¶ Batman
(male narrator) When whilst we saw the Dynamic Duo
they were in The Penguin's catapult
about to be launched over Gotham City
and land like a pair of squashed tomatoes
with Penguin's cameras set to record their horrible death.
We'll back in 60 seconds with the smashing climax.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
Holy cliffhangers, Batman.
Aren't you gonna try to get loose?
What's the cube root of Pi, Robin?
At a time like this?
Never mind, I just remembered it.
'What are you doing?'
We're about to be launched across Gotham City.
Exactly, Robin. I'm computing our trajectory.
According to my computations, we should land about 30 yards
south of the intersection of Mulberry and the Seventh Street.
And only the blotter to soak up our remains.
As you'll recall, Robin
I spent last week testing the remote control unit
in the Batmobile.
Do you still have that gadget strapped to your wrist?
Fortunately, yes, I forgot to give it the acid test.
[dramatic music]
I've started it.
Now to program it to proceed to Mulberry and Seventh Street.
(both) 30 yards south.
Hurry, Batman, in few seconds we'll be in mid-air!
That's it, Robin.
Now, let's hope..
...the Batmobile will get there..
...before we do.
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
Holy zaborid, Batman. It's raining down there.
[music continues]
[tires screeching]
All that time we spent on the remote control activator
really reaped dividends, Robin.
I'll say, Batman, remind me to give the Batmobile
an extra quart of oil next time.
We have to get our hands on a certain oily bird.
We should see Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara at once.
[dramatic music]
[tires screeching]
The nerve of that vulture.
We'll catapult him right behind bars where he belongs.
We'll put him there eventually, Chief O'Hara
but not just yet.
Not yet?
He tried to smash the two of you like a pair of ripe tomatoes.
(Batman) 'Unfortunately, he still has'
'the museum's priceless chainmail armor.'
Made in the 15th century by the great Bienvenuto Violini
out of a special alloy he also invented.
Batman is right, Chief O'Hara.
If we put Penguin behind bars now
we'll never see that armor again.
And it could be hidden in a thousand places.
How are we going to find it?
'I'm not so sure that stealing the armor'
'is Penguin's overall plan, commissioner.'
It could be just a side caper.
I think the first step might be for Robin and me
to resume our acting careers.
You mean back to lights, camera, action?
Exactly, Robin.
That way we can get a clue
as to where Penguin stashed the armor.
He'll be suspicious, Batman.
'I hope he is, Chief O'Hara.'
Suspicion often provides...surprises.
And so, my caped canaries
you have survived your little flight through space
'and now you'd like to rejoin my film company, huh?'
[Penguin quacking]
Do you take me for a fool?
We're willing to forgive and forget, Penguin
and help you finish the film.
You don't fool me, dynamic double-talker.
There's some hideously honest motive behind all this.
You're trying to trick me?
Quack! Out of my office. Quick. Out, out!
I'm sorry you feel that way, Penguin.
'If you're not out of my office in 10 seconds'
I'll call my bouncers, and you'll really know how I feel.
Move, move!
'And keep moving, you cupcake crusaders.'
'You dynamic dingbats.'
Move, and stay out!
[dramatic music]
This is terrible, Robin.
I don't know what I'll do now.
You'll get over it, Batman.
No, I won't.
Old chum, I've been bitten by the bug.
- Showbiz? - Yes.
Yes, it's in my blood now.
'I wanna get in front of those cameras.'
'I wanna see my name in lights.'
Batman.
Headlines in the movie trade papers.
'Big premieres, Academy Awards..'
I'm afraid I've got it bad, Robin baby.
The smell of the grease paint, the roar of the crowd..
'I'd do anything to get back in front of those cameras.'
Oh, the Batman has show business in his blood, huh?
A beautiful chance to bait those two pigeons
in a Penguin pie.
[dramatic music]
Now watch things, Mac.
[music continues]
I've changed my mind, Batman.
I've decided you can act in my film after all.
You'll never know how much I appreciate this.
It's nothing. I was once a struggling young actor myself.
Here's the second part of the script.
Look it over carefully.
- Penguin.. - Huh?
...I'll never forget this.
I'll say you won't.
[instrumental music]
Meanwhile, in an isolated section of Gotham Central Park
Marsha and her Aunt Hilda are looking for elderly toads
for Aunt Hilda's evil potion.
Aunt Hilda, what's wrong with that one?
'He's too young, dearie.'
My potion requires a very old toad.
How could you tell their age anyway?
There are ways, dearie. There are ways.
Well, how long are we going to have to wait?
'Last time I waited two weeks.'
Oh, that's just dandy.
Have you ever considered knitting, dearie?
Wonderful pastime.
Perhaps you should try and knit us a few old toads, darling.
[intense music]
[tires screeching]
[music continues]
A great acting job, Batman.
You could run for senator, or governor.
Thank you, Robin.
Who knows? Perhaps I do have a little touch
of show business in my blood.
Holy history. Penguin's gone from Rome to the middle ages.
The second part of the script is set in medieval England.
It doesn't surprise me, Robin.
Criminal mind is characteristically
erratic and unstable.
And gullible. He fell for that act of yours
hook, line and sinker.
Needless to say, old chum
I don't like having to resort too such mendacity.
But considering the circumstances
I think it was justified.
And considering we still don't know his plan.
Precisely.
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
Ha ha ha! That's right, Batman.
You stick with me, I'll make a star out of you.
Don't worry...Penguin.
I'll stick with you, alright.
[laughing]
These suits aren't part of the museum collection are they?
No, Robin. This is quite ordinary armor.
All set?
Ready when you give the word, Pengy.
Consider it given.
I sure don't like being in this thing.
I can hardly move.
'Nor can I, Robin.'
But we must make Penguin think we're cooperating.
At least until we get some hints
as to where he's hidden the museum armor.
And this kind of risk is part of our job
as crime fighters.
Batman and Robin.
We're all ready. Come here.
[music continues]
[laughing]
It's a magnet, Batman.
Try to wrench yourself free, Robin.
Don't bother, Batman.
That magnet has a 2 ton pull.
It'll take a locomotive to wrench you free.
You underhanded weasel!
Thanks for the compliment, boy bigmouth.
Alright, men, hoist away.
Well, Batman, you said you wanted to stick with me
'and I've arranged to have you stuck.'
I've also arranged to have you demolished later.
But right now, I have an appointment
with General McGruder at the Hexagon.
'It seems the general also has the yen to be a movie actor.'
Would you like to see that priceless armor?
Would you like that, huh?
Alright, front and forward..
[Penguin laughing]
'My own armor division.'
'Von Pengy's Blitzkrieg.'
Just wait 'til I get through
with those armchair generals at the Hexagon.
Forward march.
One, two, three, four.
'One, two, three, quack, quack..'
Holy catastrophes, Batman!
I'd sooner see the Russians in the Hexagon than Penguin.
We must stop him, Robin.
The generals at the Hexagon
are capable men but they're trained in open warfare
not the devious kind that Penguin practices.
See if you can find some kind of
loose joint or...fitting.
We must get out of these things.
[dramatic music]
The army is always happy to cooperate
with the motion picture industry, Mr. Penguin.
Always happy.
The Penguin is always happy to cooperate with the army
General McGruder. It's a pleasure.
You, uh, did say that there might be
a little part in the picture for me.
A little part, sir?
For a man of your acting ability there is a colossal part.
It is two lines longer than Hamlet, sir.
Hamlet? Well..
Then you do think I have some acting ability, huh?
I think all generals do, sir.
I think it's part of their equipment. Like, uh..
...like gills on a fish.
- 'Agreed?' - True.
'If I may say so, sir'
I think you have far more than the average.
Ability, sir, not gills.
[both laughing]
I'm glad to hear you say that, Mr. Penguin.
You see, I'm due to retire next year and..
Next year? Would you turn your head to one side, please.
- 'Huh?' - Just turn your head a little.
Oh, oh.
'Oh, that is magnificent. That profile.'
Tsk tsk. I'm sure, sir, as an army man you understand
the importance of winning battles.
'Well, in Hollywood, sir, a profile like yours'
is half the battle.
So when you retire do not sign with anybody else.
Because Penguin productions is prepared to offer you
an exclusive five year contract. Agreed?
You have my word on it, Mr. Penguin.
Good. If you don't mind I have to get on with my film.
I have a very tight shooting schedule, sir.
Major Beasley.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Penguin is shooting a very important film.
'I want you to give him your utmost cooperation.'
Of course, sir.
(Penguin) 'If you two gentlemen have no objection'
I'd like to shoot the first scene in room X.
Room X. But, sir Room X is--
- That chin! - What?
You see that chin, general?
It is magnificent.
Ha!
It works from either side.
Now tell me..
- When do you retire, major? - In about five years, why?
I want you to promise me not to sign with any other producer.
'Because Penguin Productions is willing to offer you'
an exclusive five year contract.
Oh, my goodness..
I thought you were going to sign me
to a five year contract.
Did I say that, general?
- Yes. - 'I must be out of my mind.'
We want you for a ten year contract.
Now, about Room X..
I, uh, think that might be arranged. Huh, major?
Oh, yes, sir. Of course, sir. Oh, I agree, sir.
I knew it. I knew the army would never let me down.
[instrumental music]
Well, from the way you two gentlemen talked
I thought this room would be full of top secrets.
It looks like a perfectly ordinary room to me.
Oh, it's quite ordinary, sir.
But Room X connects with Room Y.
And Room Y connects with Room Z.
And inside Room Z, we have--
- I think that's enough, major. - Yes, sir. Sorry about that.
Alright, I better get started. May I call my finks...
I mean my crew in now?
Why, certainly, certainly.
Alright crew, come on in.
[dramatic music]
I-I don't understand this, Mr. Penguin.
Sorry, general, that's show business.
Alright, men, Room Z is the one we want.
Through that door.
(McGruder) 'Stop! Stop!'
They're heading for Room Z.
Beasley, call the cavalry.
Sir, we haven't had any cavalry since 1910.
No. Well, call the army.
- Yes, sir. - Sir, we are the army.
Well, get some men up here!
- Don't just stand there. - Yes, sir. Men, men. Men!
[dramatic music]
Room Z at last.
Watch the door, boys.
I'll find the little item we want.
Then we'll get out of here.
Remember the Alamo, McGruder. Remember Custer.
No, no, let's forget Custer.
Remember Grant, and Lee and Teddy Roosevelt
charging up San Juan Hill.
That's it. Remember Teddy Roosevelt.
Beasley, where are those men?
Right here, sir. Come on men, hurry.
Alright men, this is it.
Fix bayonets.
Now we're going to charge up that hill..
Through that door and capture the enemy.
Alright men? Charge!
[dramatic music]
'Fire if you must, men, but protect your leader.'
[gunfire]
Their chain armor seems to be impervious to our lead.
After them, men. Charge!
[dramatic music]
Gosh, Batman. There are no chinks in this armor.
No.
But I happened to find a loose fastening, Robin.
- You can get out of your suit? - No, Robin.
But remember this magnet is powered by electricity.
Phew. What good does that do us?
It depends on how good my aim is.
And whether someone left that empty lamp plugged in.
That's an impossible shot, Batman.
That's a negative attitude, Robin.
[intense music]
Holy bullseye, Batman!
[music continues]
Beautiful, Batman.
You shorted the fuse and cut off the power to the magnet.
No time to congratulate ourselves, Robin.
We must get down to the Hexagon.
In these things?
We can't waste precious minutes getting out of them.
[dramatic music]
Quack, quack, quack.
[engine revving]
Shoot for their tires.
[gunfire]
Well, they got away, sir.
We have no choice, Beasley.
- Call the air force. - Yes, sir.
Sir. Sir, I think we may have something
better than the air force.
[tires screeching]
The Dynamic Duo, thank heavens.
What are you doing in that armor, Batman?
It's a long story, major.
Never mind.
The Penguin penetrated Room Z
and made of with.. With who knows what.
Whatever it is, we'll do our best to get it back.
[dramatic music]
They may not be the air force, major
but they're the closest thing to it in Gotham City.
Yes, they are, sir.
[dramatic music]
Can we use the Bat-zooka, Batman?
I don't think we'll need it, Robin.
As usual, Penguin had overlooked a vital fact.
That truck he's driving is too light to support all that armor.
One more high-speed turn, and I'm sure his tires will go.
Lucky we have heavy duties in the Batmobile.
[dramatic music]
[tire exploding]
You were right, Batman.
That last turn flat one of Penguin's tires.
[music continues]
Through the alley..
[music continues]
Take this back to the hideout.
I'll hold off the cranky crusaders.
[music continues]
[laughing]
Now you're in the trash heap where you belong, dynamic dodos.
[music continues]
What's that mess?
Uh, it's just..
...pile of old junk.
Wait a minute.
What'll you charge me to haul that stuff away?
- Five bucks. - What'll you do with it?
Mash it up in a hydraulic press and sell it for scrap.
Ha ha ha! The scrap crusaders.
- What do you mean by that? - Never mind.
Here, here. Here's five buck.
I want you to haul that away.
Wait a minute, here's another five.
Mash it down hard, huh?
[metal clanking]
[engine revving]
[metal clanking]
[dramatic music]
The Dynamic Duo a pair of paper weights?
This time, the pressure is really on them!
Tune in tomorrow for the crushing finish!
Same bat-time, same bat-channel!
[theme music]