¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
(male narrator) Another pleasant night.
Steals over Gotham City.
And speaking of stealing.
What unholy alliance is this.
The Catwoman and that cunning, continental criminal
the Sandman.
My record's been clean for months
I'm no longer even on parole.
You can't blame me for not trusting you.
After all, I haven't been in Gotham City for long.
If you didn't think you could trust me
why did you go to the trouble of finding me?
And asking my advice and help.
Good point.
Two of my henchmen are waiting in the corridor outside
to put the rest of my somnambulistic scheme to work.
Sweet dreams, Sandman.
[sniggering]
How did it go, Sandman?
Like a lullaby, Snooze. She can be a great help to me.
What a cat and mouse game, Catwoman.
We were so fascinatingly feline.
Thank you, kittens.
Soon J. Pauline Spaghetti's fortune
will be in my claws alone.
And Sandman will find himself in twined in my cat's cradle.
Forever.
And when, J. Pauline Spaghetti's fortune is in my hands.
I'll put Catwoman to sleep forever.
I had fed the catfish, Catwoman.
- Watered the caterpillar ferns. - Hmm.
And we made your couch in your favorite cat-skin comforter.
Hm.
Now I should pickup some fresh catnip.
Hmm.
[instrumental music]
Fresh catnip?
At this time of night?
[telephone ringing]
Commissioner Gordon.
This is Policewoman Mooney. Your hunch was right..
Meow.
Policewoman, Mooney. Policewoman, Mooney!
Something's happened.
Just as we suspected, Chief O'Hara.
Sandman and Catwoman are in cahoots.
In spite of all her promises to go straight. Ha!
You know, what this could mean to Gotham City, don't you?
'Tis an ill wind that blows across
this proud borough tonight.
I hesitate calling on Batman at this hour but..
Especially since no crime has been committed.
No crime? My every instinct tells that the member of my own
fine force, Policewoman Mooney, is in dire danger.
And who knows what may follow.
In Gotham City's foremost female felon, Catwoman
has aligned herself with Europe's crack criminal Sandman.
I must alert the Caped Crusader.
For the sake of us all.
There it is again.
That funny beeping sound from Bruce's study.
Um, no doubt some of these hi-fi equipment needs adjusting.
Now, excuse me, madam.
Hi-fi?
Beeping with Bruce out of this city?
I'm sorry to report, sir.
But Batman is away on personal business.
Oh! Uh, of course.
Thank you.
He's away on personal business.
I'm afraid we've been
overlooking something, Chief O'Hara
Batman has a life of his own which we know nothing about.
Well, even Batman is entitled to a wee bit of privacy.
Oh, if I might make a suggestion.
Do, please do.
The Bat-signal commissioner.
Good.
[instrumental music]
Meanwhile in the back country.
Bruce, the Bat-signal.
Gee, there must be trouble in Gotham City.
I sure hope Batman sees it.
Yes, so do I.
Sack time, fellows.
You're going to the creek and brush your teeth.
Then come back and hit the old sleeping bags.
We better get back to town, Bruce.
How? We can't take them out
on a 20 mile hike this time of night.
What's the matter?
My ear's ringing.
It's probably the altitude.
Some altitude that keep saying "to the bat-poles"
"to the bat-poles, to the bat-poles."
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
[flies buzzing]
[music continues]
What do we have here?
An advertising stunt?
Or maybe something else entirely!
Do you really think she's asleep?
Or else, she's putting on a great act.
Good heavens, who's that man?
He can't be part of the display.
[instrumental music]
You mean to tell me, Mr. Smidley
the lady taken outta that window wasn't employed by your store?
That's right, commissioner. The girl we hired wasn't suppose
to go to sleep on the job until noon today.
While no one was watching, this other female managed
to get through our security and make a way to the bed.
Of course, she was asleep in an instant
Those Morpheus mattresses.
'Like sleeping on a zephyr.'
This is no time for a sales pitch, Mr. Smidley,
I'll call you back as soon as we have something to go on.
Good thing we don't run this department
like he runs that slumber section.
Slumber section, Morpheus Mattresses sleeping on a zephyr.
Mother Machree! We're on the same wavelength.
Sandman.
Can there be any doubt about it?
Or the Catwoman is somehow involved?
Uh, be careful of that, it's still warm from the last try.
Grain by grain, the hen fills her belly, Chief O'Hara.
Sir?
I pithy proverb about patience. Batman told it to me himself.
Ah, Alfred, that beeping sound is beginning to disturb me.
I'll have another go with the hi-fi, madam.
[telephone beeping]
Oh.
No, sir. I regret to inform you..
[foot steps approaching]
One second, he's here now.
[instrumental music]
I've been sorely tempted to have this device disconnected, sir.
I well understand, Alfred. Yes, commissioner.
Batman, Batman! I won't waste time telling you
how glad I'm to have finally reached you.
Please don't, go on.
What we suspected that canny continental crook
Sandman is in Gotham City.
Has made contact with Catwoman and the two of them--
Say no more, we'll be there in a matter of minutes, commissioner.
About that ringing in your ears.
Oh, it's louder than ever.
(both) To the Bat-poles!
[instrumental music]
Once more, what do we have here.
Today's exclusive scoop is Sleeping Beauty.
Or rather, the young lady who's abducted
from the Morpheus Mattress window display this morning.
And miraculously made her escape.
And just appeared in our studio.
Here, to tell her story.
Catwoman!
(Catwoman) 'I'm not here to tell my story.'
She should get an award for sheer gall.
I'm here to tell about the most heavenly sleep, I've ever had.
Yes. Well, there I was.
'Your run-of-the-mill customer.'
Having just bought this night gown.
When I saw the mattress display in the window
I thought I'd catch a cat...ch forty winks.
And the next moment
There I was, sleeping like a dream.
Completely unaware that you were in a store window.
Oh, unaware.
Thanks to Dr. Somnambula, I can sleep anywhere, anytime.
Dr. Somnambula?
[chuckling] I'm sorry but this is no place for free commercials.
I wouldn't do that.
Well, you see, I bought all these night gowns
but I couldn't sleep.
Dr. Somnambula cured me.
Dr. Somnambula can make anyone sleep.
The-the um...let's get back to your abduction.
[chuckling] Shall we ladies and gentlemen?
She's gone.
Of course she's gone.
There's a devious and dangerous design here
someplace, Chief O'Hara.
I beginning to think you're right, commissioner.
And what audacious arrogance.
Where the devil is Batman?
But while the Caped Crusader is headed for their rendezvous
with the diabolical destiny.
Once more what do we have here?
In this abandoned mattress factory.
You surprised me, Catwoman.
I saw the broadcast, you were charmingly convincing.
Except when I almost said, Cat-nap.
'But you didn't.'
Your disguise was perfect and it worked like a dream.
Now all of Gotham City will have heard of Dr. Somnambula.
And no one will suspect, that I shall be he.
Not even J. Pauline Spaghetti.
[telephone ringing]
Don't be alarmed, that phone is listed as my office.
Pretend you're my nurse.
Dr. Somnambula's office.
Ah, this is J. Pauline Spaghetti
I'd like to speak to the doctor.
The doctor is quite busy at the moment, Mrs. Spaghetti.
There's 80 patients in the office, 206 in the waiting room.
And the line outside extends around Gotham park.
Several times.
I am only interested in my own problems, nobody else's.
I saw that Sleeping Beauty on television, today.
Ah, I want to know what his fee is?
For a penthouse call.
Penthouse call?
[whispering] Fifty.
Fifty thousand dollars.
I would give him a 100,000, if he's here in 10 minutes.
Top floor, The J. Pauline Spaghetti hotel.
I'll give him your message, Mrs. Spaghetti.
He'll try and get back to you today.
[instrumental music]
- Did we get the 50? - 100,000.
[laughing]
What fun, I'll have with all those billions of dollar.
You'll have? Sandman?
We'll have, Catwoman.
That's better.
I do hope this, little caper will attract Batman and Robin.
Yes, I'd hope so. That's why I thought you'd be invaluable.
As a decoy for the Dynamic Duo?
Not exactly a decoy, but between us
we should be able to handle..
- ...the caped crime fighters - Purr-fectly.
[tire screeching]
- That was a quick trip. - Yes.
Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara
didn't have much to offer.
One, a policewoman's vanished.
Two, Catwoman and Sandman are apparently in cahoots.
Three, a girl was abducted from a store window.
Four, she turned up on television.
And five, she disappeared.
You're right, Batman, it's nothing.
Of course. As Commissioner Gordon says
it all could be building up to something.
Let's try putting ourselves in Sandman's shoes.
What would he be after.
Money! Isn't that we've always heard?
Exactly, old chum.
And into who's eyes would he scatter
his sand to get that money?
Someone very rich.
And very likely, someone who has trouble sleeping.
Or why the pointed plug on television for Dr. Somnambula?
Holy alter eagle!
You think Sandman and Dr. Somnambula
are one and the same?
I do, Robin. And I also think
that heiress, that Sleeping Beauty is Catwoman.
And it's all some murky masquerade to hoodwink hapless
sleepless moneybags.
Now, can you name some famous insomniacs?
Well, there was all Olaf, the saint of Norway.
He's been dead for 800 years.
And that famous Chinese historian, Fu Hup Chung.
Born with no eyelids.
How about that French Empress whose head stayed awake
even after she'd been guillotined?
Poor creature. No, it must be someone here in Gotham City.
Right now, let's give the Bat-computer a crack at it.
Batman, look!
What skinny macaroni!
No. It's Spaghetti, Robin.
A variety of elementary...paste.
Larger than vermicelli but not as tubular as maca..
[instrumental music]
That's it. Spaghetti.
J. Pauline Spaghetti!
One of the richest woman in the world
who made a fortune in noodles.
And who searched the world over for solution
to her sleeping problems.
Is that the J. Pauline Spaghetti
who owns the J. Pauline Spaghetti Hotel?
One and the same.
And she's right here at that hotel in Gotham City now.
There isn't a second to waste, Robin.
How long have you been suffering from insomnia, Mrs. Spaghetti?
Ever since I made my second billion.
With my secret noodle recipe.
[chuckling] That's very interesting.
Oh, uh, about seven years ago
I did doze for a few moments.
At a rock and roll concert.
Since then...nothing.
I'm sure I can help you, Miss Spaghetti.
First of all..
...let's see what the stethoscope tells us.
What does the stethoscope tell you about my forehead?
My dear Mrs. Spaghetti
Intransitive roots of your sensory motor activity
are located right here.
Between your pallet and ear canal.
And your sinualated cavities.
Wonderful.
[gas hissing]
Are you asleep, Mrs. Spaghetti?
Yes, doctor.
Where do you keep your financial records?
In my dressing table, just like any other woman.
Get them for me.
[instrumental music]
Here's my financial journal.
Back to bed again and lie down, Mrs. Spaghetti.
Sweet dreams and let nothing disturb you.
Oil fields.
Texas, Oklahoma, Saudi Arabia, Outer Mongolia.
Diamond mines?
Montana, South Africa..
Cash deposits.
Gotham City National Bank, Gotham City Security Bank
Gotham City Continental Bank, Gotham City..
I thought I told you to stay on the terrace
in case I ran into trouble.
You've run into trouble.
A funny looking jalopy parked in the rear alley.
Some kind of a hook snagged the terrace railing.
And two way-out characters are climbing up the wall on ropes.
Real weirdos.
Batman and Robin. Get out of here.
By the front way.
I'm gonna wrap this up in a jiffy.
[dramatic music]
What happened?
You've been in the land of nod Mrs. Spaghetti.
Not for long, but at least it was a start.
Oh, wonderful.
You are my savior, Dr. Somnambula.
Oh, I want you always by my side.
I want you to call me J. Pauline.
Batman, Robin, What brings you here?
If he's Dr. Somnambula.
Oh, indeed he is.
My own beloved Dr. Somnambula.
He has just given me the fresh real sleep I've had in years.
Mrs. Spaghetti, we have good reason to believe
the Dr. Somnambula is also Sandman.
The notorious European criminal.
And after your money.
That is utterly ridiculous.
He may just have stolen something while you were asleep.
You keep your valuables here?
Yes, in my dressing table drawer.
You must keep busy, Batman.
Climbing walls and making unfounded accusations.
Unfounded?
We know you're in cahoots with Catwoman.
Catwoman? Who is Catwoman?
We'll talk about that later.
And if anything's missing--
There is nothing missing.
My jewelry, my financial ledger.
Two or three hundred thousand dollars.
I keep for pin money. It is all here.
- Are you sure. - 'I am positive.'
And I refuse to listen to any more non-sense
about that medical genius, Dr. Somnambula.
He..
(Spaghetti) 'He's gone!'
You've driven him away with your stupid charges.
I'm sorry.
Even before he was paid.
I apologize.
Oh, how can I ever sleep again?
I don't know whether I can help you
with that, Mrs. Spaghetti.
But perhaps, if we left you alone.
Yes. I suppose you do that.
That door leads to the hall.
The hall leads to the elevator.
The elevator leads to the street.
It's quicker than any Bat-rope.
Moment's later, in the Morpheus Mattress factory
Batman and Robin are back on the Sandman's trail.
That was a brainstorm of yours, Batman.
Checking with Commissioner Gordon
about the signs of Sleeping Beauty's window.
Our encounter with J. Pauline woke me up a little, old chum
but beware and beware either.
There's something about this place that seems a little..
...strange.
It's nap time for both of you.
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[grunting]
[music continues]
[dramatic music]
Alright, boys, put him to bed.
This machine will button you up forever, Batman.
Wonder Boy, or whatever they call you.
Start the machine.
Robin, what have they done to you?
I'm sorry, we can't remain for the last stitch, Batman
But you were right about me and Catwoman.
And I promised her a little souvenir of this quilting.
Robin will fill the bill nicely.
Take him.
Are our eyes deceiving us?
Batman quilted to a mattress!
Robin led away by the abominable Sandman?
To be the sleeping pawn in Catwoman's
cat-and-mouse game?
Wait on pins and needles.
You'll find out tomorrow!
Same bat-time, same bat-channel.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman