¶ Batman
(male narrator) A peaceful evening at Wayne Manor.
Inside the stately living room
a musical rehearsal.
Imagine me singing to the piano of the world famous Chandell.
I must've lost my wits.
But you have a voice of a nightingale.
And remember what we're rehearsing for.
The annual benefit of the great Wayne Foundation.
Oh, my, yes.
It's downright selfish of me to be so nervous, isn't it?
Listen for a moment.
I'll toy idly with the keys
and set the mood again.
[piano music]
Such mastery of the keyboard.
It's almost hypnotic.
I can almost smell the highland heather.
Remembered so fondly from my youth.
And I can see the Gordons and the Campbells
coming down the slopes of Loch Lomond to..
[bagpipes music]
- Bless my eyesight. - Oh!
[Scottish accent] A good day to you, lads and lassies.
A very good day to you.
- Hand over your jewelry. - Will you now?
You fiendish figments of the imagination.
What's the meaning of this?
We are ghosts, maestro.
We be called from slumber by your bonnie music.
Aye, it will happen again and again
wherever you perform.
Go away.
I've never heard such a monstrous threat
in all my life.
Hear this then, maestro.
[high pitched bagpipes notes]
- Oh! It's inhuman. - Indeed, madam.
Demonic!
[dramatic music]
Swiftly now, lassies, we've much to do.
The bonnie baubles are in the bag.
Well done, lassies.
Now, let's see what else we can pick up in handsome Wayne manor.
Then it's over the hills and far away.
Oh, maestro. Maestro!
Oh, mercy alive.
Police!
Amazing, an armed assault by female phantoms.
Hah! Almost beyond belief.
And in our house, too.
What on Earth will Bruce and Dick say when they get home?
Get home? Uh, Mr. Wayne is away?
Oh, yes. He's off in the wilds
with the Millionaire's Hunting Club.
And my nephew Dick is on a school holiday.
Maybe a blessing. With any luck we'll have this
outrage wrapped up by the time they return.
Luck spelt "Caped Crusaders."
Oh, what a wonderful idea.
Why didn't I think of them?
Police headquarters.
Uh, switch board. Commissioner Gordon here.
Plug me in at once into the hotline Bat-phone circuit.
[Bat-phone beeping]
I regret to say, sir
Batman and Robin are not, at present, available.
What? Oh, surely you-you must be jesting.
Alas, sir. I am not.
Batman is enjoying one of his infrequent vacations.
Oh..
Catastrophic.
Unprecedented.
Batman and Robin, not available!
You...you know what this means, don't you?
If-if you're thinkin' what I'm afraid you're thinkin'..
Precisely, Chief O'Hara.
The moment we've dreaded for years has arrived.
This time..
...we're going to have to solve a case..
...ourselves.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
Who knew in advance that you would be playing a Scotch theme?
Yes, Mr. Chandell. Who indeed?
Who beside yourself?
Really, gentlemen, I'm dismayed.
This morning's Gotham City Times.
The Society page.
"Among the highlights, will be a medley of Highland Air
"sung by Mrs. Harriet Cooper
to the piano of the incomparable Chandell."
This travesty's gone far enough.
Now, are you going to call Batman
or do I have to call him myself?
On that famous hotline I've read so much about.
Mr. Chandell!
It's useless.
The grim truth is that Batman and Robin are on vacation.
The Dynamic Duo? Out of town?
- How crushing. - Crushin', indeed.
Well, who is going to protect my concert tonight
at Gotham Town Hall?
- Tonight? - Oh.
Now, hear this. Emergency.
Cancel all leaves.
Throw a complete anti-criminal cordon around Gotham Town Hall.
Don't count us out, Mr. Chandell.
The situation is well in hand.
- Good day, sir. - A good day, sir.
But...will it be...a good night?
[dramatic music]
I'm frightened, Chief O'Hara.
An echo haunts my ears.
I'd give me right arm to hear it now.
The noblest, most inspiring words
in the entire English language.
(together) "To the Batmobile, Robin. Let's go!"
(male narrator) Behind the facade of a bankrupt manufacturer of music rolls
for mechanical player pianos
the headquarters of an infamous criminal genius...Chandell.
Seems almost too easy, with Batman and Robin on vacation.
Chandell, love, could it be a trap?
Oh, impossible, my sweets.
You should have seen the dear commissioner's face.
The Dynamic Duo is away, alright.
What a break.
The one every super crook has dreamed of.
They're utterly fooled.
Our clever charade at Wayne Manor
has put me above suspicion.
Gee.
[doorbell chiming]
Oh, that must be your twin brother Harry
at the secret entrance.
Get into your costumes, dearies, I'll let him in.
[piano notes]
Everything set for tonight's caper?
Of course.
Tiny radio transmitter hooked up inside your criminal piano?
Naturally.
It should be a pretty good haul.
I'll take 95% this time.
You fiend.
Blackmailing a genius like myself
into a life of crime.
It's your own fault, Chandell kid.
Using a mechanical player piano at the White House concert.
- Which made you famous. - What else could I do?
I'd hurt my fingers in the piano lid.
Who cares?
If I exposed what you did
the great Chandell is deader than this music roll factory.
Using a player piano.
Fooling the president of the USA
with a roll cut by Paderewski.
Harry, what would it take for me to get out of your power?
Five million bucks. Cash.
- I can get it for you, Harry. - Five million?
- Where? - I have a fantastic plan.
In fact, I've already started.
If it works, I'll have the entire fortune
of the Wayne family.
Chandell, have you flipped your keyboard?
Ask me no more, dear brother.
You'll see.
[indistinct chattering]
What? We have to be fingerprinted
before we enter the auditorium?
How very gauche, if I may say so.
Alright, Hoffman.
Officer, let these people through.
As I scarcely need tell you, Mrs. Cooper
we have grave fears tonight. I'm taking no chance
of a criminal slipping through our dragnet.
Of course. I understand.
But how embarrassing for poor Chandell.
Sorry, it can't be helped.
I'm leaving no stone unturned in our efforts to protect him.
- Have a pleasant evening. - Thank you.
Still, it nags at me.
There's a certain indefinable clumsiness in our procedure.
D minus five seconds.
Curtain going up.
Commissioner Gordon to war machine gunners
stationed in theater boxes, get ready.
At the first sign of criminal activity
make every bullet count.
[applause]
[piano music]
[music continues]
[explosion]
Strange.
Strange? Strange what?
I've been listening to that Chandell concert
from Gotham Town Hall.
Just before the end of "Dance Arab"
he struck a C minor chord
that I'm positive doesn't belong there.
I'm not sure I follow you.
Oh, I don't know just, a simple error.
Do me a favor, chum.
Run out and check the muskrat traps.
Sure thing, Bruce.
[whistling]
Gee, Sal!
Gosh, Dick!
That says everything, doesn't it?
Hmm.
[rock music]
Oh! Me and my lead footed thumbs.
How did I do that?
It's alright. I'll mop it up.
- Are you sure? - Uh-huh.
Oh, don't be upset.
[intense music]
Dick Grayson to Bruce Wayne.
- What's up? - I'm not sure.
What if I said the great Chandell made a mistake
in a C minor chord?
- Holy impossibility! - Precisely, Dick.
Something strange and unusual is going on.
I'm afraid it means the end of our vacations.
- Holy awful luck! - Hmm? Beg your pardon?
Never mind, Bruce.
The fight against crime comes before everything.
- Where do we meet? - Wayne manor.
I fear we haven't a moment to lose.
Good heavens!
The Burma Import Company has just been blasted and robbed.
Saints alive!
While he was playing a Burmese number.
The same dreadful pattern.
The felons were a trio of female phantoms.
Apparently Burmese dancing girls.
Chief O'Hara to all machine gunners.
You can put back on your safety catches.
We've been outfoxed.
Batman.
Batman, where the devil are you, in this hour of need?
[intense music]
(woman on phone) 'Yes?'
Chandell here, my sweets. How did it go?
Like a dream, lover.
Too bad we have to turn over 95 percent to that
chiseling badnik brother of yours.
Don't worry. We'll buy him off forever.
Quite soon. Instructions.
Stake out Wayne Manor and let me know
the moment Bruce Wayne and his young ward return.
A grim tale indeed.
I reproach myself bitterly for having been out of touch.
Oh, I wouldn't do that, sir.
Doubtless your brief excursion into the wilderness
has sharpened your mind.
True, Alfred, and yet..
Where's Mrs. Cooper now?
At her request, sir
I left her at Gotham Town Hall.
She insisted on paying a private visit to the great maestro
in his dressing room.
Gosh! He's quite a famous ladies man, isn't he?
Really, Dick.
I'm afraid some romantic interlude
has fevered your imagination.
Your Aunt Harriet is utterly above reproach.
Gee whizz, I certainly didn't mean that she..
[intense music]
Holy apparition!
[music continues]
Gone. Like wraiths.
Who the heck were they?
Criminal tools, of course.
There's a mystery here.
And I have a strange hunch..
...that Chandell is at the heart of it.
[intense music]
Will the commissioner be at his office now?
Of course. In the phase of this crime wave
'he'll be alertly marshaling all the forces'
'of law and order.'
[Bat-phone beeping]
Yes.
Put any fear as you may have had, commissioner.
We're back in action.
Batman! Batman! The answer to a policeman's prayer.
Thank you, commissioner. Goodnight.
First on the agenda, check on Aunt Harriet.
To the Bat-poles. Let's go.
Barney, call Chandell in his dressing room
at Gotham Town Hall.
Tell him the Dynamic Duo is back in action.
(Barney on phone) 'Yes, sir.'
[intense music]
[tires screeching]
Back in action?
Oh! How reassuring.
Thank you for the information.
What is it, maestro?
Oh, nothing. Just a call from my agent.
Are you enjoying your root beer?
Oh, yes! It's delicious.
May I?
[intense music]
[Aunt Harriet laughing]
Yes, sweet lady.
It has been most delicious.
But I fear this thrilling tete-a-tete
must come to an end for now.
Oh, how thoughtless of me.
Artists like yourself need sleep, don't they?
You put it so well.
Dear Harriet, until tomorrow?
Oh!
What dreams I'll have.
Oh!
I trust you'll have no trouble getting home, my pet.
Oh!
I sent Alfred on ahead.
But there's almost always a cab waiting downstairs.
Until tomorrow.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Oh!
[sighing]
[instrumental music]
Until tomorrow.
[intense music]
[telephone ringing]
Good news, Chandell, kiddo.
Your pal, Mr. Wayne is back.
Bad news.
So are the Caped Crusaders.
- They must be eliminated. - How?
(Chandell) 'Are your nasty piano movers handy?'
Yeah. They're snoozing in the back room.
Awaken them at once.
Do exactly as I say.
There's Aunt Harriet now getting into that cab.
Holy relief! She must be on her way home.
No doubt, Robin. Let's have a word with Chandell. Shall we?
[intense music]
Poor devil!
He's been assaulted with a root beer bottle.
What luck. Here's a bottle of smelling salts.
[coughing]
Heavenly days! Am I dreaming?
No. It's us, in the flesh. Who attacked you?
I've covered for the fiend long enough.
It was my criminal twin brother, Harry.
Holy fratricide!
Any idea where he hangs out?
As a matter of fact, yes.
His lair is an abandoned music roll factory.
20-B, Front Street.
Zip code, 9-9-9-9-9-7-9.
Thank you, Chandell. We'll take care of him.
Come on, Robin.
[instrumental music]
Look, Batman, the felonious phantoms.
Indeed, Robin. From the looks in their eyes
I think they're the victims of some kind of criminal hypnotism.
- Let's interrogate them, huh? - Good thought, Robin.
Perhaps we can learn something.
[instrumental music]
[grunting]
[intense music]
[music continues]
Oh!
[intense music]
Take them to the cutting machine.
[intense music]
Holy piano! What is this?
It's obvious.
We're about to be fed into a machine
designed to perforate paper into player piano rolls.
Farewell, costumed clowns.
And now, exit music for a pair of bats.
You'll come out presently as perforated music rolls.
'The great Chandell could play no more prettily'
than you will.
Goodbye.
[piano music]
Holy sour note!
The dynamic duo, perforated into piano-rolls.
How will this music end?
Tune in tomorrow for the dire, dreadful dirge.
Same Bat-time, Same Bat-channel.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman