¶ Batman
(male narrator) It's seven O' clock in the morning
and Gotham City is rubbing the sleep out of it's eyes.
Preparing to meet the new day.
But in the studios of KGC TV, Harry Upps has his morning show
already in progress.
And all of the primary functions of the Wayne foundation fund
is to support and supplement local recreational activities.
We believe that through physical fitness and organized sport.
We can help the youth of Gotham City help themselves.
That's very admirable, Mr. Wayne.
Your foundation is doing marvelous work.
Now, if you'll pardon for just 60 seconds.
A word from the sponsor?
Exactly, they wouldn't be highly rated
Harry Upps morning show without the sponsors.
Of course.
Friends, the rainy season is almost upon us.
And if you ever caught in the down pour
just reach for a "Stay-dry" umbrella.
'"Stay-dry" has been making umbrellas for 64 years now.'
I-I know that it's suppose to be bad luck to open an umbrella
indoors but...I'll take that chance.
Because I would like you to see the beautiful workmanship
that goes into this "Stay-dry" umbrella.
[beeping]
Please note the..
[intense music]
[no audio]
Looks like Harry Upps has lost his voice.
It may be the work of one of our arch-enemies.
But which one?
An umbrella usually means the Penguin's
waddling around somewhere.
And this is a riddle, "What's black and white
and full of fuzz?"
Zebra! Zebra? Zebra?
No. A squad car.
Yes.
Speaking of squad cars, Commissioner Gordon
always watches this program.
He should be calling us any second.
Are we on the air?
D-d-d-due to circumstances beyond anyone's control.
We-we, we now switch you to our mid-day movie.
"The Big Green Thing That Devoured Pittsburgh."
I'm sorry, sir. He's not here at the moment.
Uh, taking his morning constitutional, I fancy.
Oh, begging your pardon, sir. Here is Batman now.
Yes, Commissioner, you're calling about
'what happened in the morning show.'
Why, yes! How did you know?
'I viewed the entire affair.'
A criminal has to get up pretty early in the morning
to outwit you, Batman.
'Would you check on the location of Joker, Riddler and Penguin?'
'We'll meet you in your office as soon as possible.'
To the Bat-poles.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
It's merely an ordinary umbrella
with a mild electric shock device built into the handle.
Hardly enough to cause a man to loose his speech.
Well, he's not in any pain but
he can't say a word for the life of him.
A serious detriment for an announcer.
Poor man's been checked from toe-nails to tonsils
but all to no avail.
I think we should concentrate on who did it
rather than how it was done.
Commissioner, did you follow my suggestion?
Indeed, Batman. But the Joker, the Riddler and the Penguin
are all three in jail.
- It wasn't any of them. - Hmm.
- May we take this with us? - Of course, by all means.
Perhaps, one of the instruments in the Bat-cave
may be able to spread some light on this..
...baffling puzzle.
It's our only clue, let's go, Robin.
[instrumental music]
I don't believe they're ever have been or ever will be
two such selfless people.
They've certainly made my job a whole lot easier, commissioner.
And mine.
I think if I were to ask, Batman would give me the cape
right off his back. What a man!
[telephone ringing]
Yes, Bonnie.
Oh! By all means. Yes, send her in.
Hello, Commissioner Gordon, Chief O'Hara.
Catwoman, hello, hello, hello.
Gentlemen. I'd like you to meet, Eenie.
- Hi, commish! - Meanie, Miney and Moe.
We're pleased to meet you.
- Commissioner Gordon. - And Chief O'Hara.
I'm absolutely delighted to learn of your new venture
into the world of show business.
- Oh! Yes. - Ha ha.
And you know, it's so much safe for this side of the law.
Show business is such a...rewarding profession.
[laughing]
Tell me, what-what do you call yourselves?
'Catwoman and the kittens.'
[laughing] Catchy! Don't you think?
Oh yes, yes, quite.
We-we'd love to have you perform at
the Police Benevolence Society Ball.
- Will you? - With the greatest pleasure.
It'll be our debut.
We'll put on a performance, you'll never forget.
I cat-egorically promise you that.
Tell me, do Batman and Robin know I've been sprung?
Oh, dear! I had intended to tell them but it..
...completely slipped my mind in the throes of this morning's..
...incidents.
Do me a favor, commissioner.
Let it be our secret for the nonce.
Meow.
Batman will learn about it soon enough.
Come on, kittens.
Goodbye, Commissioner Gordon, Chief O'Hara.
Until we meet again, here's a kiss to build a dream on.
[instrumental music]
I just don't know, Commissioner.
What with her being back in town
and all that commotion this morning.
Do you suppose, she could be the cause of it?
Oh, nonsense, Chief O'Hara.
I can tell a reformed woman, when I see one.
And there is reformedwoman.
And in Catwoman's lair joining Duncan's Dance studio.
Yeah! Isn't it simply too delicious for work. Ha ha.
Do you really think, we'll be able to get away with it?
Of course, we will!
Didn't I snatch that silly announcer's voice
this morning without a hitch. Ha ha.
Eenie! Get me his voice.
(Harry) 'I'll take that chance, because I would like you to see'
'the beautiful workmanship that goes into'
'this "Stay-dry" umbrella.'
'Please note the..'
- Mm. - 'So where did it get us?'
You risked getting us caught just to pull a prank.
Prank?
Eenie, sometimes I think you left
'your brain in San Francisco.'
I did it to take suspicion away from us.
And set the wheels of justice skidding in the wrong direction.
[laughing]
When we complete this caper we're gonna have enough money
to keep us in catnip forever.
Or else, I'm gonna give the whole world a severe case of
permanent laryngitis. Fellows..
'...are you sure, that article didn't mention
'where they're staying?'
"The world's most popular singing duo."
- "Chad and Jeremy." - "Are coming to Gotham City.
to appear at the Police Benevolence Society Ball."
"Due to the anticipated rush of their fans."
"The accommodation for Chad and Jeremy are being kept secret."
Get the commissioner on the phone.
Are you nuts?
You ask him anything, he'll suspect you for sure.
Let's get something straight.
Catwoman is top dog around here and let's not forget it, Eenie.
[instrumental music]
Hello, Catwoman! What can I do for you?
You can tell me where Chad and Jeremy are staying
while they're here in Gotham City.
Oh, no. I-I couldn't do that, it's top secret information
and very hush-hush.
You don't trust me?
I'm deeply hurt.
I thought you of all people will give solace to an ex-convict.
Well, is there any particular reason, you want to know?
I wanna make certain, we won't perform
any of the same songs they will.
You want this show to be a success, don't you?
Well, since you put it that way.
They'll be at the home of millionaire, Bruce Wayne.
Now, look here, you must promise not to divulge'
'this information to anyone.'
I give you my word.
'As a lady and a scholar.'
'Tell me, commissioner. They call you'
'the voice of authority in Gotham City, do they not?'
Ah, at times, yes-yes. Why do you ask?
And if you couldn't speak?
It might severely cripple your effectiveness, would it not?
What do you mean?
Just say bye-bye, commissioner.
[beeping]
I-I..
[intense music]
No more pompous prattle from you.
[telephone ringing]
Hello.
You can win a free dance lesson at Duncan's Dance Studios
if you answer this simple question.
Sorry, I'm not interested in dance lessons.
Wait a minute, Dick.
- The Junior prom's coming up? - Yes, but..
We don't want you to be a wallflower, do we?
Dancing is an integral part of every young man's education.
Gosh, Bruce, you're right but..
Dancing?
Alright, miss, what's the question?
Who painted the Whistler's Mother?
Why...Whistler of course.
Congratulations!
- You mean, that's it? - That's it!
When do I get my lesson?
'I'll be right over.'
Can you imagine that?
First time in my life, I ever won anything.
Congratulations!
I've to go to the electronic store to pick up a tube
for the Bat-sound-analyzer, we can't move without it.
- I should be back in an hour. - Okay.
One, two, three
- Oww! - Oh, sorry.
That's alright you'll get it. You're doing fine.
I don't think, I'll ever learn to dance, Ms. Kluss.
(Dick) 'I just don't have any natural rhythm.'
Balderdash!
If you'll pardon the expression now.
Ugh.
[instrumental music]
I'm a little outta breath.
- Can we take a break? - Certainly.
Very nice place, you have here, Master Grayson.
Very homey.
Fourteen bathrooms.
Eighteen bedrooms.
How many entrances are into the place?
Three.
Why are you asking all these question about the house?
You seem more interested in the layout of Wayne Manor
than in...giving me a dancing lesson.
When I get through with you, Master Grayson.
I'll have taught you, one heck of lesson.
What are those things there?
Dogwood, why?
Dog?...I'm allergic to... Ah-ah-choo!
[instrumental music]
Why, you're no dance teacher.
- You're Catwoman! - Oh!
Mercy, me!
[explosion]
[coughing]
[instrumental music]
And at Gotham City airport.
England's singing sensations, Chad and Jeremy
are due to arrive.
[crowd cheering]
- Have no fear. - Chad and Jeremy are here.
Oh, aren't they, just the most adorable twosome in the world?
If you don't count, Batman and Robin.
[instrumental music]
What do you think of the States?
Do us a favor, we've only been here two minutes.
Sometimes it takes us as long as half an hour
to get to really know a country.
(male reporter #1) Your hair-cut, Jeremy.
What haircut? I've not a trim in weeks.
Actually, he wears it that way
so people won't confuse him with his mother.
She's bald, poor thing.
- 'Is that right?' - Yeah, it's right.
'What're your plans after your appearance in Gotham City?'
(Chad) 'We're going straight back home.'
'We're gonna do a performance for the Queen.'
¶ ..Of life that was spent
¶ In painting and enemy that..
Catwoman.
Nice to see a responsible citizen like you for a change.
Thank you, sergeant.
¶ ..I living symbol of your..
Come on, let's get out of here entirely too many people
for us to get away with it here.
Get away with what, Catwoman? We still don't know your plan.
You will, Eenie.
Let's go.
¶ ..Come clear as you see me sitting..¶
What is your favorite group?
- Chamber Of Commerce. - PTA, that sort of thing.
Yes.
You might all have slept for a week,
had I not administered the universal drug antidote.
Holy Rip Van Winkle!
One good thing did come out of it, Robin.
We now know who are our adversary is.
Poor Commissioner Gordon. He was so taken in by Catwoman.
She's a very beautiful, very...enthralling woman, Robin.
When you get a little older, you'll see how easy it is
to become lured by the female of the species.
[computer beeping]
"Duncan Dance Studio, Tango's our specialty
"37-41, Lorelle Avenue."
To the Batmobile.
[instrumental music]
Meantime, it's tea time.
For Wayne Manor house guests.
There you are.
- Thank you. - I hope you like it.
Help yourself to cream and sugar.
I always think tea is so civilized, don't you?
I didn't realize, this custom had reached the colonies.
Oh, my, yes! We serve tea every afternoon.
Oh, great!
When Bruce told me that, you were going to stay here.
- I did expect-- - Now don't tell me.
You expected two grubby morons to come barging in here
and start smashing up the place, Didn't you?
Well, I..
Alright, Chad. You start smashing the cushions.
I'll go in and deal with crockery in the kitchen.
Don't worry, love, we're not really like that, you know.
It's just our image.
[sighing]
You know, it's funny, but just because our fans
are occasionally over demonstrative
people expect us to be the same way.
Thank you.
For instance, Chad here, was a medical student.
And I was reading for the law when our first record came out.
We hoped to go back to school, to complete our education.
(both) Can't be a dropout.
Just, think of it.
Every record our fans buy.
Brings me another notch closer to becoming a brain surgeon.
Well!
Mercy alive!
We can't appear at the Police Ball, now.
Not after you, stole the commissioner's voice.
Everybody knows, you haven't really gone straight.
Why don't you steal Batman's voice while you're at it.
Never! One of the few joys I have in life
is when his rich, manly baritone
caresses my ears with "Catwoman, you're under arrest".
Oh! It makes everything worthwhile.
They're going to track us down, Catwoman. Sure as shooting.
They'll be at the dance studio in two shakes of a cat's tail.
And we just wait here?
Never you mind, my terrible trio tabbies, fear not.
I have everything under control.
Batman and Robin, will be at their final performance.
Now!
I want you two to pretend, you're customers.
And I want you..
[instrumental music]
No-no-no, I'm sorry, sir.
The Watusi is definitely out.
Now, maybe I can interest you in one of our seven year courses
in a Magyar folk dances.
Citizen.
[chuckling]
Well, well, well.
If it isn't a..
And a..
Oh isn't that off. I know your names as well as I know my own.
Benton Bellgoody.
- Batman. - And Robin.
Oh, how could I forget a thing.. Of course.
What-what-what can I do for you, Robin?
Uh, we're here to see Ms. Kluss.
She's one of your dance instructors.
Oh, well, I'm afraid that's impossible right now.
You see with all the new dance steps on the way out.
She's busy trying to find some things on the way in.
Just tell her Batman and Robin are here, Mr. Bellgoody.
And tell her fast!
My my, there's a little bit of the devil in you, isn't there?
[chuckling]
Just as I suspected, Robin. She's up to her old tricks.
Catwoman, can't you see the folly of your ways?
With your beauty and intelligence
you could go much further helping your fellow man
rather than harming him.
A bit of whimsy that escapes me at the moment, Batman.
Get 'em, guys!
[instrumental music]
- You know something? - Hmm?
If he weren't such an old stick in the mud
I might let him live.
But I think I can handle Batman
it's just the Robin's "All work and no play".
You know, maybe I can fix you up with Robin.
Ah, it'll never work, he's too young.
That age, all they're interested in is baseball.
Ah!
[box crashing]
[grunting]
[music continues]
Now, are you ready to come quietly, Catwoman?
I guess so, Batman.
Batman, can I ask you a favor before
you send me up the river without a paddle?
- What is that? - Ha, ha, ha.
Can I freshen up a little bit with make-up?
I mean my image might be damaged if I were seen in public
with a shiny nose.
Yes, go ahead but don't try anything untoward.
[intense music]
[coughing]
Holy Heidelberg! What she do that for?
I'm afraid... we've been drugged, Robin.
I-I guess you can never trust a woman.
You've made a hasty... generalization, Robin.
It's a bad habit to get into it.
But in this situ--situation
it's entirely appro... appro... appro..
[intense music]
(Catwoman) 'Wake up, little baby boys.'
[intense music]
How you been, Batty boy?
Catwoman!
I'd advice you to yap as little as possible, boys.
You've been encased in an enormous echo chamber
weighing two tons.
Every sound there will be magnified ten million times.
(Catwoman) 'Even your breathing will sound like thunder.'
'And don't bother looking for your utility belt'
I've had it burned. Ha, ha, ha.
Oh so, what's the purpose, CW?
You saw that the drip..
Why can't I get good help?
Moe, turn on the faucet.
[intense music]
[liquid dripping]
I'm sure you recognize this is a very Asian
of the legendary Chinese water torture.
When I throw that switch, the noise'll become excruciating.
And your eardrums will be shattered.
Shortly following that
your brains will be turned into "yech."
(Catwoman) 'And then I shall return.'
And then you can be mine forever, Batman.
True, I'll have to sacrifice your intellect.
Oh, well..
...with a build like yours, who cares?
After all, one can't have one's cake and..
...eat it too.
Ta-ta.
[intense music]
[reverberating loudly]
Zounds! What sounds!
Will Batman be reduced to a handsome robot
fit only to serve Catwoman?
Is Robin to become little more
than a cuddly teddy bear for Eenie?
The answer to these and other ear-shattering
questions tomorrow!!
Same Cat-Time!! Same Cat-Channel!!