¶ Batman
Another sparkling day in Gotham City.
Look sharp, O'Toole.
With the Queen of Diamonds back in town
we've got to be on our toes.
Look up, O'Rourke. That diamond dizzy dame
has been after the Pretzel Diamond for years.
She's bound to make a go for it.
Goldberg, look alive!
Chief O'Hara's instructions were to stop the Queen of Diamonds
no matter what the cost.
[siren wailing]
- Chief O'Hara. - At ease, O'Leary.
- Any trouble in here? - No, chief, everything is fine.
The Pretzel Diamond still in there, is it?
Yes, sir.
That's all I wanted to know.
The Queen of Diamonds..
Thank you, darling.
You're doing very well so far.
All I ask is the chance to be near you, Marsha.
To bask in the light of your adorable presence.
Yes, yes, darling, later.
Right now, the diamond, remember?
Oh, of course, my dear.
Oh, bring your men and follow me.
Yes, chief. O'Toole, O'Rourke, Goldberg, follow me!
The Queen of Diamonds!
Thanks enough for that.
Don't you recognize me?
Why, It's Chief O'Hara.
And she's... she's..
No guided tours today, darling.
Chief darling, the diamond.
Oh, yes, my dear.
Bring us the Pretzel Diamond.
But--
Or perhaps you want to be arrested
for obstructing the law?
(Chief O'Hara) 'There, my lovely.'
Now, you can't doubt my sincerity.
This is proof of my devotion.
It's a start.
Alas, it is a pale thing besides your own beauty.
Lets take the rock and let the rhetoric go, shall we, darling?
Do you have a bag?
O'Leary, see that these two don't make any trouble.
Yes, chief.
(Chief O'Hara) 'Anything you want in Gotham City is yours.'
'Take my life, take my love, take my all.'
Do be careful, sir.
There's no danger with the power off, Alfred.
You think we'll have to replace it, Batman?
I certainly hope not, Robin.
There.
You may turn the power on, Alfred.
[rumbles]
Yes, I think it's going to work now.
Lucky for us. It takes six months to manufacture
another Bat-diamond that big.
Even with a giant hydraulic Bat-press.
Yes, it would be difficult.
Especially, since for our purposes
it has to be far more pure than the natural diamond.
[Bat-phone beeping]
One moment, commissioner.
It's Commissioner Gordon, sir.
I'll take another Bat-extension up here, Alfred.
Yes, commissioner.
Well, there must be some mistake.
We've all known Chief O'Hara for years, he'll never--
I see... the Queen of Diamonds.
Yes, it is serious.
Perhaps far more serious than any of us have realized.
We'll be right down, commissioner.
What's wrong with Chief O'Hara, Batman?
That, Robin, is a question, I hope we'll be to answer.
[engine revving]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
[tires screeching]
That's right, commissioner.
Goodbye.
Was that alright? Did I do it right?
Just fine, darling.
You're not gonna keep me in here, are you, me love?
Just for a little while.
Please, let me be near you.
I don't mind the cage as long as it's near you.
Don't worry, darling, I'll visit you once a week.
Please, Marsha!
It's too cruel. Don't go, Marsha.
It isn't fair, Marsha.
- Stay near us, Marsha. - Marsha, please come back.
[men pleading]
[sighs]
Your report, Grand Mogul.
The usual, Your Highness.
One of your admirers attempted suicide
as proof of his devotion.
He threw himself into an automatic dryer
and tried to tumble himself to death but failed.
How boring.
What have you found out about the Bat-diamond?
We have ascertained that the Bat-diamond is used
as a power source for the Bat-computer.
'It is well over 10,000 carats in size.'
Magnificent.
Where is it kept?
In the Bat-cave, Your Highness.
But no one knows where the Bat-cave is.
I will know where the Bat-cave is.
In fact, I will be inside the Bat-cave.
Once I've sprung my little trap.
Is cupid loaded?
I will attend to that now, Your Highness.
Be quick about it.
We're expecting a guest.
Ready, Your Highness.
Good, good.
Now cupid will plant his little arrow..
...where it'll do the most good.
Holy Houdini, where's the commissioner?
I don't know, Robin, but it's not like him.
He knew we were coming.
Looks like the Queen of Diamonds
is dealing from the bottom of the deck.
I'm afraid you may be right.
But all we can do is wait till we hear from him
and hope that he's not walking into a trap.
Where is Chief O'Hara?
What have you done to him, you diabolical Mata Hari?
If you've harmed a hair on O'Hara's head
I'll have you in jail for the rest of your life.
Oh, don't be tiresome, darling.
Here, sit down next to me and relax.
Your hanky-panky won't work with me, young lady, I want O'Hara.
You don't find me the least bit attractive?
Your charms are useless, you evil temptress.
I'm not gonna dance to your little tune.
Really?
My only concern is Chief O'Hara.
(Gordon) 'Where is he?'
Oh..
Oh, my...
You are my only concern, Marsha.
You beautiful creature.
I'm yours to command.
That's better, darling.
Tell me more.
[telephone ringing]
Commissioner Gordon's office.
Yes, commissioner, we'll be right there.
Don't worry.
It looks like the Queen of Diamonds has added
Commissioner Gordon to her list.
Holy hypnotism! What are we getting ourselves into?
I don't know, Robin. But with Chief O'Hara
and Commissioner Gordon in her clutches..
...we have no choice.
Now, don't be difficult, commissioner darling.
Don't leave me, Marsha.
I just want to gaze at your beauty, I'll do anything.
I'll roll myself into a ball, you can use me as a foot stool.
Just don't ever leave me.
I'm sorry, darling.
I have to pay a visit to my dear old Aunt Hilda..
...in the basement.
She's mine. Mine!
Never, O'Hara! She's mine!
(together) Come back, Marsha!
Dabble double
toil and trouble.
Bubble, bubble..
He he he!
And ocean of potion for making a commotion.
[laughs]
I have a potion that will do
anything you want it to.
Really, Aunt Hilda?
Don't you think you're carrying this thing a bit too far?
Can't you let an old lady have a little fun?
You go right ahead, darling, and have all the fun you want to.
Just as long as your potions keep getting results.
Remember, I was chemistry professor at Vassar
for 20 years, dearie.
I remember. I also remember they fired you.
Yes, I tried one of my potions
in the college cafeteria and it turned
the entire student body orange for a week.
'That was before I'd completed my research.'
My potions are much better now.
Yes, they have been getting good results.
But now I need a very special potion
for a very special purpose.
This is my best batch. My very best batch.
It's just lovely and I've even added a pound of dugong blubber.
Is it powerful enough to work on Batman?
Ooh. Batman is a special case.
Bats have a very strong resistance to occult powers.
But if anything will work, this will.
Pass me the salt, dearie.
Cupid is loaded, Your Highness.
Good. Leave me now.
I'll clap if I need you.
Yes, Your Highness.
[gong rings]
Come in.
Watch out, Batman.
The powers of darkness reside in this room.
Holy Harem, Batman. What a nest!
There is more here than meets the eye, Robin.
(Marsha) 'Welcome, darling.'
Welcome to my little flat.
Sit down, make yourselves comfortable.
We're not here to be comfortable, Marsha.
This is strictly a business call.
How very rude of you, Batman.
Batman's never rude to a lady.
But you're no lady.
She may not be a lady, Robin, but she is a woman
and as such, she deserves some courtesy.
How very gallant of you, Batman.
Let's dispense with the mutual flattery, Marsha.
Where are Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara?
How very irrelevant of you, Batman.
They're unimportant.
Let's talk about you and me.
We have nothing to discuss in that area, Marsha.
We will, darling.
We will.
Watch out, Batman. She's up to something.
Ouch.
- It's a dart. - Poison.
Oh, not poison, darling.
Merely a disposition improver.
It's some kind of a drug, Robin.
It's bending my will.
- Batman. - Marsha.
Batman.
Oh, Marsha.
Batman!
Marsha.
Fight it, Batman.
I'm-I'm trying, Robin.
It's some kind of love-inducing drug.
'It's trying to bend my will, Robin..'
...to make me fall in love..
...with Marsha.
Batman.
Holy fate worse than death! You got to resist it!
[breathing heavily] 'I'm trying.'
I'm trying, Robin.
Don't try to fight it, darling. Relax and worship me.
Oh, Ma--
Worship me, I said. On your knees.
I prefer to stand, Marsha.
Your drug didn't work.
(Robin) 'You did it, Batman!'
It wasn't easy, Robin.
It took every last ounce of my will power.
You mean you're not in love with me?
I'm not even mildly interested.
Outrageous!
How dare you reject Marsha, Queen of Diamonds?
This is insufferable, a perjury!
[grunts]
[claps]
Carve them into camel food.
Yes, Your Highness.
[intense music]
[swords clanking]
[music continues]
(Marsha) 'No!'
He's mine.
You adorable creature.
I'm yours to command.
Oh, no!
Robin!
Here's your first command, my young worshipper.
Stop that annoying fellow in the blue cape.
Stop it, Batman.
Marsha says stop it!
Do you hear?
Robin, it's me, Batman.
Batman, Batman! What do I care?
You're annoying Marsha!
I'll fight you to the death!
Fine. I'll stop.
Well done, darling.
Grand Mogul, take him to the suitors quarters.
Don't touch him!
Uh-oh, one false move
and your young friend remains at my feet forever.
Only I can release him.
If he'd had more experience
he might've been able to resist your drug.
But you took advantage of his youth.
Cooperate or Robin remains in my power forever.
Alright, you win.
No, let me stay near Marsha.
I'm hers to command.
No, let me stay!
Don't worry, Robin!
I'll get you out of this somehow.
Well, Batman. What is he worth to you?
This is not a joke.
I'd give my life for that boy.
Oh, the price isn't nearly that high, darling.
I merely want the gigantic Bat-diamond
that powers the Bat-computer.
It's yours.
But first, you'll have to give Robin
the antidote for that drug.
Oh, no, no, no. Not so fast.
I want to appropriate that diamond myself personally.
I want to go into the Bat-cave and get it.
That's impossible.
Remember what's at stake.
I couldn't do that. Not even for Robin.
I made a sacred vow that no stranger
would ever enter the Bat-cave.
And knowing you, you'd never break that vow, would you?
Absolutely not.
In that case, we'll have to figure out
a way to get me into the Bat-cave
without breaking your vow, won't we?
That can't be done.
Oh, where there's a will there's a way.
Now, let's see..
You made a vow that no stranger would enter the Bat-cave.
What if I weren't a stranger?
What do you mean?
What if I were...Mrs. Batman?
- Marry you? - Why not, darling?
As your wife, I'd have every right to go in the Bat-cave.
You must be joking.
I never joke, darling.
Besides, one vow deserves another.
Now think of Robin.
Not to mention Commissioner Gordon
and Chief O'Hara.
Unless we become a happy couple
those three will spend the rest of their lives
following me around on their knees.
[laughing]
I have no choice.
Wonderful, darling.
[claps]
Yes, Your Highness?
Batman and I are to be married this afternoon.
Make all the necessary arrangements.
Yes, Your Highness.
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds, Mrs. Batman.
How marvelous!
This has been quite a day in Gotham City.
First, the unexplained disappearance
of Police Chief O'Hara
followed by the disappearance of Commissioner Gordon.
And now, to top it all off..
'the announcement that Batman'
'will marry the Queen of Diamonds'
'this afternoon.'
'Who knows what will happen next'
'on this strange and baffling day.'
Who knows indeed.
As if anything could possibly matter
after Batman has married that, that woman.
I venture to say, madam.
The Batman is being coerced in some fashion.
He'd never submit to such a thing on his own free will.
Oh, I quite agree with you, Alfred.
I'm sure there's skullduggery afoot.
Question is, what to do about it?
You mean we should do something?
Why, yes, of course, madam.
After all, we are citizens of Gotham City.
And heaven knows, Batman has done enough
for all of us in the past.
Oh, more than enough.
But what can we do if Batman himself couldn't stop it?
Well, we must try and think of something.
Oh, I wish Bruce were here.
I'm sure he could think of something.
I'm not at all sure that he could.
- I take it you're the best man? - Yes.
It's time for the groom.
[door opens]
In case you'd forgotten the ring, Batman, I have six extras.
Don't worry. I made a bargain and I'll stick to it.
Anything is better than let Robin go through life
the way he is.
[instrumental music]
It's natural to be a little nervous, darling.
Everyone is, the first time.
Robin had better be alright.
Oh, he's perfectly safe as long as you cooperate.
By the way, have you decided
where we're going to spend our honeymoon?
Not a very cheerful groom, are you?
I'll be perfectly happy to spend my honeymoon in the Bat-cave.
[clears throat]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today..
Batman to become a henpecked husband?
And Mrs. Batman, Gotham's City's arch-criminals?
Do you, Marsha, take this Batman
to be your lawful wedded husband?
To love, honor, and obey as long as you both shall live?
I do.
And do you, Batman, take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?
To love, honor, and cherish as long as you shall live?
I..
- I-- - You say "I do".
I--
Mr. and Mrs. Batman!
The Dynamic Duo may become a Trio!
The Queen of Diamonds aims high!
Find out tomorrow, whether she misses or Mrs.!
Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.
And hang on to your rice!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman