¶ Batman
(male narrator) Gotham City like any other large metropolis
abounds in the quaint shop, the unique store.
And what could be a more bizarre emporium
than Bon-Bons Box Boutique?
Open early on this sunny morning.
Almost as if awaiting some equally bizarre customers.
Well, good morning, gentlemen.
Something in empty boxes today?
We're looking for some empty hat boxes.
A lot of empty hat boxes.
Well, you've really come to the right place.
I have a collection of empty hat boxes.
Unparalleled in all of Gotham City.
Good. 700 of these would be fine.
Do you want them delivered?
We'll take them with us.
700 hat boxes?
There are three of us.
Cash or charge?
That is of no concern to me, madam
as I don't intend to pay for them in either case.
[pulsating]
Meanwhile, behind the box wood hedges
and boxing shutters of stately Wayne Manor.
And so, Professor Overbeck, as head of the Wayne foundation
it gives me great pleasure to present to you this
check which in some small way
'may help you with your fine work'
at the Gotham City Atomic Energy laboratories.
Ah! Du libre, Mr. Wayne!
It gives me great pleasure to accept this.
The Bat-phone, sir.
Thank you, Alfred.
- I may need your help, Dick. - Sure, Bruce.
Now, if you'll excuse me, professor
I have some other matters connected with a foundation.
Oh, but of course, Mr. Wayne
it will give me a moment with this charming lady
to thank her for the delightful luncheon.
You know, you know, Mrs. Cooper, I really mean it.
You have a certain way with the strudel.
Stole 700 hat boxes from Bon-Bon's box boutique?
There's little doubt about the culprit's identity, Batman.
Warden Crichton tells me the convicts were enjoying
a softball game last week.
and the Mad Hatter stole home and kept right on going
in Warden Crichton's cap.
The warden was acting as umpire.
Keep calm, commissioner. We'll be right there.
To the Bat-poles.
[intense music]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
[intense music]
Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.
Roger. Ready to move out.
[engine whirring]
[intense music]
So, I'd say it's following the old familiar pattern
of the Mad Hatter.
But he hasn't stolen any hats.
One hat, Robin.
Or rather a cap belonging to Warden Crichton
along with home play at the penitentiary.
Which they found between the prison's baseball diam
and the tennis courts.
Sometimes I wonder if the warden's rehabilitation program
isn't getting out of hand.
But of course, there were the 700 hat boxes
along with the attack on the proprietors of the Box Boutique.
Sure and that all adds up to at least a little larceny.
That's adds up to serious trouble, Chief O'Hara.
Who knows what disaster lies ahead when a man of the
Mad Hatter's twisted tendencies is loose in Gotham City?
And who knows what lies in store for you, Batman?
He'd stop at nothing to add that cowl
(Gordon) 'to his horrific hoard of head pieces.'
The loss of my cowl is secondary, commissioner.
But not the fate of Gotham City.
Right. This monster must be stopped at once.
Where'll we begin, Batman?
Prison ball park or the box shops?
That's all after the fact, Robin.
We must anticipate his next move.
And I believe the Bat-cave is the place for that.
Excuse us, please.
[intense music]
Looking back, Chief O'Hara, it's hard to remember
how we operated at all..
...before those two masked Samaritans
appeared on the scene.
It's not hard for me to remember, commissioner.
Things were a mess.
Masked Samaritans or not
it looks like things may even get messier
judging by what's going on in the Mad Hatter's
current hideaway in the defunct Green Derby restaurant.
It's like losing old friends, Polly.
Putting these hats away.
Take this Shako, for instance.
Oh-ho! How startled the guardsman was
when I lifted it.
During a time when he was trooping the royal colors.
Wasn't that risky, Jervis?
A bit touch and go.
Especially when the king ordered my execution.
But I escaped with this noose.
Hardly a hat but in it's way a kind of headwear.
Aha! And the Sultan of Shagrab.
How startled he was when I lifted this
during the tiger hunt.
You certainly were asking for trouble that time, Jervis.
A soup song.
What puzzles me, Jervis
is why you're packing all this heisted headgear?
Times change, Polly and people with them.
Stealing hats has lost it's fascination for me.
You mean, you're going straight?
Hardly. You think I'll blow my lid?
This phase in my career will never be over
until the Caped Crusader's cowl is safely in my custody.
Oh, gee, Jarvis.
You had me worried for a minute.
I mean, a hat check girl without any hats to check is--
And after that I'm going to change my tactics.
And use hats to steal.
Hats to steal?
I'm puzzled again.
Well, it's a plan which is better understood
as it unfolds, Polly.
Involving as it does, a Headdress Ball tonight
of which you will be in charge of the hat check stand.
Plus the Three-Tailed Pasha of Panchagoram.
Plus this plastic gun filled with radioactive spray.
Plus the golden Buddha of Bergamar
and the priceless ruby in it's forehead.
And finally
plus that elevated water tank to view this property.
'Down the ladder of which Benny and Skimmer
'are now climbing.'
What on earth are they doing in the water tank?
Preparing a watery grave.
Elevated, of course for the Caped Crusaders.
If I don't think of a trickier means
of disposing of Batman first.
[intense music]
Sombrero, sunbonnet, pith helmet
Tamil shanter, skull cap, snood.
I don't see how we're going to anticipate
Mad Hatter's next malicious move
just by getting a lot of cards from the Bat-computer, Batman.
You're right, Robin. No doubt even that mechanical marvel
feels the stress and strain of crime fighting
and has chosen this particular moment to let down.
Perhaps if I activated
the accelerated concentration switch.
[computer rattling]
Holy handiwork, Batman.
A new attack entirely.
The top hat room, the Headdress ball
Hattie Hatfield.
Of course. I should've made the connection myself, Robin.
Perhaps I too have become remiss.
Well, what is the connection?
Gotham City's Annual Charity Headdress Ball
is being held tonight
at the Gotham Towers West in the top hat room.
and Hattie Hatfield, Gotham City's current granddame
of local society is the head of the event.
Isn't she the owner of the famous Hatfield ruby?
Right, Robin. And as I recall reading
in the morning's gossip column.
The magnificent Headdress worn tonight by Ms. Hatfield
will be held in place by that ruby.
Oh, that should draw Mad Hatter like a magnet.
No doubt, old chum.
So, as we have one of our infrequent free afternoons.
I think we should run a check
on our Bat-arangs and our Bat-ropes.
We did that right after our last Bat-climb.
Forewarned, forearmed, Robin.
All the walls of the Gotham Tower's West are sheer glass.
But even as the Headdress Ball gets underway
what surprising news is this hotel manager receiving
in the foyer of the Top Hat room.
A Three-Tail Pasha of Panchagorum?
Yes. He's in Gotham City incognito.
And he's asked me as first secretary
of the Panchagorum consulate
to tell you that he'd love to drop in
on the Headdress Ball for a few moments
incognito, of course.
Do observe the folkways and native customs
but he's a very simple man
and he trusts it will be no burden on hotel security.
Oh, no, no! Assure him, sir.
It will not. No, for the Three-Tail Pasha
we shall be most unobtrusive.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
I think I better alert you, honey.
The Three-Tail Pasha of Panchagorum
is about to drop in on this little fair any minute.
Oh! Then I'll give him a Three-Tailed hat check.
He doesn't want word to get out but I'll inform Hattie Hatfield.
I hear Jervis is on his way up.
Right.
Is everything set?
Skimmer and the rest of the boys are at their stations.
[ballroom music]
The Three-Tail Pasha of Panchagorum!
Did you hear that, Maple?
But while the Pasha ascends by elevator
the Dynamic Duo make a less orthodox approach
up the sheer glass wall.
Look like a fancy affair on a 62nd floor, Batman.
Just goes to show, Robin, people who stay in glass hotels
shouldn't throw parties.
Eyes front. After all we're not social climbers.
Meanwhile, back at the classy clambake
(Polly) 'Care to check your Three-Tailed hat, sir?'
I never leave my hat with anyone.
My three horsetail tassel, they're a symbol of my high rank
as a Panchagorum military commander.
Then perhaps your gloves.
Not my gloves either.
In this one I have my reliable ruby retriever
But what a unique custom.
Leaving articles of one's clothing
with a pretty young lady
I must initiate that in my Panchagorum harems.
[ballroom music]
Uh, I'm Hattie Hatfield, Your Three-Tailed Excellency.
Then word is gotten out.
I really wanted this little visit to be incognito.
Who's that?
Mad Hatter, Robin, who else?
Why three horse-tails on his vest?
Obviously a ruse of some kind.
Let's slip in and find a better vantage point.
I'm sure we'll be unnoticed.
[clanking]
In Panchagorum I travel unnoticed
and prefer it that way.
Such a humble man.
Oh, I love your hat.
What a unique place to wear your Three-Tails?
A concession to the changing times.
Uh, the buffet?
Uh, some champagne for His Three-Tailed Pasha
and some caviar.
He's so charming. He's so democratic.
Batman and Robin are hiding behind the table.
Yeah. Ready for action.
And they'll get it.
No, thank you.
Do you mean, I can't interest you in anything?
I didn't say that, dear lady.
That headdress of yours is very interesting
particularly that beautiful ruby.
On your mark.
Compared to it, the famous stones of Panchagorum
are faded and lifeless.
But it's really nothing.
It's a family heirloom.
Get set.
But what brilliance.
Go!
Batman and Robin! What are you doing here?
The Three-Tail Pasha is an imposter, Ms. Hatfield.
If you'll check your headdress you'll see your ruby is gone.
It's gone!
Back, citizens.
[screaming]
[intense music]
[screaming]
[music continues]
[intense music]
And now you, Mad Hatter.
Not until I toss my hat into the ring, Batman.
[intense music]
Holy fireworks!
Look out, Batman. Knock-out gas.
No, Boy Wonder. Something much more effective.
Radioactive spray.
Try this on your cowl facade.
[spray hissing]
You diabolical devil!
Not one step forward, Boy Wonder
or you'll get it too.
Don't take that step, Robin
[laughing]
Why you Three-Tailed..
[intense music]
Your cowl, Batman. It's turned bright pink.
The form of virulent radiation, Robin.
Quickly, back to the Bat-cave before it is too late.
[intense music]
Sir, all your other cowls are in the home dry Bat-cleaning plant.
It's turned up to full maximum
but I'm afraid they won't be ready for
another couple of hours at least.
Holy self service!
What about the new cowls you've been working on, Alfred?
The material I ordered hasn't arrived yet.
A trend of the times, I'm afraid, sir.
We've gotta do something.
I know a little about radioactivity
and it's effect on human tissue.
If your worrying about me, Robin, don't.
The anti-radioactive Bat-pill
that I took should hold me for a short while longer.
Of greater importance is getting a useable cowl
(Batman) 'and to use it in apprehending Mad Hatter.'
Alfred, turn the home-dry Bat-cleaning plant
from full maximum to super instant.
While millionaire Bruce Wayne makes a telephone call.
- Very well, sir. - Bruce Wayne?
Yes, to Professor Overbeck at
the Gotham City Atomic Energy Laboratories.
This morning Mr. Wayne presented Professor Overbeck
with a sizeable check for his fine work.
Perhaps the good professor would like to return the favor.
by doing something for Mr. Wayne's friend, Batman.
[intense music]
Yes, Mr. Batman, Mr. Wayne did call
and I'll be glad to help you in any way I can.
But that cowl! Du libre, that cowl!
(Overbeck) 'You know, I'm not sure that our most advanced'
'decontaminating process will be of much help.'
However, we will try.
I'll have my assistant bring you a hooded protective suit
at once while you're waiting here. Just one moment, please.
[speaking in foreign language]
On your toes, Robin.
The night has eyes and ears.
Gosh, Batman! That one stumps me.
I didn't have time to explain it on the outside but
we were followed here at least part of the way.
- Mad Hatter? - Hmm.
No doubt anticipating our every move.
And what better place to retrieve my cowl
than somewhere I voluntarily remove it?
He may be in for a little surprise.
Otto..
Otto!
Yes, professor.
(professor on phone) 'Where have you been, Otto?'
'Look, when I call, I expect an answer.'
I'm answering, professor. I'm answering.
Now look, Otto. I have here Herr Batman with me
(professor on phone) 'in a radioactive cowl which has to be decontaminated.'
'Will you please bring me one hooded protective suit at once?'
Yes, professor. Yes.
[pulsating]
Give me a hand with that hooded protective suit
and then find me another.
So little is known about this radioactivity
of radioactive agents.
So little is known that we know only one thing
that eventually they are deadly.
Gosh, Batman, I hope that pill is still working.
The effects are beginning to wear off faintly.
[knock on door] Ah, here he is.
Oh, oh, thank you, thank you.
Now, Herr Batman, will you please slip out of your cowl
and get into this? Yes?
Oh! I remember you don't want to reveal your identity
so, so, so, use this screen, please.
- Need any help, Batman? - No, Robin.
Just remember eyes and ears.
[intense music]
So, your name's Otto?
Oh! Excuse me, Wonder Boy.
I should've introduced.
Yes, this is Otto, Otto Puffendorf.
You see, he's my reliable assistant
ever since I had a little laboratory way back in the
in the North country.
- Here you are, professor. - Yeah, yeah, yes!
Oh, yo! No, no!
Otto, Otto, take this out and have it decontaminated.
Just a minute, Otto.
Come near me, Boy Bird-Brain?
Now I have what I always wanted.
That wasn't Otto!
- No, it was Mad Hatter. - Oh!
[intense music]
Herr Batman, how could you have two cowls?
I'll explain later, professor.
Is there another door into that room?
Down the hall.
I have Batman's cowl.
The crowning achievement of my career in the end of ends.
And the end of crime fighting in Gotham City, boss.
Oh, such sweet victory.
(Batman) 'Don't count us out yet, gentlemen.'
Victory and defeat are of the same price, Mad Hatter.
That's some kind of a trick. That can't be Batman.
As well as you can be the Three-Tail Pasha of Panchagorum.
Where's Professor Overbeck's assistant, Mad Hatter?
I'll take that cowl.
Look out, Robin. That cowl's contaminated.
Sick 'em! Sick 'em!
[intense music]
Herr Batman, Herr Batman!
Robin is trapped in the fluoroscopic cabinet.
It's a high voltage X-ray.
[shouting]
[intense music]
[pulsating]
Otto! Otto! Somebody!
Mr. Fancy Hatter, they'll be X-rayed forever!
They'll be radiated in a matter of minutes.
Don't worry, my friend. You don't need to watch.
[screaming]
Happy tin times, Dynamic Duo.
Is this to be believed?
In our scientific age?
First, Batman's cowl radio-activated!
And now the Caped Crusaders "Fluoroscoped" forever?
Keep framed to their framework!
Tomorrow! Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman