¶ Batman
(male narrator) A glorious day for the annual luncheon
of the Gotham City Charity Fund.
Uh-oh. There's trouble on the wing.
Wait for me.
'Help! Help!'
I'm being hijacked by a hooligan.
Please, won't somebody help me.
Foul play in our fair city.
That crooked quacker is up to no good.
Citizen Penguin to the rescue.
You foul, filcher..
I'll teach you to prey on helpless Gothamites.
Penguin. What's going on here?
It's me you should be slugging.
What? Citizen Penguin molest a minion of the law?
Ha, it's inconceivable.
Take care of this poor old man.
The Penguin did what?
Floored a thug who was holding up a blind news-dealer?
Was polite to a police officer?
Saved a baby in a buggy from being hit by a truck?
And then donated $100,000 to the Gotham City Charity Fund?
You're absolutely sure it was the Penguin?
Alright, Sims.
Keep an eye on him.
Did you hear all that, chief?
That I did, commissioner.
Oh, that feathered fiend must be cookin' up
something pretty foul in his bubblin' cauldron.
There's only one man capable of unraveling
this tangled scheme.
Hark.
Is this a dagger which I see before me?
The handle toward my hand.
Come, let me clutch thee.
I have thee not, yet I see thee still.
It's very nice that you're playing the lead
in Macbeth, Dick, but don't forget
that you have a civics exam coming up.
Besides, Alfred may be getting uncomfortable.
Oh, not at all, sir.
I've always had a fondness for Shakespeare.
[bat-phone beeping]
Eh, one moment, sir.
Yes, commissioner.
I see. We'll be right down.
Civics will have to wait, Dick. Penguin is up to new tricks.
Alfred, you may exercise your familiarity with the bard.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
[intense music]
[sizzling]
[tires screeching]
Did you hear those rumors in the lobby?
The Penguin running for Mayor.
It's a free country, Robin.
It won't be if he's elected.
Besides, I thought convicted felons were barred from holding
any official office.
I suspect Penguin has done
his civics homework well, Robin.
And has discovered that paragraph 34-A
of the city charter has never been officially repealed.
It specifically allows convicted criminals
to run for public office.
Holy disaster area.
I don't think there is any danger
of the Penguin being elected, Robin.
Hmm.
The people of Gotham city are not as simple minded
as he might think.
Thirteen please.
I'm glad you two are here, Dynamic Duo.
I wanted a chance to say goodbye.
I think you tend to overestimate the Penguin, Mayor Linseed.
Well, the Gotham City News-dealers Association
doesn't overestimate him.
They endorsed him.
Thanks to those shenanigans
he pulled this afternoon.
'The same shenanigans got him the endorsement'
'from the Gotham City Charity Fund.'
Not to mention the East Coast Bird-Lovers Society.
- Commissioner. - Yeah.
Uh, Bonnie.
Send in Gallus, Rooper and Trendek.
Gallus, Rooper, Trendek.
- Take it away, CF. - Thank you, EG.
Now, this is an accurate depiction
of the Gotham city electorate.
As determined by our famous random sampling method.
'Result, 30 percent stated their preference'
'for Mayor Linseed.'
60 percent prefer the Penguin.
And 7 percent were undecided.
What's the fourth line on the chart?
Ah, yes. That represents two old ladies
who are backing Harry Goldwinner.
The monarchist candidate.
And that, gentlemen, is the big picture.
Now if you'll excuse us
we have an appointment with the other candidate.
Gallus, Rooper, Trendeck.
They're never wrong.
It's hopeless, I can't possibly beat the Penguin.
He'll use every underhanded political trick in the book
and he probably know more underhanded tricks
than...even I know.
It is true, that the Penguin is somewhat
devious in his methods, but--
No, Batman.
I don't have a chance.
There's only one hope.
Yes?
You , Batman.
'Me?'
Yes, Batman. You.
You're the only one popular enough to stand a chance
'of beating that tricky bird.'
The Mayor is right, Batman.
The Penguin will try to smear whoever runs against him.
You're the only man in Gotham city
whose reputation is spotless enough
to stand up against him.
You've got to run, Batman.
I can run as deputy mayor on the same ticket with you.
It's the only way we can save Gotham City
from the clutches of that feathered fiend.
To run for mayor
of a great American city like this one.
It's a great responsibility.
But, am I worthy of it?
If you're not, nobody is, Batman.
Guardian of the peoples trust.
No, no. I'm not worthy of it.
You're the only man in Gotham city who is, Batman.
You've got to accept, Batman.
We're they representatives of the people.
And we call upon you to save Gotham city
from the horrible fate of the Penguin as mayor.
Very well.
I accept the call of the people.
Hurray for Batman! Batman for mayor!
- Hurray! - Hurray!
Not far away
at Penguin Campaign Headquarters.
[upbeat music]
[crowd cheering]
All together.
¶ For he's a jolly good fellow
¶ Which nobody can deny
Quack. Quack. Alright, back to work.
Everybody, when we're through with this campaign
even Mayor Linseed will vote for me.
[crowd cheering]
Gee, I wish I was old enough to vote for you, Mr. Penguin.
Don't worry, little one, you'll get your chance
on my fourth term.
[crowd laughing]
Quick, the latest figures.
How much of a lead do I have?
- None. - None?
Just three hours ago
you told me that I had 60 percent of the electorate.
That was a pre-Batman poll.
Since Batman announced his candidacy
'55 percent favor Batman.'
'35 percent favor the Penguin.'
'7 percent are undecided.'
And 3 percent are still backing
Harry Goldwinter, the monarchist candidate.
So, ol' pointy ears has thrown his cowl into the ring, huh?
Good. Once and for all, I'll settle matters
with that masked moron.
And when I finish with him
he won't garner enough votes to be elected dog-catcher.
[applause]
Hello, workers.
Double the assessments.
Triple the size of the posters.
Quadruple the number of campaign buttons.
We'll give the voters of this city
the kind of campaign that they want.
Plenty of girls and bands and slogans
and lots of hoopla.
But remember, no politics.
Issues confuse people.
See, a big smile, hearty handshake
and a really catchy campaign song.
That's the way to win an election.
Quack, quack, quack.
[applause]
Meanwhile, at Batman Campaign Headquarters.
Don't you think we should make them a little bigger, Batman?
I think these are quite large enough, Robin.
After all the voters are interested in issues
not in window dressing.
Sure, Batman. But a little showmanship won't hurt us any.
No, Robin. I want to conduct a campaign
that deals with the issues.
I'm convinced.
The American electorate is too mature
to be taken in by cheap, vaudeville trickery.
'After all, if our national leaders'
'were elected on the basis of tricky slogans'
brass bands and pretty girls
our country would be in a terrible mess, wouldn't it?
I'm sure you don't remember me, Batman.
I'm Harriet Cooper, Dick Grayson's aunt.
Of course I remember you, Mrs. Cooper.
Welcome to Campaign Headquarters.
Oh, you always say exactly the right thing.
And I'm sure you're going to do exactly the right thing
for the people of this great city.
Win the election and be an outstanding mayor.
I'm going...to try.
The Penguin must be beaten at all costs.
And I know costs run high in a political campaign.
Perhaps this will help.
Too generous.
Not for such an important cause.
This is just my little way of taking an interest in politics.
As all good citizens should.
- Thank you. - Bye.
Bye.
Holy bank balance!
It's because of people like aunt...Mrs. Cooper
that our cause must not fail, Robin.
Hmm.
And so, the campaign begins.
Hey, you. That's against the law.
Well, chief, how does the campaign look to you?
I just don't know, commissioner.
At first, I though Batman was a sure win.
But that blasted bird has put on a fantastic campaign.
'There's nowhere in Gotham city'
'he doesn't have one of his ugly posters.'
I just don't know, commissioner.
Hello, Batman. We came down for your rally
and we're with you all the way.
Thanks. I appreciate your support.
And we brought our babies for you to kiss.
- I'm afraid I can't do that. - What?
It's a rather unsanitary habit, you see.
Babies that small are very susceptible to germs.
My child, unsanitary?
That's not what I meant.
A politician that won't kiss babies?
That's outrageous.
I admit it's rather unusual but--
It's more than unusual, it's downright suspicious.
More than suspicious, it's downright criminal.
What can you expect from a fake politician like Batman?
Well there, little darling.
Oh, you darling.
Where's the other one?
Let me see the other one.
Oh, how could anyone not love
such a sweet darling, beautiful child as yours, madam?
Anyone except Batman, that is.
I'll give 'em a little kissy.
[baby crying]
Don't tell me you good voters are going to the Batman rally.
I wouldn't go if you paid me.
The man's a child hater.
[chuckling]
Down the block and to the right
the Penguin rally is in full swing.
'Count us in.'
You can't trust a guy who doesn't like kids.
[chuckling]
Slimy snake in a pose.
That was a dirty low down trick.
Right you are, masked mutton-head.
'It's one of my lowest.'
'Politics is wonderful.'
I can use all my lowest, slurpiest tricks.
But now they're legal.
Oh, should have been a politician years ago.
Bear in mind, Robin, that most politicians
are honest servants of the people.
The dishonest ones are the exception.
As candidate for mayor of Gotham city
I hope that this campaign
will be a sober discussion
of basic issues.
I'm glad to see so many citizens
'who are concerned about their cities welfare'
'and interested in its problems.'
I wish Batman would put a little more zip in his speech.
Chief, chief.
Hmm? Oh. Sorry, commissioner.
Can't we get Batman to agree to one little brass band?
Batman feels that a political campaign
should not be a vaudeville show, Mayor Linseed.
But this isn't a political campaign
this is a funeral service.
I know my opponent is having a rally
down the street.
I hope, that he too
will address himself to basic issues.
[crowd cheering]
[applause]
Champagne for everybody.
Hurray for Penguin!
Hurray for me!
[upbeat music]
¶ Vote for Penguin, yessiree ¶
¶ He's the bird for you and me ¶
¶ Clean up Gotham one, two, three¶
¶ Cast your vote for Pengy ¶
¶ Friends and fellow Gothamites ¶
¶ The Penguin platform is simple ¶
¶ Extremism in defense..
¶ Moderation is presumed a virtue ¶
[clapping]
[applause]
'My friends'
The Penguin party stands for mother.
[applause]
Country.
[applause]
The flag.
[applause]
It's such a pleasure to hear plain honest talk
from a candidate. Instead of the usual political mumbo-jumbo.
[shouting]
Holy giveaways, Batman.
No wonder we couldn't get anyone at our rally.
Penguin was serving free champagne down the block.
To each his own, Robin.
The Penguin depends upon the cynicism of the people
while I depend on their good judgment.
Let's just hope that I'm right.
What's on our agenda for the rest of the day?
You're scheduled to address two fraternal orders
and a women's garden club.
Which is first?
The Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks.
They've asked you to speak to the members.
The Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks.
I wonder if there's any
particular significance to that name.
After all, there's more to Penguin's caper
'than just running for mayor.'
If he wins, he'll bleed Gotham City dry.
Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks.
Wanna feed it to the bat-analyser
'and see what we get?'
That won't be necessary, Robin.
G-O-O-N.
[chatter]
Oh. Welcome Batman.
to the Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks.
Thank you. It's always a pleasure
to talk to the voters.
Our members can hardly wait.
Those faces look awfully familiar, Batman.
You're right, Robin.
I recognize three of them
from the Gotham City police files.
I smell a rat.
Two rats, Boy Wonder.
And guess who the cats are.
[intense music]
Alright, Batman.
Enough of the fancy umbrella play.
Since you're so eager to discuss
the weighty issues in the campaign, Batman
we've fixed up a little surprise for you.
[laughing]
[dramatic music]
Well, Batman.
It looks like the Penguin put the election on ice, huh?
[laughing]
Ha, what's going on here?
This is outrageous.
How dare you threaten the life of a political candidate?
That's an outrage, I say.
An outrage.
Look at that.
As the ice melts
Batman and Robin will sink lower and lower
into this vat.
This vat of sulphuric acid.
How horrendous.
I intend to summon the police, this very instant.
Oh, dear me.
I seem to have run out of dimes.
How tragic.
Well, don't fear, Batman.
I shall run to the police station myself.
If I hurry, I should be there
in 3-4 hours, at the most. Hmm?
I'm off and running.
Citizen Penguin to the rescue.
Quack, quack, quack.
Holy bat-graves!
An acid bubble bath for Batman and Robin!
What a way to lose and election!
Batman, don't just lie there! Do something!
Whatever you do, don't miss tomorrow's bubbling finish!
Same time, same bat-channel...
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman