¶ Batman
So far, we have seen
outside the annual Gotham City charity luncheon.
A different kind of charity.
And a different kind of hero.
The Penguin. Penguin, a civic minded citizen?
Holy turnabouts.
Something's fishy.
Mayor Linseed, what was it?
Penguin for Mayor.
He couldn't possibly win.
Oh, yes, he could.
Disaster for Gotham City.
Only one hope.
Batman for Mayor.
The Penguin campaigned in high gear.
Penguin posters everywhere.
Batman discussed the issues
to sympathetic supporters.
While Penguin issued champagne
and other goodies.
The caped candidate talked to the voters.
But these voters wanted him out of the race.
Robin, a political liability.
Holy soap suds.
An acid bath that could eat them clean to the bone.
And a deadly set of scales.
The waddling politico arrives to quack.
Hang on for just one searing minute.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
In a few seconds, we're gonna be in the soup, Batman.
It's all my fault, Robin.
I should have recognized those goons as soon as I saw them.
Well.
Here goes.
Batman.
Batman!
Batman, are you alright?
Yes, thanks to Alfred.
Lucky he insisted on making these new costumes
out of acid-proof material.
Holy coffin nails, Batman.
You sure had me scared.
Just a second while I dissolve these thongs.
Now, to get you down from there.
Then, we'll get out of here.
Like 'em, Pengy?
Never mind the buttons, Lulu.
Batman is no longer with us.
As of now, it's a one man race.
Then you should win it easily.
Ah ha ha, that's very true.
Thank you, thank you.
Eh?
What?
Acid-proof costumes?
Foe! For him!
Well, he's not smear-proof.
And when I get through with him on our TV debate
even his own mother won't vote for him.
This is ridiculous, Batman.
Debating the Penguin on television
when he tried to kill you two hours ago.
Unfortunately, we have no proof.
If I mention it, the Fair Campaign Practices committee
would accuse me of using smear tactics.
I certainly wouldn't want that.
You have to hold still, sir.
Otherwise I shall be smearing the make up on your cowl.
Sorry, Alfred.
There.
You should look quite good under the light's now, sir.
How do you do, ladies and gentlemen?
Station KGOM is very happy and proud to bring you a debate
between the candidates who are running
for mayor of Gotham City.
I believe The Penguin
will lead off the debate.
Friends and fellow citizens
I want to give you my solemn word
that there will be no
mud-slinging in this campaign.
Unless, of course, my opponent slings it.
But I intend to stick to the issues.
Now, what are the issues?
There is only one.
Batman!
'Who is he?'
'Who is this acrobatic clown'
who somersaults around Gotham City..
...in a ridiculous costume?
I suggest that behind that mask
Batman is, in reality, a dangerous criminal.
Why else does he wear a mask?
Why else does he conceal his past?
Would you think about that a moment, my friends?
'Whenever you've seen Batman'
'who is he with?'
Criminals!
'That's who.'
'You look in the old news papers.'
Every picture of Batman shows him with thugs
and with thieves and hobnobbing with crooks.
Where as my pictures show me
always surrounded by whom?
By the police.
I am associate of the law.
- You listen to those lies! - Oh, that penguin!
He's as crooked as a warped shillelagh!
Now, which man do you want to run Gotham City?
A man like myself who is always in the company of the law?
Or a man like Batman who rubs elbows
'with the worst elements so this city'
'and who is undoubtedly a desperate criminal himself?'
Think about it without rancor.
And remember this.
No mud-slinging in this campaign.
Yeah, Penguin! Atta boy.
Thank you very much.
You bet!
And now, we should have a few words from the other candidate.
My fellow citizens.
'Let me begin by pointing out some inconsistencies'
'in both the logic and the substance'
'of Mr. Penguin's preceding remarks.'
[indistinct singing]
What's going on?
This is your doing, you waddling pact politician.
Tut, tut, wonder midget.
Can I help it if I have enthusiastic fans?
'Besides, now, the voters won't be bored to death'
by Batman's babble.
[laughing]
We interrupt this broadcast for a special news flash.
(Reporter) 'The Gotham City Convention Hall containing two million dollars'
'worth of displays for the forth coming jewelers convention'
'is being robbed by a gang of criminals'
'who have barricaded themselves inside..'
Well, don't just stand there. Get down to Convention Hall.
Right, commissioner.
We better get right down there, Robin.
'Alright, you two incompetents.'
You'll botch this job.
Citizen Penguin to the rescue.
This is Walter Klondike
in the lobby of Gotham City's Convention Hall
where one of the greatest robberies of all time
is taking place right now.
The two candidates from air have just gone inside
to help subdue the cut-throat gang
that has kept Gotham City's police force at bay.
Oh, Chief O'Hara.
Well, chief, how does it look to you now?
Grim.
That's how it looks.
I only hope that Batman and Robin
get out of there alive.
- Hmm, how about The Penguin? - Him! Why, that--
Thank you very much, Chief O'Hara.
We now switch you to Chet Chumley
inside Convention Hall.
Come in, Chet.
Thank you, Walter.
This is Chet Chumley inside Convention Hall.
From our post here, high above the floor
we can see the battle spread before us.
And Batman, Robin and The Penguin
are struggling furiously with the thugs
who are attempting to make off
with over a million dollars in jewels.
No, not so fakely, you faker.
Not so real!
Well, that's all for Robin.
Just leaves the two candidates..
Ah, we switch now to David Dooley
down at the convention floor.
Come in, David.
Thank you, Chet.
This is David Dooley on the convention floor.
I'm gonna maneuver to Batman to see
if I can get him to say a few words.
Is there anything you'd like to say to the audience, Batman?
Of course, Batman, a little bit later.
Thank you.
This is David Dooley on the convention floor.
I switch you back now to Chet Chumley.
Take it away, Chet.
Thank you, David.
This is Chet Chumley, high above the convention floor.
The battle is raging hot and heavy below us.
Wait a minute.
Batman got one.
Now, it looks like The Penguin is about to get one.
He did.
Score one more for the Penguin.
Well, it looks like the Penguin is holding up quite a lead.
But it's still a tight contest.
I think that David is maneuvered over toward The Penguin now
so we switch to the convention floor and David Dooley.
Come in, David.
Thank you, Chet.
This is David Dooley on the convention floor.
I'm going to see if we can get a few words
from the other candidate.
Is there anything you'd like to say to our television audience?
I'm very busy right now, David
as you can see.
Bringing law and order back to Gotham City.
Alright, just have a few words to say to the voters.
Even though my own life is in danger.
Where's the camera?
Ladies and gentlemen, friends of Gotham City
you've seen both of the candidates in action.
And you can decide yourself
which of us is better able to run this glorious city.
Now, you seem to be putting more thugs
out of business than Batman.
- How do you explain that? - Who said I'm like him?
Batman is in cahoots with the criminal elements.
He's got one foot in the underground.
Thank you for your opinion, Penguin.
Mr. Penguin!
I'll teach you to fire our fair city.
The Penguin!
What a man! What a man!
The Penguin has certainly gained some political mileage today.
Batman, are you alright?
They were just too many for me, Robin.
But somehow, the Penguin
was knocking them down left and right.
That whole thing was a setup, Batman.
That waddling weasel planned it.
Perhaps. But I'm afraid we can't prove it.
I guess nobody likes a loser.
Well, that's the story from Convention Hall.
Goodnight, David.
Goodnight, Chet.
It's a black day for Gotham City.
I just talked to Gallus, Rouper and Trendek.
How bad was it?
The latest poll shows sixty five percent, Penguin.
Thirty five percent, Batman.
Cha! That's gratitude for you!
After all that Batman has done for our citizens.
I think you underestimate the good citizens
of Gotham City, chief.
But look at the poll, Batman.
Elections are not won by polls, commissioner.
They're won by votes.
At least, in this country.
Sixty five percent is a big margin, Batman.
I know it looks grim, Robin.
But I wouldn't throw in the towel
until the votes are counted.
Ah, the first return should be coming in now.
'This is Walter Klondike.'
The first returns on the mayor's election
have just come in.
As usual, the north-eastern precincts are reporting earliest
and the tally from the north-east gives the Penguin
twelve thousand five hundred seventy four
and Batman, nine thousand six hundred eighty two.
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Hello, commissioner.
This is next mayor of Gotham City speaking.
What? Who is this?
No, I just want to tell you not to worry about your job.
See, I'm appointing The Riddler new commissioner of police.
And he's promised to give you back your old job.
Why, you pompous--
Well, that's pounding the bead on the waterfront.
Why, you..
Listen, you malignant--
Well, ta-ta!
No harsh words, please.
Commissioner, I'll put you in charge of cleaning sewers.
'How dare you!'
And you tell that Irish stooge of yours
that his next job will be shinning the shoes
of the new police chief.
The Joker.
[laughing]
The terrible thing is, in a few short hours
that mangy bird may be my boss.
Here's a new development, ladies and gentlemen.
Although the eastern precincts went heavily for The Penguin
the middle and western precincts show a very strong Batman trend.
Western precincts.
Batman's probably getting the Indian vote.
Penguin's lead has narrowed to a few thousand
and continues to shrink.
This election may still have some few surprises ahead.
You blow-hards told me I couldn't lose.
What's happening?
The X-factor.
Random sampling error.
Well, you better pray that my lead holds
or you'll be taking random samplings of river water..
...from the bottom.
It's too good to be true.
The returns.
Here are the latest reports.
The Batman trend is continuing.
The Western precincts have gone solidly for Batman.
The caped candidate is now to within
one thousand votes of the Penguin.
You were the only one who really had faith in the voters, Batman.
I'm ashamed of meself.
We're all ashamed, Batman.
While we were ready to desert the ship
you never lost your courage.
You brought us safely through.
I never would've believed that the polls could be wrong.
There've been other candidates who've trusted too much
of the polls, Mayor Linseed.
And they found out that it's the votes that count.
Smart politicians trust the voters, not the polls.
After all, if you can't trust the voters, whom can you trust?
I'll win this election by hook or by crook.
At least you have choices, Pengy.
If you don't have a board of electors
you can't count the votes.
And if you can't count the votes
you can't announce the winner.
That's real sharp thinking.
So, hang the polls and hang the pollsters.
I told you not to count those hobos down at the grave yards.
What about the two sword swallowers
and the lady wrestler you turned in?
Nobody will ever listen to us again.
Don't worry. We can always get a job rating TV shows.
Ha-ha!
- We're going to win. - Saints be praised!
You certainly thought me a few things about politics, Batman.
Hello.
Oh, just a minute.
- For you. - Hello.
The law says that the votes must be counted only
by a duly appointed
'board of elections, Batman.'
'And it so happens that I have the board of elections'
'right here with me.'
And unless the city council meets within one half an hour
and proclaims me mayor of Gotham City
they will be counting the votes in a morgue.
You forget about the Bat-tracer, Batman, because I'm not gonna be
on the phone long enough to let you trace the call.
Goodbye.
The Penguin has kidnapped
the board of elections, Mayor Linseed.
Holy potluck!
No, Robin, not at all.
Even The Penguin hasn't unlimited funds.
I suspect the campaign has severely depleted his resources
and he's holding his hostages in the headquarters
of that vulnerable organization.
The Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks.
Let's go.
One and half hours up and nothing from Batman.
I think my little grandstand play
has turned the tide.
Turn the TV on again, Lulu
while we watch ex-mayor Hayseed or whatever his name is
proclaim me mayor.
Oh, I'm gonna wring this city dry.
I'm gonna pick the bones of Gotham City
and throw the carcass to the finks.
[laughing]
(Batman) 'Aren't you being a little premature, Penguin?'
How did you find this place?
You goofed, that's how.
And no good mayor ever goofs.
Particularly, when he hasn't even been elected yet.
But I have the board of elections here.
They can't have counted any more votes.
They didn't need to.
Why, there's some sort of a trick, that's what it is.
Some sort of a low, scurvy
underhanded political sort of a trick.
I'll have you reported
to the Fair Campaign Practices Committee.
No, Pengy.
You said we associated with criminals.
So, here we are.
Attack!
I thought you bought the machine
to turn out your campaign literature, Pengy.
Look what it's turning it out now.
I see it.
And it's not literature.
I'm getting out of here before they package me.
You'd better, too.
No! Batman wouldn't dare touch me.
Think what it would do to his public image.
Remember, remember I'm a candidate
'for the mayor of Gotham City.'
Now, you lay hands on me
and I'll have the woollens out.
Keep your distance! Keep your distance, I say!
Keep you distance!
I think it's time for us to wrap up the election, Batman.
I take it you mean wrap up the candidate.
Oh, exactly.
[screaming]
Ah!
In case you're interested, Penguin, Batman won the election
by an overwhelming margin.
The votes were already counted when you kidnapped the board.
Fraud! It's a fraud, I say.
I demand a recount.
Don't worry.
You'll have another chance soon.
The Convict's Committee for Clean Prison..
...Government is having an election next week.
You should arrive...just in time to run for chairman.
And if you need any endorsements
just let us know.
[quacking]
I demand my constitutional rights.
Now, that I have resigned in favor of Mayor Linseed
Gotham City will be back in good hands
for another four years.
And if nothing else
Robin got a good lesson in civics.
Oh, I had enough experience to last me forever.
Now, you can never have too much experience in politics, Robin.
As many politicians have discovered.
[phone ringing]
Yeah.
Why, yes, he's right here.
Batman, for you.
Thank you.
Batman.
Thank you very much.
I'm flattered that your committee should be interested
in me as a presidential candidate for 1968.
But I'm afraid my Gotham City duties take precedence.
Yes, I will definitely let you know
if I change my mind.
Well.
Bulging ballet boxes!
Batman, that was some offer!
And you ain't even a general, Batman.
Anyway it was nice of them to call.
[phone ringing]
Yes.
Hold on, just a moment.
Batman, another call.
Yes, Batman.
I'm flattered, gentlemen
but I thought your party had a candidate for 1968.
Next week, Mr. Freeze returns.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman