¶ Batman
We have already seen stately Wayne manor
loses by the Archer and his merry marksmen.
He robeth from the rich and giveth to the poor's.
Batman and Robin called in to investigate
Bruce and Dick's loss.
Allan A. Dale questions their efficiency.
And how right he is!
The villains take off.
And the Dynamic Duo make a new friend.
And meet a pretty wench.
But whose side is she on?
The rich get poorer.
And the poor get richer.
Batman and Robin on the job.
But Archer is released on bail.
And where has he gone?
That is the question!
Which Alfred may help answer.
But it's all for nought.
Alfred subjected to the unkindest cut of all.
Its legerdemain and Batman knew it all the time.
Batman and Robin stay doubt.
The Archer plans to run them through with lances.
Those of faint heart, look away
the most petrifying proceedings have not yet come to pass.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
[horses galloping]
There's no way out, Batman.
It's always darkest before the dawn, Robin.
And since we're at the very bottom
there's no place to going up.
The Bat-springs, now.
We've got your number, Archer.
Impossible, my dear sheriff of Gothingham
My number's unlisted.
Marilyn, push the cheer button.
[cheering]
[shattering]
(Archer) 'It's broken.'
Thou had destroyed my audience.
Thou smashed my ego making machine a sunder
and rendered me helpless.
Come on.
- Let's go after them, Batman. - No, Robin.
By the time we reach the Batmobile
they'll have disappear.
- But, Batman-- - It's alright.
We'll nab them, Robin
Now, let's free Alfred.
[intense music]
[Batman clears throat]
Hmm.
I like that cape, Batman.
Very chic.
Wash and wear?
We are not here to discuss my wardrobe, Mr. Dale.
As administrative head of the Wayne Foundation
one could presume that
you've been in charge of the money from the beginning.
We checked with Bruce Wayne.
And he doesn't know a thing about it.
He doesn't know that I'm in charge
of the foundation's money? Of course, he does!
He a rather dull chap, but he's not that stupid.
Well.
What about it?
The 10 million dollars?
Did Mr. Wayne send you here to ask me that question?
Every large foundation has it's secrets.
And employee's trusted to keep those secrets.
Understandably Mr. Wayne is concerned
about the handling of such a large sum.
And the problem of its reaching each
of the one hundred thousand Gotham cityites
to which it's a sign.
That'll be no problem.
Confidentially, it's coming in directly
from the government printing plant at the mint.
And a very reputable firm is delivering it to me, personally.
- When? - Where?
Oh, calm, Batman. Surely, you can't expect me to reveal
about his obviously such secret information
and certainly not without
a letter of approval from Mr. Wayne.
Or another of the trustees.
- Is the money in cash? - Yes, Boy wonder.
Ten million dollars in crisp new one hundred dollar bills.
Do you realize, sir, what might happen
if any criminal got wind of this?
Hmm, you misjudge
the foundation's security measures, Batman.
Now if there's anything else?
No, that's...all, Mr. Dale.
Good day.
Well!
As I said, he came to the Wayne Foundation highly recommended.
Fair's fair, Robin.
No man's honesty should be suspected
without good and clear cause.
Of course, Batman!
I really gotta hand it to you, Archer.
Hiding us out here
in the basement of the police headquarters
really was a great idea.
Oh, Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn
Wouldst that thou couldst learn to speak proper English?
We couldst make such beautiful speeches together.
Oh, come off it, Archer.
Everybody knows we come from the same neighborhood.
Be though silent, wench.
Loose lips sink ships.
Ships.
Wait a minute!
Ships, ships!
Not a bad idea.
I placed our horses in the stable
with the sheriff's horses.
So we garner the benefit of free lodgings for our steeds to boot.
Good, good.
Thou correctly determined the last place
the police would look for was under their red vein noses.
And thou was right.
I am seldom wrong.
Cut!
[knocking on door]
Get on with it.
Who goest there?
Speaketh now or forever more hold thy tongue.
Hi, everybody.
(Archer) 'Salutations, Allan A. Dale.'
What says thou?
Just this.
Batman and the Boy wonder
they have a bit of a sticky wicket plan for you.
Sticky wicket?
Though speaketh in a unique vernacular.
I speak of, as we say on Madison Avenue
about our gentlemen's agreement, Archer.
I was to alert you to the location of the money.
And you were to cut me in.
Try that on precise.
It fitteth.
- Pray continue. - Mmm.
Well.
My latest survey tells me that
the armored car..
[intense music]
[explosion]
I don't like it.
There's nobody on the street. Who could be firing at us?
(Big John) 'You're brilliant. You're brilliant!'
Excellent, me liege.
Just a little device I build in my spare time
at the prison machine shop.
So alright, already.
You're gonna break your arm pattin' yourself on that back.
I'll deal with you anon.
Alright.
Calculate the trajectory, my fusiliers.
Yes, my liege.
Draw!
(Archer) One, two, three!
[hissing]
[intense music]
[car revving]
- Somebody stealing the money. - I know, I know.
[music continues]
For Pete's sake, whoever it was, didn't take any of the money.
It looks like they jumbled it around.
But they didn't even steal the bag.
Eight hours have passed since that strange turn of events.
And meanwhile, at stately Wayne manor.
Hello.
Bruce, this is Police Commissioner Gordon.
Commissioner, nice to talk to you again.
This is just a reminder call.
You're gonna attend the official ceremony
at the City Hall today.
Today's the day that the Wayne Foundation is giving
its gifts to the Gotham City's needy.
Should be very exciting.
Batman and Robin will also be in attendance
to make certain no incidents occur.
I am sure you'll want to meet them.
Yes, they've been great favorites of mine for years.
I'll see you later, commissioner.
Right.
Aunt Harriet, something's come up that requires my attention.
- Dick's too. - It has?
Immediately.
Excuse us, Aunt Harriet.
[dramatic music]
- Alfred? - What's up, Bruce?
- We got trouble. - Trouble?
Real trouble, right here in Gotham city
but I've got an idea. Alfred, meet us in the Bat-cave.
To the Bat-poles.
Aren't you getting dressed for work?
No, not this time, Robin.
I've to attend an official function as Bruce Wayne
and Batman is supposed to be there too.
How can I be of service, sir?
We're trying to figure out how Batman and Bruce
can be in the same place at the same time.
Not a problem, sir, if I may say so.
There's a solution, Alfred.
You'll have to change your clothes.
- My-My clothes, sir? - Mm-hm.
[intense music]
They-they want a picture now.
I understand you almost lost the money, Mr. Dale.
Yes, but as you can say their efforts were unsuccessful.
But who knows what might've happened
if we had to depend on those two up there.
I pray our deception succeeds, Master Robin.
Just puff up your chest and look real, Alfred.
- Good to see you. - Thank you.
Right.
Oh, I'm glad you could come, Bruce.
Certainly a fine day for the ceremony.
Yes, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
And who is that doing the honor?
Mr. Marshall Roland.
Gotham City commissioner in charge of poor people.
An old fraternity brother of mine GCU.
They are about to start.
My fellow citizens of Gotham City
It is not often a person gets to preside
at such an auspicious occasion.
Due to the gracious generosity of the Wayne Foundation
We're here today to carry on the work of that fine organization.
Hear, hear.
[audience applauding]
I do so wish he'd get on with it.
Sounds as if he's electioneering for governor.
He's already been governor.
Old habits are hard to break.
And now, we will present the money
in reverse alphabetical order.
Will Mr. Zoltan Zorba, please step forward?
That's great. Go ahead.
- Go on, go on. - Get up there.
[crowd cheering]
Looks like it's going smoothly, Alfred.
[intense music]
Hey, what're you trying to pull here?
This bill is counterfeit.
They're trying to hoodwink us.
What kind of phony deal you're trying to pull?
Friends, this is a fraud. They're trying to take us in.
It's counterfeit money.
They say there's something rotten in Denmark.
Something's rotten in Gotham and it's right here.
Phony money.
So The Archer's struck even before the fact.
I better call Batman.
An excellent idea, commissioner.
But I've gotta call the office and see
if the insurance covers this loss.
I quiet understand, Mr. Wayne.
Chief, let me have that.
Batman, Boy wonder
Please come down. We need you.
We'll be right there, commissioner.
I'm afraid we're into it now, Master Robin.
Bruce will be with us in a minute, Alfred.
As soon as he finds a place to change into his Batman outfit.
Let's go.
I thought you'd be changed by now, Bruce.
There's no time for that.
We'll have to do it in another way.
Just speak into this, Alfred.
I had already preset the Bat-speech imitator
so that my own voice will come out.
Splendid! It'll help hide my moustache.
Good thinking, Alfred.
You're on your own now, old chap.
Can't understand what's taking Batman so long.
Usually, he'd simply swing down wearing his Bat-rope.
He should be here any moment.
Here they are now.
Yes, commissioner, What's wrong?
That infernal Archer has outwitted us.
The money is counterfeit.
Holy deviltry!
Batman, are you alright?
I've a bit of a cold, Commissioner Gordon.
I thought it might be infectious.
I don't want anyone to catch it.
Just like Batman always thinking of his fellowmen.
What do you think happened, Commissioner?
The money was probably switched during the night.
Ten million dollars! This is the crime of the century.
Don't worry, Sir. Batman always gets his man.
Say, Boy Wonder, uh..
Batman looks a little, um, thinner these days.
Is he alright?
Uh, except for the cold, he's fine.
Well, tell him to get some relaxation
and make sure to eat all his vegetables.
I'll tell him, sir.
- How did I do, Master Robin? - You could've fooled me.
Let's go, Alfred.
[intense music]
Bruce will meet us back at the Bat-cave.
Right you are, sir.
That swaggering churl and [indistinct].
This could probably mean my job.
I'm sure Batman and Robin will get them.
Oh, I fear those piratical desperados
have already unbuckled their swashes and fled Gotham City.
A very good day to you, Mr. Wayne.
You're...you're leaving?
I hired me an inn out of Fire Cove
for a bit of the Bounding Main.
Allow me to offer you my hearty hand claws.
Keep in touch, won't you?
You can be sure you'll hear from me.
Gosh, Batman! We're really up a tree this time.
Even the Bat-crime-puter i s struck out.
There's a large mural here and one small piece of canvas
must be brushed in before we can get the entire picture.
Let's fill it in.
The armored car was attacked at dawn and the only ones
who knew about the money delivery were you, I and..
- Allan A. Dale. - Correct!
And the money was brand new and in serial number sequence.
Archer wouldn't dare try to spin the money. Because all the banks
in the country will be on the lookout for it.
But where did he, uh.. I fancy the word is stash
all that money until the heat is removed.
There's only one place in the world
where the heat would be off.
Switzerland.
Of course! I read about it in my economics class.
And they give you an account number
so you can remain anonymous.
That's correct, Robin.
It's as plain as the masks on our faces.
The Archer said, we could never obtain his number
because it was..
- Unlisted! - Correct.
And Allan A. Dale went boating at Fire Cove.
Do you know where Fire Cove is?
I've spent many of summer there, sir.
It's the last spot of land one sees
before going out to open water.
That leads to Europe.
Precisely. And Commissioner Gordon said
he had the roads and the airplanes covered.
But...The Archer has signaled two if by sea.
To the Bat-boat via Batmobile!
[intense music]
Officer, officer!
I don't understand this.
How come Batman gets away with driving so fast
cutting around corners? Going through lights.
Why, if I did that and I'd be in jail for the rest of my life?
Batman is a duly deputized officer of the law, ma'am.
And if he's not pursuing a dangerous criminal
he drives more safely than any motorist I have ever seen.
In his off hours, he lectures on traffic safety
to driving classes all over Gotham City.
No, ma'am, if ever you see Batman driving speedily
you can be sure that he's endangering his life
to protect yours and mine.
[crowd applauding]
[instrumental music]
[boat motor revving]
[ Archer whistling]
Stand by to raise the fo'c'sle..
And do it on a double, quick or I'll kill all of you.
I just love that kind of talk.
I think I'll go downstairs to the kitchen.
Thou mean, it's the galley.
Oh, whatever you say, Archer baby.
[whistling]
Now heat this.
Scrape the barnacles, pump the bilge, me scurvy crew.
Then hard..
- Mr. Archer. - Thou speakest?
(Allan) 'I'm getting seasick already.'
(Archer) 'And we've not yet left port.'
You'll all be more than seasick by the time
we get through with you.
Avast, me hearties.
Draw thy bow.
(Batman) Quick, Robin, the Bat-shield.
Fire 1 ! Fire 2!
Abandon bows.
Taketh the swords.
Don't let them get away, fellows.
Slice them into small pieces.
By thunder, thee will walk the plank deck.
Holy Blackbeard!
Curve 'em up, swabbies.
or thee will all hang from the yardarm.
(Marilyn) 'Hey, yous guys.'
I doff my cowl to you, Maid Marilyn.
[grunting]
[Marilyn laughing]
[instrumental music]
[sword clanking]
Fair's fair.
[intense music]
Ow!
Et tu, Brute!
Not bad, Dick.
Let me give another try.
Well done, sir, and you too, master Dick.
But if I may I'd like to show you
how we used to do it in very old England.
We could use few pointers, Alfred.
And now, Master Dick, if you'll do the honors.
I'll show you that my nickname of William Tell was no jest.
Um, I rather not, Alfred.
Not that I don't trust you or anything.
Dick is right, Alfred.
We...shouldn't take any unnecessary chances.
Oh, very well, sir.
Here, I'll put it on the target for you.
Thank you, Master Dick. Yes!
(Alfred) 'You must be very careful.'
Draw the bow back very, very slowly.
Until you reach the desired degree of attention
on your bow string.
- And then.. - Okay.
...sight the target in this manner.
And release very smoothly, like this.
Right between the eyes.
You were saying?
I-I do believe I forgot to dust the Bat-cave, sir.
Yes. If you'll excuse me.
(Male Narrator) Next week, Batman faces the Catwoman.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman