¶ Batman
(male narrator) Gotham City, a glistening jewel in a sun-filled landscape
on a day when all seems right with the word
but in stately Wayne Manor
some of life's answers still prove elusive.
Gosh, Bruce, I'm not really sure how important it is to know
the maximum number of pieces a pie will yield after six cuts.
Well, if you had a house full of guests
and only one pie, you'd find it was important.
The trick to this pie puzzle Dick
is to discover a rule that will give you the maximum
number of pieces for any...given...number of cuts.
Now, notice. Thank you.
Cut number one yields two pieces.
Right.
Cut number two yields four pieces.
Right.
Do you detect any pattern yet, Dick?
It looks as if each cut
adds a number of pieces that is always equal
to the number of the cut.
Bravo, Dick, I think you're beginning to get it.
'As long as each cut intersects the lines of the previous cut'
that rule should hold true.
Now, if we draw the next line...in that manner
and count the pieces I'm sure you'll find they'll total seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Seven! Right again, Bruce.
Ahem. The Bat-phone, sir.
Thank you, Alfred.
Here, Aunt Harriet, see how many pieces you can get out of this.
Oh, Alfred, I'm certainly glad I have you.
Thank you, madam. Always happy to be of service.
Yes, commissioner.
A very serious situation has arisen, Batman.
'What, commissioner?'
Well, for once, I'm afraid it's of such vital importance
and might have such far reaching consequences
I think we should not even discuss it over the Bat-phone.
That bad, commissioner?
'That bad or worse.'
- Right away, commissioner. - No! No, Batman, wait.
I don't even want us to meet in my office.
Now, if you'll go directly to the Gotham Plaza Hotel
I'll explain further.
- Right. - Holy Cryptology!
- What was all that about? - I don't know, Dick.
The commissioner is not given to unnecessary alarm.
To the Bat-poles.
[theme music]
Chief.
You're just in time, Caped Crusader.
Right on the button. Saints be praised.
Better three hours too soon than a minute late.
Now, what's the crisis, commissioner?
Uh..
...step into the Petit Ballroom.
[all singing] ¶ Happy anniversary to you
¶ Happy anniversary dear Batman ¶
¶ Happy anniversary to you
[all cheering]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
[instrumental "Happy Birthday"]
Ladies and gentlemen
distinguished guests
Batman and Robin.
As mayor of Gotham City, it is my privilege
to have officiated this luncheon.
One of many to commemorate a day
cherished in the hearts of all Gothamites.
A day when a man, known only as Batman
donned a cape and cowl for the first time
'and appeared in our midst to preserve law and order.'
In appreciation of all the Caped Crusader
has done for our community
members of the Gotham City Dairymen's League
have donated $200,000.
Enough new bills, as a matter of fact
to fill a golden calf.
The proceeds from this luncheon
'and others in your honor will be donated'
'to your favorite charity, Batman.'
Ms. Anna Gram, milkmaid of the month
will make the presentation.
The calf, please.
- Speech! Speech! - Right, speech!
Speech!
Thank you.
Mayor Linseed, good citizens of Gotham City
I can only state humbly
that this is perhaps my finest moment..
[explosions]
[all clamoring]
[coughing]
Citizens, stay calm!
Make your way to the exits slowly.
Batman, look, the window.
The fire department is here already.
That's what I call fast action.
Almost too fast, Robin.
Have you noticed the lack of flame in this room
and that curious green smoke?
Batman, the firemen are leaving with the golden calf.
Not firemen, Robin.
The thieves who staged this flame-less inferno.
Let's get them!
[all coughing]
Riddler?
Salutations and consolations, anniversary boy.
Riddler, that money is for charity!
I'll see that it gets into needy hands.
In the meantime, I suggest you look for an engaging page
to herald the next of my anniversary surprises.
Ta-ta!
(Robin) 'Holy trampoline!'
'Where did Riddler get a fire department rescue truck?'
It's not as important as where he's going with it.
To the Batmobile!
There's no need for axes, commissioner. There was no fire.
Merely a well-planned smokescreen
to hide the Riddler's theft of the golden calf.
That enigmatic egotist back to plague our fair city?
But not for long!
[tires screeching]
[siren blaring]
[tires screeching]
Holy fork in the road! Twin rescue trucks.
One vehicle is set on an evil course, Robin.
The other on an errand of mercy.
We can't risk stopping the wrong one.
Oh, luck is no lady today. That's for sure.
What generally comes to those who look for it, Robin?
Riddler rarely leaves anything to chance.
Paper, mister.
- Which paper is it? - Gotham City Herald.
Latest edition, ten cents. Want one or a bundle?
One, please.
Thanks, pally.
I know it's important to be well informed, Batman
but don't you think we should be doing something
about finding Riddler?
That's exactly what I'm doing.
He suggested we look for an engaging page
'to herald the next of his anniversary surprises.'
Right.
What would you call the puzzle page
of the Gotham City Herald?
An engaging page.
The clue must be somewhere in that puzzle.
Precisely, Robin.
And since the Gotham City Herald also publishes a morning edition
with this puzzle he would've had time to design
his crime with this puzzle in mind.
What are we waiting for? Let's solve that puzzle!
To the Bat-cave.
Meanwhile, in his hideout
in the soon to be opened Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory
the prince of puzzlers coaxes his cohorts
in a chorus of praise.
Tell me again, you cringing knaves
am I not the king?
(all) You are the king, Riddler.
King. King. King.
Breathes there another mortal who's absconded
with the $200,000 anniversary present
from under the cowl of the Caped Crusader?
(all) No, Riddler, no one.
And who else would be clever enough
to turn in a false fire alarm?
So the real rescue truck would run interference for my escape.
What a marvelous piece of riddling genius that was.
But I've only started with the Caped Crusaders.
I'm going to confound them with conundrums
unnerve them with enigmas, perplex them with puzzles
until they wish they were dead.
And then what, Riddler?
Then, my jigsaw jackanapes..
...then I'll grant their wish.
[all laughing]
Alright, knaves, follow me.
We have work to do.
Get into these, quickly.
Gee, I wish I were going with you, Riddler.
Your part in our plan is critical, dear Anna Gram.
Do it well, and you can help us strike our next blow.
Where are we going anyway?
We are going...to the banquet.
So far this puzzle's given us a few minutes of mental exercise
but it still has to provide us
with the clue Riddler promised it would provide.
Well, we've been studying this puzzle as a puzzle.
I keep thinking about the way you worked out that pie puzzle.
You mean inductively?
Right.
Across one, a water utensil. Answer, basin.
'Down one, a formal dinner. Answer, banquet.'
Down three, a public way. Answer, street.
- Down four-- - Wait a minute, Robin.
The Sons of Balboa..
...are having a banquet at the Basin Street Hotel.
And they filled a Spanish chest with a $100,000 worth
of gold doubloons to contribute to your favorite charity.
A tempting treasure for that pirate Riddler.
[Bat-phone beeping]
The Bat-phone.
What is it, commissioner?
An alarming incident in our financial district, Batman.
A water main under Matron Lane has burst
and flooded the underground vault of the Gotham City Bank.
A flooded vault.
Or a flooded bank.
A bank-wet, Batman.
Commissioner, muster your forces at the Basin Street Hotel
and guard against criminal activity at the banquet
being given there by the Sons of Balboa.
Robin and I will race to the city bank.
We'll be there in a trice.
No doubt Riddler intended to divert us to the wrong banquet.
While he and his vultures no doubt
picked the vault clean at the Gotham City Bank.
But under water?
No doubt a wily ruse of some kind.
We'll need our Bat-respirators.
To the Bat-mobile.
While the champions of justice raced to the Gotham City bank
the Riddler and his frogmen are already at work
in its watery vault room
flooded per their wily ruse to keep from being followed.
[explosion]
Worked like a charm, Riddler.
Why not? There's a difference between a Batman and a frogman.
One quick stop, and then let's go dry our money.
Another bulletin from Riddler?
I'm afraid so, Robin.
And look at this.
Only the Riddler and his ilk would have
such a flagrant disregard for private property.
This door will have to be repaired.
Not to mention the fortune he stole from the vault.
What does that giggling gorilla have to say this time?
Another one of his canny conundrums.
When is a man drowned
but still not wet?
Back in the Soon To Be Opened Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory
the prince of puzzlers tallies his ill gotten gains.
One million five hundred thousand.
One million five hundred thousand and one.
A million and a half bucks.
I never thought I'd see that much loot at one time.
Yeah, that's sure a lot of damp dust.
It's only half of what we need.
Well, it's plenty for us, Riddler.
You, shallow-brained simpletons. Where's your imagination?
Your ambition?
Why do I have to keep reminding you?
Three million dollars will buy us a weapon so awesome
so destructive, so terrifying, that Gotham City fathers
will get down on their miserable knees
and offer me anything not to use it.
The entire city will be mine. Mine! Mine!
I suppose Batman and Robin
are just gonna fold up their capes and retire.
Yeah, what about them, Riddler?
The Caped Crusaders will be
wherever it is Caped Crusaders go..
...when they're dead.
That is if you two lackwits haven't bungled your assignment.
- We did just what you told us. - Without a hitch.
Alright. Alright.
[alarm ringing]
Professor Avery Evans Charm. Genius, my friend.
An awkward contrivance. I congratulate you.
A mere toy compared to some of your devices, professor.
Is your fund raising campaign going well, Mr. Riddler?
See for yourself.
Beautiful.
I'll say.
One million five hundred thousand.
And one.
I can't wait to put my demoleculerizer in your hands
and watch the members
of the Gotham City Science Institute
quake at my handiwork.
They still won't let you join, professor?
I'm a high-school dropout.
So am I.
Oh.
When will you have the $3 million dollars?
(Riddler) 'You won't be waiting long, professor.'
Ere set of sun all Batman's anniversary money
will be in these two hands.
And the masked man-hunters just an unpleasant memory.
[laughing]
When is a man drowned, but still not wet?
Unaware of the ghastly fate that awaits them
the Caped Crusaders struggle valiantly to solve
the Riddler's latest conundrum.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
I'm beginning to think this riddle doesn't have an answer.
You maybe onto something, Robin.
There is a tack we haven't tried yet.
- Uh, begging your pardon, sir. - Yes, Alfred.
Uh, forgive me for interrupting your celebration, sir
but I felt that I ought to remind you
of your appointment at the bakery.
- Bakery? - 'Yes, sir.'
'I understand that the Gotham City Bakers Guild'
has prepared a rather unique cake in your honor
and wishes you and Master Robin to pose
for the sculptured marshmallow figures of yourselves
which will top the confection.
How could I have forgotten? Thank you, Alfred.
My pleasure, sir.
Let's go, Robin.
We'll continue our attempts
to fathom Riddler's cryptogram while posing.
Right. Change of scenery may turn the trick.
Now, that's what I call a cake.
Yes, it is rather...formidable, isn't it?
Batman. Robin.
Gee, it sure was decent of you fellows to come all the way
down here to pose for your marshmallow statues.
- We're flattered we were asked. - Oh, it was nothing.
I know you're probably in a rush to get to Gotham Square Park
so I'll be just as fast as I can.
All you've to do is go up to the top of the cake
and you stand in the center with your hand at your sides.
It doesn't take long to carve marshmallows.
That's the second appointment we have forgotten today, Robin.
The final ceremony at Gotham Square Park
in which all the funds accumulated in our honor
will be turned over to our favorite charity.
Riddler's latest brain twister has us both dizzy.
Breathe deeply.
Perhaps a breath of fresh air will clear our minds.
[breathing deeply]
Here we go, Batman.
We're sinking, Batman.
Congratulations, Bat-brain.
You've risen to the occasion.
I can't get my feet out. It's like quicksand
It is quicksand, Robin.
Riddler's own prepared mix cleverly disguised
as strawberry icing.
That's right. Sinking sap quicksand, 15 feet of it.
Call it an anniversary present.
That scurvy fiend.
Sorry I can't stay around
to see you descend into oblivion, pastry faces.
'Well, I have an appointment to keep with some money'
'at Gotham Square Park.'
¶ Happy anniversary to you
[all singing] ¶ Happy anniversary to you
¶ Happy anniversary dear Batman ¶
Cha-cha.
¶ Happy anniversary to you
[all laughing]
I did think it would all end differently
somehow less ignominiously.
To drown in my own anniversary cake.
Drown? What in quicksand?
Yes, old chum.
Death in quicksand is technically drowning.
- That's it, Batman. - 'What, Robin?'
The answer to the riddle.
When is a man drowned, but still not wet?
We'll be drowned, but in quicksand, so we won't get wet.
Excellent. You've done it again.
Mm. Lot of good it'll do us now though.
Can this be true?
Batman and Robin caught in a quicksand cake-mix?
Is the party really over?
Will "Happy Anniversary" be an epitaph for the Dynamic Duo?
To see if they sink or swim
tune in tomorrow.
Same Bat-time
same Bat-channel.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na
¶ Batman