¶ Batman
(male narrator) We have already seen..
...the great maestro of the keyboard
Chandell.
Attacked by phantoms at Wayne Manor!
Catastrophe!
Batman on vacation.
Out of touch!
Chandell demand protection.
Tricky Chandell.
Who was also the criminal Fingers.
Blackmailed into a life of crime
by twin brother Harry.
Police precautions at a concert..
..in vain.
Chandell struck by a remote piano control.
But wait, way off in the wilderness
Bruce Wayne hears a false note!
A call to Dick Grayson.
Chandell in hot pursuit!
Why?
What could he be up to?
A false attack!
A devilish clue!
Into a trap!
The Dynamic Duo, about to be perforated
into human piano rolls.
Disaster!
Which way out?
The most dreadful music is yet to come..
...in just one minute!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[piano music]
Holy metronome! What a fate.
Punched in a player piano rolls.
True, Robin, scarcely an end
I'd ever anticipate.
Life, a cup full of surprises to the last drop.
See any way out, Batman?
Frankly, from this perspective, no.
- Wait a minute. - A minute's too long.
My toes are almost in the puncher.
Robin, with every once of breath that's left in you
sing along with me.
Sing what?
Don't ask questions, Robin.
Sing each note precisely as I do.
When I sing, you sing. Ready, Robin?
Sing.
[both scatting]
Will that terrible song never stop?
Death squeals of a brace of bats.
Nice singing, Robin.
It saved our lives.
Holy Caruso, how?
Observe how this machine works.
Music from the master piano is picked up by this microphone
and transported to the perforating cylinders
which reproduce the chords perfectly.
We outshouted the piano. Don't you see?
Sure, but how come we didn't get punched full of holes?
Because of the notes I selected.
They were calculated to make the punches fall
precisely around the outlines of our body.
I visualized the chords in my mind.
Holy perfect pitch!
Yes, it's useful sometimes.
However, no time for self congratulation.
Let's burst in and bag those birds.
Roger!
Poor bats, they squeak no more.
Truly...spoken!
You vile criminal twin!
Girls, run for your lives.
I'll round up those crooked cookies.
No, Robin, wait.
Batman to police.
There's a knocked out criminal at 20-B Front street.
Zip code 9-9-9-9-9-7-9.
Come! Pick him up. Batman, out.
Holy fugitives. You mean we're gonna let those girls go?
Yes, Robin..
...as part of a plan.
The infamy of it.
Attacking your own brother, the great artist Chandell
with a root beer bottle.
- What's behind all this? - I don't know.
Alright, canary, start talking.
It's somebody called "Fingers".
- Fingers? - Yeah.
He's behind it all.
He's got a plot to get his mitts
on the entire fortune of millionaire Bruce Wayne.
Okay, pal. Button up.
My name is Alfred Slye, sir.
I'm a noted criminal attorney.
Very incautious of you to begin this interrogation
without my presence, wasn't it?
Chief.
A most unwelcome arrival.
Just when the funk was talking.
Want me to toss the mouthpiece out?
Heaven forbid, Chief O'Hara.
In today's climate, that'd land us behind bars.
Then what will we do?
Patience and subtlety, the honest policeman's only aides.
Turn up the lights a notch.
No law against making these villains sweat.
Excuse us, it was a trifle dark in here.
Here you are, pal.
Muchas gracias, amigo.
- That's too much! - Indeed!
Talk about crude, naked police brutality. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Are you gonna charge my client or aren't you?
I hereby charge him with the felonious
attempt to perforate the Dynamic Duo
into player piano music rolls.
Very amusing. Where are your witnesses?
- Witnesses? - I owe a countercharge, sir!
I accuse Batman and Robin of malicious mischief.
To which, the damage of a licensed perforating machine
by introducing foreign objects into same.
Said objects being themselves.
- Saints alive. - The world's gone mad.
The whole planet, lunatic!
Come along, Harry.
You don't have to listen to this raving.
A new super criminal with a plan for getting
the entire Wayne fortune..
To put it pithily..
...this Fingers fits like a glove.
Fits what, Batman?
The musical theme that's run through this entire affair.
Holy greed, how could a crook hope
to get hold of the Wayne fortune?
A good question, Robin. Pursue it.
Impossible, Batman.
Your assets are tied up by a 100 iron clad trusts.
Precisely.
At the risk of alarming you
I can see only one.
What would happen to Bruce Wayne's fortune..
...if he suffered a fatal accident?
Gosh, I guess I, Dick Grayson, would inherit it.
Right again.
And if Dick's life were snuffed out in that same accident?
(Robin) 'It would all go to Aunt Harriet.'
Excuse me, sir.
Will be wishing my services for the next few hours?
Not that I know about, Alfred. Why?
Mrs. Cooper has requested me to drive her into the city, sir.
It appears she has another, uh..
...secret rendezvous with the maestro, Chandell.
In his dressing room, sir.
Atop the Gotham city town hall.
Good day, sir.
Holy Bluebeard!
You mean Fingers and Chandell are the same guy?
I fear it's a dreadful probability.
He's gonna pump us off in our guise of Bruce and Dick.
Then vamp Aunt Harriet and marry the Wayne fortune.
A clever and diabolical scheme.
This Chandell is a deucedly attractive fellow.
He could pull it off.
Gosh, Batman.
How could a man like Chandell, the world's greatest pianist
take up a life of a murderous crime?
I think I've guessed that, too, Robin.
Close your eyes.
Summon up every ounce of your super keen musical memory.
Okay, Batman.
My eyes are shut.
I'm summoning.
Remember that concert Chandell gave at the White House
some time ago?
We listened to it together, you recall?
Sure, that was the concert which made him famous.
I remember every note.
Excellent.
Concentrate on the Andante passage
at his first selection.
About the 12th bar... from the top..
...of page 17 of the score.
I'm with you. Page 17.
Listen to it.
Savor the maestro's interpretation.
[sighs]
Beautiful.
Such feeling.
And I recall a..
Holy Paderewski!
Good boy, Robin. You've caught it.
That was exactly the same as the Paderewski version.
So exactly..
...that I can draw only one conclusion.
He used a player piano at that concert.
With the music roll cut by Paderewski himself!
Precisely.
A roll undoubtedly secured from twin brother Harry's
music roll factory.
To the Batmobile!
¶ Come let us stroll down lover's lane ¶
¶ And let me kiss you once again ¶
¶ Soon we must say
¶ Auf wiedersehen ¶
¶ Auf wiedersehen my dear ¶
¶ I know my heart won't beat again ¶
¶ Until the day we meet again ¶
¶ Sweetheart, goodbye Auf wiedersehen ¶
¶ Auf wiedersehen my dear ¶
The softness of these hands..
I'm made mindful of a night moth's wings.
Oh, you're simply a poet, maestro.
Like a night moth's wings they're dusted.
Dusted with the stuff
that dreams are made of.
Oh, Chandell.
That masher, I'll fix him.
Hold it, old chum, we mustn't give ourselves away.
Self control is sure tough sometimes, Batman.
All virtues are, old chum.
Indeed, that's why they're virtues.
However, all philosophy aside..
...it looks like Chandell has Aunt Harriet quite thoroughly
in his fingers... so to speak.
Which isn't a bad thing, Robin.
It sets the stage for our next startling move.
What, Batman?
Back to Wayne Manor.
To the photographic dark room we built in the hall closet.
(Batman) 'I have a little plan of my own.'
[explosion]
Great heavens! Mr. Bruce! Master Dick!
Fantastic.
I couldn't have arranged it any better myself.
Are you going to marry her, Chandell darling?
Of course, I'll marry her.
Then I'll sneak 5 million out of our joint checking account
and pay off my blackmailing brother, Harry.
Imagine... Farewell, Chandell.
I'll cast off my criminal skin like a molting butterfly.
Hold the phone, butterfly.
After you marry that rich old dame, where does that leave us?
We've slaved for you, Chandell.
We've given you the best years of our criminal lives.
Dear Doe..
Ravishing Rae..
Marvelous Mimi..
You don't dream I'd cast you off, I hope.
I have plans for you.
I'll bet you do.
[high bagpipe notes]
Oh, my ears! Oh!
Hey, kitties.
What's going on here?
That genius twin brother of yours.
I had to cool him, Harry.
Take our word, he's planning to go straight.
And double-cross us all.
It wouldn't surprise me a bit.
'He never was much good.'
- Mr. Slye. - Yes, amigo?
(Harry) 'A legal question.'
Say this Cooper dame does marry this boob.
How long before the will is settled
and he gets the dough?
Well, considering the crowded state of our courts
I'd say about 11 years.
Eleven years?
With the Dynamic Duo on our tails
we'll be lucky if we last 11 hours.
Which reminds me, Harry.
My bill for springing you from the hoosegow.
A 100,000 bucks.
Payable by midnight tonight or else
ethics demand that I turn you back in.
You're a charming fellow, Mr. Slye.
[laughing] I'm a criminal attorney.
It says so... on my letterhead.
Music, "Dream Boat."
[high bagpipe notes]
No!
[indistinct mumbling]
[dramatic music]
Dig out that costume of my twin brother's.
The one he wore at Queen Elizabeth's coronation.
I've just thought of a beautiful new plan.
[crying] When that awful explosion happened, they were..
They were enlarging a photograph of me.
(Harry) 'Sweet Harriet, please.'
'Don't engulf yourself in foolish guilt.'
Control yourself.
Listen to me.
I have a proposal to make.
A proposal?
Holy heartbreak! How can he, at a time like this?
I propose to perform a memorial concert
at Gotham Town Hall tonight.
Strange. Hardly the proposal I expected.
Oh, maestro. How generous of you.
Do me a great honor.
Appear with me on stage and sing some sweet song
in your incomparable voice.
Oh, yes. I know just the thing.
Wonderful, dear Harriet.
Drop by my dressing room at 7 and we'll rehearse a bit.
Until tonight at 7, farewell.
Adieu.
[instrumental music]
Alfred, oh, Alfred.
You called, madam?
Alfred, will you please bring me
a tiny glass of blackberry brandy?
Oh!
Begging your pardon, madam, but, uh
this unprecedented request for strong spirits..
Is something amiss?
It's not amiss, Alfred. It's a nightmare.
That man who was just here is an impostor.
He was not Chandell.
Dear me!
How bizarre! Are you certain, madam?
Oh, yes, Alfred. I'm quite certain.
When a man whom I know as well as I know Chandell
gives my hand a kiss..
Well, Alfred, there's an old saying.
"A girl can tell."
¶ I know it has the secret ¶
¶ Of it all
¶ All the longing working waiting burning churn ¶
Oh, dear.
Mercy me. I'm an old fool, aren't I?
Oh, don't say it, dear lady.
It's your hat brim. It obscures the sheet music.
Perhaps if you removed your chapeau.
That's a good idea.
[piano music]
As they say in the movies, "Stick up your mitts."
[music continues]
Come on, out.
You're not the great Chandell.
You must be that awful twin brother
I read about in the papers.
Your name is Harry, is it not?
Your cleverness outdoes itself, sweet lady.
Don't you sweet lady me, you common crook.
What's the plot? Were you going to marry me for my money?
I'll admit, that was one notion.
But it's been revised, however.
The current plot is to lure you here
and hold you for a gigantic ransom.
Oh, fiddlesticks. Who'd pay a gigantic ransom for me?
The trustees at the Wayne Foundation, naturally.
As sole heiress to millionaire Bruce Wayne's vast fortune
you have to sign the papers or they can't spend a nickel.
What stupid, ugly greed.
'I'm delivering you to the police.'
Start moving!
Moving, at a time like this
when my scheme is working so perfectly?
Look around you, sweet fool.
Oh, sure. You think I'd fall for that old chestnut.
Sleep tight, won't you?
[high bagpipe notes]
[gasping]
Quick, the chauffeur's outside.
- Blow him a lullaby. - Right, Harry, doll.
[dramatic music]
Harry to piano movers.
Get over here and put the old lady
and her chauffeur in the trunk.
Set up the ducks. and stand back.
[dramatic music]
[gunshots]
Too bad. She was a sweet, old lady, in her way.
[dramatic music]
Not just sweet, Harry. One of the bravest women ever born.
We've been tracking you via a secret radio
placed in Mrs. Cooper's handbag.
We rescued her and the chauffeur on the sidewalk.
Now, it's lucky for us
we brought our bullet-proof Bat-shield.
But it's time to end this criminal symphony.
[dramatic music]
[high bagpipe notes]
Poor, deluded females.
'Hey, you, you nasty old man.'
Have a whiff of Bat-gas.
[dramatic music]
[both grunting]
[instrumental music]
Gosh, Batman.
Maybe we don't how to turn this murderous machine off.
It is a thought, Robin. It is not much more than they deserve.
Is there anything more than a lawyer who mocks the law
or an artist who takes up crime?
I'm afraid there is.
A sworn crime fighter who tries to take justice
in his own hands.
With my profoundest admiration, Mrs. Cooper
a Citizen's Special Anti-Crime Award.
Oh!
A person just does what he has to do.
And that's what makes America great, isn't it?
If only there were more like her.
That's enough about silly me.
Where is Mr. Chandell?
A note for you, madam.
The maestro asked me to deliver it to you.
- Oh! - Let me.
[instrumental music]
"Dear sweet Harriet.
"It's better this way.
"I'm not worthy of you.
'"I must leave this morning'
[crying] "on a long, long tour.
"Goodbye.
Yours, Chandell."
A long, long tour?
With the usual time off for good..
...uh, performance, I expect it will last about three years.
¶ Oh if I had the wings
¶ Like an angel
¶ Over these prison walls
¶ I would fly
¶ And I'd fly to the arms
¶ Of my poor darlin'
¶ And there I'd be willin'
¶ To die
Listen, you bulls. I'm busting out of here, see.
And ain't nobody gonna stop me.
[piano music]
(male narrator) Next week, the Penguin waddles again.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman