¶ Batman
(male narrator) An apparently peaceful day in Gotham City.
But, what is this?
An armored car hold up in broad day light?
Bash those cops.
Heist the cash.
Use your guns. I wanna hear some noise.
[tire screeching]
[gunshots]
We'll be a late for that lecture to the Crime Prevention League.
Sounds like we may pick-up new material for the lecture.
There's nothing like a little on-the-job research, ol' chum.
[engine revving]
Lift that loot and put that cash.
Get her out, hurry up.
We're supposed to be crooks, not a bunch of old women.
[intense music]
[tires screeching]
What are you Bardensky's doing here?
Just a little scholarly research, Penguin.
Stop.
Stop this outrageous intrusion.
[instrumental music]
Cease I say. Cease and desist.
Stop, you bumbling buffoons.
This is legal I tell you, it's legal.
Have you heard of any legalized thievery, Robin?
Can't say that I have, Batman.
(Penguin) 'I'll wipe those silly smirks of yours in court.'
I'll sue you for assault and battery
and aggravated interference.
You're witnessing the final disintegration
of the criminal brain, Robin.
Years of outlawry have taken the inevitable toll.
(Robin) 'But, he's right about our being in court, Batman.'
We'll be the prosecution star witnesses
when they try you for armed robbery.
Mother McCrae, what's happening?
Nothing now chief, lucky we're happening to be passing by.
Oh, no, Batman, it wasn't luck, it was tragedy.
Do your duty O'Hara, set the handcuffs on 'em.
They've attacked these innocent citizens.
Innocent citizens?
What's going on here, chief?
I'm afraid he's right, Batman, look around.
[instrumental music]
(Robin) 'Holy cinemascope.'
Penguin making pictures.
So, that robbery was just a mock-up.
But this permit is no mock-up, Boy Blunderhead.
It's signed and sealed..
'...by the Gotham City Motion Picture Commission.'
And I'm gonna sue the city for $10 million
for failure to provide proper protection.
Do you hear that, Batman, ten million dollars.
I hear you, Penguin.
And you two are going to jail for aggravated assault
and malicious property damage.
Do you hear that, Batman. Jail.
Looks like he's got us this time.
Like rats in the drum.
But...I'm willing to make a deal.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
But, Batman, this is a contract for you and Robin
to act in Penguin's picture ...and you've signed it.
Oh, it was blackmail, commissioner.
Why, that bird trapped them into it.
Not exactly, chief.
- What do you mean, Batman. - I wanted to sign it, Robin.
You knew that robbery was a fake right from the start?
Yes, I saw the movie equipment as we drove up.
I didn't have time to explain, but I wanted Penguin
to think that he trapped us.
Why, Batman.
When someone like Penguin sets up a movie company
you can be sure, it's not only film he's after, commissioner.
Sure and that's the truth.
You signed that contract so we can keep an eye on Penguin.
Precisely, Robin.
We can stay close to him without arousing his suspicion.
What do you think the Penguin's planning, Batman?
That's what we'll try to find out, Commissioner.
He's gone to a lot of expense to establish this film company
so we can be sure... it's something...big.
[instrumental music]
Where's Marsha, Queen of Diamonds?
She is two hours late, Ms. Patterson.
We're trying to locate her, Mr. Penguin.
Try harder, time is money in the movie business.
- Yes, Mr. Penguin. - Quack.
6Prop department.
(male #1) 'No, Mr. Penguin this is the set department.'
Prop department.
(male #2) 'Sorry, Mr. Penguin, this is publicity.'
Prop department.
(male #3) 'Yes, Mr. Penguin.'
Forgot what I wanted you for.
Oh yes, have you ordered that milk for scene 12 tomorrow?
'Yes, sir, the tank trucks are arriving now.'
'24,000 gallons.'
[Penguin laughing]
(Ms. Patterson) 'Mr. Penguin.'
Yes, Ms. Patterson.
(Ms. Patterson) 'Marsha, Queen of Diamonds is here.'
Send her in, send her in.
Oh, I see that you're at your glittering best my dear.
Thank you, darling.
Now, how do you suggest I get across this football field
you call an office?
Well, just, uh, hop into my Pengy-mobile and ride over.
Oh!
[instrumental music]
Oh, my, my.
You are even more ravishing than usual, Marsha, my darling.
Skip the compliments, darling, you wouldn't have asked me here
if you didn't want something.
Yes, I do want something.
I want to make you a millionairess.
How boring, I'm already a millionairess.
Heh-heh, that's true.
Then how would you like to be a billionairess?
That's interesting.
And all you have to do is become my partner
in this motion picture company.
Oh, come now, Pengy, you don't really think there's
a billion dollars in filmmaking.
Oh, this motion picture company is just a front.
- A front? - Right.
A front, for what, for what?
For the biggest caper ever to be pulled in Gotham City.
But, I need capital because this is a very expensive front.
How much capital?
Mm, much as we can get about a dozen of those diamonds
that you're wearing is a start.
And for a dozen of my diamonds
I will be the star of your film of course.
I was thinking of somebody with more, with more..
If you're thinking of my diamonds, darling
you were thinking of me for the star.
The star of my film is...Batman.
Batman! Batman! How did you get him?
Oh, my usual little, uh, cunning chicanery.
Along with the Boy Wonder.
How's that for a coo?
- Very clever. - Mmm.
- Pengy darling.. - Yeah?
Does Batman have a love scene
with the leading lady in your film?
[Penguin laughing] Of course.
Whoever heard of a film without a love scene.
Then, I shall be your leading lady..
...or no diamonds.
I might be able to get my Aunt Hilda to whip up
a love-potion for my lipstick.
Your Aunt Hilda.
Is that old witch still practicing her black magic?
The blackest, darling.
And with her help, I'll finally get Batman in my power.
Very good. That's an additional bit of chicanery. Alright.
- Is it a deal? - It's a deal.
Ah, good.
I wouldn't mind winning an Oscar.
An Oscar?
You don't want one of those.
My dear, if you play along with me you're liable to win
the most coveted award in the entire motion picture business.
You are liable to win...a Penguin.
Penguin script looks innocent enough, Robin.
An historical spectacles set in the days of Ancient Rome.
Holy miscast, Batman!
We play a pair of barbarian bandits
to fight his gladiators in the Colosseum.
Casting us as bandits would appeal
to Penguin's warped sense of humor.
He sure gonna want us jumping through hooks, Batman.
But, I'm afraid we'll have to jump, Robin.
At least until we find out what he's up to.
But, we don't have to make things easy for him.
Take a look at scene 12 on page 33.
Gosh, Batman, what a scene?
I think someone connected
with the Gotham City film decency league
should take a look at this script, what do you think?
What do you think, Robin?
Oh, I think Penguin's gonna be in very hot water, Batman.
That's what I think.
[instrumental music]
This must be it, Robin.
Holy movie moguls, Batman.
Penguin's certainly playing his part in the cult.
[Penguin laughing]
Well, there's my two ham actors.
Only ham, here's wearing a top hat.
Tut-tut, Boy Bundler, we can't all be great artists.
[music continues]
(Penguin) 'There it is..'
An exact duplicate of the famous Tyrrhenian bath
in ancient Rome.
This is for scene 12 I take it.
You like that scene, Batman?
It's in very poor taste, Penguin.
It's a fantastically magnificent scene
I wrote it myself.
Obviously.
What's the reason for the blindfolds, Batman?
The reason is arriving now, Boy Bromide.
[instrumental music]
Hello, darling.
This will be the most startling spectacle ever
'to hit the screen.'
Wardrobe. Where is Ms. Marsha's, ha-ha-ha, costume?
Ah, there it is, very good.
Perfect, perfect, thank you, thank you.
[laughing]
Are you ready to make history with this milk bath, my dear?
Ready whenever you are, C.B.
The love-potion in my lipstick is ready too.
Oh, Batman and Robin, how nice to see you?
You too, Mrs. Cooper.
Could you point out someone called Mr. Penguin to me?
I am Mr. Penguin, ma'am.
And I am Mrs. Harriet Cooper
of the Gotham City League of film decency.
Film decency?
What you doing here Mrs. C?
We have read your script, Mr. Penguin
and we can not approve the scene
'which you apparently are about to shoot.'
This is outrageous.
As the leading entrepreneur of Gotham City I will not submit
to having one page of my masterpiece enfeebled.
And we will not submit to such bullying tones.
Kindly remove your Victorian mind from my set Mrs. C.
Only when you remove this morbid scene from your film.
- Think of the children. - I am thinking of the children.
Look at this, look at this here.
23,000 quartz of homogenized milk here
fortified with vitamin C, I tell you this whole scene
is bursting with minerals and vitamins.
This scene is bursting with other things as well.
Oh, you know I suspect this is your doing, masked meddlers.
You're always poking your proboscis
into other people's business.
Decency is everybody's business, Penguin.
Alright! Alright, we will cut the scene.
And instead, we will do scene 43, get ready, Marsha.
And you, Batman, take your place for scene 43.
Scene 43 that's one where you and Marsha--
Yes, I know, Robin.
But, I'll have to do it.
[instrumental music]
I trust you're goin' to enjoy this scene, Batman darling.
I made a bargain with Penguin and I never break my word.
Bargain?
Half the men in the world would fight to be kissed
by Marsha, Queen of Diamonds .
They certainly wouldn't have to fight me.
Very appalling lack of enthusiasm, darlin'.
But, don't worry.
I have enough enthusiasm for both of us.
Lights.
Camera.
(Penguin) 'Action.'
'Cut it.'
'That's not good enough.'
Batman, I want you to put some crack into it.
We'll do it again and again and again.
Once is enough you, feathered fraud.
Tut-tut, Boy Bluenose.
Penguin is a perfectionist.
I'll do it a hundred times if it's necessary.
And it will be necessary.
Alright, action.
Oh, Bruce, your lips are terribly chapped.
It is a mild case of wind burn, Aunt Harriet
you see this afternoon, Dick and I took an open bus tour
through the Wayne Animal Sanctuary.
Well, I'm going to get you some salve for those lips.
Just in case a pretty girl wants to kiss you.
I'll bet you'll never want to kiss a girl as long as you live.
I wouldn't say that, you're jumping to a rash conclusion.
You look like you're puttin' up quite a struggle alright.
I think there was some kind of potion in her lipstick.
- Potion? - Yes.
I think, a love inducing elixir of some sort.
No wonder your lips are chapped.
It took a great amount of concentration
to combat it's effectiveness.
Good, but speaking of the immediate future
why do you think Penguin is shooting
tomorrow's scene at the Gotham City Museum of Antiquities?
He claims he wants to use the museum as a background
for his films...but, I suspect he has something bigger in mind.
Shouldn't we do something?
That museum is full of priceless and irreplaceable art.
I have done something about it, Dick.
I went and planted Bat-homing devices on every object of art.
Alfred, have you been keeping an eye on the Bat-radarscopes?
Yes, sir, and so far the signals from the Bat-homing devices
indicate that all the objects of art are still in the museum.
I suspect some of the objects will be moved
before the night is over.
And we'll know exactly where Penguin's taking them.
So far, our overall plan is working like a charm, Bruce.
So far, Dick...so far.
Didn't you think I was magnificent in that love scene?
You're certainly better than the potion in that lipstick.
That left Batman colder than an iceberg.
Yes, Aunt Hilda obviously forgot to put enough oomph into it.
Anyway, your plan is working so far.
What do you mean so far?
A Penguin plan is money in the bank.
Money in the bank is no good, our problem is getting it out.
Don't worry, it'll be outta the bank and in our hands soon.
You see, it's stage one is already in progress.
Right now, my men should be at the museum of antiquities
and stage two is likewise under control.
Now for stage three, I will need
another love potion from your Aunt Hilda
and the one that really, really work this time.
I'll see what I can do, darling.
In the meantime, you have to tell me what stage three is.
No, I never trust a woman with a secret
if you're nothing else, Marsha, you're certainly a woman.
A woman with diamonds, darling.
Or would you rather return my, uh, collateral to me?
No, no, that's extortion, Marsha.
You should know, darling, you should know.
- Hello, Aunt Hilda. - Hello, dearie.
What is that?
Maltimus, say hello to Marsha.
[growling]
Aunt Hilda, have you been robbing grave yards again?
Oh, no, dearie.
I left off that 20 years ago.
When I was chemistry professor at Vassar, until I quit.
Don't you mean until you were fired?
A term I find most unappealing, dearie.
Speaking of things unappealing, where did you get that?
I left one of the potions in the cauldron overnight
and next morning there was Maltimus.
(Aunt Hilda) 'He's really quite friendly.'
How are you doing with your other potions these days?
Other potions?
That one you put in my lipstick was a complete failure.
That was because I ran out of chameleons tongues, dearie.
But if you want something really strong..
I do, I do.
I was just about to whip up one of my bests.
The old toad potion.
My very strongest.
Oh dear.
I'm afraid, I'm out of old toads too.
Can't you substitute some new toads.
It would never work, dearie.
We've just got to get some more old toads.
[instrumental music]
It doesn't look as if Penguin took anything, Batman.
No, it doesn't, Robin.
All our homing devices seem to be in place.
But, I'm still suspicious, Robin.
Suspicious of what, caped codger.
Don't tell me you're suspicious about Penguin tampering
with these priceless works of art.
That thought did cross my mind.
What, a great filmmaker like myself
stooping to a petty theft, that's ridiculous.
What's ridiculous is thinking you're a great filmmaker.
I write the lines around here, Boy Blowhard.
You stick to the script...speaking of which.
Your big scene is coming up.
I must see to it that everything is...prepared.
[laughing]
- Thank heaven you're here. - What's wrong, Mr. Tammer.
The museum's priceless collection
of 15th century chainmail armor, it's gone.
That's impossible, out Bat-ho--
There is one factor I could have overlooked, Robin.
The metal alloy in that armor
could've set off a magnetic field
which blocked our homing transmission.
(Mr. Tammer) 'You have to get them back, Batman.'
That you unique alloy was invented by the great master
Bienavenuto Violini.
- Violini? - 'Yes.'
'He made the chainmail armor out of it.'
We'll try our best, but I think you should move
out of this room.
There could be some trouble here.
[instrumental music]
I think Batman has discovered the missing armor.
We better start the scene early.
Alright, Batman, a light rehearsal. Action.
I've a strange feeling Penguin's going to make
this a very realistic scene, Robin.
If he wants realism, we'll give him realism.
[music continues]
Hit men halt.
Ten-hut.
One, two..
That's it. Skewer the [indistinct].
Spear them like a cucumber.
[instrumental music]
That's not in the script, Batman.
I'm directing the scene.
Maybe we'll get you in the scene, Penguin.
Those costume corrupts are slicing my finkster ribbons.
Shield your eyes, Robin.
[dramatic music]
I will give those two-bit actors a piece of real action.
This catapult will hurl you through the sky
and across Gotham City.
I'm sure you'll make a big splash
at the other end of your journey.
And you last moments on earth will be recorded for posterity
by the two cameras that are strapped to your legs.
And I'll show the film in a special premiere
for the benefits of the amalgamated
crooks of Gotham City.
In flight a motion pictures
benefit of Penguin Productions Unlimited.
Good flight, masked missiles.
We'll watch from a better advantage point.
Farewell.
The caped crusaders to end smashed flat?
While Pengy's cameras record the splat?
Et tu, Pengy?
Friends, Romans, countrymen.
Find out next week!
Same Bat-Time, same Bat-channel!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman