¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
(male narrator) Gotham City. Another fine day.
But on a side street, not so fine.
A small fish store.
Something smells and it's not last week's mackerel.
[dramatic music]
Psst! Alfred, the butler. Get ready.
No-no, Shark, you wanna warn him? Get that thing outta sight.
[music continues]
Yes, sir. Can I help you?
- Fresh fish today. - Well, that depends.
I, uh, ran across this handbill
advertising uh, cut rate caviar.
Ooh, yes, sir.
Right this way.
- The best in town. - So I hope.
I should never commit myself to serve anything but the best.
How much ya need? A couple of ounces?
Half a pound?
20 pounds at least, my good man.
A pound per guest. Now, uh, pardon me, ladies.
[music continues]
Mmm, very mild.
Now if it's all as good as this..
(Alfred) Why, what's the meaning of this?
(Alfred) 'Help! Police! Help! Help!'
Help! Help! My face!
[Alfred choking]
[music continues]
(O'Hara) 'Yes, commissioner.'
Not only did some passers by see Alfred, the Wayne butler
being carried to a waitin' car by hoodlums
but the hoodlums had umbrellas.
We found this one at the scene.
- Notice what's on the tip. - Hmm?
- Mmm, smells like caviar. - Hmm.
There's no doubt, commissioner.
No doubt or me name ain't..
- O'Hara. - Chief O'Hara.
That's right.
Umbrella is the absolute sign..
...we're dealing with that waddling, pirate o' plunder
the Penguin himself.
Or...do we deal with him?
Ya hit the nail right on the head, commissioner.
Oh, any ordinary crook, the department can handle.
But when it comes to the likes of the Penguin..
...why there's only one being on earth.
[instrumental music]
[phone beeping]
Yes, commissioner. What is it?
Uh, thank heavens I got you, Batman.
It's-it's the Penguin again.
- A kidnapping. - The Penguin, eh?
- Who's his victim this time? - Uh, Batman.
You know Bruce Wayne, the multimillionaire of course.
Of course.
'The Penguin's victim is none other than'
'Bruce Wayne's butler Alfred.'
Batman, are you there? Di-did you hear me?
Yes, I heard you, commissioner. We'll join you at once.
Who is it, Bruce?
Has the Penguin kidnapped someone special?
Dick, I'm afraid you better put your Latin verbs aside for now.
- The missing man is Alfred. - Holy Wayne manor!
- You don't mean our Alfred. - Yes, Dick.
I mean our Alfred.
To the Bat-poles.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman, Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman, Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na Na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
[intense music]
Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.
Roger, ready to move out.
[engine roaring]
[theme music]
[dramatic music]
No doubt at all.
It does indeed point to Penguin.
Chief O'Hara, I congratulate you on your keen deduction.
Hmm? Oh-oh, it was nothing.
But what troubles me is what them hoodlums did with Alfred.
They obviously took him somewhere.
- Hmm. - Very strange.
What is, Robin?
I'm sure you've noticed, Batman.
Alfred the butler has been kidnapped
but there's no ransom demand.
My thunderation! The lad is right.
But, if it wasn't ransom that the Penguin's after, what then?
I think I can answer that, Chief O'Hara.
The multimillionaire's annual award dinner.
You mean the one at which a dozen multimillionaires
each donate a million dollars cash to a chosen charity?
What does Alfred the butler have to do with that?
It's not common knowledge
but Alfred is the major domo at that affair..
...and I happen to know that his employer Mr. Bruce Wayne
attends that dinner every year.
Batman, the location is kept secret to avoid publicity.
The only ones who know..
- Oh! - Big pardon, boy wonder.
If Alfred oversees the food and service
he knows where it's held. And that means..
(Batman) 'Exactly, Robin.'
That's what the Penguin is after.
He kidnapped Alfred to force him to divulge
the location of the dinner.
Good thinking, Robin.
And $12 million is nothing to sneeze at, even for Penguin.
Come on, Robin. Let's race to the scene of the kidnapping.
We may find a clue.
(Gordon) 'But, Batman. The fish store is empty.'
It's-it's a false fish store.
That's right. We checked it over from stem to stern.
Meaning no offence, Chief O'Hara.
Your department is the finest in the land.
But...where you failed..
...Robin and I may succeed.
[dramatic music]
Ah! The dynamic duo.
What would we do without them, O'Hara?
Oh, commissioner. Don't even whisper it.
Oh, I shudder to think of what might..
Uh-oh! I'm forgetting.
Parking lot, clear all exits for the Batmobile.
(male narrator) And meanwhile on Gotham City's waterfront..
...the riverside rendezvous of the Penguin
and his fine finny fiends.
Seagoing scoundrels, all.
[dramatic music]
- Octopus, more ink. - Coming, boss.
What do you think, Penguin poopsy?
It's lovely, Finella, my little pollywog, lovely.
You are not even looking.
You told me to practice and you'd make sure
that I won a bathing beauty contest.
You will, I'll see to that.
It's all part and parcel of my piratical plan.
[laughing]
But that'll come later.
Right now, I have other fish to fry.
Stop it, you ruffian. Don't do that.
Talk. Where's this here
multimillionaire dinner gonna be held?
Maybe I oughta run this through you.
Nay! You mineral brain.
But, boss. I gotta make him tell.
(Penguin) 'Tell what? He can't tell what he doesn't know.'
- Doesn't know? - Quite true.
I do not know.
And not that I'd tell you if I did.
But, boss, if he don't have the answer, what good is he?
Ugh! You don't comprehend my super calculated trickery.
But you will.
[Penguin laughing]
And so will you, Alfred, my boy.
When I put you in the penguin box.
[Penguin laughing]
And I'll teach you how to waddle like a Penguin.
You're quite right. It's no secret now.
Because the location of the dinner hasn't been decided upon.
But when it has, you won't be a silent butler anymore.
You'll be a babbling butler.
Never, it simply isn't done to betray one's master.
Exactly, exactly.
And this penguin box will make me your master.
- Everything ready? - 'All set, boss.'
[intense music]
[gurgling]
[music continues]
Switch.
Hey, zombie stuff. He's brainwashed.
Precisely.
As I say, my penguin box never fails.
He's coming under my power.
Now watch.
[quacking]
You will remember none of this.
"I will remember none of this."
What you will remember is..
[quacking]
...the time..
"...The time.."
'...and the place..'
"And the place.."
...of the multimillionaires dinner.
[quacking]
"...of the multimillionaires dinner."
- Is that clear? - 'Yes.'
- Yes what? - Yes..
...sir.
[laughing hysterically]
[dramatic music]
Only a smear of caviar.
Chief O'Hara was right. Not a clue in sight.
What's that on the floor, Robin? That crumpled piece of paper.
Just an ad for this place.
"Big sale, cut-rate caviar. First come, first served."
(Batman) 'Look closer. The name of the proprietor.'
'"Not A Fish."'
- Not a fish? - Don't you see, Robin?
- If he's not a fish-- - Of course!
Holy subliminal! If he's not a fish, he must be the Penguin.
Exactly! Good deduction.
[beeping]
The bat-phone in the Batmobile.
[dramatic music]
Remember, Robin, always look both ways.
Yes?
(Gordon on phone) 'This is Commissioner Gordon, Batman.'
- What's wrong, commissioner? - Not a thing, Batman.
For once I'm happy to say I'm the bearer of good news.
I'm happy to tell you that Mr. Wayne's butler Alfred
has not been kidnapped after all.
Not kidnapped? What does he mean, Batman?
I heard that, boy wonder.
I mean, he has not been kidnapped.
Alfred the butler has turned up?
Safe and sound as a dollar.
Ahem! And you'll never guess where.
Right back home at the stately mansion of his employer
millionaire Bruce Wayne.
Thank you, commissioner. That's good news.
Holy puzzlers, Batman! It's great that Alfred is safe.
But...somehow it sounds fishy to me.
It certainly does, Robin.
And the sooner we talk to Alfred ourselves
the sooner we'll have the answers. Let's go.
[instrumental music]
But of course I smell fishy, sir.
One does not purchase 20 pounds of caviar
without retaining a certain effluvium of fish eggs.
I had to hang out my morning coat to air.
But, Alfred, you were reported kidnapped.
We just came from the fish store where they grabbed you.
Fish store? What fish store?
The one you went to, to purchase the caviar.
I never went to any fish store, sir.
I did as I always do.
Purchased it direct through the Iranian embassy.
Why? Is anything the matter, sir?
[dramatic music]
- Where did you get that twitch? - Get what, sir?
- That...twitch. - Twitch, sir?
What twitch?
We'll never learn where the Penguin took him this way.
Patience, there's more than one way to locate a criminal.
Let's try the memory bat-bank on Alfred.
Good idea.
- Alfred. - Mm-hmm?
Would you like to look at some photographs
to see if you recognize some people?
Photos? Oh, gladly, sir.
Yes.
(Alfred) 'A criminal type, sir, obviously. And a smooth one.'
They can be the most dangerous.
- But not familiar. - No, sir. A total stranger.
(Alfred) 'Also a total stranger. And I may add.'
'I'm glad of it.'
Shark, hmm. An interesting appellation.
- But you don't know him? - No.
Never seen him before, sir.
(Alfred) 'A rogue, if ever I saw one.'
Eh, but this is my first glimpse of him.
Now, Alfred..
...how about..
...this one?
(Alfred) 'Oh, a fiend, sir. Obviously, a perfect fiend.'
Uh, may one enquire as to his name?
His name..
...is Penguin.
Penguin, hmm. Never seen him before, sir.
[music continues]
Oh, uh, excuse me, sir.
This is all most interesting but, uh..
In a few minutes your guests will be here.
- Guests? - Yes, Master Robin.
The multimillionaires.
Alfred's right. The rehearsal dinner, we must be there.
If we're not, it would be breach of good manners.
Thank you for remembering, Alfred.
Thank you, sir. A good butler never forgets.
Oh, the crabmeat canapes.
I must pop them in the oven right away.
[instrumental music]
Good idea, this rehearsal.
The ladies are such worthy causes.
I personally favor Miss, uh..
...Natural Resources.
I'd like to make her my own personal charity.
All are worthy.
Uh, you can say that again.
And that is Bruce Wayne's grandfather, Mrs. Cooper?
His great grandfather.
I understand he was tapped for skull and bones.
Tapped for it? Sir, he founded skull and bones.
- Uh, canape, miss? - Oh, no, thank you.
I have to watch my figure.
I quite understand.
How do we decide where we have dinner?
By vote as usual in the democratic way.
- Uh, canapes, sir? - Don't mind if I do.
Hey, what's this?
[intense music]
A fish hook.
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
It must have fallen out of my morning coat.
- Your morning coat? - Uh, yes, sir.
The one I wore this morning when I was preparing the canapes.
Excuse me a moment.
Sir, please do have another. I can assure you..
Fallen from his morning coat. The one he wore.
Yes, this morning when the Penguin grabbed him.
A clue, Dick. Quickly, back to the bat-cave.
[intense music]
A fish hook. Clearly that must mean..
'...a water front.'
(Robin) 'Holy fog! Of course.'
Where on the waterfront? It runs for a 146 miles.
You're forgetting the other clue, Robin.
"Not a fish" proprietor.
Let's see if the same name pops up for a fishing pier.
(Robin) 'No.'
(Robin) '"A fish." That's it!'
(Batman) 'South Pier. Let's go!'
Gosh, Batman. It just occurred to me.
What if Penguin's prepared for us?
- I hope he's not. - But if he is?
That's a chance we have to take, Robin.
[theme music]
We waitin' for somebody, boss?
[tires screeching]
- Boss, it's the Batmobile. - Yes!
Batman and Robin.
I knew that that fish hook would fetch them.
- You knew? - You mean [indistinct]
[intense music]
Th-th-they'll grab us. It's the finish.
The finish for them, not for us, my quaking cohorts.
But they're not captured yet. If I may coin a phrase
there's many a slip, so zipper your lip.
Here they come. Inside.
Out of sight.
[music continues]
Finella, what're you doing?
Gee! Batman is handsome.
What I can make out under the mask.
What you can make, my dear, is make yourself scarce!
[music continues]
You may as well give yourself up, Penguin.
[Finella sniffling]
Will you close your gills?
[quacking]
Holy clockwork! What next?
It proves he's here.
Come on, Robin.
[grunting]
Where is he?
[theme music]
[groaning]
Pengy-baby, I'm just not sure that
this is the right bathing suit.
[grunting]
[Penguin laughing]
No!
Look, boss, they're still breathing.
So, they are, eh?
We'll remedy that by putting them in the..
[laughing]
...vacuum tank.
Not the vacuum tank, boss. It ain't human.
Hmm, no-no, it ain't.
Well, come on, you mutt headed finks.
Follow me.
[instrumental music]
[intense music]
Greetings, dynamic duo.
(Penguin) '"Enough for all." But not for long.'
Come on, you finny finks. Keep the bellows working.
(Finella) 'Oh, how awful.'
Yes, isn't it? Hand me that.
Wake up, caped-crusader.
Yes, Batman. The air is growing thinner.
'And as it does the balloons will begin to expand and burst.'
'So you watch the balloons Batman.'
'When all of them have burst'
'the two of you will be finished.'
[laughing hysterically]
[balloon popping]
Can this be happening to the dynamic duo?
How can they live?
Will they be vanquished by a vacuum?
Revive, Robin! Breathe Batman!
We'll hold our breath for you both.
Until tomorrow night.
Same time, same channel.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman, Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman, Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman