¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
(male narrator) Atop this skyscraper, the gala opening
of a new super-swank restaurant.
Run by an old, super-crooked friend.
Delighted, Mrs. Vanswank.
It's charming of you to honor my humble establishment.
This way please. Quack, quack, quack.
[intense music]
It's so sweet of you to ask all of us here as your guests.
Guests of the house, I'm glad to say.
One who would quack should be here.
We were so pleased with..
...Penguin having opened this perfectly beautiful restaurant.
Hi, my friends. Are you enjoying yourselves?
We certainly are, thank you.
Most inspiring, Penguin.
To think that you've mastered this art of old cuisine
and the kitchen's of the Gotham City State Penitentiary.
Certainly proves that almost nothing is impossible.
Well, thank you, Mr. Wayne. Thank you kindly.
I have one small question though.
This strange system you have for ordering food.
- Strange? - Yes.
Instead of giving the waiter our orders
we're required to write them out
'on individual slips of paper.'
I was struck by the oddness of that myself.
Why?
Efficiency, Mr. Wayne. Efficiency.
Pretty fishy, if you ask me.
Chief O'Hara, what kind of way is that
'to address our generous host?'
Alright, I apologize.
Accepted, my dear chief.
Oh, my sweet lady.
I do hope that you're enjoying your dinner.
Oh, yes. Everything is lovely.
Well, thank you.
In that case, thank you very much.
[quacking]
Oh! Merciful heavens to Betsy!
My diamond bracelet is gone!
Hold it, you crooked bird.
Chief O'Hara.
Alright, open your mitts, Penguin.
I saw you lift it.
Why, you dratted fellow, unhand me.
Ah!
Good gravy! What a stupid, clumsy crime.
Well, speak up, Penguin. What do you say?
- I say F-oh! - What?
Looks like I'm caught with my feathers down, isn't it?
Chief O'Hara, place Penguin under arrest.
For grand larceny in first degree.
Yes, sir. A great pleasure, sir.
'Wait a minute.'
Wait, Bruce? What for?
Sure'n and we caught him red-handed, didn't we?
True, Chief O'Hara.
However there's something strange about all this.
So strange that..
Wouldn't it be perhaps wise to consult Batman?
Batman?
On a simple case like this, Bruce?
Bruce is right.
The simpler a case looks, the more tricky it is.
F-oh! Who needs Batman? Take me to prison.
That does it!
On this pompous waddling master of foul play all
but asks to be arrested. Huh!
Thanks for the advice, Bruce. I'll call Batman at once
I think I saw a phone booth in the lobby.
Excuse me, Aunt Harriet, I have a call of my own to make.
Uh, Police switch board, this is Commissioner Gordon.
Please put this call through the hotline Bat-phone immediately.
[telephone ringing]
- Alfred, where are you? - I'm in the Bat-cave, sir.
I was dusting the anti-crime computer.
In a few seconds the Bat-phone will be flashing
switch it into this line.
Very good, sir.
Ha! There it flashes now.
[bat-phone flashing]
- Uh, hello? - I'll summon him at once, sir.
We're in luck. Batman's at home.
Ha, wonderful!
- Hello? - Yes, commissioner.
A strange and baffling crime
at The Penguin's Nest Restaurant.
Can you meet me here at once?
It may take a little longer than that, commissioner.
Well, don't worry, Batman. I'll wait for you.
- He's on his way. - Splendid.
And so are we. I just lost all my appetite
Do you mind, Bruce?
Of course not, my dear. Whatever you say.
- Goodnight, Bruce. - Goodnight, commissioner.
- Goodnight. - Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Mrs. Cooper. - Goodnight.
[intense music]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
[tires screeching]
Most irritating.
Just when I learned a flash trick.
Destroyed again.
What's your story, Penguin?
Well, I was the victim of an irresistible criminal impulse.
So that's his defense. Temporary insanity.
F-oh! Me plead insanity? Quack!
I wouldn't dream of it.
Grand larceny in first degree
it means another trip up the river.
Well, you can't win 'em all, Batman.
That's how the iceberg crumbles.
Stranger and stranger.
Tell me, commissioner..
...what kind of business was this restaurant doing?
Fabulous! Virtually every millionaire
in Gotham City was here tonight.
I checked the books.
The average tab came to 87 bucks per person.
And not counting drinks and the 100 smackers cover charge.
Holy straight jacket!
Imagine throwing away a business
worth hundreds of thousands for one diamond bracelet.
- Incredible. - Indeed.
- Tell me, Penguin. - Hmm.
Who are your associates in this curious venture?
Quack, quack! Quack, quack!
(together) Yes, sir.
My associates, Batman.
Reading from right to left.
Cordy Blue, my chef.
Hey! I know that bird.
He used to be chief hassling at the state pen.
Matey Dee, my head waiter.
Astonishing.
He did a term up the river
as Warden Crichton's personal valley.
And last, but not least
Chickadee, my hat chick and cigarette girl.
Not to mention, notorious female bootlegger of untaxed cigars.
- Ahem! - An unsavory crew.
Well, they're all out on perfectly legal parole.
You want to see their papers, Batman?
No, thank you, Penguin.
You may resume your normal duties.
- Commissioner, Chief O'Hara. - Yeah.
You make something of this enigma, Batman?
It sticks out like Penguin's nose.
For some sinister reason that pompous bird
wants to be arrested.
- Good heavens! - But why?
I can't imagine
but it's obviously his ploy stealing that bracelet
under your very eyes.
And The Penguin wants to be arrested.
Precisely, Robin.
The way to foil his plot is to do just the opposite.
Are you certain you know what you're doing, Batman?
We'll soon find out, commissioner.
Watch.
Hmm. I'm going restless.
Where is that dratted paddy wagon?
It's not coming, Penguin.
What?
We've had a conference, Penguin.
We have decided that your impulsive theft
of that bobble was merely a case of post prison nerves.
Do you mean that you're not gonna pinch me?
Even the rottenest bird deserves another chance.
Great quivering jellyfish! What an outrage.
What did I tell you?
You can't let a felonious felon like me fly free.
That's what we're doing, Penguin.
Ah, it's impossible! It's monstrous.
[grunting]
Okay, Penguin.
- No, chief, no! - What?
He was merely baiting us. Don't swallow.
Have a heart, chief. Penguin didn't mean any harm.
Didn't mean any harm?
Hittin' a police commissioner in the puss with a pie?
No, no! He was simply over rot with astonishment.
Anyone can make the same mistake.
(Batman) 'Right, commissioner?'
Of course. Anything you say, Batman.
Goodnight, Penguin.
I recommend a cup of warm cocoa
to calm your post prison nerves.
- Come on. - Argh! F-oh!
Phooey! Fogie!
I'd like to grab that bird by the neck.
I'd like to pluck 'em. I'd like to prod him.
All the way to the pen with a pointed stick.
And toss the rest of this pie in after him.
Easy, gentlemen. Control your emotions.
Batman's right. We mustn't make a move
until we found out what Penguin's plot is.
Which we're going to attempt to do right now.
What do you have in mind, Batman?
His criminal headquarters must be in the adjoining kitchen.
We'll descend to the ground floor via elevator
and make our way up the outside wall without Bat-ropes.
Terrific! Let's go.
Argh! That pestilential pair!
The one time in my life that I wanted to get arrested
and they pop in and brock it.
Down, Pengy Poopsie, don't loose your cool.
F-oh! I'm The Penguin.
How can a Penguin loose his cool?
Alright, you got those food orders, Matey Dee?
- Right here, sir. - Quack, quack, quack!
Oh! How disgustingly frustrating.
Here, in my hands are raw material for criminal millions.
And I can't get into prison to process it.
How about driving around park in front of fireplugs?
Spitting on a couple of sidewalks?
F-oh! Fiddlesticks.
If a bird can't get arrested by potting a police commissioner
with a pie, what chance for those piddling boys?
Peggy, look! The handle of your umbrella
(Chickadee) 'It's flashing.'
Ha ha. So it is!
- Quack! Quack! - What does it mean, boss?
It's my brand new Bat-detector.
And it means there are bats in this belfry.
Our plot is back on the track.
It's sure a shame, Batman.
A restaurant with such terrific chow
turning out to be a mere front for some criminal scheme.
Look at it this way, Robin.
That $100 cover charge is pretty stiff.
Penguin's terrific chow is hardly
within the budget of the average worker.
Gosh, yes! You're right, Batman.
All the needy people in the world.
The hungry children.
Good thinking, Robin.
Oh! It's you, Batman.
You gave me quite a start.
Yes, citizen, you may return to your harpsichord.
We're on official business.
Oh!
[intense music]
Coming up to our level now.
Heading for the window, no doubt.
Quack, quack, quack.
Our precious, little eavesdropper.
I'll give him something to drop about.
What's the plan, Batman?
Routine crime detection.
We'll listen to him via Bat-microphone
and peer through this window.
You're a traitor, Mr. Blue.
You betrayed us all.
Death to traitors.
[gunshot]
Great Scott!
Holy firing squad!
[glass shattering]
Drat it! Caught red-handed, ain't I?
Yes!
And no, Penguin.
Yes and no.
Yipe!
- Holy Blank Cartridge! - Precisely, Robin.
A sham.
How the heck did you know?
I observed the recoil of that umbrella gun.
Obviously it's angular.
Momentum was inadequate for the mass of a real bullet.
So, Penguin
another crude attempt to buy a ticket to the lock up, eh?
F-oh! I don't know what you're talking about, Batman.
Don't worry, you've succeeded.
You're arresting me?
As a duly deputized agent of the law..
...that's what I hereby do.
[Penguin quacking]
(Penguin) 'Outrageous! I'll sue you,' you insidious upstarts.
You have absolutely no right to do this to me.'
How dare you!
How dare you confine a super criminal of my ilk.
in this petty City Jail.
- Alright! - It's all you rate, Penguin.
What? This tawdry, penny ante pokey?
on a charge of simulated murder?
Simulated murder.
I guess we forgot to tell him.
You're in here for violating the sanitary code.
- What? - Article 69B.
Forbidding the discharge of umbrella guns
in the kitchen of a licensed restaurant.
Call your lawyer. Have him look it up.
Good day, Penguin.
Reflect on your petty sins, you bush league bird.
Quack! Quack! Quack!
(Penguin) 'Incarcerated for a violation of the sanitary code.'
'It's impossible, I..'
It's unconstitutional.
Quack, quack!
Here we are. Layout of the state pen.
Maximum security wing.
That's Penguin's permanently reserved cell.
Number P-1, with a connecting door to cell Q-7.
Now to find out what criminal presently occupies Q-7.
"Cell Q-7, presently occupied by Barney F. Baxter.
"Alias Ballpoint Baxter."
Yes, Ballpoint.
That ugly master of forgery.
My hunch is right, Robin.
- It all fits like my glove. - How so, Batman?
Remember that curious mode of ordering
in Penguin's restaurant?
Sure. Instead of telling the waiter what you wanted
you had to write it out.
Precisely, Robin.
Thus furnishing Penguin
with a perfect sample of his patron's handwriting
signature and all.
I get it!
Penguin planned to take those samples to the state pen
and have Ballpoint transfer them to checks.
Right, Robin.
One of the most brilliant
forgery schemes we've ever uncovered.
But gosh!
How would Ballpoint lay his mitts
on blank check forms in the state penitentiary?
Good question, Robin. Let's call Warden Crichton and find out.
[telephone ringing]
Uh, Warden Crichton, Gotham State Penitentiary.
Sorry to wake you from your routine afternoon nap, warden.
Batman here with a small but vital question.
Yes, yes, of course.
Among your current guests is one Ballpoint Baxter.
Is there any way this creature could get his hands
on blank check forms?
No trouble at all.
He'd have to order them from the prison print shop.
You mean, prisoners can order
blank check forms from the print shop?
Certainly, Batman.
The idea is to teach them how to handle their personal finances
in a responsible fashion.
Once they leave these grim walls and rejoin the society.
I see. Another first.
Another of your advanced penological techniques.
Right. Why?
You think it's unwise, Batman?
I don't know.
I've always had
boundless admiration for your efforts, warden
but sometimes I just don't know.
Goodbye.
Well, that settles it.
We know of The Penguin's plot.
- But how to foil it? - Simple.
Give him enough rope. Send him up the river as he wishes.
Sure. Let him get in touch with Ballpoint.
And after he does..
Wham! We pounce!
Let's race back to the city
set our trusty trap for Penguin.
But even as the Dynamic Duo
speeds from the fabulous Bat-cave
Tricky Penguin is making plans of his own
with his tiny Penguin radio
which was unluckily overlooked when the bird was searched.
Quack, over and out.
[knocking]
And mere minutes later
in the City Jail, downstairs
in the Police Headquarters Building.
What do you want?
From the caterers.
Delivering this special tricky treat for prisoner Penguin.
It's his birthday, officer.
Don't tell me.
Hacksaw pot.
This tricky treat snack
was authorized by Chief O'Hara himself, sir.
Officer Hoffman, back door.
Would you have the chief step down here for a moment?
Thank you.
Do you know what this is?
This is an electrical metal detector.
And if there's a hacksaw blade in this pie
this metal detector is going to detect it.
How fascinating.
[crackling]
Wow! High voltage battery pie
sure worked the way The Penguin said it would.
Quick, get his keys. Chickadee, get his gun.
[intense music]
Ha ha! Fools.
Imagining that a mere City Jail
could hold a slippery bird like me.
Curious. That door was open.
Maybe Penguin has plans for a jail transfer of his own.
Let's find out, shall we?
Just as I planned.
- You planned? - Forget it, Penguin.
The best-laid plans of birds and men gone off to glee.
Plans of bats too, Batman.
You deluded, murderous girl.
Well, these crooks never learn.
At 'em, gentlemen, at 'em.
[grunting]
Come on, you fools..
[intense music]
Quack!
Qua-a-a-c-k!
Quack! Quack, quack!
[indistinct shouting]
Are you insane?
After him, you fink!
Get them!
Quack, quack, quack!
(Penguin) 'Stand still, you red breasted road runner.'
Argh!
[screaming]
What the devil!
Ha!
Dynamic Duo, look!
Good work, Chickadee!
The fiends have used the chief as a hostage.
Well, well, Batman and Boy Wonder
Adieu for now.
Forward, fretless fatwood
- Never! - Go with them, chief.
Don't resist. They're killers.
'It's our only hope.'
[Penguin grinning]
Upstairs, Commissioner Gordon's office.
Quickly, Robin.
Yes. Put him through. It's Penguin.
(Penguin on telephone) 'Tell Batman, the old abandoned Navy Recreation Center.'
'The swimming pool.'
'It's his last chance to see Chief O'Hara alive.'
We're on our way, Penguin.
Just one question.
Do you promise a fair duel?
Robin and I against you and your mangy mob.
[Penguin on telephone] 'Of course, Batman, of course.'
'Fair play is Penguin's middle name.'
Quack, quack, quack!
Oh! You know my amusing scheme.
- They come in, we shoot. - Chickadee?
I push that trunk containing Chief O'Hara into the pool.
(O'Hara) 'Let me out of this infernal hamper, you devils.'
'What's the idea? Let me out!'
Quack, quack, quack!
And as the Dynamic Duo's bullets riddle bodies
hit the drink
I'll turn on the high voltage switch..
Quack, quack, quack.
...at one hundred thousand volts.
Electrifying the entire swimming pool.
[laughing]
The Batmobile.
The bat's last flight.
Alright, men, to your stations.
[intense music]
Chickadee, to the water slide.
[laughing]
[intense music]
Quack, quack!
Cross-fire and electrocution!
Looks like the end!
Have our heroes ever been in a nastier spot?
For the chilling climax, tune in tomorrow.
Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.
Batman and Robin, stay away!
For your own sakes, stay away!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman