¶ Batman
High noon in Gotham City.
On a day when the number 12 is to become an evil omen
for all good citizens.
Very good, Chief O'Hara, impressive.
Part of our new scientific crime fighting program, commissioner.
Uh, it shows every art treasure in Gotham City.
So, we can check 'em out in a moment's notice.
With this map and our improved criminal procedures
we should be on our way to putting Gotham City's
criminals behind bars.
Never mind the bars, look to the stars.
Not to mention Venus and Mars.
[cackling]
Mother Mckenty, it's Joker.
In police headquarters? The nerve!
[Joker laughing]
Naughty, naughty, commissioner.
Let's keep your blue-coated buffoons outside.
What do you want here, Joker?
Ooh, just passing the time, commissioner.
As I did all those months in prison
after those caped cabbage-heads
were lucky enough to apprehend me.
Luck had nothing to do with it, Joker.
Your warped criminal mind is no match
for the wits of Batman and Robin.
They'll outsmart you every time.
A stroke of luck, I tell you.
Well, in any event, I used my free time to cultivate
a new hobby, astrology.
'The science of the stars.'
The science of the future.
[laughing]
[crackling]
You mustn't touch, chief.
Ho ho, my, what slow learners.
Well, what have we here?
Oh, this should go well with my star-chart.
Now, enough of this foolery.
I've come to announce a new crime way for Gotham City.
This is the first of the zodiac crimes.
'Look for 11 more.'
And don't forget to keep score.
[cackling]
Venus, my dear..
Keep the stars out of your eyes, gentleman.
[Joke laughing]
Going up, please.
[Joker laughing]
Mother McGee, he's gone.
The nerve of the scoundrel.
[Joker cackling]
[blowing sousaphone]
I think it's very nice you decided to try out
with the school band, Dick.
Don't you think so, Bruce?
Yes, Aunt Harriet..
...very nice.
[continues blowing sousaphone]
The Bat-phone, sir.
What's that, Alfred?
It's the bat..
That phone, sir.
I suggest you take it in the study.
I think maybe I'll practice my marching, Aunt Harriet.
[intense music]
Yes, commissioner.
I have bad news for you, Batman.
That master of Morgellon mockery is back.
He just barged smack into this office.
We'll be right there.
The Joker again.
[sighing]
To the Bat-poles.
Gosh, Bruce, it's like trying to away from an octopus.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[theme music]
And there it floated
in front of me nose.
Dancin', back and forth.
I can imagine it looked quite mysterious, Chief O'Hara.
But the principal behind the mechanism
is really quite simple.
By magnetizing a steel rod
and using the polarity of the steel girders
in this building--
Joker could've balanced the rod
in mid-air by using a simple rheostat.
'But what did he mean by all that talk about the stars?'
And the wave of twelve crimes he promised?
And why steal our official rare art map?
He may be planning a crime for each sign of the Zodiac.
(Robin) 'Holy astronomy!'
'Aries, the ram.'
Taurus, the bull.
Gemini, the twins.
Virgo, the virgin.
Libra, the scales.
Scorpio, the scorpion.
Etcetera, etcetera.
Ad infinitum.
Ah-ha! Just as I thought.
A cleverly concealed two-way spy device.
You mean the Joker could be listening at this very moment?
(Joker) 'Exactly, boy blunder.'
That's him.
(Joker) 'Speaking through my spy-device'
'which Batman detected, as I expected.'
[laughing]
'But I warn you, Batman, I don't feel rejected'
'with the fortune and treasure still unprotected.'
[laughing]
[explosion]
How ever did you know the gadget was here, Batman?
Simple matter of deduction, Chief O'Hara.
Joker would never come to this office
simply to steal a rare art map.
Rare art map.
R-A-M.
Aries, the ram, the first sign.
Gosh, Batman, you think he's already started?
Whenever Joker's involved
who knows when he started or what he started?
Oh, the Caped Crusaders don't know what's in store for them.
At long last, I'll have them out of my way permanently.
It's a long time, Joker.
The proceeds from my Zodiac crimes
will give me what I've always wanted.
Complete control of Gotham City!
Oh, oh, yes!
The Caped Crusaders are now solidly star-crossed!
[laughing]
Venus.
Venus, will you stop bouncing?
Your orders, Joker.
A larcenous mind in a limber body.
We must stay in trim.
Batman's no fool.
He's no match for me, with the stars as my guide.
[knocking on door]
Oh, get the door, Mercury.
Freight shipment, collect.
$2,450.
- What? - Oh, just pay him, Mercury.
Quick, give me a hand with this.
[laughing]
Careful now, careful.
What's inside, Joker?
Two thousand dollars is a lot of money.
Ah, this merchandise is worth two thousand dollars.
It's worth $200,000.
You cheap skate!
At least, you could've sent me a plane ticket.
We had to get you into Gotham City
without anyone knowing about it, Pengy.
Especially Batman.
Well, you better have something good cooked up
for that caped creep.
Oh, don't you worry, Pengy.
The pot's being put on the fire right now
and Batman's in it.
Oh, you are a man after my own heart, Joker.
Ah, black, eh?
Black as pits!
Meanwhile, the Caped Crusaders study a copy
of the rare art map.
There are dozens of places Joker could strike next.
And we're not even sure he'll use the map
for his next crime.
[phone ringing]
I have a hunch that's Joker calling for me.
- May I, commissioner? - Oh, please.
Batman speaking.
A clue, caped curmudgeon.
Taurus, the bull, is next on my show.
And you'll soon be singing a song of woe.
[laughing]
Taurus, the bull.
Do you think it's a trick?
I don't think it's a trick, Robin.
I don't think it's Taurus either.
Song of woe.
- Gemini. - The twins?
Of course. Sing a song of woe.
- I'm confused, Batman. - Think, Chief O'Hara.
Gotham city's current singing sensations
are two young minstrels called The Twins. Let's go, Robin.
As in Joker's hide out once more..
[laughing]
That's delicious.
Now, if my calculations are correct..
...and my calculations are always correct--
Those masked mutton heads
may have jumped to the wrong conclusion?
Right.
Are you sure you can handle this, Pengy?
What?
Those booted buttinskis are no match for The Penguin.
I'll slice 'em to slivers, I'll pound 'em to pieces.
I'll dice them to driblets.
[laughing]
Now, as soon as Pengy jumps in, you cut out, Venus
and join me you know where.
Right, Joker.
Now, let me at 'em.
I'll fix their hash
and I'll grind them into masked meatballs.
[quacking]
[upbeat music]
Undoubtedly, the twins rehearsing
for tonight's performance.
Perhaps another time might be more
appropriate for that, Robin.
Oh, sorry.
You are The Twins?
That's what the sign says, man.
How can we smooth your path?
We came here to warn you.
Someone is after you.
Like we know that, Wonder Boy.
We're referring to a criminal threat.
- Joker. - Forget that canary, Batman.
You're up against the black bird of prey.
[quacking]
Penguin!
[gas hissing]
[coughing]
- 'There he goes, Robin.' - Quack.
After him.
We're off!
[dramatic music]
So long, dynamic dunderheads.
Enjoy your ride on the Joker's Boom-Bug.
[laughing]
'Well, now, so these here are them there'
fabulous Twins.
Oh, yes, sir.
A name for their identical size, cut and brilliance.
And they are only $250,000.
Ah, for the pair.
Oh, get it for me, daddy, huh?
I always did like little pretties.
Well now, Bella May Sue.
If it's gonna pleasure you, why, sure.
Son, fetch over your guards.
I want to walk these diamonds out of here, safe like.
Of course, sir.
Pinkerton, Burns.
(Venus) 'Ooh.'
These here the only policemen
you got on the premises, sugar?
Yes. Just these two, but they're picked men.
Well, in that case, I'll just fetch out my money.
May I borrow your comb, Alfred?
Sure, sir.
So, while Penguin was leading us on a wild goose chase
Joker was stealing the real twins.
I'm afraid so, Robin.
But with the help of the Bat-analyst
we should be back on Joker's trail.
Thanks to Venus' wig.
You know, Batman
she seemed like a nice girl in that costume.
I suspect she is a nice girl, down deep.
But she's fallen in with bad companions.
And who knows what her home life was like.
Now, as soon as the Bat-analyzer
determines the components of that wig
we can trace it and then--
- We nail Joker. - Hah!
Ah, yes.
The wig is 98 percent
human hair backed up by the finest silk.
There's only one high fashioned shop in Gotham city
that has this quality of cua fur.
Harry's Hair Lair.
Harry and Bruce Wayne belong to the same golf club.
Perhaps Harry can supply the address we need.
And then, under cover of darkness..
Batman.
Is Joker here?
Venus, how did a nice girl like you
get mixed up with an ugly business like this?
The Joker says I'm very useful.
He says I'm his right hand girl.
Why don't you throw him over, Venus?
What's he done besides get you into trouble?
You mean, rat on my friends?
Criminals have no friends, Venus.
Help us get Joker and I'm sure the authorities
will take that into account at your trial.
No, Batman.
I maybe felonious, but I'm no fink.
I'm pleased to see that you have standards, Venus.
Albeit unlawful ones.
However, in this case, your loyalty is misguided.
[phone ringing]
From your reaction, Venus
I would say that is no idle call.
[phone ringing]
- Hello. - 'Hello, where's the Joker?'
Penguin.
He stepped out for a few moments. May I take a message?
Tell him everything's set for tonight.
Would you have any more details?
He knows all the details.
And tell him I want a 50-50 split.
No fast ones.
Venus, when two arch criminals like Penguin and Joker
combine their criminal talents
people are likely to get hurt.
Innocent people.
Won't you help us, Venus?
Alright.
I'll do it for you, Batman.
I don't know what the Joker plans, but I do know where.
And I'll take you there.
¶ You all have dreams
¶ If you act they will come true ¶
Joker didn't give you any hints as to what he planned?
No, Batman. All I know is that he's meeting The Penguin here.
¶ If you have a soul and a spirit ¶
Stay here.
Come on, Robin.
Alright, Pengy, let her rip.
Bombs away! Quack, quack.
Sounds like The Penguin.
Look out, Robin.
(Joker) 'You're on target, Pengy.'
'Hit 'em again.'
[laughing]
¶ They will soon give you ten thousand more ¶
[singing continues]
¶ They brawl and they go to the floor ¶
¶ Then there's nothing in the world ¶
Alright, tonsils, ransom time.
Let's go.
Help! I'm being kidnapped.
Police!
Hello, Let's go, Venus.
No.
Come on, Venus.
No.
[dramatic music]
I said, come on!
Joker, don't leave me.
Come back, you fish-headed fink!
So, it is Penguin.
What are you doing out of prison?
I needed a little change of air.
You think you'll get it helping the Joker?
Oh, that pasty faced felon ran out on me!
There's never honor among thieves, Penguin.
You of all people should know that.
Well, at least I helped to make fools of you two.
He got the lion and the crab in one fell swoop.
Holy terminology, Batman, he's right.
Leo Crustash.
Leo the lion and crustacean for the crab.
Joker did get the lion and the crab
but we have Penguin.
That should make Warden Crichton quite happy.
[quacking]
A picture of the Virgin Bereaved.
One of Gotham City's most valuable art treasures.
Worth nearly a cool million according to experts.
And most certainly, Joker's next target.
It's the only item on this map
that even resembles Virgo, the virgin.
Virgo, the next sign on the Joker's criminal Zodiac.
It's time for us to make a horoscope, Robin.
I predict that within the hour
Joker will be at the museum.
And I predict we'll be waiting for him.
It's been quite an evening so far
but.. boy, will he see stars!
Every guard's been alerted to let Joker in
but not out.
Gosh! This is a sure good place for his total eclipse.
[laughing]
Well and met by moonlight, Batman.
'As per my calculations'
on my terms, and at my convenience.
The odds are all even, Joker.
Two against two.
Even, my erroneous urchin?
Let me cast your horoscope.
Instead of two, you'll discover seven.
About to give you a free trip to heaven.
[laughing]
First class fencing, Batman.
- Sorry. - For what?
My unexpected ally.
Venus. Unobserved.
[Joker laughing]
Throw it, you ninny.
(Joker) 'Throw it!'
Sorry, Caped Crusaders.
[Joker laughing]
The stars demand a sacrifice to the altar of the sun.
[Joker laughing]
Comfy, boys?
Couldn't we call it off, Joker?
Mercy to a brave foe and all that?
You're losing your nerve, Venus.
Which is a shame.
But you're also loosing your senses, which is criminal.
Hold her!
Batman, I realize right now, I've made a terrible mistake.
Repentance is better late than never Venus.
Eww!
You're making me ill.
Yuck!
Now, I must cancel your horoscopes, Caped Crusaders.
The moment of occlusion is at hand. Look up.
'Whoo! Ha ha ha!'
A century ago, that stone dropped from the heavens.
At dawn, it will fall again
onto your heads!
[Joker laughing]
Mercury, the thermite.
Wait!
Yes, I set that miniature solar system
in motion with a thermite bomb
'attached to the planet Saturn.'
When it comes around, the thermite
'will burn through the cable'
depositing the meteorite onto your dunderheads.
[Joker laughing]
- Batman! - Oh, bring her along.
She'll recover her criminal senses.
[laughing]
Goodbye, Dynamic Duo.
I predict a falling out.
[laughing]
Can it be?
The Dynamic Duo crushed to death
by an eight ton meteorite?
Will the Joker's prophecy come true?
Are their horoscopes cancelled?
Is this their last star?
Tune in tomorrow!
Same time. Same channel.
Same peril.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman