¶ Batman
When last we saw, our beleaguered battlers
they were slowly sinking
in a bitter batter of Riddler quicksand.
A grim and gritty end awaits them
unless something awfully good happens awfully fast.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
Holy Titanic, Batman, we're going down for the last time.
Don't be a pessimist, Robin.
Many of those who survived that tragedy did so by remaining
calm on treading water until help arrived.
But this is quicksand.
I know, Robin
but I seem to recall a recent report on Jungle Survival
which indicated that many victims of quicksand are victims
because of their own panic.
It's not doing a lot for my nerves either.
The specific gravity of quicksand approximates
that of water. If we remain calm and motionless
we shouldn't sink much further than your lower lip.
- It's working, Batman. - Yes.
One thing worries me though, how long can we keep floating.
We won't have to float long, old chum.
If our experimental heel-and-toe Bat-rockets
perform as well as they should.
Experimental heel-and-toe Bat-rockets?
They haven't been tested yet.
Let's not put off till tomorrow what we can do today, Robin.
As I begin the countdown, slowly reach
for the heal and toe Bat-rocket controls in your utility belt.
Remember, any sudden movement, will disturb our equilibrium
'and we can't afford to sink much further.'
Now, on the count of zero, activate your Bat-rockets.
Roger.
zero minus five..
...zero minus four..
...zero minus three..
...zero minus two..
...zero minus one..
...zero.
Later, at The Riddler's hideout in the soon to be opened
Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory
the magic of electronics provides The Riddler
and his band of malevolent yeoman
with a fascinating account of their latest criminal coup.
[instrumental music]
(man on TV) 'All of Gotham City is aghast today'
'at the daring daylight robbery in Gotham City Square Park.'
In which, one million dollars of charity funds accumulated
in Batman's honor, was snatched from the hands of the poor
by the light-fingered Riddler.
Light-fingered.
Yes, that's what I am.
Light-fingered, nimble, quick, wonderful.
(man on TV) 'In a joint statement, issued just minutes ago'
'Commissioner Gordon and Batman and Robin'
promised an intensified search
for the perpetrators of this shameless crime
'and the speedy recovery of the charity funds.'
The following riddle, left at the scene of the crime
provides their only clue.
"When is an eagle's nest blessed best?"
[intense music]
That mealy-mouthed faker
issued a joint statement with Batman and Robin, did he?
Well, he knows and we know
that the Caked Crusaders are defunct
departed, demised...dead!
What if he isn't lying?
- What if Batman and Robin are-- - Alive?
Impossible, dear Anna Gram.
Even if it were possible, it couldn't matter less.
One more cunning caper and I'll have the price
of Professor Charm's demolecularizer.
Then, let them send a regiment of Batman against me.
When is an eagle's nest, blessed best?
Seems to me that any nest is most blessed
when there're little ones in it.
- Yes. - Or nest eggs.
Riddler's after a nest egg.
Which leaves me to speculate that he intends to strike
an eagle's nest somewhere here in Gotham City.
- Do you agree, Robin? - I agree.
But, there hasn't been an eagle in Gotham City in 75 years
e-except in a zoo.
Perhaps not, Chief O'Hara, but I know of at least
one eagle's nest.
Where's that, Batman?
A nightclub.
High atop the Gotham City State Building
known as The Eyrie.
Of course, The Eyrie or eagle's nest.
A favorite watering place for Gotham City's elite.
And a perfect target for an aquiline attack.
Aquiline.
That's a very descriptive word, Commissioner Gordon.
Are you acquainted with the terminology, Robin?
Aquiline, of or like an eagle
from aquila, Latin for eagle.
Yes.
And what, Latin eagle now lives
resides or nests here in Gotham City?
Anthony Aquilo, the exile dictator from South America.
And a multi-millionaire who's rumored to keep at least
one million dollars in cash in his wall safe at all times.
That must be it, Batman.
How could The Riddler resist such a treasure?
There's treasure at both ends of the rainbow, commissioner.
While Robin and I dash
to Anthony Aquilo's palatial penthouse apartment
you and your men, in blue, protect the area.
An ingenious tactic.
Thank you, commissioner
and good luck to all of us.
Meanwhile, in Anthony Aquilo's palatial penthouse reproduction
of his former plantation home
The Riddler and his bearers lurk in the underbrush.
Haa-ha-ha, there it is, you near-sighted nitwits
the answer to a hard-heart's dream.
Don't stand there staring at it, the loot sack, please.
Fill it, quickly.
(Batman) 'Riddler, come out of the bush and surrender.'
As a duly deputized peace officer, I order you to drop
that sack, and give yourself up.
Impossible!
Fifteen feet of lethal quicksand.
They sure don't look defunct to me, Riddler.
Or demised, departed, and dead.
How?
(Riddler) 'How did they survive?'
Right was on our side, that's how.
Get them.
[intense music]
The loot sack, Riddler.
And then we'll talk about the money
you took from the poor and needy.
No, we don't, Boy Wonder.
Because you and your deputized friend
are gonna watch me walk out of here.
Follow me, then I'll show you why.
At ease, old chum, I suspect
'Riddler's prisoner is Senor Aquila himself.'
Brilliant deduction, hold this.
Yes, the eagle himself caged like a big bird
and, Batman, his life is in your hands. Thank you.
I prepared this tricky cage, in case the news report was true
and you two showed up.
In mere moments, an explosive charge inside
that ticking green box, will send Senor Aquila
and his palatial penthouse
higher than any eagle has ever flown.
Unless?
Unless you and, uh, junior here unlock the secret
to these baffling bars and disarm the bomb inside.
Well, adios amigos.
Better get to work. Ta-ta, huh?
Are we gonna let them walk out just like that?
We have no choice.
Senor Aquila has many friends in his home
and we cannot risk an international incident.
I suppose you're right.
This particular puzzle case doesn't seem to conform
to the usual puzzle cage pattern.
Some of the medieval puzzle cages were designed
so that all the intersecting rods were dependent
upon the axis of only one supporting rod.
Disengaging that one rod..
...unlocks the entire cage.
Stand clear, Robin.
Curious, but decidedly an explosive.
"To whom it may concern."
"If the tail fits, wear it."
There you are, professor. Three million dollars.
I must admit, Mr. Riddler, you are a man of your word.
Where do we go to pick up the demolecularizer?
Oh, I have it with me at all times.
- This is the demolecularizer? - Mm-hm.
You want me to pay three million dollars
for an 89 cent pencil flashlight?
That "89 cents pencil flashlight"
as you call it, Mr. Riddler
is in reality a highly sophisticated weapon
'which took a life time to develop.'
Powerful enough to disrupt
the molecular structure of matter
yet so simply designed that it can be recharged
by plugging it in any household electrical outlet.
How does it work?
Um.
Watch that, uh, green derby
'on the chair over there.'
[demolecularizer buzzing]
It's good.
It disappeared.
That thing really works.
As I said it would.
Make it come back now.
That isn't yet possible.
I haven't even begun work on the molecular restorer
for lack of funds.
Well, now you have three million dollars..
...and I have Gotham City
right by the throat.
Get Commissioner Gordon on the phone.
He should be the first to know.
[laughs]
[instrumental music]
Another crisis, commissioner?
A rather enigmatic phone call from The Riddler.
He suggested that we keep
our eye on Marshall Coley's statue.
Do you think he'd dare desecrate the statue
of our revered war hero, right here in Coley Square?
(Batman) 'A life of crime is more in The Riddler's
moral fiber to a frayed strand, commissioner.
He may have little respect
for the memory of the great Marshall Coley.
This could be another of Riddler's ruses.
Quite true, Robin.
Holy Houdini!
(Commissioner) 'Great slithering snakes!'
'The marshal, he's gone.'
Uncanny.
Careful, Chief O'Hara, whatever, unknown force
was employed in dematerializing Marshall Coley's statue
may have left a contaminating residue on the pedestal.
Begorrah, you're right. Thanks, Caped Crusader.
Someone here called Batman?
Yes, I'm Batman.
Telegram.
Another Riddler-gram.
It's an ultimatum.
Unless Gotham City is declared an open city
and all criminal statutes rescinded within two hours..
...Police Headquarters will disappear as surely
and as quickly as Marshall Coley's statue.
That swaggerin' peacock!
Oh, he's only bluffin'.
(Gordon) 'I'm afraid not, chief.'
Listen to this.
"If the city fathers refuse to capitulate
"that the police headquarters is gone
"building after building will disappear.
Until they do."
To confound us further the telegram ends with a riddle.
"What is it that travels on all fours in the morning
"and two legs at noon and three at twilight?
If you intend to follow me, add the answer to the other three."
What can we do, Batman?
It saddens me, commissioner, but..
I just don't know.
[instrumental music]
Gosh, Batman, I'm sure hung up on this riddle.
I'll help you just as soon as I collate these figures
from the remote Bat-computer.
Now, if my original premise was correct
and that machine has done a man's job.
Man's job?
Man's job!
Man!
That's it, Batman!
Man travels on all fours in the morning
of his life, or as an infant.
And on two legs at noon or as an adult.
And with a cane or three legs in the twilight of his life.
(Batman) 'Congratulations, Robin. Now's let's concentrate'
on the last part of Riddler's challenge.
If you intend to follow me, add the answer to the other three.
Select the key words from each of the first three riddles.
Page, banquet
eagle's nest and man.
For instance, the letter "P" in the word "Page"
is the 16th letter in the alphabet.
Using numerical positions in the alphabet as a common denominator
we then add the number
two for "banquet" and five for "eagles"
and thirteen for "man".
And the total?
- Thirty six. - Thirty six.
Thirty six inches in a yard or three feet.
And who has three feet? You?
No one.
Or no man.
I seem to recall a recent announcements
of a factory opening by that name.
Robin, activate remote Bat-computer again.
[beeping]
Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory
on the corner of Shady Glade and fifth.
Excellent.
- Commissioner? - Yes, Batman.
Could you arrange for the immediate delivery
of four one hundred pound sacks of sodium dichlorite
to the Bat-copter? I'll explain later.
Consider it done. Anything else?
Yes, do not..
I repeat do not capitulate to any of Riddler's demands
until you hear from me under any circumstances.
You have my word on that too, Batman.
Good.
What are we going to do with four one hundred pound sacks
of sodium dichlorite, Batman?
Checkmate Riddler! Hopefully.
While the Caped Crusaders race against approaching doom
their impatient adversary frets away the remaining minutes.
How can you lamebrains play cards at the time of this?
Gee, Riddler honey, what else is there to do?
Turn the television on.
That fat-headed police commissioner has little
less than half an hour before he starts looking
for new headquarters
Chief O'Hara, I'm Bud Furillo, the Gotham City Herald
is there anything I can tell my readers
about your investigation?
Well, we've moved every piece of furniture in this building.
We've looked under every rug but nothing could be found.
What is it that you and your elite squad are looking for?
Well, we don't exactly know
'but will keep looking till the very last second.'
(Bud) 'Thank you, chief.'
Poor Chief O'Hara, knocking himself out, looking all over
the building for a demolecularizer
when its hidden right there in the commissioner's office.
- It is? - When did you do that?
On my way back from Marshall Coley Square
I plugged it into an ordinary electrical outlet behind
the Commissioner's couch.
If the commissioner follows my instructions
and issues a capitulation proclamation
at precisely 4:55 pm, I'll call him and tell him
how to deactivate the automatic trigger.
- How? - Simple.
Turn the wall switch to the off position.
[laughing]
Meanwhile, the Dynamic Duo wings across the city
with their cargo of sodium dichlorite.
[intense music]
(man on TV) 'The moment is almost at hand now'
'when the city must announce its decision.'
Capitulation will amount to official sanction
of wanton lawlessness.
Standing fast will prompt unholy destruction.
We understand that Commissioner Gordon
has refused to leave the building.
Wonderful! Let him go down with his building.
[laughing]
There is very good time left now.
[instrumental music]
No time to use the stairs. we'll have to try the Bat-rope.
Stand clear.
(Man on TV) 'Our telephoto lens is providing the view of police headquarters'
'which you see on your screen.'
'Except for Commissioner Gordon'
'Chief O'Hara and his elite bomb squad, the building is empty.'
All we can do is watch and wait.
Watch and wait, Gotham City! There's more to come.
As the seconds tick away, the clouds above
police headquarters seem to be darkening
as though a storm were imminent.
(man on TV) 'Just five seconds to go.'
'Four..'
'...three..'
'...two, one.'
[thunder rumbling]
What happened?
The demolecularizer.
It didn't work.
I knew it was a cheap flashlight.
Flashlight. Flashlight!
Try again, Riddler.
Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with electricity?
You two. How did you do it?
The super charge electrical power of that lightning bolt
neutralized the effect of your fiendish weapon.
How did you know the lightning would strike at the right time?
We arranged for it.
Cloud seeding with 400 pounds of sodium dichlorite
fortunately my calculations proved correct.
As usual your riddles led us right to you.
You've made the mistake of being predictable yourselves
with your legendary window entrances.
Riddle me this.
When is a floor like a puzzle?
[beeps]
[instrumental music]
[groaning]
Help, Batman!
[music continues]
[beeping]
Oh.
Nice catch, chief.
Let go of me, you blue coated baboon!
I'll bet she's the toughest one of the bunch!
She's the only one still kicking.
[screaming]
Coming forward voluntarily with this stolen charity money
you should tip the scales of justice
in your favor, professor.
No man can live with the wails of hungry children
on his conscience.
Professor, when you paid your debt to society
you'll be able to continue your scientific studies
under the wing of the Gotham City Science Institute.
I don't know how to thank you, Batman
for arranging my membership.
You can thank our friend Bruce Wayne.
(Batman) 'Mr. Wayne persuaded the membership'
to lower the customary educational requirements.
Robin, we should take this money to the Wayne Foundation
before they close the business hours.
Roger!
Amazing man!
Do you know who is under that mask of his?
To ask, professor, who he is
is nowhere near as important as where he is..
...at all times.
Next week, Cesar Romero returns as The Joker.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman