¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
A warm serene afternoon in Gotham City.
The merest hint of a breeze.
ruffles the leaves of the majestic trees
that inhabit the back lawn of stately Wayne Manor.
Scarcely the moment for crime to rear it's ugly head.
Press on, merry marksmen, we have much to do.
Night descends. Hyah!
[music continues]
I've run it up to flagpole back at home base, Mr. Wayne.
And I'm not sure we should award the money
to the poor denizens of Gotham City.
No?
As administrative head of public relations
I recommend against it.
You realize, Mr. Dale, that the..
...foundation had already decided for it.
Certainly.
But with this Arch-Archer criminal traversing our byways.
Yes, Archer.
I wonder if that much cash will be safe.
Mr. Dale, as chief trustee of the Wayne Foundation
I can assure you that it is entirely safe.
Gotham City is in no danger from criminals.
Oh.
[coughing]
Stand back whilst I have at him.
The legal tender awaits our liberation.
[explosion]
[crowd cheering]
Shall we take our leave?
The quicker the more, advisable, sire.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Well put, sire.
A quote from some obscure..
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chattering]
Thank you, Archer.
You kept the wolf from our door.
You're all heart and a yard wide, Big John.
Ah, bless the ground that you cry on, Mr. Chuck.
[siren wailing]
Uh-ho!
Egad! We are on a verge of incarceration.
Fear not.
I have prepared a sneezing powder arrow
to harangue their nostrils.
[music continues]
[sneezing]
Time to make our egress for the utmost effect.
Hyah!
[indistinct chattering]
[telephone beeping]
I shall secure him without further delay, sir.
Was anyone hurt?
No, it was rather mild gas with hardly any after effects.
Our butler, Alfred was out shopping for the morning
and revived us with smelling salts.
[clears throat]
There's that little business to attend to in the study, sir.
- Oh, yes? - Golly!
Ah, please excuse us, Chief O'Hara.
Yes, yeah.
[instrumental music]
Yes, commissioner.
I've just heard from Chief O'Hara that The Archer
that rapacious rapscallion has returned
to taunt the good people of Gotham City.
Yes, and he robbed the home of millionaire, Bruce Wayne.
How did you know about that, Batman?
It's my business to know.
We'll come right in.
To the Bat-poles.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
[tires screeching]
They distributed all the money to the poor?
Most of it is already been turned in.
Once people knew it was stolen, they wanted no part of it.
A tribute! To their character and moral fiber.
This Archer seems to have you at his mercy.
That maleficent marksman.
I'm going to tell the trustees that the Wayne Foundation
not to make the proposed ground.
Why not?
We're chatting about ten million dollars in cash money
being distributed through our annual poverty program.
We must make sure
that the millions won't end up in the hands of that blaggard.
The Wayne Foundation is doing a wonderful job
supplementing the administration's policies.
And with Batman and Robin in our side
you can be sure, no harm will befall that money.
Stand back, everybody.
This could be another one of Archer's tricks.
[explosion]
- Oh! - My eye blinded.
[crowd cheering]
- I'm blinded. - I can't see.
My eyes. I'm blinded.
[indistinct chattering]
[indistinct]
I'm gonna rob from the rich and give to the poor.
How unoriginal.
I came to warn thee. All of thee.
I don't want anybody interfering
with my robbing or giving, understand?
Or the poor people in Gotham City
will rise up and revolt.
To them, I'm the spirit of prevalence.
And I won't brook no interference.
- Let's get him, Batman. - Batman..
Let us depart, Archer.
We've nary an excess moment.
Batman, where are you?
[laughing]
Au revoir.
And cheerio!
A bit of a tweet-tweet and a pit-pit and a pleasant dreams.
There they go around the corner.
Let's see, if we can catch them.
[coughing]
He certainly is a spectacular man.
That he is and the Boy Wonder is pretty good too.
I was talking about The Archer.
I've got publicity campaign and he'd replace Batman
as the public's favorite.
Understand this, Mr. Dale.
Someone might be able to substitute for Batman
for a short time but..
No one could ever replace him.
That Archer sure is a tough cookie, Batman.
Stale is a better adjective, Robin.
Hey, who are you?
He must be new in Gotham City.
He's from Philadelphia.
How did you know?
(Batman) 'You dipped your diphthong.'
People from Philadelphia are known for that.
We're Batman and Robin The crime fighters.
Are you a vocal group?
I beg your pardon.
I thought, perhaps you might be a singing duo
you know the, uh, the outfits and all that.
No, we're duly deputized officers of the law.
You may return to your business, citizen.
[instrumental music]
Holy Houdini, they disappeared.
Excuse me, miss.
Have you seen, three men on horse back
riding in this neighborhood?
Three men on a horse in downtown Gotham City, Batman?
I think you've been working too hard.
Thanks anyway, miss.
[engine revving]
No, marksmanship.
For a fortnight now we've robbed the rich and given to the poor.
Yeah. And was nary a doubloon for our own pocket.
We have no time and reason for personal profit.
Patience and hold thy tongue.
We've one more crime to commit before the big caper.
I wish yous guys would quit droppin' so funny.
And get down at business.
Batman and Robin will get us.
And all I've blown two weeks driving a truck.
Cease and desist, woman.
I have other things in my mind.
I must devise a plan to pry the location of the Bat-cave
outta Batman and Robin.
Mm-mm, uh, why the fact make any difference?
It is rumored that those caped sheriffs of Gothingham
have the machine that can predict
any criminal's next ploy.
We must seize and destroy that machine
or suffer the consequences.
Marilyn, call Commissioner Gordon.
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
Yes, I've got it.
The Archer would be distributing money to the poor people
at the corner of Neptune Avenue and 20th Street
at precisely 4 o'clock.
Thank you for your help, miss.
Well, O'Hara, this maybe the break we've been waiting for.
Are you...you gonna call the Dynamic Duo, sir?
Wouldn't you?
[instrumental music]
[door opens]
Say, what is this?
Mr. Bannister, thy time has come.
If you didn't get your change back
from one of our candy machines.
Take it up to the compliant department.
Gentlemen.
String thy bow.
If it's about the coin shortage, I swear..
...I'll put 'em back in the circulation.
Not nearly so fast as we shall.
- Now, sire? - Now.
[music continues]
[crowd cheering]
Hey, everybody, come on, now!
Hurray! For Archer!
[crowd cheering]
Come on, everybody, Boo! The Batman.
[crowd booing]
[indistinct chattering]
Come on, everybody, boo it up!
[indistinct chattering]
[indistinct shouting]
A fine bunch of creeps, yous guys turned out to be.
Which I fancy talking every time.
Fine gratitude.
That's what I get for aligning myself
with a kindergarten dropout.
Town is in an uproar, Batman.
The Archer has been glorified by everyone.
And the poor folks have pool their pennies to make his bail.
50,000 smackers in milk bottle deposit money,
Ah, which probably would have gone for food.
Don't they I understand how he's trying to fool them.
That elusive lure of easy living.
Talk about fooling all the people all the time.
Oh, The Archer made this statement
just after he was bailed out.
(Archer) 'Thank thee compatriots of Gotham City.'
'Thank thee for thy fate.'
'Let it be now known to one and all.'
'I have force won my deeds of the past.'
'Rich people of Gotham City'
'thee make quake no more in thy boots.'
'Yay and fairly, I shall no longer rob thee.'
[instrumental music]
I programmed the Bat-file of addresses to look up
any variation of the word "Archer".
Oft times a criminal will be listed
under a nom de crime similar to his own.
Nope, all those are legitimate people.
What was it that, Allan A. Dale said about Archer?
That people think he maybe another Robin.
Ah! What was Robin Hood's real name?
I read about that in English class.
He was also known as
the, uh, "Outlawed Earl of Hunting."
Mmm. Let's see what the Bat-file has to say about that.
[rumbling]
Look, there it is.
(Robin) 'An archery range owned by Earl Huntington.'
In Sherwood Avenue is in the Green Four section
of Gotham City.
This might be what we're looking for, Robin.
I hope so.
We've gotta expose him before he does more damage.
- Right. - But how?
How, what, Master Robin?
The Archer has sworn never again to rob from the rich
'and give to the poor.'
But he had nothing to say about the poor to make himself rich.
You think that maybe his overall plans?
And I wouldn't be surprised if it ultimately involve
the Wayne Foundation grant.
Heaven forfend!
Alfred, in your youth
you were familiar with the long, the short
and the cross bow Were you not?
Yes, indeed, sir.
I was known as the William Tell of Liverpool.
And you've always been prepared
to join us in our crime fighting, have you not?
To serve you in any capacity, sir.
It's always been my duty and my pleasure.
Excellent.
While Robin and I are finding Archer's hideout
there's all you need to do.
[instrumental music]
Ha!
I...I shall/should like to purchase few shillings worth of arrows.
Doest thou fancy thyself a bowman?
Yes.
Of the highest caliber.
I've yet to meet a man who's my match.
You may have met him now.
Spoken like a true competitor.
Mayhaps, thy would care to make a small wager on the outcome?
No.
Would, uh..
Would a pound note?
Done. And done.
After you, sir.
[instrumental music]
[chuckles] Thank you.
Doth the heathen stand a chance?
Not a smidgen.
Archer will soon puncture his confidence.
You know somethin'?
Yous guys, all these American titles you use when yous talk.
Like in the foreign pictures.
[music continues]
Holy inquisition!
This is about the most frightening chamber horrors
I've ever seen.
Let's just hope that Alfred can keep them busy
while we take strategic positions in a way to trap them.
Mediocre, sir.
Watch some superior bowmanship.
[crowd cheering]
We lose more arrows that way.
Let us continue.
First man who misses splitting an arrow is the loser.
[crowd cheering]
Hey, Archer!
Somebody's fooling around in your play room.
The signal just went on.
Aha, then take the necessary measures.
- We been trapped. - Not, yet!
I'll cut us free with my Bat-knife.
Well, thank you so much for the very fine afternoon sport.
But uh, I have to be going.
Pardon my soul, he does wish to leave?
Doth thee indeed?
Yes, I do. Yes, I have a pressing engagement elsewhere.
Not by the hair of that chinny-chin-chin.
I believe thy was sent here to occupy our time
while someone scoured our underground hideaway.
Extraordinary idea.
No-no-no, I-I merely an innocent bystander.
If that be the case, fear not.
Bow has nothing to fear but thy life.
Seize him.
But I-I..
[music continues]
[laughing]
[intense music]
I've tried every devious trick in my quiver of terror.
But thou still refuseth to disclose the location
of the Bat-cave.
You'll have to kill us before we tell you where the Bat-cave is.
Me thinkest thou speaketh the stream of truth.
Therefore, I'll kill the innocent bystander in thy stead.
[intense music]
(The Archer) 'Prepare, gentlemen.'
[intense music]
Holy hostage! Don't let him do it, Batman.
Well, I've to leave that decision
to the innocent bystander.
I would rather lay down my life
than impair the efficiency of Batman and Robin.
Very well then, go to it, lads.
Happy landing, old man.
Though hadst a good head on thy shoulders, whilst it lasted.
You'll pay for this, you fiends.
It was all for the best, Robin.
How can you say that?
Look!
He's alright.
And you knew all the time.
It's a guillotine often used by stage magicians.
I recognized it at once, he was in no danger whatsoever.
Very well, then.
Let the varlets down.
[screeching]
Archer.
I've been waiting to ask you..
...about that machine? What is it?
I purloined it from the castle of a television producer.
Who makes alleged comedy programs.
It can duplicate any laugh from a giggle..
[woman giggling]
...to a guffaw.
[man laughing]
And all that chortles and chuckles betwixt in between.
But I've grown weary of this fiddle-dee-dee.
I entertain suggestions for their demise
'for my worthy aides to camp.'
Enclose them in a room full of imported California smog.
They wouldn't last five minutes!
I have a more engaging notion.
Batman, I offer thee a sporting proposition.
A fair duel on the field of honor.
[intense music]
I accept the challenge.
Maid Marilyn, start the machine fortwith.
[machine starts]
Gentlemen, it's time to offer them a bellyful of our steel.
- Shall we? - As you wish, sire.
- Your wish is my deed. - Let's smite the varlet.
Ha!
Doth this foul deed spell finis for the Caped Crusaders?
Willst the Dynamic Duo escape to fight again
the villainous swine who threaten home and hearth?
Take heart, citizens.
The answers to these and other pointed inquiries tomorrow!
Same Bat-time! Same Bat-channel!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman