¶ Batman
(male narrator) So far we have seen
in the lobby of a silent film festival
an unscheduled diversion.
The tramp was The Riddler.
What the blazes was his game?
He was after a roll.
A tasty payroll.
But this roll had a twist.
A crooked crew behind a movie camera.
And two stars who didn't know they were in the picture.
A trap!
Caught again on film.
And in the abandoned cutting room of a bankrupt movie studio
The Riddler and his felonious filmsters
enjoy the show.
And got ready for an even stranger one.
Temper tonic.
Poured into innocent lemonade
at Mr. Van Jones' temperance party.
Incredible affect.
Friends turn into snarling beasts.
A free for all.
And down in the driveway, a damsel in distress.
Oh, yeah?
Robin? Where's Robin?
In the Riddler's filthy clutches.
Kindling for the biting buzzsaw.
We warned you before, we warn you again
in just one minute, you will a Boy Wonder sawed in two.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
Meanwhile, even as the buzzsaw spins
a desperate Batman races
from the scene of Mr. Van Jones' fatal party
bent on pursuit of Robin's captors.
Horrors! The Boy Wonder's tiny utility belt radio
lost in the struggle.
No way of contacting him now.
Batman! Wait!
I'm so ashamed, Batman, the way I behaved at that party.
It's not your fault, commissioner.
Riddler's henchmen spiked your drinks with temper tonic.
Now you've taken my universal drug antidote
you'll be alright.
Yes, but still my unseemly behavior
certainly contributed towards Robin's capture.
Let that be a lesson.
In future, be more careful from whom you accept free lemonade.
[explosion]
What the blazes!
'Great Scott, Batman! Look up there.'
A parachute blossoming.
"A bear like a fallen tree?"
Easy. A bear lumbers and a fallen tree becomes lumber.
[explosion]
Good grief! Another one.
'"Why is silk like grass?"'
Even easier.
You measure both by the yard.
Lumber...yard..
The Gotham Lumberyard!
That must be where he's holding Robin.
'Goodbye, commissioner.'
Speed to headquarters.
I'll call you if I need help.
[engine revving]
Goodbye, Batman.
Save that boy!
[dramatic music]
[tires screeching]
[music continues]
[buzzsaw whirring]
Robin!
Do you hear me?
Too late. He's history now, Batman.
[laughing]
I'll do better than that, Riddler.
[laughter continues]
Question.
When is a man a stupid relative, huh?
[laughing]
I've heard enough of your murderous riddles.
Surprise, Batman.
This is what is known in the film game as a two-parter.
Look!
[The Riddler laughing]
"When is a man like a stupid relative?"
When he's a mannequin.
[sighing]
A dummy.
Robin?
Riddler?
[bucket clanking]
[dramatic music]
Stop! Surrender! Give yourself up.
By all that's holy I might forget myself
and do you violence.
My name is Pauline.
My lawyer's name is Mr. Oliver Wendell.
Why don't you look him up and buzz him?
No use, Batman. She's hard as nails.
Knows her legal rights too.
A frustrated, would-be actress..
...a star that was never born
venting her disappointment on society.
Only one thing to do, commissioner.
Take her to the Batcave and work on her.
Great Scott, Batman.
Revealing its location will be tantamount to..
...taking off your mask.
Not quite, commissioner.
Before the trip, I intend to render her senseless
with a whiff
of Batgas.
Hey, now, wait a minute.
I'd like you to come along too, commissioner.
Me? To the Batcave?
When it's a question of Robin's safety
I don't entirely trust myself.
I'd like a witness present to make sure
that I don't employ methods
which might bounce back on me in court.
Well, of course, if you wish my presence, Batman, I'll..
Uh, Batgas for me as well?
It's a precaution I have to take, commissioner.
If you were captured and tortured by criminals
you might reveal the location of the Batcave.
I place myself in your hands, Batman
with the most serene confidence.
Sit down, commissioner.
Restrain her, Chief O'Hara.
Hey! Hey, wait. Wait, I want my lawyer.
Help! No, don't you dare.
[screaming]
I assure you, commissioner, the sensation is not unpleasant.
Your handkerchief?
[sniffing]
Great science!
Chief O'Hara, summon some men.
We'll need help in getting them to the Batmobile.
[tires screeching]
[dramatic music]
Great Scott!
At last, the fabulous Batcave.
- Unusual, isn't it? - Oh, magnificent!
I feel as if I've awakened in some future age.
Such equipment.
What fantastic ingenuity
you and the Boy Wonder have employed
in hooking it together.
True.
We did muster many long hours of brain power.
However, this is no time for self-congratulation.
A small demonstration will now take place.
- A demonstration? - Yes, commissioner.
Take this can of Batwake.
When I give you this signal
spray a whiff of it in the prisoner's face.
Certainly.
[dramatic music]
You will notice, commissioner, that this Batmask in most ways
resembles an ordinary operating room oxygen mask.
I will introduce no drugs, no serums
into Pauline's bloodstream.
I understand.
Now, commissioner.
- Give her the Batwake, please. - Oh-oh, yeah.
Where am I?
Deep..
...in the entrails of the earth, Pauline.
Where every instrument
has been designed to combat crime
and smear its perpetrators.
There are those who came to this Batcave
and never left.
That is true.
Now, tell me.
Where is Robin being held?
I don't know.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm..
I only know..
(Batman) 'Yes.'
'...the clues, two riddles.'
Give them.
Why was Flo Zigfield like a nearsighted man?
Because they both put on spectacles.
Two?
What kind of men are always above board?
Chessmen.
Join me over here, commissioner.
Watch very carefully, commissioner.
I'm going to mingle Pauline's captured breath
with a clear liquid in this container.
What do you hope to discover, Caped Crusader?
The truth, commissioner.
If Pauline's answers were true
then the oxygen content of her breath
will turn this liquid red.
If, however, she lied
then the increase in her metabolism
will increase the oxygen content of her breath
and cause an imbalance which will leave this liquid clear
and undisturbed. Do you understand?
Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
Now..
...for the test.
Would you squeeze the bag, commissioner?
Thank you.
Fantastic!
Oh, I doff my hat to you, Batman.
No wonder you're the nemesis of crime.
Obviously you were telling the truth, young lady.
A wise decision, I promise you.
Commissioner.
You observed I used no undue methods
to extract that confession.
Oh, none whatever. I'd affirm that in the highest court
in the land.
But what do those strange clues mean, Batman?
Simple, commissioner.
Look at it in the context of the theme
which has run throughout this entire case.
Silent movies.
Uh, clue one. Spectacles.
Harold Lloyd of course.
He always wore spectacles.
And he was often found perilously balanced
on the ledge of a high building.
Chessmen.
The Chessman Building!
Right, commissioner.
I'll call Chief O'Hara on the Batphone
alert where to find you along the roadside.
I'll also tell him that he will find the standby container
of Batwake in your right-hand coat pocket.
Uh, right. Oh, thank you.
This, uh.. This has been a privilege, Batman.
A rare privilege.
I thank you.
- You're welcome. - Fire away.
Meanwhile, on a narrow ledge
just below the roof of the venerable Chessman Building
the Riddler and hisfelonious filmsters
prepare to shoot a shattering spectacle.
Stolen straight from Harold Lloyd.
[dramatic music]
Coming up..
...the last reel in our drama
starring the Boy Wonder
going down.
[music continues]
[laughing] This time..
...no whimsical dummy, but the real thing.
You lowdown fiend, what's the point of all of this?
Comedy, Boy Wonder.
Light-hearted comedy to accommodate a connoisseur.
Riddler, this life of crime has finally softened your brain.
[The Riddler laughing]
Question.
Can a robin fly if his wings are clipped?
You won't earn a nickel murdering me, Riddler.
This doesn't make sense.
Correct, Boy Wonder.
Not cents, dollars!
At least one million dollars.
Rehearsal.
Make sure my safety belt doesn't show.
Sure, Riddler baby.
'Make with the action.'
[chuckling]
Whoa-oh-oh! Whoa-a-a-a!
[The Riddler screaming]
Cut!
End of rehearsal.
This time, we film it.
Uh, but little difference, ya?
Ya. Little difference.
This time, the Boy Wonder makes the plunge.
Rolling.
Little mood music]
[harmonica music]
Robin!
Curses!
The Batrope! Grab it with your teeth.
Hold on, Robin. Tight.
I'll raise you back up to the ledge.
- Are you alright, Robin? - Holy molars!
Am I ever gonna take good care of my teeth.
True.
You owe your life to dental hygiene.
If only more people..
[helicopter whirring]
Those cowardly crooks!
They're escaping again.
Only if we had our Batcopter.
Holy smokes! Sky writing.
- More clues, no doubt. - You're right, Batman.
Look! A riddle!
"What kind of machine has ears?"
That one's for a nursery school.
A train of course.
A train has engineers.
You want to land us all back up in the pen again, baby?
Lackeys, you don't realize
these clues have a false meaning.
"A cowboy wear a tight belt?"
The same reason a policeman or anyone else does.
To hold up his pants.
A train.
A hold up.
Well, the El Chief!
- Which? - The El Chief, Batman
That famous train which all the movie people used to take.
The Riddler's planning to hold it up.
- Fits like a glove. - Yes, it does.
Very good thinking, Robin.
Commissioner Gordon? Robin, calling from the Batmobile.
Thank heavens, Boy Wonder, you are safe.
- How do you feel? - Just great.
- How do you feel? - No nauseous after-effects.
Tell Batman it was like waking from a strange refreshing dream.
I'll do that, commissioner.
In the meantime, here's a red hot tip.
Send every man you've got to Gotham Central Station.
Stake-out that famous train.
The El Chief.
[dramatic music]
A strange and shocking twist to the plot.
For even as the defenders of law and order
descend on Gotham Central Station
the Riddler shows up on the other side of the city.
At the mansion of Mr. Van Jones
famed fancier of old silent films.
(Mr. Van Jones) Well, come in.
Mr. Riddler, at last.
Yeah.
I have it right here, Mr. Van jones.
My silent masterpiece.
The only silent movie ever made of Batman and Robin
in action.
I can hardly wait.
[chuckling] Oh.
Imagine.
The first silent epic film in almost four decades..
...mine.
What a triumph for a collector like myself.
But, come on, let's run it.
Come on.
[Mr. Van Jones laughing]
[continues laughing]
[both laughing]
Sensational, Mr. Riddler.
Worth every penny of the $100,000
I contracted to pay you.
I thank you, Mr. Van Jones.
Just a moment, I'll put this film in the safe.
And get you your check.
Would you excuse me?
[dramatic music]
Have no fear for the safety of your epic, Mr. Riddler.
I'll keep it with my others.
In this burglar-proof vault.
It can be opened by positively no one
but myself.
Mr. Van Jones..
...why are you like a clock at midnight?
Answer.
'Cause both your hands are going straight up right now.
What is this?
This is your last reel.
'Step aside.'
But my films!
You can't take them.
They're priceless.
Oh, I think we'll find a price..
'...when you try to ransom it back.'
This way, partners.
[music continues]
No sheriff, Riddler baby?
'Hos, he went that-a-way..
...to the train station.
Hurry it up, boys.
Clean out that safe and let's head for them hills.
Blazes! A bat shadow.
(Batman) Same old ending, Riddler.
It never fails.
Thought you had us fooled with your double-dealing clues, huh?
"The Great Train Hold-Up."
The most famous silent film ever made.
'And the only existing print'
is right here in the Van Jones safe.
Get him, boys.
Get him, or we'll never make it to the border.
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
Good heavens!
Call Chief O'Hara, Robin.
Tell him we have the entire cast right here.
[mumbling] Cast?
You're about to star in a picture
of your very own, Riddler.
A long picture.
Titled, "Up The River."
[instrumental music]
Alfred, why are you dawdling so?
We're gonna be late at the restaurant.
- Is that so, madam? - Well, of course it's so.
We're due to meet Dick and Bruce there at 8:00.
As you say, madam.
Alfred..
...really, and on my birthday too.
Dick and Bruce promised they'd have a big surprise for me.
And that's precisely what I shouldn't wish you to miss.
[door opening]
- Happy Birthday, Mrs. Cooper. - Many happy returns.
Merciful heavens to Betsy, it's Batman and Robin.
My friend Bruce Wayne contacted me through the commissioner.
He said you'd always wanted to meet the Dynamic Duo.
(Robin) 'Kind of like a birthday surprise, Mrs. Cooper.'
- It's an honor, ma'am. - And a pleasure too.
May we take the liberty?
- I think we better run, Batman. - That's right, Robin.
We'll be late for that appointment we have tonight.
Happy birthday again, Mrs. Cooper.
Quickly, let's race to the Batmobile.
Oh, Alfred.
Alfred, imagine.
They kissed me.
Will Bruce and Dick ever believe that when I tell them?
Oh, I'm sure they will.
After all, I was a witness.
Madam.
Next week, the Penguin waddles again.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na
¶ Batman