¶ Batman
["Here Comes The Bride" playing]
(male narrator) When last we saw the caped crusader
he was at the altar about to be married
to the diabolical Marsha, Queen of Diamonds.
Only the words "I do", stand between him
and the bonds of wedlock.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
["Here Comes The Bride" playing]
I..
- I-- - Say, "I do".
[grunts] I..
(Alfred) 'Stop the wedding!'
[loud indistinct chatter]
This is no time for pranks, my good man.
We are in the midst of a sacred ceremony.
I assure you, sir, this is no prank.
Who are you?
Ethelbert Soames, solicitor of law
with the firm of Soames, Stillwell and Thistlewaite..
...Liverpool, England.
My card.
What has this to do with the wedding?
Allow me to present my client.
Formerly, Miss Henrietta Tillitson
of Morton-in-the-marsh, Gloucestershire.
What do you mean "formerly"?
I mean, that for the last seven years, she has been Mrs. Batman.
[clamoring]
Mrs. Batman!
Yes.
If you'd care to examine the wedding certificate..
Duly attested by the registrar at Morton-in-the-marsh
and dated seven years ago.
Why didn't you tell me about this, Batman?
Er, it, uh, it slipped my mind.
Slipped your mind, indeed.
I am not in the practice of marrying bigamists.
Why, you two-timing Bat-fink!
How dare you leave a poor, defenseless girl
waiting at the altar.
Not poor, I hope, madam.
We are instituting a lawsuit for $1,000,000
for the alienation of the husband's affections.
[sighs]
Let's get out of here.
Mrs. Cooper.
Why, I wasn't sure you'd remember me, Batman.
Of course, I remember you.
I've always treasured our brief meetings.
I certainly want to thank you for the help here today.
Oh, I'm glad.
I was afraid you'd be angry with us
for stretching the truth, the way we did.
Not under the circumstances, believe me.
If we can be of any further service, sir..
As a matter of fact, Mr..
Alfred will do, sir.
As a matter of fact, Alfred, yes.
Since Robin is currently out of commission
I'd appreciate it if you would accompany me in the Batmobile.
Certainly, sir. I've always wanted to ride in that
ingenious vehicle.
Good.
Again, my thanks, Mrs. Cooper.
You were truly... superb!
Oh! Bruce will never believe it when I tell him.
We'll have to get to Robin as soon as possible.
Let's drive as it is.
Anticipating an emergency, sir
I brought along a kit of Bat-antidote.
Good thinking, Alfred.
Incidentally I forged the marriage certificate
on the Bat-printer.
Remarkable invention of yours, if I may say so.
Yes, it did the job this time.
[cans rattling]
[intense music]
The sleep potion I gave before the wedding
is still in effect, your highness.
Good. Pump another potion into Boy Wonder there
and he'll worship me forever.
Then I'll make him lead me to the Bat-cave
and the Bat-diamond will be mine.
Hurry, hurry!
(Marsha) 'Before that Bat-bigamous partner of his shows up.'
Yes, your highness.
[alarm ringing]
Where are my guardians?
They were held up in traffic, your highness.
Forget the Boy Wonder. Out this door.
[intense music]
Never mind about them, Alfred. Our first concern is Robin.
Quickly, the Bat-antidotes.
We'll use the general, all purpose Bat-antidotes
and hope that it takes effect.
Robin. Robin.
Oh!
It looks like it's working, Alfred.
What happened, Batman?
How did I get in here?
It's a long story, Robin. I'll explain later.
Alfred, give chief O'Hara and the commissioner each
one of those tablets.
And tell the commissioner to meet me later at the office.
You think you can make it, Robin?
- Think so. I feel woozy. - I know.
We'll take you back to the Bat-cave where you can rest
and we can try to deduce the queen of diamond's next move.
She'll stop at nothing to get her hands on the Bat-diamond.
[humming]
Can't an old lady take a bath without being interrupted?
Your potion failed, darling. Miserably.
A good, hot bath does wonders for the arthritis.
Please, darling. Pay attention when I'm talking to you.
What is it, dearie? The potion?
Oh, yes. Well, I knew it wouldn't work.
Those newts I've been getting lately..
...are very poor quality.
Well, you're going to have to think of something else.
I have to get inside that Bat-cave.
I've been in dozens of Bat-caves, dearie.
They're very dull.
This is a very special Bat-cave.
Take it from me. When you've seen one bat-cave
you've seen them all.
Suppose you let me worry about that.
You're going to have to think of something
to put those caped clowns in my power.
Well, alright, darling. Alright.
Fetch me my recipe book. It's over there.
[intense music]
Is this the one?
'Is there a buzzard's tongue lying next to it?'
Yes. Ugh!
'Then that's the one, dearie.'
[intense music]
Oh! How about a potion to make them vanish?
No, no, no, darling.
I want them to lead me to the Bat-cave and the Bat-diamond.
Just put them in my power.
Here's a nice little potion that turns them into tigers.
- Too large, darling. - Mosquitoes?
Too small, darling.
Here's an old potion I haven't used in years.
It turns them in to nice, fuzzy, little rabbits.
That's the one.
Unless, of course, they have type-O blood
in which case it turns them into giant boa constrictors.
Find another potion, darling.
[intense music]
Ah!
The Bat-diamond.
What about it, Robin?
To think it's the cause of all this trouble.
People call it many different things, old chum.
Passion, lust, desire, avarice..
But the simplest and most understandable word is greed.
Why would Marsha want that particular diamond?
She can't wear it.
You can't wear Michelangelo's.
You can't wear vintage cars or old stamps or coins.
But to certain collectors, they're a way of life.
In fact, life itself.
Cars and stamps and coins I can understand.
Where would she find a place to put that diamond of that size?
That's an academic question, Robin.
She's not going to get it.
Gosh! I hope not.
When you got me outta that bird cage
you said it was a long story and you'd explain it later.
- Just what happened? - To you?
The same thing that happened to me. A cupid's dart.
I felt it. But she said it wasn't poisoned.
Probably not in the true sense of the word "poison".
but certainly, it contained some secret ingredient
by which your sense and your will were affected.
You were shot by the same type of dart.
It didn't affect you the same way.
It did, Robin, I just called ON all my resources to combat it.
I called on all mine, too. But all of a sudden,
there I was, on my knees worshipping her.
Oh, it's merely the difference of a few years, old chum.
An older head can't be put on younger shoulders.
Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara have older heads.
- Look what happened to them. - Yes, I know. It wasn't pretty.
But first things first.
If you're back in fighting form
let's have a go at the Bat-computer.
Instead of Marsha finding the Bat-diamond
perhaps the Bat-diamond can lead us to Marsha.
We know she's surrounded by diamonds.
And perhaps if we set the Bat-radar
at the emanating frequency of diamonds
we can calculate the reflection pattern of the diamonds.
And make them show up on the Bat-radar screen
and figure out the coordinates.
Right.
All set, Batman.
(Batman) 'What are the numbers?'
Got it, Batman!
The coordinates are 4-6-7 and 9-8-1.
(Batman) 'Four, six, seven.'
'Nine, eight, one.'
'Elevation?'
Holy stalactites, Batman!
The elevation is minus 80.
Minus 80.
- Just as I thought. - Where is it?
[Bat-phone flashing]
Yes.
Ha, it's good to hear your voice, commissioner.
And yours, Batman.
If it wasn't for you, we would've been singing love songs
to that fiendish woman right now.
And if it hadn't been for that resourceful citizen
who saved me at the alter, I'd be on my honeymoon now.
I'd like to send that creature on a honeymoon
to the state prison and I think I know where she is.
It wouldn't be the basement of the building we were in?
Why, yes. She made a remark about visiting her aunt there.
But how could you possibly know?
Occasionally we men come up with a few tricks too, commissioner.
Robin and I are on our way there.
Be careful, Batman, she may be waiting for you.
Don't worry, commissioner. We'll be ready for her.
There is no mystery that man can't solve.
[engine whirring]
[theme music]
[tires screeching]
Be careful, Batman.
There are some mysteries no man can solve.
[instrumental music]
As Batman said, if it hadn't been for you
he'd be on his honeymoon right now.
The Caped Crusader is too kind.
After all, I only did what any citizen
of Gotham City would've done.
And lucky you did, sir.
Yes. Good thinking and very inventive, I might add.
Producing a past wife of Batman's who never existed.
Oh, but she very definitely exists, sir.
Batman's ex wife?
No, no, no. The lady who played the part, sir.
Mrs. Harriet Cooper, Dick Grayson's aunt.
In fact, it was her idea.
Uh, giving credit where credit is due.
Now I know where I've heard your voice before.
(Gordon) 'Aren't you Alfred, the Wayne butler?'
Uh, yes. Yes, sir, I am.
Well, Alfred, if I ever need a wife
on the spur of the moment, I'll know..
Bagora, I forgot!
Barney said that me wife called when I was out
and I haven't called her back.
The same with me, Chief O'Hara.
For the same reason, Commissioner Gordon?
Well, being a wife, I'm sure she wonders of my temporary absence.
(Gordon) 'Both from the office and home.'
And being a husband, what do you plan to tell her?
The truth. What else?
That you were hit by a Cupid's dart.
That you pleaded for the queen of diamonds love on your knees?
'That you were locked in a gilded cage?'
It does sound rather far fetched, doesn't it?
Sure and I couldn't have made up such a story meself.
The wife never would believe it.
If I may interject a thought.
(together) Please do.
My experience with women has been
that they tend to believe what they want to believe.
So, knowing you both to be conscientious gentlemen
and faithful husbands
'I'm sure that if you just tell both your wives'
'that you were involved in some special'
and confidential assignment, that will suffice.
Have you ever been married?
Uh, well, No. No.
Alfred, at the risk of sounding pompous
experience with women and experience with wives
are two vastly different things.
Amen!
Well, we've all learnt something
from this little escapade. Have we not?
And now, if you'll excuse me
I must be getting back now to my duties at Wayne Manor.
Of course, Alfred and thanks again.
Commissioner, Chief O'Hara.
[instrumental music]
Uh, if you care to use my private phone
to call home, Chief O'Hara..
Uh, after you, commissioner.
Oh, no, no, no. Please, after you.
No, sir. No, sir. It's your office and your phone.
You go right ahead.
Are you sure this potion will work, darling?
I think so, dearie.
Of course, there's always a certain amount of luck
in these things, you know.
Once when I was chemistry professor at--
Darling, please. Enough of your academic past.
Let's concentrate on the present.
Now, Batman and Robin have already tripped the outer alarm.
They should be on their way down here right now.
[footsteps approaching]
Our guinea pigs have arrived.
[intense music]
Holy trolls and goblins!
Welcome, darlings.
Welcome to Aunt Hilda's little den.
She has a surprise for you.
Careful, Robin.
I'm sorry, Batman
but I'm afraid I must turn you and Robin into mice.
- Mice? - Mice?
Whee!
What is it, Batman?
I can't tell, Robin.
It seems harmless enough.
You bumbling old hag, you failed again.
That's no way to talk to an old lady.
You mind your own business, Boy Wonder.
You're going to be in enough trouble as it is.
[clapping]
Yes, your highness?
- Dispatch them. - Yes, your highness.
[intense music]
A cauldron of creeps, Batman.
Well put, Robin.
[intense music]
I'm sure this one will work.
It's guaranteed to turn them into lizards.
You said the last one would have them running around
on the floor, squeaking.
This time, I'll add a little more.
Just to make sure.
[intense music]
Missed again.
I don't know what's wrong.
Nothing seems to be working today.
This one has to work.
It's one of my best potions.
It better be, darling.
My guardians are falling like nine-pins.
[intense music]
Oh!
Another zero.
Playtime is over, darling.
Let the grown-up's take charge.
[coughing]
Diamond dozing gas, Batman.
Try not to breathe.
[intense music]
[coughing]
This is my most powerful potion.
It's never failed.
Like all the others?
I'll guarantee this will turn them into a pair of toads.
I'll stake my reputation on it.
You haven't much to lose.
A pair of wriggling, little toads.
No word yet from Batman.
I-I'm getting worried, Chief.
Me too, commissioner.
That felonious female is a devilish customer alright.
Batman and Robin can handle any male criminal in Gotham City.
But when it comes to women--
(Marsha) 'When it comes to women'
'Batman's the big loser, darling.'
A very big loser.
[instrumental music]
(Gordon) 'What kind of trickery is this?'
'Where are Batman and Robin?'
Right here.
Say "Hello" to the commissioner, Bat-toad.
The woman's gone daft.
She's taken leave of her senses.
(Batman) I'm afraid it's true, commissioner.
We're right here. She's got us.
Saints preserve us.
The whole world's come unhinged.
I'll take Suzie.
Say something to Chief O'Hara, Robin-toad.
(Robin) Holy horsd'oeuvres, Chief O'Hara.
Keep that cat away from us.
Robin, you poor boy!
Commissioner, is it possible?
Chief, I just don't know.
You remember what she did to us with that love potion of hers.
She's diabolical, alright.
The Dynamic Duo, a pair of toads?
(Gordon) 'Oh, what will become of Gotham City now?'
I don't know about Gotham City, darlings.
But Batman and Robin will become cat food
unless I get my hands on the Bat-diamond.
Oh, Batman, what should we do?
Better do what she says, commissioner.
Otherwise, Robin and I will end up inside that fat cat.
Gosh, Batman! I'm too young to be eaten.
Don't worry, Robin.
I'm sure Commissioner Gordon
will cooperate with the queen of diamonds.
But Batman, I don't know where the Bat-cave is.
That's right, Batman.
Nobody does, but you and Robin.
I'm sure you could find out if you use that darling red phone.
Should we do it, Batman?
Yes, commissioner.
(Batman) 'Oh, commissioner?'
Yes, Batman?
(Batman) 'Never mind the phone.'
- Who said that? - Not me, your highness.
The real Batman said it.
'Look over here.'
The Dynamic Duo themselves!
Saints be praised.
You're not toads, after all.
No, we're quite human, Chief O'Hara.
But Batman, how could those two toads
talk just like you and Robin?
Oh, darling, it was a simple little prank.
Some prank.
The queen of diamonds was relying on the Grand Mogul's
ability as a ventriloquist to deceive you both.
But Batman, the Bat-toad talked in your voice, a moment ago.
So it did.
You see, Batman knows a trick or two of ventriloquism himself.
And a few tricks about getting out of barred cells.
I was wondering how you managed that, darling.
Thanks to the extraordinary transmitting powers
of the Bat-diamond
'which you've been after, we were able to carry on'
some long distance computations in the Bat-cave.
After we wired the bars in the cell
to convert them into a radio ariel.
You see, the tumbler lock on the cell door
only had 3,724,521
possible combinations.
Child's play for the Bat-computer.
That was very clever of you, darling.
Take care of them.
Take care of them, I said.
Pinned, like a wriggling toad.
So..
Well, I suppose this is the end of my little romp, darlings?
A one to 10 year end, at least.
I just hope it's taught you that diamonds aren't necessarily
a girl's best friend, Marsha.
Oh, Batman, darling.
You are so divinely square.
Next week, Cliff Robertson as Shame
corrals the Caped Crusaders.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
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¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman