¶ Batman
(male narrator) Another dazzling day in Gotham City.
A metropolis which finds itself on family fidelity
paternal devotion and most particularly
it's "Annual Mother of the Year Presentation".
And so..
It gives me a great deal of pleasure
to present the winner of this year's
"Mother of the Year Award".
Such a dear little lady.
[crowd cheering]
Won't you say a few words, "Mother of The Year"?
Why, Mrs. Chairlady, I'd be happy to say a few words.
Stick 'em up!
[crowd screaming]
Calm down, calm down ladies
I wanna introduce my boys.
Pretty Boy
Machine Gun
and Mad Dog.
- And now ladies-- - Ma!
Oh yeah, my fourth child, a girl, Legs.
(together) - Oh. - Oh.
Alright, boys, let's relieve these ladies
of a few extra pounds.
[women screaming]
Thanks for letting me come along, Ma.
I dunno whether I should've.
Girls just don't belong in crime.
Ma, I'll prove myself.
Hand it over, fat lady.
I'm not fat.
[crowd screaming]
Earrings, get the ring, the money, the money in the purse.
Go on, both.
This is bad news Chief O'Hara.
Ma Parker and her boys in Gotham City.
Bad news commissioner, it's disaster.
They've terrorized almost every city in the country
but they've never operated in our fair metropolis before.
You know there's been a special reason for that, chief?
Yes, sir, we've got the finest
law enforcement organization there is.
Chief O'Hara, let's give credit where credit is due, shall we?
- I just did. - I mean Batman and Robin.
They're the ones who she has always feared.
And you don't think she's frightened of them anymore?
I wouldn't venture to guess.
But I do know it'll take the Dynamic Duo to end her career
once and for all.
[phone beeping]
[intense music]
I'll call him, sir.
Gosh, Bruce, Greek is still Greek to me.
It's Greek to a lot of Greeks too.
It's one of the world's oldest, most important
most beautiful languages.
It may be, Aunt Harriet
but can't we work out in the gym for a while?
But the mind needs exercise too, dear.
Well, my mind is getting muscle-bound.
That reminds me of an old saying, Dick
Sound mind
and a sound body
a worthy goal.
Now, what do you wanna do first, pars, conjugate or decline?
Decline.
It's the Bat-phone, sir.
Yes, uh, it just occurred to me, Dick
Commissioner Gordon is a Greek scholar of note.
He may be able to tell us more than books and blackboards.
- I'd like to talk to him. - Excuse us, Aunt Harriet.
You know..
...Bruce comes up with such bright ideas.
Indeed, madam, yeah.
Yes, commissioner.
Batman, a crisis.
The infamous Ma Parker has invaded our fair city.
We're on our way.
To the Bat-poles.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
Why?
This criminal record is incredible.
How, gentleman? How has Ma Parker remained at large?
She's crafty, Batman, she's clever.
But most of all, she's motherly.
You mean, toward her four sons?
(Commissioner) 'Three sons and a daughter, Batman.'
The girl, if anything is even more dangerous than the boys.
Although, Ma Parker only likes boys.
In fact, she calls every hoodlum her boy.
She's the greatest mother of them all.
Surely.
A woman with her maternal instinct can't be all bad.
Don't let false sentiment trap you, Batman.
Ma Parker may also be the greatest menace of your career.
Holy rocking chair.
[phone ringing]
Gordon speaking.
What?
Yes, fine.
The police have surrounded their hideout on Cherry Blossom road.
(Commissioner) 'Ma Parker and her family are inside.'
Come on, Robin.
Let's help a little old lady across the street..
...and into the penitentiary.
[intense music]
Alright now, Parker, we know you're in there.
(Officer) 'We've got the house surrounded.'
Hey, ma, did you hear that?
You eat your vegetables, Machine Gun
or you ain't gonna get no dessert.
Oh, ma, I hate carrots.
They're good for your eyes, eat 'em, help you shoot straight.
Hey, Mad Dog that's my grapefruit.
You want it, take it.
(Ma Parker) 'Stop the horse-play, you two.'
Ma Parker, you haven't got a chance.
Surrender or we're coming after you.
Ma, you think they really mean it?
You just eat your supper, boys, I'll take care of them.
We haven't got a chance.
We have if we stand in the direct line of fire.
Ma Parker and the boys are known as the worst shots in country.
Yeah, maybe.
Here come the Caped Crusaders.
Well, well, guess who's paying us a social call
Batman and Robin.
(Ma Parker) 'Just like I hoped.'
Nincompoops, how many times do I have to tell you
Batman and Robin can't hurt us, they're going to help us.
Oh, gee, that's right.
- I almost forgot. - Good ol' ma.
You mean good ol' Dynamic Duo?
It's no use, Batman,
Ma Parker has an arsenal in there.
It would take an army to get her out.
Holy gunpowder, Batman. What can we do?
Remember, Robin, they say an army travels on it's stomach.
I get it, Batman, we call her on the roof.
Robin, this time it won't be necessary to use Bat-ropes.
What's happening, ma?
Batman and Robin are climbing up the side of the house.
Well, where are they now, ma?
Well, they're climbing along the drain pipe.
Well, that was some meal, ma.
Oh, they reached the window.
Hey, ma, what's for dessert?
Apple pie.
(Ma Parker) 'Oh, they're coming through it.'
Sure are.
Batman, look out for Ma Parker.
The Bat-magnet should do the trick.
Legs, clear the table. Go get 'em, boys.
My babies.
My boys, my poor boys.
What have you done to them, Batman?
Sorry, Ma Parker, violence begets violence.
Oh, Pretty Boy, you're bleeding, you're bleeding,
It's only ketchup, a bottle fell on him.
Oh, Batman, please, please don't hurt my boys.
The law will see to their punishment, not I.
But, Batman, I'm only a poor mother, all alone.
Trying to raise my little broods the best I know how.
I didn't mean any harm.
I'm sure the law will deal with you mercifully, Ma.
Thank you, Batman, I always knew that you had a heart.
Look, Batman and Robin have captured her.
Oh, don't shoot officers, don't shoot this old grey head.
Why, she looks like my own mother.
I never meant to harm anybody.
I'm just a poor mother trying to get along.
Take that, you sentimental fools.
Holy hairdo, she's got a smoke bomb.
Come on, children, come on.
Batman, they're getting away.
Not if I can help it.
One down, four to go, Robin.
There they go.
- Let's go after them, Batman. - It's no use.
We couldn't even find the Batmobile in this smoke.
We got one of their gang.
We would've had them all if I hadn't let my emotions astray.
But, mark my word, I won't rest until Ma Parker
and her brood are in Gotham State Penitentiary.
Neither will ma, Batman.
Just programed the Crime Computer, Robin.
It contains all the information
about Ma Parker and her activities.
Holy forecast, Batman.
Can it really tell us where she'll strike next?
Criminals invariably, follow a pattern, Robin.
Remember Archer and the way he worked?
I've designed this computer
to trace that pattern electronically.
You think of everything.
When fighting crime, even the most minute detail
must not be ignored.
Ah, there's the answer.
The Crime Computer points out that Ma Parker has been
robbing wealthy society gatherings.
In box office at the horse show.
The Flower Guild Tea Dance.
A wedding reception at the Gotham Plaza hotel..
That may be interesting and very valuable
but how can we tell where she's gonna strike next?
My everyday role as Bruce Wayne, I've received many invitations.
Today's social calendar includes the..
...monthly meeting of the Gotham Breakfast Club.
That's a little early even for Ma Parker.
(Batman) 'There's the mayor's luncheon for that visiting prince'
'but that's too heavily guarded.'
And there was this special society gathering.
A benefit at the Bijoux theatre this afternoon.
It's been well publicized.
Now, that event may attract a wealthier crowd.
Bingo, may be we better catch that matinee.
Yes, Robin, we're off to the movies.
[gunfire]
Great work, boys, that was a four star performance.
Look, ma.
Let's get out of here.
Sonny, would you give a poor old lady a lift?
Beat it, granny.
Is that a way to talk to your elders?
Sorry, ma'am.
I got a slight headache.
So now, I wanna pick up a pill.
Get in the back kids.
Okay, Caped Crusader, you got me.
Alright, let's see what's in that case,
- A violin. - Yeah.
Ma wants me to take lessons.
You'll get plenty of time to practice in the penitentiary.
Everything's going great, ma, just like you planned.
I told you to wear a sweater in the air conditioned theater.
- Now you're catching cold. - Yeah, I'm okay, ma.
That reminds me, I gotta send Pretty Boy's long underwear
and some of my special nutty cookies, huh?
I hear the food's good in the pan, ma.
Well, we're soon gonna find out, huh?
We've scoured the city, Batman, no sign of that truck.
There's one more place we might try, Robin.
Remember what Ma Parker said before she got away?
- About a slight headache. - She went to a drug store?
Perhaps, but not for a headache tablet.
May I suggest you lock your car, sir
the local police are asking all Gotham City-ites to co-operate.
You might place this sticker on your bumper.
Alright, folks, just keep filling up the jars
for a worthy cause.
Come on, come on.
This is disgraceful
Why should I give you my money?
Because we give you trading stamps, dearie.
Come on, hand it over,
Looks like almost three grand, ma.
Well, well, you good for somethin' even if you're a girl.
Aw, ain't you glad ma made you study arithmetic?
I always said, there's no substitute for good education.
Speakin' of arithmetic, ma, look, one and one makes two.
Her aim's not too good at the target's moving.
Let's keep it moving.
Look out, Batman.
Holy greeting cards, he's out cold.
You saved us, Batman.
Yes, but where is Ma Parker?
She got away while you were catching that one.
Thank you, Batman. Thank you, Robin.
At least, we're taking her boys out of action.
Yes, but remember what Commissioner Gordon said
Ma Parker's girl is more dangerous than her three boys.
Her legs sort of reminded me of Catwoman's.
You're growing up, Robin.
Remember, in crime fighting always keep your sights raised.
I don't like admitting this, Robin
but even the Crime Computer can't tell us
where Ma Parker's hideout is.
This is mechanized age, it's a wonder that more machines
could just get as tired as people.
I mean they have a goof or two coming.
But she has to be some place.
And some place in Gotham City
where she can more or less, melt into the background.
Holy camouflage.
Exactly, now, where would an old lady go?
These days, just about anywhere.
Look at aunt Harriet, the way she gets around.
But Ma Parker is different.
I suspect she'd be at this point making a conventional
and an orthodox move.
An old people's home is conventional and orthodox
but, it's only for old people.
You're not only growing up, Robin, but you just proved
that the human brain is the best thinking machine ever devised.
Gosh, maybe those Greek lessons are helping after all.
And what could be more orthodox
than the Gotham City Old Folks' home on the outskirts?
I know it's a needle in a haystack.
It's a leap in the dark.
Well, we've leaped before, Batman.
Let's go.
It's a picture of Ma Parker, have you seen her?
Why, she looks just like Mrs. Smith.
(Robin) 'Then we found her.'
But, it couldn't be, Mrs. Smith is benevolent.
I'm sure she's not the one you want.
Would you point her out, please?
Why, yes, she should be coming down the quarter right now.
It sure is nice and quiet here, isn't it, ma?
So relaxed and pretty.
I don't think it's so relaxed and pretty, look.
- Look! - It's Batman and Robin.
- I surrender. - Not yet, what a nincompoop?
I knew I should never trust a girl.
- Ma.. - How many times I've to say it?
We can't make it look too easy.
Holy Wunder Van Braun! Look at that wheelchair go!
How'll she get it through the wall?
She didn't.
Alright, alright, Batman, I give up.
I knew it was a mistake ever to come to Gotham City.
You're old enough to know that crime doesn't pay.
Oh, you're a very bright boy, sonny and also a very good boy.
You sure, all this is runnin' around is good for you?
And you think you get plenty of rest and nourishment, huh?
Let's go, Ma Parker.
I can't help thinking that something's wrong.
Some time later, at Gotham State Penitentiary
Congratulations, Batman and Robin, once again
you've put vicious criminals where they belong.
The real work is only beginning, commissioner.
The work of rehabilitation, isn't that right, warden?
I'm glad you see it that way, Batman.
You see, Ma Parker, boys, you too miss.
'Our job at Gotham State Penitentiary'
'isn't to punish you it's to help you'
'become useful citizens again.'
'To make you understand that crime really doesn't pay'
Oh.
Not in Gotham City anyway, thanks to the Dynamic Duo.
Why, half this prison is filled with crooks they've caught.
That's right, the most notorious, the most clever
'criminals in the world are right here.'
'But, even if they were to escape, we know that Batman'
and Robin would bring them right back.
We'd better be going, warden.
Well, thank you again, Batman
Robin, you've made me proud of my profession.
Warden.
Alright, guards, take them to their cells.
You hear me, I said take Ma Parker and children back
to the cell block.
What's the matter with you?
What's going on around here?
I'll tell you what's going around here
We're taking over your prison, ha-ha.
What?
I've been planning this for months
one by one I've been substituting
members of my gang for your guards
and now the prison belongs to us.
Why, this is incredible. I don't believe you.
Guards, help, guards.
It's no use, warden.
So you wanted Batman and Robin to capture you.
Sure thing. Why, warden we're going to use
Gotham State Pen for our own purposes.
You said you got some of the smartest crooks in the country
right here and now we got you here too.
You can't prevail. Not with Batman and Robin around.
What are you planning?
Why, warden, it's already planned.
One of your trustees is taking care of Batman right now.
I was just looking at your great Batmobile engine, Batman.
It does the job.
Warden says his car won't do more than 70 on the road
bet you could do a hundred.
That's right, warden, when the speedometer hits 60
the Batmobile blows up.
[intense music]
Ha ha ha ha.
[music continues]
(male narrator) Ma Parker ruling the pen!
Dynamite in the engine.
Will the Batmobile be blasted?
Will the Boy Wonder be bombed?
Will Batman be blown to bits?
It can't be true!
Or can it?
Don't miss the next Bat-episode.
Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman