting.
Even for the Clown Prince Of Crime.
I figure, he finally found the gizmo?
Oh, that dunderhead Gordon,
he couldn't find a haystack in a needle factory.
No, you can be quite certain, sweet Josie Miller
the failure of our tiny receiver means Batman is on the job.
Gee, I'm not very glad to hear that, Joker.
Oh, my foolish trepidatious child.
He's not headed here.
Why, even as we speak, you can bet he's racing
to the bank and doom.
Mr. Yock, Mr. Boff, warm up time.
[intense music]
Those were sure are nifty robots, Joker.
Oh, comically life-like, aren't they?
They were my manual training project
last spell I did in that filthy penitentiary.
Do you think they're strong enough to hold Batman and Robin?
Oh, observe.
Mr. Yock, Mr. Boff, practice alert.
Bats on the premises. There on the table.
[crashing]
Ooh, smash them!
Bash them, crash them!
[intense music]
Exterminate 'em utterly into primordial bat stuff.
[Joker laughing]
Robots, as you were, at ease.
[transmitter beeping]
What's that, Joker?
The signal from the bank.
Oh, those blundering bipeds, they've swallowed our bait.
Quick, let's watch. Quick.
Watch, my sweet.
(Mr. Flamm) 'What's that?'
Counterfeit currency emanating from this bank? It's impossible!
A word one must employ with the greatest of caution, Mr. Flamm.
Impossible, I say!
Just answer me the question.
Have there been any recent changes in personnel?
See.
Yes, our Ms. Pruitt left.
The date was May 7th, 1951.
Uh, no, something more recent.
Nothing whatever, Batman.
Except of course, our Chief Teller.
He went off for a sandwich at noon and didn't return.
He did send us a substitute, I'm pleased to say, Mr. Glee.
'That's him over there.'
[intense music]
He had references, of course.
Of course, Batman.
Impeccable.
- Thank you. - Yes.
Notice anything odd, Robin?
(Robin) 'His rather formal attire.'
(Batman) 'That and something else?'
The way counts out those bills.
Holy precision!
A deep precise to an almost inhuman degree.
Something weird about his collar button too.
Good for you, Robin. I wondered if you'd noticed.
Now, if my strange hunch is right.
Good afternoon, Mr. Glee.
I'm Batman.
Obviously, sir.
I have been admiring your collar button.
[Joker screams]
That filthy bat creature touched the lens.
Tell me, Mr. Glee.
Why is the collar button
like an old pile of burning automobile tires?
Answer. Because they both choke?
[intense music]
Holy clockworks! A mechanical marvel!
I'm-I'm flabbergasted, Batman!
How on Earth did you know that was a robot?
Simple, Mr. Flamm.
Even the most infallible robots have one defect.
They've no sense of humor.
Batman told him a super-funny joke.
When the creature didn't laugh, that was proof!
Well, you wretched ruin.
I guess, we'll take you back to the Batcave.
One last warning, Mr. Flamm
the next time your Chief Teller goes out for a sandwich
and sends a stranger back in his place
scrutinize him carefully.
I'm sure I speak for the chairman
of the board millionaire Bruce Wayne.
In saying that you owe that to all of your depositors.
Good day, citizens.
[crowd applauding]
Oh! Eureka! Look..
...Mr. Glee's receiver signal is coming in as planned.
The Batmobile!
Oh, yes, my sweet, with Mr. Glee in the trunk.
[laughs]
We'll give pursuit.
We'll find the Batcave. Quick to the Jokemobile.
[crowd chattering]
Clear the way, you nasty people. Clear the way, please.
Clear the way, you nasty people.
[Joker laughing]
[indistinct chattering]
Oh, turn on the portable robot retriever.
Pick up the signal.
(Josie) 'Left on Mulberry.'
Tally-ho! Whoo. What a bat-hunt!
[crowd cheering]
[Joker laughing]
[tire screeching]
[bell rings]
Holy hunting horn! That's a tracking signal.
Obviously, there's a tiny transmitter
built into that robot in the truck.
You mean, you knew we were being followed?
Oh, yes.
What do we, Batman? Lure them into an ambush?
- Bash them with our batarangs? - No, I have a better notion.
Of course. We'll activate our trusty Bat-deflector.
Right again, Robin.
Turn it on.
Bat-deflector activate.
[tire screeching]
[honking]
How's the retriever signal?
Stronger than ever, Joker.
Faster.
[bell rings]
Right turn.
Strange, I don't see any road.
Well, I can't help that, Joker. The signal says right turn.
Ooh, how humorous?
Hold tight for the bumpsy-daisy.
[bell chimes]
[hissing and sputtering]
[Joker laughing]
Ooh! Ooh, frabjous day.
Moment every supercrook has dreamed of.
Look, we discover the entrance to the Batcave.
Which way from here, Joker?
Oh, must be around that little hill.
- Get the gas grenades. - Roger.
Oh, we'll gas 'em out of the cave
and get them when they come out.
Death to the blundering bats. Tally-ho!
What's the matter?
Bizarre. The signal says the Batcave is here.
Look, we've been out-tricked.
"Laugh, criminals, laugh."
[screaming]
I'll have it!
By all the saints of wicked mirth, I'll have it!
The last laugh will still be mine!
[intense music]
I regret to say, no unusual indications.
We're dealing with a perfectly normal robot.
Holy dead end! Not a clue to where it came from.
Excusing the intrusion, sir
but might I point out an oddity in this automaton's attire.
By all means, Alfred.
This sleeve, sir.
Now to my practiced eye... it would appear
that it has been pressed by a most uncommon pressure.
He's right, Batman, look.
The buttons are pushed almost through the back.
And here, sir.
I clearly detect traces of multicolored...spots
which have been frequently, but clumsily, sponged.
Congratulations, Alfred.
Your keen sartorial sense has done it again.
Thank you, sir.
Robin, warm up the Bat-spot analyzer
while I take a sample of this affected cloth.
Roger.
I'll just snip right through here, Alfred.
Bat-spot analyzer ready to go, Batman.
Roger.
Now, let's keep our fingers crossed, Robin.
[machine dings]
- Mm-hmm. - What is it, Batman?
Those curious spots, they're minute traces of printer's ink.
Of course, used by Joker in his counterfeiting operation.
Exactly, transferred to the cloth when that cheapskate
pressed his robot's wear in his printing press.
Bless my steam iron, how revolting?
Revolting indeed, Alfred.
Like the colors of these inks.
Arsenic green, rotten apple red..
...bilious blue.
I believe there is just one sort of legitimate printing firm
that would employ such use.
A firm that prints comic books.
Right again, Robin.
Now to check our business index machine
to see if any such firm has recently changed hands.
[machine dings]
Penthouse Publishers sold one week ago
to a certain Mr. W.C. Whiteface.
Whiteface? Joker!
More than possible, Robin.
Too bad we have no proof.
Dear me, yes. And if you were to pounce on the blighter
you lay yourself open to a most damaging suit for false arrest.
Gosh! He's got us buffaloed.
Not quite, Robin.
I've a plan to get...that proof.
Listen.
Here's what we will do.
[frustrated groaning]
Infuriating.
Here, I am on the brink of the greatest
caper in criminal history
and the dynamic duo still at large.
[bell rings]
I must be dreaming.
It's look like millionaire Bruce Wayne.
- What? - I'm sure of it, Joker.
I've seen his picture in the paper hundreds of times.
Robots, amber alert.
I'm ruined...bankrupt..
...wiped out.
There's only one more chance.
Oh, excuse me, Mr. Whiteface. I fail to introduce myself.
- I'm Mr. Bruce Wayne. - Oh, at your service, sir.
Thank you. How do you do?
I hardly...dare ask it, Mr. Whiteface
but do you know anyone who could print me up..
...a batch of counterfeit currency?
Ooh, what a curious request to make
of a legitimate businessman such as myself.
Yes, I know. It does seem a bit odd.
But you see
I foolishly succumbed to the temptation of speculation
'with the funds of the Wayne foundation'
'The results were catastrophic.'
'Tomorrow is the annual accounting.'
And if I don't have one million dollars in cash..
...I will be headed up the river..
without a paddle.
Well, uh, very interesting, Mr. Wayne, but uh..
...why do you come to me?
I chanced to be thumbing through one of the comic books
that you publish, and it struck my eye
that the inks that you use are identical to the inks
used by the United States treasury.
What do you think, sweet Josie?
- Smells like a trap, Joker. - Indeed.
On the other hand, the fellow's tale is so utterly absurd
that it could be true.
Uh...just for fun, Mr-Mr. Wayne..
...supposing I did provide you with this, uh
whimsical funny money..
[laughing]
...uh, just what would be in it for me?
I would be happy to appoint you vice-chairman
'of The Gotham National Bank.'
Oh, dear me, yes.
Oh, that does appeal to my notorious sense of humor.
Ooh, vice-chairman of the board of the Gotham National Bank!
Ooh!
[laughing maniacally]
Yes! Ooh!
I have here a personally signed document..
...appointing you to the position
'I previously mentioned.'
But, before I give it to you
I require proof that you'll deliver your end
of this unhappy bargain.
Proof?
To wit.
You get the document after you run off a sample
of counterfeit on your press over there.
[intense music]
Josie, ink the rollers. I'll get the paper!
Yes.
[laughing maniacally]
[transmitter beeps]
- Ready to roll! - Bingo!
Hold it, Joker!
You're under arrest!
Great Scott!
It's the junior half of the Dynamic Duo.
Robin to Batman.
'While on a routine anti-crime patrol'
'I've caught the joker. He's plotting with Bruce Wayne.'
Situation under control.
No need for you to leave the Batcave, over and out.
Is that so, Boy Wonder?
Robots, give him a whimsical whammy!
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
Oh, things look grim for our side, Mr. Whiteface.
Perhaps I should lend them a hand.
You idiot. You're only getting in the way.
[Joker laughing]
Oh, how delicious!
The Boy Wonder about to be pressed flat into a comic book.
Observe.
Mr. Whiteface, this is murder.
Well, how true, Mr. Wayne.
Yes, and just to ensure against a double-cross
you will perform it.
Never.
Boff, Yock, seize him.
Yes, force his hand on the lever.
Gosh, what an ugly twist of fate.
Indignity of indignities!
Robin printed into a comic book!
Bruce Wayne, his old chum's killer?
For the crushing finale, tune in tomorrow!
Same Bat-time, Same Bat-channel!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na na ¶
¶ Batman