¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
11 o'clock in Gotham City and all is well.
Or is it?
Criminals prefer plying their trade under the cloak darkness.
And tonight is no exception.
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
Meow. Meow.
A catalogue taken from a department store.
A catamaran taken from the Nautical Society.
Three mittens taken from a fancy apartment.
Hah!
What, what does all that spell of to you, O'Hara?
T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
Trouble! The princess of plunder.
- Catwoman. - Oh!
The saints preserve us.
When facing an adversary like the countess of criminality
there's only one man who can deal with..
...and eventually over come that threat to our security.
[dramatic music]
Meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor
home of Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson
astronomical events are taking place.
Remember, Dick, don't look directly into the sun.
It may cause damage to the retina of the eye.
Right, Bruce.
Gosh! Isn't it exciting about the eclipse tomorrow?
I understand a few countries are sending geophysical teams
to observe the phenomenon.
Ahem. Uh, sir.
Hmm.
It's the Bat-phone.
[dramatic music]
- Yes, commissioner. - 'Batman.'
We have every reason to believe that Catwoman is alive.
And living in Gotham City.
We'll be right there, commissioner.
Catwoman has returned to besmirch the name
of our fair metropolis.
To the Bat-poles.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[tires screeching]
[theme music]
[instrumental music]
And the three mittens came from the 10th floor apartment
of Andrew S. Kitten.
Uh. Parent of triplets.
Gotham City's Father of the Year.
Right. But there's one significant fact
these crimes have. All three are cat oriented.
But does it all mean?
It means, Chief O'Hara, that Catwoman
has something big up her paw.
However, this is only a portent of crimes to come.
The marchioness of misdemeanors is a wily opponent.
What'll we do?
You'd set a thief to catch a thief.
You'd set some cheese to catch a mouse.
To catch this breed of cat, you'd set..
- A bird. - Correct, Robin.
- And what kind of bird? - A canary.
You've done it again, old chum.
I hope it works, Batman.
She's a pretty hip cat.
No matter how cunning and crafty they are, Chief O'Hara
eventually all criminals commit the same error, over confidence.
Let's go, Robin.
[dramatic music]
O'Hara..
...I've grown to realize that there are two basics in life
we can be sure of.
Death and taxes, sir?
Batman and Robin.
This woman is right and clever.
No matter how much she's involved
in her treacherous schemes
she must keep in touch with reality.
A false newspaper story.
A few weeks ago, I met the man who writes
the most widely read gossip column in the country.
Jack O'Shea, in the Gotham City Times.
Right. A straight news plant might be too conspicuous, but..
...a small blurb in his column might do the trick.
Is he worthy of our trust?
That's hard to determine, Robin.
He's a bit too theatrical for me.
But we must make every effort to bring Catwoman to justice.
Are you gonna call him at his newspaper office?
This Jack O'Shea is rather unique.
His office is the third phone booth in Glob's Drugstore.
We should have the number in Bat-index.
[ringing]
[dialer rattling]
Yeah, ring me tomorrow, Fred.
[phone ringing]
Harry.
Pupssie, make me a corn beef on rye, heavy on the mayo.
Two glasses, buttermilk.
I heard that.
Mr. O'Shea, this is Batman.
Yea.. Who?
'We met several weeks ago at the newspaper.'
You're putting me on.
I wonder, could you do me a favor?
Now, come on. Who is this really?
Hubble? Leonard?
This is really Batman.
Probably an out of work actor.
Say, what can I do for you, Batman, baby.
Need a little free publicity?
I'd like you to place an item in your column
about a rare species of canary
that's being exhibited on the 12th floor
of the Gotham City Natural History Museum.
Oh, anything you say, Caped Crusader.
Always glad to aid the Hooded Avenger.
I appreciate that.
Why don't we lunch together sometime, what do you say?
Perhaps. Goodbye.
See you around.
[dramatic music]
You are the creme de la creme of Gotham City's cat burglars.
So why did we have to waste our time with those dumb robberies?
[hissing]
Never question my motives.
Suffice it to say that 12 men applied for this job.
All the others washed out when they were caught by the law.
You proved your metal when you escaped unscathed.
I'm in the process of selecting cat burglars
for the greatest caper... in crimedom's history.
So, what is it, already?
In due time.
[dramatic music]
[beeping]
Speak.
'Catwoman, sweetheart.'
What's shaking, baby?
Watch your language, knave.
Remember I'm a lady.
Yeah. Right.
I've got some news that'll raise the fur on your back.
Batman has arranged a trap.
There's a rare canary on the 12th floor
of the Gotham City Natural History Museum.
'I guess he figured you'd want to, uh, steal it.'
[purring] Oh, my, is that so?
Good going, my perfidious princemen.
Keep in touch.
Yeah.
Why don't we get together and share a saucer of milk sometime?
Don't be ridiculous.
It would ravage my reputation if I was seen with you.
Nobody wants to eat with me.
Now..
[whip cracking]
...pay attention.
(Catwoman) It's time for your lesson in window jimmying.
After this, we'll have a short recess
and discuss Batman and Robin's upcoming funeral.
Are those the Bat-jets you told me about?
Yes, Robin. Each one contains enough compressed Bat-tion
to lift a 5000 pound automobile
more than 500 miles in the air.
We haven't tested them yet.
But we may have to use them eventually.
Batman, you think of everything.
Remember the boy scouts motto?
"Be prepared."
It would do well to keep that in mind always.
I took the liberty, sir, of preparing you both a snack.
How thoughtful of you. But we must be gone.
Crime waits for no one.
Surely, sir, you'll take some nourishment.
It's not conducive to good health
to fight the forces of evil without proper supplies.
Thus, as they say
" An army travels on its stomach."
Indeed, sir. Um, I anticipated your haste.
I provided this sack.
Oh!
It's always been my motto. "Be prepared."
Truer words were never spoken.
(Alfred) 'And if I may say so, sir, where are you off to?'
The Gotham City Natural History Museum.
And we must get there pronto.
- Before Catwoman. - Yes.
[intense music]
[tires screeching]
[intense music]
If my calculations are correct..
They usually are.
...someone should be coming through that window
within the next six seconds.
Six, five, four..
You were right!
[intense music]
Don't make a move, you light finger larcenist.
Consider yourself apprehended.
Now, wait a second, Batman and Robin.
Is that fair? Two against one?
You're big, important crime fighters.
And I'm just a lowly cat burgler.
Trying to eke out a living in this dog-eat-dog world.
I'd hoped the Catwoman herself
might materialize here tonight.
If you just look behind you, you'll see that she did.
Holy cliche!
Does he expect us to fall for that?
Ah, my tenacious teenager, you have a lot to learn.
You witch!
Batman, with all your many attributes
you haven't learned the first thing about good manners.
A gentleman would kiss a lady's hand.
You are not a lady. You are a..
Shh! Curb your tongue, Batman.
I cannot tolerate a man with no breeding.
Alright, cats, get them.
[intense music]
[music continues]
Enough. Enough!
Cease this fiddle-dee-dee.
Are you ready to capitulate?
Heavens forbid.
I just don't see the reason for any further violence.
Especially since... my side is losing.
Holy weaponry!
Look what she's got in her paws.
(Catwoman) 'I've got you covered with my Cat-darts.'
They've been dipped in catatonic
just enough to paralyze you for a minute or so.
- Holy D'artagnan! - You've made your point.
What is she going to do with us?
You can be sure her intentions are not honorable.
I'm gonna throw you out that window.
12 floors straight down.
I hope you enjoy your flight.
Do the deed, my devils, and be quick about it.
(Catwoman) 'I hate long goodbyes.'
[intense music]
I don't believe it. What rotten luck.
[intense music]
Put on your cat-chutes, let's get out.
The fuzz will be settling on our tails.
Lucky we had Captain Ahab
of the White Whaling Company put up these fish nets.
To catch the canary in case she tossed it out of the window.
These nets sure saved out lives.
Not luck, Robin. We were prepared.
But it is true. Some days, one is luckier than others.
[knocking on window]
I really hate to do this.
This may give the caretaker quite a shock.
[knocking on window]
"Gotham City's much beloved crime busters
"blew the duke last night
"when they allowed the viscountess of venality
"to escape their bumbling efforts.
"Now the question is
"have the dynamic caped crusaders
fallen on their masks?"
What a scathing denunciation!
Why would O'Shea be so vitriolic?
Here's the one spalpeen we caught last night
after the others got away.
- He's all yours, Batman. - Thank you, Chief O'Hara.
You might as well spill it.
You can kick me, hit me and stomp me.
But I'll never talk.
Alright, I'll talk.
- Where is Catwoman's lair? - 'I don't know.'
They pick me up at my swank one room apartment
blindfold me, then take me to a place.
Any clues as to where it is?
All I know is I heard rock and roll music in the background
whenever I go to one of her lectures.
Lessons in larceny.
How despicable.
And I used to hear people marching
on the floor above my head
with a bunch of cats meowing whenever the music stopped.
Oh, yeah. One other thing.
Whatever her caper is, she plans it for tonight.
Very well. Take him away, Chief O'Hara.
It's 10 AM. If we're to figure out her plot
we better shake a boot. Let's go.
[instrumental music]
Come on, Alfred. It's easy.
Don't be an old fuddy duddy.
I'm afraid my dancing days ended with the Lambeth Walk, madam.
Doctor's orders, you know.
Uh, war injury.
[indistinct]
Oh, boy! I like rock and roll music as much as
the next red blooded average American teenager.
But this stuff is awful.
It's the latest dance.
They call it the "Catusy".
By "Benedict Donald and The Traitors".
It started a couple of weeks ago
at a new restaurant on the west side
called the "Pink Sandbox".
[instrumenal music]
[music continues]
What are your specialties?
Cat-burgers with Catsup.
Chicken Cat-ciatore.
And various cuts of meats from choice Kansas City cattle.
If you'll come back, we'll give you our orders.
Alright.
Holy epicure!
Using this restaurant as a cover.
Oh, she's smart, alright.
This time, we'll turn the tables on her.
[intense music]
You were right, Robin. This must be the place.
(Catwoman) 'The early cat catches the Batman.'
Don't bother, Batman.
This glass is shatter proof, bulletproof and bat proof.
- What are we gonna do, Batman? - 'What are you gonna do?'
You're gonna die.
I'm just not pussy footing around this time, Batman.
You can't frighten us with any of your threats
you feline sorceress.
Take heed, we shall overcome your Satanic schemes.
If we weren't as helpless insides of the law, Batman
I could go for you, in a small way.
You're about the only man I've met lately
(Catwoman) 'who'd be worthy of me.'
Holy lovebirds! I think she's sweet on you, Batman.
(Catwoman) 'The Joker called for a date last Monday.'
He's fairly attractive.
But I can't stand his green hair.
And the Penguin's too small for me.
You're problem is, you've been running around with a bad crowd.
Enough of this moralizing, Batman.
Nobody likes a preaching crime fighter.
Batman and Robin, your time is come.
Prepare thyselves for the hotfoot to end all hotfeet.
Charlie, switch it on.
[instrumental music]
Look at 'em dance, boys.
It's amazing how two such athletic human beings
could be so ungainly.
[music continues]
We've gotta cool this floor down
or our feet will be severally burnt.
Holy bunions!
Look, there's a water pipe.
Aah!
[whirring]
Little do they know, that pipe contains liquid Catatonia.
Fumes will drive them batty and knock them temporarily out.
[laughing deviously]
[music continues]
[intense music]
Good luck, my birdies.
I wouldn't want you to make your exits
without knowing exactly how it's to be done.
You hateful hussy.
The reflectors have been greased with margarine
to make you all the more..
[slurping]
'fry-able.'
Holy olio!
I didn't know you could yodel.
Have you no semblance of decency?
Not a shred.
Thomas, Charles.
Bring over the piece de resistance.
[intense music]
Hot enough for you, Batman?
'You two guys are really hot stuff.'
(Catwoman) 'Two minutes under this blistering heat'
'and you'll be very well done, indeed.'
It's too bad it had to end now, guys.
But look at it this way, you'll have starred a new show.
- What's that? - "Bat On A Hot Tin Roof".
Meow!
That's not a bit funny.
Well! You never did have much of a sense of humor, anyhow.
Farewell. Farewell.
I must depart
and muster my forces for the final assault on Mount Gotham.
At most, you have a few scant minutes
before you either choke to death
or get one of the worst cases of sunburn in history.
[intense music]
Is their goose really cooked?
Will Batman and Robin stew in their own juice?
Are all their plans and dreams to go up in smoke?
The answer to these and other
burning questions tomorrow.
Same Cat-time.
Same Cat-channel.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na
¶ Batman