¶ Batman
(male narrator) We last left the Dynamic Duo and lovely Venus
in a shallow pool where a giant clam
had just swallowed Robin.
A gruesome joke on the Joker's part.
But now, will Venus or maybe Batman himself
provide the clam with it's next course?
We'll see in short order.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
It's hopeless, Batman.
Hopeless.
Robin's been swallowed whole.
And we'll be next.
He's isn't being swallowed whole, Venus
I can still see a piece of his boot.
[grunting]
[dramatic music]
[creaking]
Holy human pearls, Batman!
Correction, Robin.
Pearls, comes from oysters.
You came out of that clam.
Oh, I sure did.
But, how'd you get me out?
He pried the clam open with his bare hands.
And then he unchained me.
How'd you break your chain, Batman?
Every man has his own, unknown inner strength
at a time of crisis, Robin.
I'm sure if the situations had been reversed
'you would have found your strength.'
But now we must get to the Bat-cave.
But what to do about Venus?
I know.
I can borrow my friend Bruce Wayne's midtown apartment.
Sure, Batman. He hardly ever uses it.
That I'm still part of the team.
After what we've all just been through
of course, you are, Venus.
And I'm sure you can help us track down Joker.
Of course, you'll have to stand trial for your earlier misdeeds.
As should any citizen who breaks the law, Batman.
[dramatic music]
Where are Uranus and Mars?
They should have completed operation laundry bag by now.
Maybe the ran in some trouble with some prison guards, Joker.
Oh, they better not.
Operation laundry bag must be successful
in order for me to complete Aquarius and Capricorn.
The final two crimes of my zodiac.
[engine revving]
(Joker) 'Ah, they're here.'
[laughing]
Yeah. What? Where is he?
In the bag.
Stupid, why didn't you let him out?
We didn't have a chance.
Warden's boys chased us all the way from prison.
We barely managed to ditch 'em.
Well, quick. Help me get him out!
[quacking]
You deuce! You buffoon!
I might have suffocated!
I'm sorry, Pengy, I didn't mean--
Pengy! Mr. Penguin to you, sir.
Numbskull, get Penguin's clothes for him, hurry.
Get my clothes for me?
I've got them on.
Oh, so you do.
For a minute I thought those were prison issue.
Prison issue?
This sartorial triumph, a prison issue?
Well, sometime I give you the name of my tailor.
Sometime I'll give you a piece of my mind.
'Like right now.'
I don't have any other clothes for him, Joker.
But, but I got news for you.
Saturn called from the other hide-out.
Venus and the Caped Crusaders are gone.
Well, of course they're gone.
The clam made a good meal out of them.
The Batmobile is gone too from outside
the clam couldn't have eaten that.
Are you trying to tell me
that they've all have escaped my clam trap?
Yeah, that's the way it looks from here, Joker.
Oh, Pengy, then I really need your help.
To do what?
To terminate Batman once and for all.
While I conclude my zodiac crimes.
Now, you're talking.
Together to end, you and me.
Batman's end.
[all cheering]
Let's try to anticipate his next crime.
Which no doubt will concern itself with Aquarius.
The water bearer. But what could that be?
If you take it literally of course it could mean
the entire Gotham City water system.
But he's tried once before.
And we foiled him, remember?
Yes. With Alfred's help.
But maybe this time he's aiming higher.
Maybe he has some mad scheme
for stealing the entire Gotham City water system.
Stealing the entire Gotham City's water system?
It's magnificent, Joker. How are you gonna do it?
Well, if you make something unusable
it's just as good as stealing it.
Well, if you mean polluting the water that didn't work before.
Ah, but this time
I have a much more sophisticated plan in mind.
Joker jelly.
Concentrated strawberry gelatin.
Powerful enough to change all the water
into strawberry jelly.
Very ingenious, Joker.
A crime almost as good as one of mine.
One of yours?
Those piddly escapades!
Ha, yourself, you cornball crook.
Why, you ugly, little pipsqueak!
You gap-toothed loon!
Well, how dare you!
Let me at him.
You long-nosed fish eater.
How dare..
What are we doing?
We should be fighting Batman, not each other.
You're right, for once.
Watch the caper?
Well, my Aquarius crime is all set, Pengy.
But I need help with Capricorn
my 12th and final crime.
Capricorn, the goat?
What is it?
- Who is it? - I don't know, Batman?
Right! Batman's the goat. And we're going to get him.
Wonderful, wonderful. How do we do it?
Ah, by using that suave Penguin charm
to captivate a beautiful girl.
Magnificent. Magnificent.
Who is she? Where is she?
Oh, she's my former associate Venus
and right now she's in Bruce Wayne's midtown apartment
where my satellite's traced her.
By means of a homing device, I concealed in her shoe.
Oh, I'll sweep her off her feet.
I'll swarm the stars into her eyes.
Women of America, beware!
Don Juan Penguin is on the loose.
[dramatic music]
[scatting]
And so while the Penguin prepares for his romantic task
the Joker is busy at the Gotham City reservoir.
Oh, this is a delicious spot.
[laughing]
Oh, oh, let the Gotham City-ites
try to get this stuff out of their spigots.
Think when you turn on the faucet
out comes strawberry jelly.
Yeah. That's a great idea.
You know, if you got a sink full of biscuits.
[laughing]
[dramatic music]
Holy jelly molds!
Looks, like strawberry jelly.
But it takes like strawberry axle grease.
So, in his warped way Joker has stolen the water supply.
You think this stuff is coming out all the faucets in the city?
Knowing Joker I'd bet on it.
Well, have to just the Bat-copter, Robin.
It has the portable Bat-lab in it.
To the Gotham City reservoir.
[theme music]
And while the Dynamic Duo are rushing to the reservoir.
[dramatic music]
Gotham City has gone dry as a bone.
¶ Oh Danny boy
¶ The pipe's the..
(O'Hara) 'Mother Machree.'
[dramatic music]
I'll lay odds the Joker's behind this.
[dramatic music]
We'll try the sulphide reagents first, Robin.
We better hit it pretty soon, Batman.
Or there'll be a lot of thirsty Gotham-ites.
Worse than that, Robin.
If a fire should breaks out
the fire department would have no way of putting it out.
Holy holocaust! I forgot all about that.
[beeping] That'll be the commissioner trying to get on the Bat-phone
in the portable Bat-lab.
Lucky for us, we've mobile phones Bat-plugs
inside our utility belts.
[dramatic music]
- Yes, commissioner. - Where are you, Batman?
'At the reservoir, commissioner.'
So, that's how he did it.
Well, we've got more than just that mess on our hands.
The Joker sent word to me that he wants 10 million dollars
to de-gelatinize the water supply.
'Don't pay it, commissioner.'
The Joker has used a very complex formula
it'll take time to analyze it.
But we will. Don't you worry about that.
That's what I wanted to hear, Batman.
Meanwhile in Bruce Wayne's midtown apartment.
A lonely Venus receives gifts
from an ardent admirer.
Oh!
It's so sweet of Batman to send me flowers.
Batman?
Those are no flowers from a bat-head buffoon.
Those are from a mature, admirer, your suitor.
Oh, you ravishing rose of womanhood.
Oh, Penguin.
Oh, uh, I'm going straight now.
So, whatever you want, it's no go.
What? I want absolutely nothing.
Except to pay tribute to your beauty and charm
and your gait and your wit and to that end
I've brought you another little token of my admiration.
Token!
This is a bit of surpruse. Number Six, my little tulip.
Oh, this is the most expensive perfume in the whole world.
That's right.
It cost a $1000 an ounce.
That's nothing, my little Gabriel.
Put it down. Sit on the sofa.
Shall we, my fragile orchid, huh?
Oh, you beautiful. You're beautiful, beautiful.
Drapes.
[instrumental music]
Oh, Pengy, it's dark.
Oh, we'll remedy that, my glorious gardenia.
Candles! Bring me candles.
I, uh, think I'd rather have the drapes open, Pengy.
Why? When candle light does so much for your eyes.
Tell me, my heavenly hyacinth.
When is the last time you had a good..
...drink of water?
- Drink of water? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, you can't get any water.
Nothing comes out of the faucets but strawberry jelly.
I guess, that's how a rich millionaires live.
And you're probably thirsty, eh?
Champagne!
You'll have some champagne, won't you?
Oh, I-I really don't think that I should, Pengy.
Why? You want to die of dehydro-philia?
What's that?
Well, that's the loss of precious bodily fluids.
Due to a lack of liquid in the tissues.
Sounds terrible.
Drink up, my dear. Drink up.
[quacking]
Drink it up, my dear.
Save yourself from sin.
[dramatic music]
That's it, Robin.
Now hand me the special exploding Bat-arang.
Right, here, Batman.
We'll pour the de-gelatinizing agent
into the special exploding Bat-arang.
Set the timing fuse for three seconds.
And..
[explosion]
That did it, Batman!
(Penguin) 'Before I met you, my sprig of mint'
I thought of nothing but crime.
Now, I want to turn over a new leaf.
And there's one little problem.
What?
My criminal record locked in the Bat-cave.
And until that is destroyed
I can never feel like a honest man.
- Why don't you ask Batman to-- - Batman?
He'd never believe that I've gone straight.
Only you have faith in me, my alluring azalea.
Only you can wipe out my past, and help me start anew.
But, I can't get into the Bat-cave.
Of course, you can.
You ask Batman to take you there.
My lovely lady.
And when you slip out my card for the Bat-computer
and I'll be able to start new.
My head's spinning from the champagne.
I wish I knew whether to believe you or not, Pengy.
Believe me, my sweet honeysuckle.
I speak from the heart.
I know, it's a..
big thing to ask, Batman.
But I've always dreamed of seeing the Bat-cave and..
Oh, I'm sorry.
After all, I...guess there is..
...really no reason, you should trust me.
When I was on the other side not very long ago.
I trust you, Venus.
Then, you'll take me?
Alright, Venus.
We'll show you the Bat-cave.
Your decision to lead an honest life was difficult
and dangerous. Consider this your reward.
Ah! Oh, Batman.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
I'll have to give you a whiff of Bat-gas
before we leave, Venus.
- Bat-gas? - Yes.
We can permit you to see the inside of the Bat-cave
but not the outside.
We can't let you or anyone else know its location.
Then, when you're in the Bat-cave
we'll give you another whiff, Bat-awake. Completely harmless.
Whatever you say, Batman.
[instrumental music]
[tire screeching]
Oh!
This is fabulous!
It's a place to hang our cowls.
What-what's that thing over there?
That's the Bat-computer.
And...over here
is the Bat-spectrograph criminal analyzer.
And that is our Bat-radar.
(Penguin) 'And over here is The Penguin.'
(Joker) 'And over here is The Joker.'
Woo-hoo hoo! That's Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Neptune, Uranus
Saturn!
Penguin, you lied to me.
I will feel like a new man.
With Batman and Robin squashed like beetles.
Why, you!
Stay where you are, unpleasant adolescent.
One pull this trigger and it's deadly umbrella gun
will fry you into a fritter.
It's all my fault, Batman.
I thought, I was helping Penguin reform.
Oh! How could I've been so stupid.
He's fooled much shrewder people than you, Venus.
But the results are superb, Venus, my flower.
With the Dynamic Duo destroyed
the Bat-cave will be converted into the headquarters
for the criminals of Gotham City.
[laughing]
Just think of it, Joker.
(Penguin) 'Never again, we'll be bothered by all this Bat-paraphernalia.'
(Joker) Yes, I'm thinking of it, Pengy, I'm thinking of it.
Lives of uninterrupted crime. Woo-hoo hoo-hoo!
[instrumental music]
What was that?
Merely the Bat-spectrograph criminal analyzer, Penguin.
Completed, just this week.
In that brief second, it recorded your bone structure
metabolism rate, molecular blood structure, retina patterns.
And other scientific data
that may prove invaluable in the future.
But it only works, at close range.
And is much too large to move.
So, I had to bring you, both in here.
In order to utilize it.
You knew, they were in the trunk?
No crime fighter worth his salt, wouldn't have known, Venus.
Well, your Bat-spectro-junky isn't gonna do you any good
where you're going, Batman.
Let him have it, Pengy!
[laughing]
Doesn't work.
No, it doesn't work, Penguin.
The negative ion attractor, which I placed in the trunk
depleted it's power source during the time you were inside.
Shall we, Robin?
Let's, Batman.
[instrumental music]
[groaning]
[music continues]
[Joker laughing]
Ah!
[Penguin quacking]
[groaning]
Well, you caught us, Batman.
But your crime fighting days are over.
Because we've seen the Bat-cave.
The inside, not the outside, Joker.
So, what?
We don't know, where the Bat-cave is you backward eel.
Why didn't you think of taking a look on the outside?
You dolt!
- Why you calling.. - Why are you walking..
[indistinct chattering]
Enough! Enough, gentlemen.
I think a little whiff of Bat-gas
should calm you down, nicely. Just breathe normally.
[instrumental music]
[Penguin quacking]
Holy gambles, Batman!
What if they had opened the trunk on the way here?
They couldn't have, Robin.
I had the, emergency Bat-trunk locker on, during the trip.
Oh, Batman.
I don't know what to say.
Well, umm, don't say anything, Venus.
After all, you did help us catch, Joker.
His scheme to use you, turned out to be a trap for himself.
And Penguin.
And his slithery stooges.
[music continues]
(Mrs. Cooper) 'Listen, Bruce.'
'Your horoscope for tomorrow.'
'"Fast bets most favorable.'
'"The positions of Mercury and Mars'
"which might have been threatening have changed.
And Venus is in the ascendancy."
Oh, my, isn't that nice?
That's very nice, Aunt Harriet.
And here's yours, Dick.
"A very pleasant day.
"Satellites, no longer pose a threat.
Fun in store with family."
Oh, I'm just so glad.
With all the strange things that have been happening recently.
I thought we've been leading well-ordered lives.
Oh, I mean all over Gotham City.
All that icky goo in the water supply.
And the terrible time, Batman and Robin have been having.
Don't listen to idle rumor, Aunt Harriet.
Oh, I know, I shouldn't.
But someone told me
that both The Joker and The Penguin were after Batman
and Robin almost got eaten alive by a giant clam.
How could, one little clam eat up boy his size?
It does sound a little far-fetched, doesn't it?
Dinner is served.
About time, Alfred. What are we having?
We begin with your favorite, Master Dick.
Clam chowder.
Clam chowder? Isn't that a coincidence?
[instrumental music]
Chin up, old chum.
It's one way of getting even.
[laughing]
Tomorrow, the cat-astrophic return of Julie Newmar
as the Catwoman!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman