¶ Batman
(male narrator) A sunny Wednesday morning in Gotham City.
The sort of Wednesday that makes you wish it were Sunday.
And that Gotham City, City hall is dream of tourists
went their way into see
the curios and trophies on permanent display.
(male #1) And this, ladies and gentlemen
is the original charter of Gotham city.
And due to it's excessive age and delicate condition
(male #1) 'It has been sealed in this guaranteed burglar-proof'
display case which has been
vacuum sealed to protect such a valuable document.
(female #1) 'Oh, god.'
Are you absolutely certain it's burglar-proof?
(male #1) 'Absolutely!'
And now, if you'll step this way, please.
[grenade hissing]
The eggs-pert here has much to learn.
[crowd coughing]
[coughing continues]
No material can resist my incomparable eggs-plosive.
[sizzling explosions]
Now, let us make our eggs-it.
Impossible!
That a criminal could march in and purloin Gotham City's
most priceless possession right under our nostrils.
But why, commissioner? That's what I can't figure out.
Nor can I, O'Hara, nor can I. What did the witnesses say?
Oh, there's no doubt about it. They all agreed on one thing
his description. It was Egghead alright.
The rotten-est egg of them all.
Any suggestions, O'Hara?
Well, it isn't so bad facing thieves, murderers
run of the mill crooks but..
I know it seems to be calling the Caped Crusader pretty often.
There's no other way to handle it.
And in stately Wayne Manor, home of millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his youthful ward Dick Grayson.
[Bat-phone beeping]
If you'll hold the line a moment, sir.
I'll gain his attention for you.
You see, Dick, many years ago Gotham City was founded by
three families who landed on Gotham rock.
The Savages, the Tylers and the Waynes.
Right, the original land was leased from the Mohican Indians
for the price of nine raccoon pelts.
Wow. What a deal that was?
Every five years, the lease has to be renewed. The City Charter
is very specific about honoring that debt.
Tonight is the night to make payment.
So, Pete Savage, Tim Tyler and I
the descendants of the original settlers have to deliver
three raccoon pelts each to Chief Screaming Chicken
in order to fulfil the obligation.
Gosh! Where did you get the pelts?
I had to buy a whole raccoon coat from
a very popular crooner of the 1920s who'd fallen on hard times
had to pay a pretty price for it too.
This ones held up very well for a raccoon.
A matter of great importance has risen, sir.
Your attention would be appreciated.
A contact to be...read.
I'll take care of it immediately, Alfred.
I'll go with you, Bruce.
Honestly, Alfred.
Those two are so busy
I'll wager Batman and Robin don't get around
as much as Bruce and Dick!
I, uh, I rather doubt that, madam.
- Yes, commissioner. - Dire news, Batman.
Egghead is back with a carton full of crime.
We'll be right there.
To the bat-poles.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
[theme music]
Why would he take the trouble to steal the city charter?
Who knows what evil lurks?
He's a tough egg, Batman. The smartest man in the world.
The second smartest man in the world.
Well, present company excepted, of course.
He's assuredly the smartest villain we've ever faced.
Was there any evidence left at the scene of the crime?
None, Boy Wonder, frankly was stumped.
The Gotham City Charter.
What does it say?
Aside from it's constitutional edicts
it's purpose is to act as a treaty between
the Mohican Indians and the founders.
Holy bill of rights! Maybe Egghead wants to start a war
between the Gotham City citizens and the Indians.
I rather doubt it, Robin.
There's only one Indian left
he'd be outnumbered 10 million to one.
I think it has something to do with the leasing conditions.
That probably means that Egghead will make a deal
with Peter Savage, Tim Tyler or Bruce Wayne.
Egghead does not make deals.
Where is Peter Savage now?
Undoubtedly in his home, here in Gotham City.
He spends most of his time in Paris, he's something
bon vivant and patron of the arts
but he's always here for the Raccoon Ceremony
and to distribute the pelts.
And I think I know where Tim Tyler is.
Probably out at Tyler's Stadium
watching his team play baseball against the Pets.
And that leaves only Bruce Wayne.
I, uh, wonder where he is.
Unquestionably, out doing something inconsequential
with his youthful ward Dick Grayson.
You know how those millionaire playboys are.
- Let's go, Robin. - Where to?
To the teepee of Screaming Chicken last of the Mohicans.
Meanwhile, behind the doors
of apparently legitimate import firm..
Eggs-cellent, I might even go so far as to say eggs-quisite.
Well, what you got in mind, boss?
It looks like some old piece of paper to me.
That's because you have no foresight, Benedict.
Not everybody is as smart as you are Egghead.
Not anybody is as smart as I am, Foo Yung.
Please, don't talk so fast.
What's she following us for all the time?
I don't like dames on capers.
Fortunately, not everyone thinks like that, Mr. Benedict.
Hi, Eggy-baby.
Please, it's Mr. Egghead before other people not Eggy-baby.
My eggs-ecutive secretary Ms. Bacon is
taking down my every thought.
That way posterity will have on record the working
of the most brilliant criminal mind of all time
if I do say so myself.
You gonna publish a book?
Well, now let us eggs-amine this more carefully, huh?
There must be a loophole in this charter that will enable me
to eggs-tort control of the cit-he-he here it is.
Look at that my rotten eggs.
"Whereas and to it, if the price of nine raccoon pelts is not
"paid to the Mohican representative
"by the descendants of the Savage, Tyler and Wayne families
"and whereas, if it is not paid on time, said land will revert
"back to its original owners
and/or their legal representatives."
Oh, we've got them this time.
We've harped them with their eggs-post-facto down.
What's he talkin' about, Foo?
Search me.
- A little slower, please. - Fine, mm.
My fingers hurt.
Don't you know
who the representative of the Mohicans is?
Oh, you mean that little guy
that's got the blanket concession out on the highway?
Eggs-actly.
Chief Screaming Chicken.
The last of the Mohicans.
[instrumental music]
- How. - What.
- When. - Where.
You, you are only person in Gotham city who know
traditional Mohican greeting.
I've long been a student of your tribal customs
Chief Screaming Chicken.
What you want with Screaming Chicken?
Tonight's the night when you receive payment
on the Gotham City lease renewal.
Me think price too low for Gotham City, nine raccoon pelts.
Cost of living go up and up, me want 12 raccoon pelts.
The contract was for nine.
Indian poor businessman.
My cousin, oh, he sell Manhattan for $24
could have got 35.
Be that as it may, Chief Screaming Chicken
I'm here to make sure that you are at the ceremonies tonight.
It's imperative that you attend.
Absolutely.
Thank you.
Chow, chief.
A magnificent eggs-hibition, Chief Screaming Chicken.
What I have done with you, you will be able to exercise your
most eggs-travagant desires.
If you give me an eggs-clusive lease on Gotham City.
Me no give you lease, not until tonight.
Me honor bound if paid nine raccoon pelt.
- And if not? - Me deal with highest bidder.
But, don't worry, they pay me pelts, they always do
it is tradition.
Ah, but tonight one of those men won't show up
and then the lease will eggs-pire.
You make mighty big talk.
Kemosabe.
Kemosabe?
I thought I heard just about everything.
Yeah, Screaming, what's that mean?
Me no know.
Me hear it once on radio.
Very old word.
[beeping]
It's no use, Robin, not a single new egg company has opened
in Gotham city in the last few weeks.
I can't understand it.
That's as usual modus operandi, eh?
Egghead always has his hide-out associated with some egg outfit.
Obviously, he has changed his way of thinking.
And if that's not enough, he's probably changed the way he..
Huh...well, that's it.
Of course, what kind of company sells
eggs that you can't fry, scramble or boil?
A fish egg company.
Right, Robin.
Let's see what that brings.
[beeping]
Look at this, a new egg firm has just opened on Pointview Street.
The Ghoti Oeufs Caviar Company.
Oeufs means eggs in French, but, I don't get
this other word at all.
The word is 'fish', Robin.
Ghoti is fish?
See here, English phonetics.
G-H, becomes F, as in tough or a laugh.
O becomes I as in women.
T-I becomes S-H, as in ration or the word nation.
Holy semantics, Batman!
You never cease to amaze me.
No time for compliments now, Robin.
We must fort some criminals. To the Batmobile.
Oh you-oh you're making a fine deal Chief Screaming Chicken.
$100 a month for life and all the eggs you can eat.
Me 60 years old now, me needing pension.
You 60? Heh, hope I look that good when I'm 60.
Well, I have great eggs-pectations
for our relationship, chief.
I'll tell you what I'll give you as an added bonus, you may have
the import, eggs-port concession for all
genuine American-Indian blankets made in Japan.
Oh, you are one heck of fine pale face, mm.
Yeah, you no Indian giver?
Oh, no, Eggy-baby never gave an Indian anything.
Well, I for one am eggs-hausted.
It's been a trying and I must rest
my fantastic brain for tonight.
There will be no rest for the wicked today, Egghead.
Boy, you guys have egg on your faces.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
won't be able to put you together again.
Oh, Batman, you're so lyrical.
[intense music]
[grunting]
Well, that's enough eggs-ercise for one day, Batman.
Stop, me give Boy Wonder very short haircut.
You, Chicken, turned chicken.
(Batman) 'Have you joined the enemy camp as well?'
This is an acid egg, Batman.
One move and I'll drop it on Robin's head.
Nobody could be that rotten.
Don't tempt me.
- Ah! - Ow!
You put all your eggs in one basket, Egghead
a fatal mistake.
Prepare yourself for an eggs-peditious defeat.
That's very apt, Robin.
- Huh, glad you liked it. - Well, see how you like this.
What is it, Batman?
I...I don't know.
Whatever it is, it's awfully funny.
- Ha-ha-ha-ha. - Ha-ha-ha-ha.
The yolk's on them, it's laughing gas.
It's about the funniest trick anyone's ever pulled on us.
- Yes. - Ha-ha-ha
He's even funnier than the Joker.
I can't, ha-ha-ha, I can't stop laughing.
And you won't. Not until the gas wears off.
Let's go, boss, before we start laughing too.
An egg-cellent idea.
- Let's go after them. - No-no-no-not now, old chum.
We're not in condition, hold on a second.
Here, here, here, take this.
It's a sad pill to neutralize the laughing gas.
It'll clear our minds.
Well, he may have won the first round..
...but, but, we're going to fight fire with fire.
Robin..
...we'll never beat Egghead with brute strength.
We must, we must out, out-think him.
Fore-misguided-redskin Chief Screaming Chicken
is obviously under Egghead's influence, therefore, it stands
to reason that the lease to Gotham City must be close
to being in Egghead's greedy hands.
How do we stop it from happening?
Egghead must prevent either one or all three of the millionaires
from delivering their pelts in order to break the lease.
- I'll call Tim Tyler and Pete-- - No, I'll do it.
The machine is attuned to Bruce Wayne's voice.
Clandite-5-7-5-8-9, please.
[machine connecting]
Gosh, Batman, I've never seen you use a telephone directory.
How do you remember all those numbers?
Elementary, my dear Robin.
I simply transpose the numbers into letters
for example, Pete Savage's number is the name of a girl
that he and I used to date.
- Holy IT 'n T. - Mm.
(Pete) 'Hello.'
Hello, Pete, Bruce Wayne here, I'm calling to see
whether you'll be attending the anniversary celebration tonight.
It's the Raccoon Ceremony you know?
Certainment, I'll be there.
You're [speaking French], aren't you?
Heh-heh, yes it should be fun.
It's nice to have you back in town, Pete.
Be it ever so humble, there is no place like Gotham City.
- Au revoir, Pete. - Au revoir, mon vier.
Very good, Mr. Savage.
Everything sounds good there, let's try Tim Tyler.
Quenton-6-5-7-0-1, please.
You can't make a word out of that one
because of the one and zero.
Things don't always work out the way we want them to, Robin
When that happens, I depend on my well developed memory.
When was the last time you called that number?
- Yesterday. - Sour, you're wiz, Batman.
[phone ringing] Tim Tyler speaking.
Hello, Tim, this is Bruce Wayne.
Bruce, how are ya?
Are you attending the ceremony tonight?
Wouldn't miss it if it meant my life.
Oh, that's swell.
- See you there. - Right.
You demonstrated un-eggs-pected good sense, Mr. Tyler.
What do you want from me, Egghead, I'm just a poor
major league baseball team owner.
How about season tickets? I love halfbacks.
How eggs-asperating.
Oh, what a beautiful night?
Mercy of life, do we look sharp?
Have a good time, boys, and don't stay out too long.
Do you know how I worry?
I wonder where our official escort is.
Dick, do you have the pelts?
Here they are, but I doubt if Chief Screaming Chicken
will be there to claim them
not after all he has done.
Still, we must live up to our part of the bargain
and deliver nine pelts before midnight.
I'll never understand why Chief Screaming Chicken
decided to put in with Egghead.
He told me once that he worked for a while as a bottle-washer.
He had an argument with the boss
who told him to go back to his own country.
- But, this is his country. - Ha ha ha.
Exactly.
Any wonder why Chief Screaming Chicken is dissatisfied?
Your escort, sir.
Oh, thank you, Alfred.
- So, they got you too. - What do you mean?
This is a trap, Bruce, Egghead is driving this Limousine.
And we walked right into it.
We can always get out.
There's no handle on this door.
(Egghead) 'That's correct.'
So, get ready for an eggs-otic eggs-perience.
[coughing]
There are several reasons why I called this meeting, gentlemen.
Aside from the obvious why the keeping you all
from the anniversary ceremony when Chief Screaming Chicken
appears to collect his raccoon pelts. It has occurred to me
that one of you is Batman.
How exciting.
Yes, you see this fiendish machine?
Well, it's one of my own inventions.
(Egghead) 'For a lack of another name for it, I call it'
'an electro-thought transfer.'
It sucks every shred of information from the mind
of the person sitting under that apparatus
and places it in the brain of the one under this one.
- How ugly. - How disgusting.
How eggs-hilerating.
Long ago, my superior intellect deduced that Batman must be
a person who was a millionaire and didn't have to work
because crime-fighting is such an eggs-pensive hobby.
Which one is it, Eggy-baby, hmm?
Oh, please, please, Ms. Bacon.
All of you are approximately the right age, in your early 30s
but, I've eliminated you, Mr. Tyler because you are
left-handed, now the caped crusader is not a port-sider
and you, Mr. Savage are out because of your accent.
So, aside from a couple of ageing "Rock 'n' Roll" singers
you, Mr. Wayne are the only Gotham City millionaire
who is athletically inclined with eggs-cessive agility
therefore, you must be Batman.
You realize this is all waste of time.
Not at all, Mr. Wayne.
My machine has a rather eggs-centric
and ugly side-effect
(Egghead) 'In removing all the knowledge from your brain'
it will leave you an empty-headed fart.
And there's no use struggling, Mr. Wayne, you're being held
there by an electromagnetic force.
I'm leaving. Things like this give me a headache.
Alright, Benedict, turn on the machine.
It will take a moment or two to warm up.
Then we shall see if my eggs-ceptional logistics
are correct, but even if I'm wrong about your being Batman
Mr. Wayne, your brain will be utterly destroyed.
How diabolical!
How inhuman
How eggs-cruciating!
Will the world's greatest criminal mind
eggs-tract the true identity of Batman?
The eggs-planation to these and other electric questions
tomorrow!
Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman