¶ Batman
(male narrator) We have previously seen
in a fancy new restaurant run by an old friend.
A gay dinner party.
Interrupted by a shocking and senseless theft.
Caught red-handed, too red-handed.
It could've been a plot. Better call Batman.
Strange he wants to be arrested.
So let him go.
Spy on him. Find out his plans.
Cold-blooded murder.
A fake! Another attempt to get in to the pen.
What? A super crook like him in a mere City Jail?
What's his scheme? Got it!
He wanted to contact a forger who's doing time.
But Penguin broke out of jail.
Snatched Chief O'Hara as a hostage.
Challenge the Dynamic Duo to a fair duel.
A fair duel with that crooked bird?
O'Hara in a trunk.
Deadly Penguin guns waiting.
High voltage electric cables into the pool.
Shut your eyes! Hold your breath!
In just one minute the gunfire is going to blast.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[intense music]
Look! That trunk in the slide.
Push it.
- Holy David Jones! - Hold it.
This could be a death trap.
Fire!
Down! Bat-shield.
[gunfire]
Holy Guadalcanal, Batman.
What now?
Stay calm. Let's assess this desperate situation.
[gunfire]
Dodge the doughnuts. Chief O'Hara is in that trunk.
And look! There's Penguin at that electric switch.
Right. First thing, drive the bird away
with a Bat-pellet.
[explosion]
Nice eye, Batman.
No time for compliments, I'm afraid.
Let's advance our bat-shield through this deadly gunfire.
Make for those big electric cables.
Right you are.
[intense music]
What do we do? Cut them with our insulated bat-clippers?
On the contrary, I'll reverse the polarity
with my special bat-inverter.
Oh! I'm blinded.
Those dratted Bat-pellets.
Watch it! Penguin's getting back to that electric switch.
Indeed. Just as I'd hoped. Get back.
Oh! Fry Chief O'Hara.
You fry and sizzle and boil.
[thud]
Holy levitation. How did that happen?
Simple by reversing the polarity of the cables
I transform the swimming pool into a gigantic anti-magnet.
It repelled the metal of the trunk.
Curses. We're out of ammunitions?
Maybe it's a trick to get us out from behind our Bat-shield.
No trick, Robin. They're out of ammunitions.
How do you know?
Easy.
I've been counting their bullets.
At them. Surrender, you criminals.
[quacking]
[dramatic music]
Up with your flippers.
Open the trunk. Release Chief O'Hara.
Roger.
[quacking]
[grunting]
- Are you alright? - Phew!
Drat it! It's most irritating.
A perfect plot gone awry.
It'll happen to the criminal every time, Penguin.
Get set for a shot flight.
Next stop for you, the bar of justice.
[quacking]
Next case, Bill.
An arraignment, Your Honor.
Mr. Penguin and his rascally restaurateurs.
On what charge?
Various, Your Honor.
Kidnapping of a police chief.
(male #1) 'Illegal electrification of a swimming pool.'
'Littering public property with machine gun cartridges'
'without proper license therefore.'
'Attempted murder.'
Mayhem, battery and compound assault.
Dear me, most serious.
Uh, where is Mr. Jefferson Hamfurter
the district attorney?
With your permission, Judge Moot.
Mr. Hamfurter has asked me to represent the people.
Of course. It'll be an honor, Batman.
Will the prisoner Penguin rise and state how he pleads?
[grinning]
[coughs]
[quacks]
In the immortal phrase of Emile Zola
J'accuse!
What? You accuse?
Indeed, Your Honor.
I accuse Batman and Robin
and the Gotham City Police Department
with conspiracy to deprive me of my lawful rights.
You got that?
On what facts do you base your grave charge, Mr. Penguin?
Well, early yesterday evening, Your Honor
I was apprehended in the act of heisting
a diamond bracelet
from the wrist of one Mrs. Harriet Cooper
and although my guilt was manifest
Batman and Robin prevented my arrest.
Astonishing.
What do you say, Batman?
It's quite true, Your Honor.
I felt in this peculiar situation--
He felt, he felt!
Under what do we live in Gotham City, sir?
We live under a court of law?
Or we live under a costumed mad man's feelings?
Point well taken, Mr. Penguin.
Thank you, Your Honor.
- Your Honor, I object to-- - 'Objection overruled.'
Continue, Mr. Penguin.
Thank you, sir.
As a law breaking citizen
I had and I have
a clear right of admission
into the Gotham State Penitentiary.
Quite so. Quite so.
Now, deprived of those rights.
I had no other recourse
but to protect myself by any means at my disposal.
Hmm? Hm.
In other words, the acts of which you were accused
were merely a citizen's reaction to illegal police conspiracy.
Solomon himself could have put it in
no neater nutshell, Your Honor.
But, Your Honor, kidnapping
mayhem, the attempt to drowning of our beloved police chief--
Holy flip-flop.
What's happened to justice?
You call attempted mayhem a normal citizen's reaction?
Enough, Boy Wonder.
I fear you're out of your depth in these thorny matters.
'Way, way out.'
Now, our court of law is the corner stone of our society.
Whenever it is violated by those sworn to uphold it
which you clearly did, Batman.
'Then what recourse has the humble citizen, but, action?'
Now, which of us is to cast the first stone?
We've been outwitted, Robin.
It's not fair.
Let's fight.
Another day, another way.
Your Honor, the people withdraw their case.
Very well.
Dismiss the charges.
Release Mr. Penguin and his rascally restaurateurs.
[quacking]
Do you mean that you're not sending me to the state pen?
No.
Your eloquence has gained you freedom, Mr. Penguin.
Now, fly the straight and narrow path forever more.
F-oh!
[dramatic music]
This is one plan and one more twist.
There. That oughta do it.
Remarkable, indeed, sir.
You can say that again.
I bet Batman's the only one in the world
with a hand steady enough to paint false finger prints.
Come, come, Robin. Don't exaggerate.
All it takes is a little practice and a bit of patience.
Fortunate the criminal classes don't realize the possibilities.
It wouldn't help them, if they did, Alfred.
Poor wretches are addicted to tobacco and alcohol.
The lack the nerve control for this sort of work.
You know, you're wrong.
I've committed it to memory by rote sir.
So, proceed to The Penguin's Nest. Good luck.
It's a privilege to be of help, sir. Good day.
Uh! Uh, uh.
Don't touch anything for a minute and 23 seconds.
- Remember it. - Very good, sir.
Yes.
Robin, would you get me the police headquarters
via the special tip line please?
Roger.
It's ringing.
Good.
(male #1) 'Police, headquarters.'
This is a friend speaking..
[dramatic music]
There's trouble at table seven.
What now? A nit-wit complaining about a fly in his caviar?
Police trouble.
Police? What do you mean?
That bonehead chief flatfoot.
The one that we tried to bump off. Better have a look.
[grunting]
Quack, quack!
But my dear chap.
Don't you dear chap me, Mr. Quillpen Quirch.
Quillpen Quirch.
Who's he?
My pretty brainless birdie.
He's merely most brilliant criminal penman
who ever lived for an astonishing stroke of luck.
Get out of town, Quillpen.
As Saint Patty said to the snakes in dear old Ireland
"Out!"
I give you three hours.
Or is it too neat to be a stroke of luck.
Right, it might be a trap.
Chickadee, get the gentleman's finger prints.
Mr. Dee, come with me.
[quacking]
Hmm. Finger prints.
Famous forgers international.
Ha! Here we are.
His water glass, Pengy.
Well done, my sweet..
[quacking]
[humming]
Mm-hmm.
Right index finger.
Will you read me Quirch's classification file?
"12-R-7-1-Q-6."
...7-1-Q-6.
Eureka!
It's Quillpen after all.
Shh. Quack, quack, quack!
[instrumental music]
Your host and colleague, Mr. Quirch.
That brainy bird of crime
The Penguin.
I'm honored, comrade Penguin.
Oh, yeah..
Now, uh, allow me
to suggest a mutually profitable collaboration.
By all means, old bird.
What's the set up?
See it happens that I have very cleverly got hold of..
Curious.
I-I-I have a strange feeling
that I've seen you some where before, Mr. Quirch.
Well, perhaps my, my fizz in the Rogues Gallery.
No, I don't think so.
Great heavenly ice floes.
Mercy me.
Oh, the poor man has fainted.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Friends of The Penguin's Nest.
I regret to announce the outbreak of a sudden epidemic
Moldavian food poisoning.
I suggest, while you can, run for your life
to your favorite family position.
[screaming]
Quack.
- What's happened? - Who is he, Pengy?
He's an imposter.
I recognize him as a busy body
who has stumbled in my stew before.
His name is Alfred.
He's the faithful butler of the millionaire Bruce Wayne.
Quack, quack, quack, quack.
I don't like it.
He should have check in five minutes ago.
Gosh! Do you think Penguin's seen through our ploy?
I don't know.
But I may have made a grave mistake
in sending Alfred to that devil's lair.
Come on, Robin. Quickly.
I-I don't get it. Why should Bruce Wayne's butler
be wearing a set of phony finger prints?
Alas! It's too simple.
See, Mr. Wayne is a very prominent bank director.
And they have got the wind of my super crooked forgery scheme.
And this is a counter plot.
Led by the Gotham City league of bankers.
Yeah. Yeah. That figures.
So, what do we do?
I am brainy, I am nimble.
I am versatile.
This Bruce Wayne will pay dearly for his clumsy interf..
Mr. Blue!
Mr. Blue, I want you to prepare 50 pounds of pie crust.
We are going to make a gigantic butler pie.
[quacking]
[dramatic music]
Sinister.
This could be a crude attempt to throw us off.
There's no one in the dining room.
There maybe someone in the kitchen.
Let's find out.
[dramatic music]
Alfred's Bowler.
Heavily with...pastry flour.
Holy chocolate eclair!
What can it mean, Batman?
I scarcely dare think.
I fear..
...it's too grim.
[screaming]
Who are you?
What's the meaning of this?
It's a catered affair, madam, in honor of Mr. Bruce Wayne.
- Is he home? - No.
We'll wait.
You get out of here!
You get out of here at once!
Shoo! You hideous creatures.
[phone ringing] Shoo!
Answer it.
Answer it!
H-h-hello.
Hi, there, Aunt Harriet, it's Dick.
Bruce and I were just wondering
if there's anything new around the house.
Well, yes, I'd say, there certainly is.
Hello!
This Mr. P.N. Guin.
[Penguin laughing]
Penguin, you--
Careful you're Dick Grayson.
You mean, The Penguin?
The famous criminal, I've read so much about?
That's who I mean, Dickey Boy.
And you better tell your guardian Mr. Wayne
that if he wants to see Alfred alive
he better hurry home fast.
Quick, to the Batmobile.
[tires screeching]
Oh, there you are, Mr. Wayne.
Good day, Mr. Wayne.
And Good day, my boy.
Welcome, welcome, to both of you.
Why, what an extraordinary pastry.
Biggest I've ever seen.
Yes, it's name is humble pie, Mr. Wayne.
And you are about to eat it.
- You don't say. - Yes, Mr. Blue.
(Penguin) 'Prepare to light the burner.'
Now inside that pie, is Quillpen Quirch.
The famous British forger.
- Why, you-- - Steady. I'll handle this.
And he will be cooked before your very eyes
'millionaire Bruce Wayne, the bankers' friend.'
'Unless you compensate me'
to the tune of one million dollars cash, now.
A million.
Uh, I believe I have that sum on hand
in a small vault safe in my study.
Come on, I'll help you get it out.
[quacking]
Quick, turn off the automatic costume change device.
Costume device off.
Quickly.
Now, a small tricky charades to preserve our secret identities.
- Take your cues from me. - Roger.
Look, Dick. Good gravy, Dick.
Coming through that window.
Why, Bruce, isn't that Batman and Robin, Bruce?
(Batman) 'It's certainly is, Dick.'
Go on get them, Batman and Robin.
(Dick) 'We'll stay here and not to be in your way.'
That's enough.
Curses.
We have you this time, Penguin.
We planted a tiny homing device in your hat
'we've been tracking your relentlessly.'
Up with your flippers.
Surrender that gigantic pie.
To the front, my rascally restaurateurs.
[dramatic music]
[grunting]
[quacking]
Ooh!
[grunting]
One, two..
[quacking]
Stop, Batman. Stop or I'll blow the lady's brains out.
Batman!
Well, hit, madam.
[quacking]
Quickly, down and up the Bat-poles, before they wake.
Phew!
[grunting]
Good gravy.
That must have been quite a battle.
Yes, indeed, sir.
Too bad you missed it.
Where are they, Alfred?
I'd like to give them my thanks.
They departed through the window, sir. In some haste.
Oh, and, sir, they asked me to give you a message
should you ever again come up again such a criminal
as The Penguin
don't endeavor to capture him yourselves, call the police.
The job of crime fighting is there's.
F-oh!
There you are. Only one.
Triumph at last.
We're being sent to the state pen.
Rendezvous with Ballpoint Baxter in the next cell.
You still got the handwriting samples, Pengy?
Of course, I do.
In the handle of my tricky umbrella.
Good morning, commissioner.
(Gordon) 'Oh, hello, Bruce.'
Has my man arrived?
He should have been here by now. O'Hara went to get him.
Oh, here he is now.
(Penguin) 'Ballpoint.'
Ballpoint Baxter.
That's right, Mr. Penguin.
I've just secured him the parole.
Mr. Baxter is going to teach penmanship
in one of the Wayne Foundation Camps
for under privileged children.
Oh, no, no.
What about the under privileged criminal?
Alright, you crooked birds, let's get moving.
[quacking] Come on.
[quacking]
Ballpoint.
Ballpoint, Ballpoint, don't leave me.
Alright, come on, the bus is ready
to take you to the state pen.
[quacking]
Come on, Mr. Baxter.
Honest life awaits.
One I'm sure you'll find very, very satisfying.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman