¶ Batman
(male narrator) When we said our last fearful farewells to Batman and Robin
the malevolent Mad Hatter had trapped them
in a fluoroscopic cabinet of an atomic energy laboratory.
Where exposed to high voltage X-rays
it would only be a matter of moments
before they'd be radiated forever.
For you, another few hours have gone by.
For the Dynamic Duo, an eternity.
As we shall shortly see
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
Horror of horrors!
Can it have happen at long, long last?
The disastrous demise of the Dynamic Duo.
Yesterday, flesh and blood.
Now, cowl skeletons.
But who could this be?
The Mad Hatter again?
Demented enough to return to the scene
of his fossilized folly.
[shrieking]
What's the matter, Polly? I told you what to expect.
But I didn't expect it.
Why did you bring me here if you know about this?
Every man likes a pretty girl with him
at a skeleton dance.
This time Jervis, you've gone too far.
At the least, far enough, boss.
There's still ground to be covered.
But with Batman and Robin out of the way
as I've seen with my own two eyes.
The rest of this caper should be a picnic.
A picnic? At a time like this?
Let's get outta her before anybody discovers us.
Although apparently no one is keeping a death watch.
[intense music]
Hey, boss? You know you could've picked up another cowl in there.
A morbid thought, Skimmer.
The one I tricked Batman out of last night.
Will fill the bill beautifully.
No!
I won't believe it.
I don't believe it! I can't believe it!
(Gordon) 'My world has just been ripped to shreds.'
Seam by seam.
Come now, commissioner.
Nothing could be as bad as all that.
This is, chief.
A cleaning woman at the Gotham Atomic Energy Laboratory..
Now, easy, does it.
Just call the editor of the Gotham Post Tribune..
Maybe if you loosened your tie a little.
Have you still got that bottle here in your drawer?
That she had seen the..
...the skeletons..
...of Batman and Robin.
The what?
The skeletons of the Caped Crusaders
shrouded in their cowls.
Hold on to me, commissioner.
In a fluoroscopic cabinet where they met their maker.
Don't say it.
Under high voltage X-ray.
[crying]
No!
Pennsylvania 6-5-0-0-0.
Oh!
No! No!
No!
Well, he's at his ranch right now
but I'm sure he'll fly to Gotham City right away.
[machine clattering]
Falagas 6-5-0-0-0.
Oh! No, no, no!
She's at Windsor Castle
I know she'll fly to Gotham City immediately.
[speaking Russian]
6-5-0-0-0.
[speaking Russian]
Uh, Batman?
I want to thank you for your assistance, Professor Overbeck.
Oh, please. Don't thank me.
You know, if it weren't for that little thingamajig..
You mean the Bat-X-ray deflector in my utility belt.
(Robin) 'Gosh, yes. Sure.'
A great gadget for deflecting
all types of radiation. In an instant.
It never hurts to be prepared, professor.
Oh, and you certainly were.
With that extra cowl you wear under your contaminated one
and the additional wardrobe you had in your Batmobile.
It wouldn't have worked if it hadn't been
for the two skeletons in your closet.
We should get to the Bat-cave. Wait a minute, Robin.
Remember we left the Batmobile in back.
Holy memory bank! You're right.
But earth shaking events or solitary moments
crime marches on.
'Look Jervis, they're coming down the tank now.'
So I see. He he.
'Batman thought he was so smart.'
Planting that tracking gizmo in this cowl.
But now it's planted forever
in that tank at the top of the tower.
Oh, the Mad Hatter has outsmarted the dear departed.
Jervis, you sound like the Joker or the Puzzler
or even the Riddler.
Those phonies?
Well, if Batman is so..
..so departed, why'd you go through all the trouble
of hiding the tracking gizmo?
I'm not hiding it, Polly. I'm drowning it.
Now, obviously, the Caped Crusader's
little accident will be discovered.
'There will be question's asked. The police will be called in.'
I don't want anything to lead them to me.
At least not until I have replaced the priceless ruby
in the Golden Buddha of Bergama's forehead
with this cheap replica from Hattie Hatfield's headdress.
Cheap replica?
Of course, this is not the real Hatfield ruby.
You knew that all the time?
All of the time, Polly.
My entire plan was to find a ruby similar to one
in the Buddha's forehead.
And then, get rid of Batman and Robin.
'Now I've succeeded in both.'
Now just as soon as Benny and Skimmer come in
we're off to the Gotham Art Center.
Why there?
Because that's where the Buddha
goes on exhibit...in one hour.
Now all we have to do is overpower
the royal Bergama guard accompanying the exhibit
on it's world tour.
And then, with the aid of my reliable ruby retriever
we'll switch ruby's and we're off and running.
We'd better be off and running right now, boss.
You been outside recently?
Not since we came in here, why?
Because everything's come to a dead stop, that's why.
Some found those two skeletons.
It was bound to happen sooner or later.
Well, it happened sooner.
All business is shut down.
People are flocking to their home by the thousands.
The whole town's at half mast.
What a perfect time to snatch the ruby.
Now, Jervis, I'm not so sure that I..
'Now don't go soft on me, Polly.'
Who made Batman and Robin famous crime fighters?
Criminals, that's who.
'If you want to show a little respect to the departed.'
Stay crooked.
That's the least you could do.
- Sure, boss. - You bet.
Well, I guess you're right, Jervis.
It is sort of like putting flowers on their graves.
[laughing]
I'm sorry, Mildred.
There are already over 4000 women on the funeral committee.
But I might work you in
on the Statue of Batman committee.
Good, I'll put your name down.
It's just wonderful the way the citizens get together
when it's a national crisis.
Isn't it?
Oh, Alfred. How touching.
You're in mourning too?
'And you're not even a native citizen.'
Now you two boys must get black arm-bands too.
Aunt Harriet..
Oh..
What in the world is that?
That's what I came to tell you, madam.
An immense crowd has gathered outside.
I...I had to close the gates.
You see, madam, they know that..
..that Mr. Bruce was a friend of Batman.
Well. They're just here.
See that they are served coffee and sandwiches.
And we'll see them as soon as we get composed a little more.
Aunt Harriet.
Aunt Harriet, what would your...reaction be
if I told you that beyond...a shadow of a doubt
I knew...that Batman and Robin..
...are still alive.
Well, I just wouldn't believe it that's all.
What if I told you, Aunt Harriet?
Oh, you two are sweet to try to bolster my shattered spirits.
But after all, I myself was the one who telephoned
'Professor Overbeck at the Atomic Laboratory'
and he wouldn't lie, would he?
Dick, perhaps you and I should have a moment alone in my study.
I think so, Bruce.
That's a beautiful way for you to express your respects.
[telephone ringing]
Hello? Oh, hello, Esther.
One more try, Dick?
It's the only thing to do, Bruce.
50,000 people.
Just...just standing.
Greatest of all the ills of man is grief, Chief O'Hara.
[Bat-phone beeping]
Mother McGillicutty!
He's phoning from the grave.
One thing we do know at least, Batman isn't buried yet.
Yes? Batman?
Commissioner, I tried to get you earlier.
For, as a great man before me has said..
'The rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated.'
It's him, alright. The Caped Crusader.
Return from beyond the pale, that's what he's done.
Apparently, there's been a slight error, Batman.
I'll explain or..
...certainly try, later, commissioner.
Right now Robin and I are off to nail Mad Hatter.
The Mad Hatter, at a time like this?
Who cares about that pipsqueak's inconsequential crimes?
Any crime, no matter how large or small, Commissioner Gordon
is a violation of a public right and common law.
And the criminal or criminals committing such an offence
must be apprehended.
For the sake of all human morality.
'You'll hear from me shortly.'
Right.
To the Bat-poles.
Well, I guess the first order of business, Chief O'Hara
is getting word to the presidential jet.
Right.
But even while the world pulls out of it's tailspin
the Mad Hatter is violating public right and common law.
I told you, the perfect time for the perfect crime.
Even the Bergama royal guards aren't here.
Boy, that was quick, boss.
Not quick enough, Jervis.
I was down at the hat check stand, checking no hats
- And guess what I heard? - What?
Batman and Robin are alive.
How could you have heard that?
Well, I did, and it's spreading like wildfire.
From the president, to the satellite
to every country on earth.
Wouldn't you know, I reach the peak of my career
and now a petty annoyance like this.
While at the same time
Batman and Robin are back in their familiar haunt.
Mad Hatter..
...has to be someplace with that contaminated cowl.
- Ergo. - Ergo.
Ergo, the small bug I tucked in cowl has to be someplace too.
[sonar signal]
Is that a bleep?
It sounded more like a splash to me, Robin.
Which fits. My little gadget contained
an underwater Bat-sonar device.
Holy mermaid!
Now let's see if we can pinpoint the exact location.
A body of water at Spring and Lake streets.
The old Lake Street Reservoir.
Drained, filled and turned into a housing project.
The Spring Street Aquarium?
Ran out of fish.
We're not getting far.
But it's a lot better than being departed and defunct.
Defunct?
You may have hit it, old chum.
The defunct Green Derby restaurant
near the intersection of Spring and Lake streets.
And if memory serves me correctly
there is an old, elevated water storage tank
directly behind it.
[Bat-phone beeping]
Yes, commissioner.
We've just learned a ruby was stolen
out of the Golden Buddha
on exhibit at the Gotham Art Center, Batman.
and replaced by the one taken
out of Hattie Hatfield's headdress last night.
Which incidentally was fake.
No doubt, the Mad Hatter's involved.
But you don't know how relieved I am to tell you this, Batman.
Relieved? At the loss of a million dollar ruby?
'No. No, no.'
Relieved to know that you are back on the job.
Thank you, commissioner.
And we'll try to get that ruby back too.
Well, old chum.
Out of the sarcophagus and back into the saddle.
[instrumental music]
Gentlemen, would you care to check your...cowls?
We won't be staying that long, miss.
And business doesn't seem to be exactly...thriving.
Oh, well we shut down immediately
when we heard about Batman and Robin.
A thoughtful gesture.
But a lot of dust sure settled in a short time.
Oh, well, it's this location.
With that water tower out back there
it's...it's..
What about that water tower?
Well, it seems to attract a lot of dust.
Let's level, young lady.
Does it not also attract Mad Hatter
and his equally mad henchmen?
And are they not using this defunct restaurant
as a hideout with you as pretty decoy?
Where would you get an idea like that?
From that cowl
'which Mad Hatter stole from me last night.'
You're Batman?
Holy hoodwink!
Holy naivety! Take your choice.
Exactly, Robin.
And when they saw the Batmobile pull up outside
did Mad Hatter and his stooges head for that water tower?
Whatever their nefarious reasons?
Sure, they're climbing it right now.
That cowl, which Mad Hatter apparently forgot
to decontaminate, contains lethal radioactive elements.
He must get medical help at once.
Let's go, Robin.
Uh, may I go with you?
Yes, you can lead the way.
Look, boss. Polly is leading Batman and Robin right here.
Straight to this water tower.
[intense music]
Oh, Jervis isn't gonna like this at all.
Or is he expecting you to play coy?
Then innocent. Then frightened.
Then lead us to him.
You mean a trap, Batman.
I think, we should make this climb
with even more caution that usual.
Robin.
Stand back.
- They're coming up. - So what?
When they get to the top I'll simply turn on
my super instant mesmerizing device in my hat and..
Any other ideas, boss?
Where's the rest of the gang? Hey, gang.
[instrumental music]
Sic 'em. Sic 'em. Sic 'em.
[instrumental music]
[siren blaring]
[music continues]
Come on, boys.
- Where's the Mad Hatter? - Up there.
Come down before you die of radioactivity.
At least I'll die with a fortune.
The ruby from the Golden Buddha of Bergama's forehead
is in my pocket.
And I defy anybody to get it.
And we'll accept that challenge.
Gosh, Chief O'Hara. Glad to see you.
Oh, that goes double for me, Boy Wonder. That and Shamrocks.
We got your call from the Batmobile, Batman.
But the whole city has gone wild
celebrating your arising from the grave--
A waste of the citizen's time
energy and money, Chief O'Hara.
Where's Commissioner Gordon?
He caught the girl at the bottom.
And he's taking her in to book her as an accessory.
Good, then you can take over here.
Yes, my pleasure.
Holy multitudes!
[crowd cheering]
Well? Well?
After you, old chum.
Now that the tumult and the shouting have died down
and the captains and the kings have departed.
- I have a question. - Yes, Aunt Harriet.
How did you know without a shadow of a doubt
that Batman and Robin were alive?
When the whole world thought they were dead?
Yes. Well...I...um..
Or you, Dick. You were equally emphatic.
Well, Aunt Harriet, you see, I..
I know you don't want me to divulge the secret
but I think the time has come to tell Mrs. Coop--
No. No, Alfred.
Yes, sir. To tell Mrs. Cooper the truth.
Alfred.
It is I who told them, madam.
You, Alfred? How did you know?
Mordy, the cleaning woman at the Atomic Energy Laboratory
is my cousin Egbert's wife.
And Mordy has always been sadly given to
shall we say...exaggeration.
But Professor Overbeck himself substantiated her story.
Just protecting a bewildered employee, madam.
So that's all it was.
An idle rumor that shook the world.
Well, perhaps it's just as well.
At least Batman and Robin, wherever they are..
(in unison) And whoever they are beneath those masks they wear.
...must know with what esteem they are held.
In the hearts of all the people on this earth.
Next week, a Batman special.
The first installment of an action-packed three-parter
in which the Joker and the Penguin
team up against the Caped Crusaders.
Don't miss the start of the hostilities, Bat-fans.
Next week, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman