¶ Batman
Another bright, brisk morning in Gotham City.
For such a bustling metropolis
the day seems to have begun quite normally.
But wait, do we sense something slightly off-key?
Here in the Keyborn book store, perhaps?
[dramatic music]
[laughing]
Or in the Keynote music shop.
[laughing]
Or even in the sacred precincts of the ultra conservative
Gotham City Key Club?
[laughing]
Meanwhile, at Wayne Manor
stately home of millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson..
Alright, take it from the top, Dick.
Besides it's famous apes
and the part it's always played in history
the rock of Gibraltar is also famous for--
It's the key to the Mediterranean.
Ah, right, Dick.
You might make that the keynote of your geography paper.
A headache, Bruce?
No, no, just a bit weary.
But thanks to the brief respite from crime-fighting
which we seem to be enjoying
my energies will be quickly restored.
What? Upside down?
Pointing the wrong way? Hmph.
We'll get right on it.
That was the manager of the Keystone building.
Someone's been playing havoc
with the big sign identifying it.
Probably the work of some prankster.
Or some joker.
Jo..
Of course, Chief O'Hara!
Who else but that malevolent mischief maker
could be taunting us again with his capricious capers?
You still don't think we should call the Caped Crusader?
When books, records and files are involved, Chief O'Hara
I think we should try to tackle the problem ourselves.
But when it comes to tampering with the buildings
of our fine city..
'...we have no other choice.'
I think I found it, Bruce.
I'm afraid you spoke too soon. Let me answer it for you.
I can always think up a paradiddle.
No, Alfred.
If the commissioner needs us
this is no time for a white lie.
Yes, commissioner.
I'm afraid it's the Joker again, Batman.
We'll be right there.
To the Bat-poles.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na an na na na na
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[theme music]
[tires screeching]
We're having the locks replaced in this building.
And when the new keys arrived today
this was in with them.
(Robin) 'Holy vertebrae!'
(Batman) Indeed.
A macabre little opener.
Read the attached note.
"Latched or mastered, skeletoned or passed.
Spot the Scott before you're out-classed."
Latched or mastered?
I suspect he used the past-tense to further confuse us, Robin.
Latch, master, pass, skeleton.
They're all terms which refer to keys.
Like the Key Club.
Or the Key Stone building.
Some seventh sense tells me that this particular Scott
is billionaire Angus Ferguson.
The famous Scottish collector
'whose currently visiting our fair city.'
Just what I was thinking, Batman.
Now that you've reminded me.
Obviously, there is a connection here.
Mr. Ferguson is having a private showing today
of his fabulous collection of keys.
How can anyone have a fabulous collection of keys?
There are some famous keys in the world, Robin.
Of which Angus Ferguson has either the original
or an exact replica.
Including the piece de resistance of his current show.
The famous jeweled key of Kaincardine.
Handed down through the ages from one
Scottish ruler to another.
Hmm, holy key ring! Where is this showing?
At his private suite at Gotham Towers.
We have as many of our men posted there as we can spare.
But...if this note is from the Joker..
I suggest we take a look at
Ferguson's fabulous collection of...keys.
[dramatic music]
Ah, this should do it!
Ah!
Ah! At last!
Success beyond even my wildest dreams.
Success, Joker? Because you can turn
an itsy-bitsy key in an itsy-bitsy box?
Well, I glad you could tear yourself away from the mirror
to admire my latest triumph.
This box!
And particularly, this key I've just made
could be the downfall of those audacious adversaries
Batman and Robin.
And give me reign to pursue my cunning career.
How did you make the box, Joker?
Out of bits and pieces, lads.
Odds and ends.
Cheese paddings, lighting bugs, cockroach shells
all combined with my talents in other fields, of course.
But enough of this chit-chat.
I'm off to make my first experiment.
And when I return
I suspect I would not only have confounded
the Dynamic Duo, but I will have in my possession
the jeweled key of Kaincardine.
'The what?'
The diamonds with which it's encrusted
are worth a king's ransom, Cornelia.
'Not to mention the rubies in it's loop'
the emeralds in it's steam.
The sapphire in it's collar.
And the fire opals in it's bits!
[laughing]
Aye.
The Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder.
Well, it's good to have you here.
Help yourself to a wee deoch an doris.
[indistinct]
Thank you, Mr. Ferguson, but we'd just like to browse a bit.
Browse, aye, browse.
Browse to the content of your stout heart.
It's a docket door.
Gaelic for stirrup cup, Robin.
A drink usually taken on parting.
You think he wants to get rid of us?
I think we should try to act as casual as possible, old chum.
Hmm.
A rare acquisition.
"The key to the Bastille cell block in which the
man in the iron mask was imprisoned."
How could Mr. Ferguson have gotten that?
A golden key opens every lock, Robin.
Shall we?
Holy keyhole!
If there's any dirty work afoot, you can be sure
this key is the hoped-for target.
Must be worth a fortune.
More than a fortune, Boy Wonder.
It's priceless.
And you're right, Batman.
My target is the jeweled key of Kaincardine.
Which, luckily, we'll prevent you from obtaining.
Ohm oh, I wonder, Caped Crusader.
I anticipated your presence here today.
And I believe my newest invention
will render you helpless
while I transfer ownership of the priceless jeweled key.
[Joker laughing]
- Are you alright, Robin? - I think so, Batman.
What happened?
I'm not sure.
Look! It's gone!
It certainly...is gone.
It most certainly is gone.
And if that key is nay found and returned at once
I'll sue this city for $8,000,523.
- And a three penny bit. - But Mr. Ferguson--
And the charge would will be grand larceny.
You'll be hearing from my lawyer before you say Jack McRobinson.
And you, you two mutton heads.
After I offered you a wee deoch and doris. Huh!
Gotham City still holds you in great esteem, Dynamic Duo.
The word mutton heads was most unfortunate.
He was right.
We were standing in that alcove
while the Joker made off with the jeweled key.
It's...hard to explain.
What did happen, Batman?
He had some kind of contraption.
A small box with a key.
Which sparked and hummed.
He said he would render us helpless
while he pulled off the robbery.
And it did.
Although, I don't know exactly how yet.
If this device could do that to the two of you...think..
I have thought, commissioner.
The theft of the jeweled key of Kaincardine
is only secondary.
There are many devious tricks up that crafty clown's sleeve.
He must be stopped before he makes a laughing stock
of not only of Robin and me..
...your fine department and all of Gotham City.
And in conclusion, let me repeat the hope that Batman and Robin
were in no way helping the Joker
steal the jeweled key of Kaincardine
from Mr. Ferguson collection today
'just because the Dynamic Duo stood by ineffectively.'
Ineffectively? What an unpleasant innuendo.
There's a rumor around Gotham City tonight
that the Joker has some new invention against which
the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder are powerless.
Enough of rumors.
It's about time for the Green Hornet.
You're right, Bruce.
[electronic buzzing]
Citizens of Gotham City, this is the Joker.
[cackling]
'Coming to you through your key station'
via my high-powered jamming system.
And particularly addressing Batman, where ever you are.
Foiled, failed, frustrated and so defenseless
'I'll even give you a clue to my next crime.'
Don't give a hoot for the hobnailed.
But look for a bow and a bobtail.
[laughing]
Joker is in one of his more generous moods
providing us with clues.
Let's provide him with a little action.
To the Bat-poles.
In his strange and evil way
Robin, the Joker sometimes exhibits
a bit of twisted honesty.
I think we can ignore the first half of the clue.
As he suggested.
And concentrate on "Look for a bow and bobtails."
What you mean, Batman, twisted honesty?
He's trying to stump us, isn't he?
Let's say he wants us to take his tricky bait...the hard way.
Like we did today.
I think I have the solution to that, too, Robin.
When he was younger, the Joker was a well-known hypnotist.
- Holy mesmerism! - Exactly.
Catching us off guard
and using that ingenious box and key
as a temporary diversion
he momentarily had us in his power.
But that's water under of the bridge.
Look for a bow and bobtails.
A bow..
Bow knot..
Bow line..
Bow legs..
Bo Peep, rainbow?
No, I suspect there is some other key to..
Key.
Of course.
The loop of a key, the handle is also called..
...a bow.
Now bobtails.
Bobtailed horse, bobtailed drawbridge.
Bobtailed flush in poker.
- Bobtailed...lynx. - Lynx?
Cufflinks, uh, golf course?
L-Y-N-X.
A bobtailed species of wildcat with a valuable fur
varying in color..
That's it, Robin.
And the way he emphasized foiled, failed
frustrated and defenseless.
Sure, Batman, he must have the key
to Franchin's Fancy Fur Salon.
- Let's go! - One moment, Robin.
This requires unusual precaution.
Oh, I know diamonds are supposed to be a girl's best friend
but I could get real chummy with some mink or ermine.
I'll take three or four of these
and a couple of gorillas.
I think you mean Chinchilla, Cornelia.
One of the rarest and most costly of furs.
Oh, well, that's exactly what I mean.
But aren't you afraid we'll get caught
in a place like this, this time of night?
'Ah, with my duplicate key to the manager's office'
'we were able to come through his private entrance'
which has no burglar alarm.
And Latch and Bolt are in the front hall on guard.
With two recruits!
What about the clue you broadcast to Batman?
Ah, precisely why I brought my little magic box.
[laughing]
I'm looking forward to giving Batman and Robin
another taste of it's unique power.
[laughing]
This time's the joke's gonna be on the Joker.
So, let's get the jump on him.
Ooh, ho, ho!
Good evening, friends.
[laughing]
Something's wrong. The key must be broken.
It's not the key to that box that's broken, Joker.
It's your hypnotic power over us.
Well, it worked before.
This time we took our counter-hypnosis Bat-pellets.
From our Bat-capsule dispensary.
Latch, Bolt, everybody!
[intense music]
Nothing but some wires and a little battery.
Exactly, Robin.
We didn't give him time to induce hypnosis.
But as I've said
that monstrous mountebank is full of mad maneuvers.
Would you like me to bring down some breakfast?
The human body can only go so long without proper
food, drink and sleep.
It's only been one night, Alfred.
And we have to trap The Joker once and for all.
If I might suggest a thought, sir?
Hmm, oh, please do.
It struck me that recently
most of his messages have involved twists on words.
Word plays on keys, particularly.
Now, if in his private life--
Precisely the course we've been pursuing, Alfred.
Robin, what have you come up with?
Keyboard, key bugle, key fruit.
Keynote address, key signature, Keystone state.
Ah, by private life I meant
a change of identity.
Possibly, an assumed name.
Holy pseudonym.
Of course, Alfred, why didn't we think of that?
Would you mind handing me the telephone directory?
- Here we are, sir. - Thank you.
I programmed a Bat-computer feedback circuit
to isolate key name metaphors
in the greater Gotham City telephone directory.
It's got to be one of these.
Mrs. Carrie Bekeypin.
No, I don't think he'd be
masquerading as a woman.
The Locker Room?
An English grill I occasionally frequent.
Superb sweet pudding.
Louie Latch?
What about this one?
Clavier Ankh.
Clavier Ankh! What kind of a name is that?
A very revealing name, Robin.
The clavier is the keyboard of an organ
and ankh is a sacred Egyptian cross
symbolizing the key of life.
Gosh, Batman.
And the address.
No 1, Doughan Alley.
That's worthy of note.
It's a cool pad, Joker.
All you've seen of this cool pad, Cornelia, is that mirror.
Vanity's a waste of time.
I never look at myself.
Well, I'm younger, Joker.
And a girl.
And it is a cool pad.
Well, it will do for the purpose.
Do you really think Batman's smart enough to find it?
Oh, he's an adversary almost worthy of me, Cornelia.
But soon, will only be skeleton of one.
Ah!
And sooner than I planned, in fact.
There's the Batmobile now.
The Dynamic Duo are somewhat unorthodox, Cornelia.
No doubt they'll come up the outside wall.
You know what to do, Latch and Bolt will help
while Uncle Clavier double checks his Human-Key-Duplicator.
You mean a real live one?
You'll see, Cornelia.
Oh, at last the end of Batman and Robin is in sight
and I can start planning the craftiest caper of my career!
[laughing]
Your daily workout, Batman?
Yes, crime fighters have to stay in shape.
'But you know that.'
Well, my job's a little easier.
Sometimes, a fast gun has the edge on a fast Bat-rope.
I'm not invading your territory.
I'm just tracking down clue incognito.
Welcome and good luck.
If you need help you could always locate us through
Commissioner Gordon's office.
The Bat-phone number's unlisted.
Smart thinking.
Don't slip.
Brave men, Jim.
You startled me.
I'm sorry, young lady.
We're here to pay Mr. Clavier Ankh
a little unexpected visit.
This is his apartment, isn't it?
Uncle Clavier's in the library.
May I ask who's calling?
Batman and Robin.
Oh, yes.
This way, please.
The girl from the fur salon.
I'm afraid this could be a trap, Batman.
He who knows how to fear, Robin
knows how to proceed with safety.
A translation from Latin.
Maybe I should've told you.
The library's in the cellar.
Whoo! Ha ha ha!
To make this Human-Key-Duplicator
I also made some brilliant changes and innovations.
But I'm sure you understand the basic principles, Batman.
You are in this vise.
A duplicate blank key
is in this vise.
'And when I activate the motor'
'and the vises start turning'
that cutting blade
will do its grooviest work on you.
[laughing]
You monster!
A grown man like me should be prepared
to meet his maker at any time.
But not a boy like Robin.
What diabolical plan do you have for him?
First, a wax spray job.
Somewhat similar to what you get
when you have the Batmobile washed.
It takes a week or so for the wax to harden properly.
Until then, who knows?
A notched key for a lock with many wards, hmm?
Do I have to watch all this, Joker?
Their reflections icky.
Oh, not if it makes you squeamish, Cornelia.
Alright, to the wax spray chamber for the Boy Wonder.
[laughing]
'Start with a light spray.'
When every pore in his body is filled with wax
we'll apply a heavier coating.
Let's get the skeletonizing process over with, Batman
while you're all keyed up.
Have you a last word for posterity?
Only this, Joker
Evil sometimes triumphs temporarily
but never conquers.
If I have time, Batman
I'll see that that is properly engraved on your tombstone.
In the mean time..
[laughing]
Is there any key
to the solution of this monstrous scheme?
Will Batman really be skeletonized?
And Robin waxed and then notched?
Keep keen-edged
keen-witted
and keep watching!
Tomorrow!
Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman