¶ Batman
When last we saw the Dynamic Duo
Robin was in for a wax job
and Batman was about to be skeletonized
by The Joker's human key duplicator.
Sad to say, nothing has changed.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
[music continues]
Sorry to leave you, Batman, at this key point in your life.
But I have other more important things to attend to
than my humdrum activities.
The actual skeletonizing process will begin shortly.
When it's over and the Boy Wonder is properly waxed
let me know.
Turn the spray on full!
[laughing]
[intense music]
This joke of The Joker's don't strike me as being too funny.
- What if we get caught? - 'We won't, Latch.'
(Bolt) 'Think of all we owe The Joker. Fine things he's done for us.'
Sneaking those files into prison.
Dumping our parole officer into Gotham River.
(Bolt) 'Kidnapping that entire jury.'
'And holding the judges wife as hostage.'
He's been a real friend.
You're right, Bolt.
There should be more fine upstanding men like The Joker.
[intense music]
[engine whirring]
Look! A living Bat-skeleton.
[intense music]
Argh!
[music continues]
I'm not one given to trite sayings, Robin.
I got you out of that spray wax chamber in the nick of time.
Thanks to those underwater swimming lessons you gave me.
I could've held my breath a while longer.
How did you get outta that fiendish key duplicator, Batman?
I jammed the machinery with a simple house key
that I carry in my utility belt in case we're locked up.
When the cutting blade retracted
the vice automatically opened.
The Joker was none too
sophisticated with his brilliant changes
and innovations.
A good lesson, Robin.
Always carry an extra key.
I'd say you were both lucky to be still alive.
And stupid to have walked into that trap in the first place.
Without danger, the game grows cold.
Little is game without a risk.
True indeed, sir.
Uh, now if I may be permitted
Mrs. Cooper has invited her whist group to lunch.
I promised I'd serve it punctually at one, sir.
Of course, Alfred.
Anyway, at least we know where The Joker's hideout is, Batman.
I hardly think that Mr. Clavier Ankh
and his crafty cohorts will be found at that address, Robin.
What do we do?
Like Mohammed, we must wait
until the mountain comes to us again.
Still alive? How can they be?
Well, Batman is, that's for sure.
Oh, well, I might as well be philosophical about it.
Regardless of how clever the Dynamic Duo are
their hours are measured.
In fact, I'm measuring them right now
with this time machine.
[Joker laughing]
I found a wrinkle.
Oh, you're worried about wrinkles, Cornelia
when I have just rebuilt and refined my magic box
so that when I turn this key
I can turn time, either backward or forward.
'Or stop it completely. Ha ha ha!'
Will your gadget work any place, boss?
Any place and on anything or anybody.
For instance, somewhere in Gotham City right now
the sidewalks are crowded
and the traffic is busy.
(The Joker) 'Now see what happens when I turn this key'
'and time moves a bit faster..'
'...and faster..'
'...and faster.'
'Then if I stop time..'
'and start it again, very slowly'
'or even move it backwards slowly..'
'Let's try the Gotham Airport.'
'Or the Gotham Bowler Park.'
'Or the handsome residence of millionaire Bruce Wayne.'
You know, I never go inside Bruce's study
but as long as I'm taking your girls on a tour of the house
you'll just..
[zapping]
'Or even Commissioner Gordon's office. Ha ha ha!'
[intense music]
- Ha ha! - Don't stop now, boss.
Yeah. Try it on Batman and Robin.
That's what I plan to do.
But I want to meet them face to face.
I want to see the results myself. Ha ha ha!
Did you make this one out of cheeseparings
and lightning bugs too, Joker?
Uh, no, Cornelia.
My newest triumph is composed of much more complicated parts.
Human frailties, the power of mass suggestion.
catalytic agents, unexplained phenomena.
Gee! All that in one box, boss?
Plus two added components, Latch.
A pellet and a pond.
Of what and which?
Ingredients, which must remain secret for the nuns, Cornelia.
But they did their work today.
[laughing]
What's next, boss?
Next, Bolt?
To stop time throughout Gotham City.
Unless the city fathers meet my demands.
You're so forceful when you demand things
from fathers, Joker. What is it this time?
A mere 10 million dollars, Cornelia. Ha ha ha!
But first, a moment to catch my breath.
While another message I sent is being delivered
just about the time I imagine that Dynamic Duo
are getting an emergency call.
[laughing]
[Bat-phone beeping]
Yes, commissioner. I would've phoned you sooner
but I had nothing to report.
Well, I have something to report, Batman.
Our beloved metropolis seems to be in the grip
of a strange spell.
Someone and we suspect The Joker again
is playing a devious trick with time
turning it backward, forward, faster, slower.
Sounds like he's improved on that magic box of his.
Which could spell disaster.
And there's an envelope for you here, Batman.
(commissioner) 'It's, uh, shaped in the form of a key.'
Better open it and read me the message.
Time may be of the essence.
We can't afford to be wrong about this message, Robin.
That's just the way Commissioner Gordon
read it over the phone.
"Thanks to the work of a single sphere.
"You saw what happened to time right here.
I just may be onto something.
"Now regard with care, my final o-ho!"
O-ho!
What does "O-ho" mean to you, Robin?
Well, it's a word composed of two O's and one H.
- Hmm. - Holy hydraulics!
H2O. The chemical symbol for water.
I am onto something. Now the last line.
"I've a gargoyles key
and away I go-go."
Can you figure out those two words, "Gargoyles key"?
I know gargoyles are grotesque figures
that decorate some of Europe's old churches.
I see. And the original functions, their meanings, Robin
were water spouts, drains, funnels, throughways..
Then a gargoyles key could also be the key to a, a waterworks!
Yes, and that all ties into the first sentence.
"Thanks to the work of a single sphere."
Sphere.
A ball is a sphere.
(Robin) 'A marble. A pebble. Pill.'
A pill!
You mean The Joker could've gotten the key to the waterworks
and polluted Gotham City's water supply?
Yes, I've heard that a character resembling
The Joker was seen by a waterworks security guard
near the storage reservoir a night or so ago.
- Holy floodgate! - Yes, Robin.
He may have started his job with one pill.
And now he's off to finish that job.
As insidious a scheme as could be imagined.
Extortion via time.
We better get to the waterworks.
If I may, sir.
I didn't want to interrupt but I heard the whole thing.
And I just can't let you and Master Robin
run the risk.
- Let me go. - You, Alfred?
(Alfred) 'Yes. Mrs. Cooper's whist group left.'
'And she's gone to the theatre.'
In an hour, it'll be dark
and I shall have no difficulty
in getting into the waterworks.
My cousin Egbert is night watchman there.
(Alfred) 'You remember Eggy, sir?'
'As president of the water commission'
'you helped him get his job.'
Now, it's more than likely that he's the man who saw The Joker.
And..
...I seldom ask a favor, sir.
But I do ask this one.
You see, I'd like to feel that I'm not only contributing my bit
I like to feel that I'm part of the team, sir.
Well spoken, Alfred.
Of course you're part of the team.
Then you will, sir, let me replace you
in this crafty charade.
(Batman) 'Not exactly replace us, Alfred.'
But it might not be a bad idea
for you to replace your cousin in the security room.
That way, Robin and I could stake out the storage reservoir
and be nearby and on the alert.
Hoping you'd say that, sir.
I, uh, I brought my wheels
for want of a better word, with me.
And with no intention of infringing, sir.
I call it my, my Alf-cycle.
I have my two way Alf-radio between the handle bars
And I took the liberty of making the necessary adjustments
'on the Batmobile unit.'
Good thinking, Alfred.
Well, arrivederci.
[intense music]
- Me, Egbert? - Yeah. You.
I should've made you stay out at the visitors vestibule.
We got a rule around here.
Nobody allowed in this room excepting authorized personnel.
That means me.
Who knows, but that some misguided soul
might try to slip in and pollute the city's water supply.
Yeah. The other night, I caught some Joker.
'Near the storage reservoir. I threw him out.'
A wise move indeed.
I'm not here to upset security, Eggy.
I'm here to relieve you.
Millionaire Bruce Wayne, for whom as you know I buttle
'and a very influential gentleman with city government'
'fears you maybe over-worked.'
He ain't just talking.
He suggested that I replace you on your shift tonight and, uh
give you little bit of a breather.
I sure could use it.
[laughing]
And I know just a bit.
Bubbles La Bleu at the Follies.
That chick swings like a king's playground.
We're just about the same size, Eggy.
I'm sure your uniform would fit me.
Yeah. Take off them specs..
...oh, we do look a little alike.
Next guy comes on duty at 4 am.
Can't see too good.
Play it straight and he'll think you's me.
Don't worry, Eggy.
- Any particular instructions? - Nah.
All a watchman has to do on this job is watch.
Now, that ain't too hard.
If you should happen to run into Tassles Laverne
at the Follies, say hello to her from me.
[laughing]
[intense music]
What am I doing here, Joker?
A wet shaft in the waterworks?
I wanted you here on the kill, Cornelia.
This little caper is my trump card.
My coup d'etat.
You got something to do with your box and key, Joker?
The poets and the palms or, whatever you said?
They're pellets and pond, Cornelia.
More simply, these pills..
...and these waterworks.
Those are pills?
Oh, the chemist was in a whimsical mood
when he filled the prescription.
But by dissolving my key-shaped capsule in the main reservoir
and then resorting to the powers of my magic box and key
I shall forever control the factor of time in Gotham City.
And thus my odious advisories
the Dynamic Duo.
Don't forget those fathers, Joker
and all that mere dough.
Oh! Never fear, Cornelia.
If you're gonna toss pills in some water
why don't we climb over the fence?
Too dangerous, Bolt.
Very tight security in here.
Except for that guard in there.
'He can be bought.'
Who wants to buy an old goat like that?
Oh, Cornelia. He's on the take.
Fixable.
Oh!
This grill lifts easily. Latch, Bolt.
Careful now.
Quietly, quietly.
[intense music]
[clangs]
Who goes there?
- I mean here. - Oh, good evening, friend.
You were sleeping so soundly, I hoped not to disturb you.
How did you get in here? You see that notice?
'We got a rule around here.'
I know, but you were so courteous to me
the other evening near the storage reservoir.
Courteous? I-I threw you out.
Oh. The old fellow seems a bit befuddled.
Oh, this might help you recollect.
Add it to the fiver I gave you last time.
- Eggy...bribed! - What?
I-I got a frog kicking around my tonsils.
Well, a cup of nice fresh water should fix that.
[laughing]
[music continues]
Here you are.
- I, I hate to drink alone. - 'Oh, I'll join you daddy-o.'
There are no mirrors here, no mirrors make me thirsty.
No-no, Cornelia.
You heard the lady. Give her a drink.
And give that shifty-looking stooge one.
'And that greasy goon.'
While you're at it, have a big slug on me.
- Oh-- - Ai-ai-ai-ai!
I ain't just talking, brother.
[music continues]
Now.
Drink!
And now, I'll take that box of yours.
No!
Come on, hand it over.
This iron barks real bullets.
'Hurry up. Come on.'
[dramatic music]
Well, Joker.
I guess, this is the end of you
and your gargoyle's key.
Gargoyle's key!
You're no security guard.
You must be working with Batman and Robin.
[zapping]
Come on, daddy-o. Give little ol' Cornelia that silly old box.
[zapping]
Mommy.
My word. A bit too much.
[zapping]
[talking gibberish]
Yeah.
A truly remarkable contraption.
Stay right there.
Batman, Batman!
- Alfred here. - 'I read you, over.'
The Joker and his cahoots are, so to speak, on ice.
At least, I've managed to...freeze them in time
with the help of his unique invention.
(Batman) 'Good going, Alfred, we'll be right there.'
And over.
What happened, boss?
Obviously, this stupid fool
removed the key from my magic box.
Let's get him before he discovers his mistake.
Alright. Hand over that box.
I said, give me that box.
Just a moment, Joker.
You needn't be so vociferous, my hearing is unimpaired.
Vociferous? Unimpaired?
Ha! Now I know you're no security guard.
Jumping to another conclusion, Joker.
Get the box from the old geyser. It's my last chance.
Ah!
[grunts]
You said you wanted me on the kill
but I didn't know you were this serious.
[groaning]
[theme song]
[Joker laughing]
[groans]
Your little game is over, Joker. Robin.
Take him to the Batmobile, while I clean up
the rest of this debris.
Right, if you wanna pollute any more water, you'll find plenty
where you're going. Up the river!
[instrumental music]
[bell ringing]
I hate to bother you, young man
but I was returning home from town and I ran out of gas
a little way down the road.
Uh...Alfred!
What are you doing here?
- In that getup? - Uh?
I'm Mrs. Harriet Cooper
of stately Wayne Manor.
And you're our butler, Alfred!
Sorry, baby. My name's Eggy.
I'm the night security man.
Well, the...the resemblance is absolutely uncanny.
Anyway, uh
may I, use your phone to call a cab?
Phone? Oh, oh yes. Yes.
Here. Here.
Come in, sugar.
- Thank you. - On the wall, there.
If I can just find a dime now.
We brought you a midnight snack.
Shh.
Batman and Robin!
Good evening, Mrs. Cooper.
What a strange place to find you.
Well, I was just telling this-this gentleman
who looks exactly like the Wayne butler
that I ran out of gas about a block down the road--
We always carry an extra supply in the Batmobile.
- Oh! - Robin.
- This way, Mrs. Cooper. - Oh, thank you, Batman.
The spitting image.
Phew. That was close save, sir.
But you handled it with your usual finesse, Alfred.
At least that mischief maker and his mangy militia
won't be bothering us for quite sometime.
Excellent, sir. But one thing concerns me.
He still has some of those gargoyle keys in his possession.
No-no, he was relieved of them.
And we were received the lab report.
Somehow he'd concocted a drug
which produced a mass hallucinatory effect
when dissolved in water and activated by some key force.
- The key to the magic box? - Ah.
But how, how could it have turned time backwards, forwards
faster and slower?
How little do we know of time, Alfred.
A one syllable word.
A noun.
Yesterday's laughter, tomorrow's tears.
Next week, Carolyn Jones as Marsha, Queen of Diamonds
faces Batman.
[theme music]
¶ Batman