¶ Batman
(male narrator) A small theater inside Washington center.
Gotham City's new palace of the arts.
Wednesday afternoon the silent film festival
draws to its close.
[music continues]
This tittle is incorrect.
It is not the end, but the beginning.
The cue for one of the most baffling crime waves
ever to confront the dynamic duo.
[indistinct chattering]
[laughing]
Good afternoon, Mr. Van Jones.
Ah, how do you do?
On behalf of the committee I want to thank you
for loaning us these rare films from your matchless collection.
My pleasure, sir.
Always delighted to do my bit for the lost art
of the silent film.
[instrumental music]
[all laughing]
What the devil is this?
[laughing continues]
[instrumental music]
[whistle blowing]
[instrumental music]
[all laughing]
[whistle blowing]
[instrumental music]
Where did you come from?
Well, I'm afraid, you're not allowed in here.
Sorry, it's against the..
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[laughing continues]
Your idea, Mr. Van Jones?
Certainly not.
I've spent a fortune collecting prints of old movies.
But I'm hardly impressed by an amateur group
who takes all the attention from them.
Good day, sir.
[instrumental music]
- The Riddler? - Correct, Chief O'Hara.
The Prince of Puzzlers, that master of criminal conundrum.
Our hopes for his reform have been blasted once again.
Let's hope our unknown friend behind the mask is home.
[Bat-phone beeping]
[instrumental music]
Yes, commissioner.
We'll be right there.
- What is it, Bruce? - The Riddler.
Holy Triple Feature! Will that crook ever learn?
That's a good question. While we pounder it...to the Bat-poles.
Excuse me.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
[engine revving]
[music continues]
"Why is a musician's bandstand like an oven?"
Hmm!
The manager found that, at the scene of the crime?
- Right, Batman. - I just can't figure it out.
All that thieving devil got for his trouble was 200 bucks.
Make anything out of that riddle, Robin?
I think I do.
It depends on digging musician's slang.
What do you mean, Boy Wonder?
"Why is a musician's bandstand like an oven?"
Because that's where he makes his bread.
- That's it of course. - Makes bread?
Precisely, Chief O'Hara.
"Bread" in the musician's vernacular means money.
Astonishing! But where can this clue point?
- To an oven. - A bakery.
Sure.
Mother Gotham's Bakery. The biggest one in the city.
I'll bet you a dollar the Riddler is after a fat roll.
- The Riddler? - After a roll?
Yes, commissioner. A fat and tasty roll.
Mother Gotham's payroll.
Come on, Robin. Let's race there fast.
[instrumental music]
- Camera loaded, C.B. - Ready to roll, Riddler baby.
Set it up.
Remember everybody, stay in the range of C.B's camera.
Mr. Van Jones has commissioned me to make him the greatest
silent films since the days of immortal Charlie.
Oh, I hope his budget is big enough
to take care of us all, aye, Riddler?
Silence, Von Bloheim.
As I tried to tell you our silent film is merely
a diversion, a clever ploy essential to our real crime.
Ah! You mean, heisting the payroll?
I do not. I do not..
Petty cash this payroll, a red herring for the dynamic duo.
- Wolf, ready with the pies? - Ready.
C.B, ready with the camera?
Pauline...prepare.
[sobbing]
Do your stuff.
[mellow music]
Oh, please, sir. Please, you must help me.
- Help you? - Oh, yes.
I must have some bread, to save my poor starving mother.
Oh, well, I'm sorry. We don't sell bread back here.
It doesn't matter.
For I have no money with which to buy.
Therefore I must beg.
Oh, charity, kind sir. Charity.
Well.
I've had to sell everything I own.
All except this torn, tattered shall.
- Take it if you must. - Oh, no, no..
No, I insist.
[instrumental music]
- Hold it. - What's wrong?
- You can't come in here. - Why? We have pies to deliver.
Take those pies down to shipping.
That's at the other end.
Ah, but these are special pies.
Whipped sleeping cream and nuts.
Whipped sleeping cream and nuts?
Nuts to you!
Ah!
[Riddler laughing]
[instrumental music]
[laughing]
Von Bloheim, the explosive eclair.
Quickly, quickly.
[laughing continues]
[explosion]
[instrumental music]
Back to the truck for our new camera set up.
I'll be with you, soon as I've decorated this place a bit.
[laughing]
- How'd it go, fellows. - Oh, wunderbar.
- Even the Oscar undoubtedly. - Inside, inside.
Pauline into the front with me.
Aim your camera through the slot, C.B
our stars should arrive any moment now.
(C.B) 'Ready when you're, Riddler baby.'
'Hey, here they come now.'
Action. Action.
[tire screeching]
No sign of crime here, Batman. Looks like business as usual.
We could have been deceived by that tricky clue.
On the other hand..
Let's race inside and take a look at that payroll office.
[instrumental music]
(C.B) 'Got it all, Riddler baby.'
Good. Hold tight, everybody. On to the next location.
[music continues]
Mother Gotham never baked this pie.
It's topped with sleeping cream.
We're too late. Look at that blow safe.
Look at that wall.
"Batman! As one baker to another.
"How do you make a dishonest shortcake?"
"Dishonest shortcake?"
- There's strawberry shortcake. - And blueberry shortcake.
- A dishonest shortcake. - I've got it.
A lie-berry. That would make it a dishonest shortcake.
Right, Robin. Lie-berry.
Clearly a corrupted version of the word library.
"As one baker to another."
Hey, isn't there a branch library on Baker Street?
Of course and Aunt Harriet goes there all the time.
We haven't a moment to lose. Let's race to the Batmobile.
Gotham City Library, Bakers Street Branch.
[instrumental music]
Right again, dynamic duo. Be careful.
[tire screeching]
- Roll on, C.B. - Roll on.
Look at that crump.
'Right in a well marked, no parking zone.'
He's within his rights, Robin.
Observe. Diplomatic plates.
The heart of diplomats in our city
is a small prize to pay for world leadership.
Now, let's check out that library.
[instrumental music]
"Baker Street Branch closed on Wednesdays
"because of lack of funds."
Shocking, shocking.
Looks like this lock has been tampered with, Batman.
You're right. We'll use the Bat-key.
[instrumental music]
[laughing]
- Cut. - Cut!
Quickly now, before the duo awake.
Back to our screening room to see how this crime develops.
- Oh! - Holy headache! What hit us?
A clever booby trick.
A bash on the head by this weighty tome.
"A Pictorial History of Silent Films."
Here it is. It's the same theme that's run
through this entire caper from the outset.
Look, Batman. Two more riddles on the flyleaf.
[instrumental music]
Tough ones too.
Let's race back to the Bat-cave.
This needs more research.
[music continues]
Meanwhile in the abandoned cutting room
of a bankrupt movie studio
the new secret headquarters of the Riddler
and his felonious filmsters.
[instrumental music]
So, this rough cut is ready.
Roll 'em, Von Bloheim. Roll 'em..
First sequence in Mother Gotham's Bakery.
[reel winding]
Wow! What a gasser.
[laughing]
Our stars. Our unwitting stars, Von Bloheim.
- Where are they? - Oh, just a moment.
They make their appearance in the picture...now.
[Riddler laughing]
'Action.'
[laughing continues]
Now comes the topper!
Oh!
[all laughing]
Watch. Watch these costume clowns dance to my tune.
Oh!
[laughing]
But we have an even more dazzling one to film.
[dramatic music]
My tricky brew.
All ready for the fatal party.
Are you sure Batman and Robin will be there, Riddler baby?
Of course they'll be there.
On the flyleaf of that book, I left them
the clearest clues conceivable.
"Riddle number one.
"What do you find in a kitchen cabinet
"that is not alive?"
I should hope, sir, that in the cabinet
of a properly run kitchen one would find
nothing whatever alive.
Alfred's right, Batman.
In a clean kitchen cabinet, everything should be dead.
Dead knifes, dead forks, dead spoons--
Dead pots, dead pans..
(both) Deadpans!
- Beg pardon, sir. - Don't you see, Alfred.
It fits right in with the criminal theme.
Deadpans, like those comics used to use
in the old silent films. Deadpan expressions.
Riddler's telling us his next will be a deadpan caper.
Ah, yes. Most ingenious.
Now, let's apply our brain power to riddle number two.
"When is a new car considered to be seedy?"
Holy kindergarten! That's almost too easy.
A new car is seedy when it's a lemon.
- Right. - You don't fancy, sir.
That this famous desperado
intends to stoop to the robbery of a lemonade stand?
You've hit it! It fits like my glove.
What, Batman?
Mr. Van Jones is a famous collector
of deadpan silent films.
He's also a noted Temperance leader.
And he's invited Bruce Wayne to a party this afternoon
in which nothing will be served but lemonade.
Wow!
Will Mr. Wayne attend, sir?
Send his regrets, Alfred, he will not.
But Batman will.
Come on, Robin, we may still have time
to spike Riddler's punch.
Watch what this liquid does when it is introduced
into the drinks, you will see a Temperance Party
shot into...a Temper Party.
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
Alas, too late, for even as the dynamic duo
speeds towards the residence of Millionaire Van Jones
someone else is in Van Jones' pantry first.
Spiking the punch.
That should bring out the temper in these Temperance fellows.
Got the camera handy, C.B?
Where I can grab it in a jiffy.
Happy shooting. Enjoy...the comedy to come.
[indistinct chattering]
[pleasant music]
Maury Wills is better than Honus Wagner?
Fifty times better.
You're an ignorant oaf, Chief O'Hara.
I wonder why I keep you in my department?
Your Royal Highness, often I wondered why I don't resign.
[music continues]
Oops!
You clumsy brut, did you bump into me on purpose?
I'm sorry. Terribly.
I didn't think Batman was on your guest list, Mr. Van Jones?
Considering these louds who were, dearie.
'I'd say that's entirely in his favor.'
Pretty sour lemonade, Van Jones.
You don't like it, lump it.
Personally I think, it's unusually sweet.
The boors a man in my position has to tolerate.
Is it worth it? Nah!
Batman to Batmobile.
All quite here, Batman. Any sign of the Riddler?
Not a trace, Robin.
But there's something strange going on here.
Everyone seems to be in the most incredibly bad temper.
- 'It's pink.' - In fact..
Say that once again, stupid.
Your dress is pink, color blind.
I'll call you back.
[instrumental music]
Give him a solid..
[music continues]
Oh, sir. Sir, please help me. Please.
What's the matter?
A horrible man dressed in green tights
just leapt out of the bushes and seized my little brother.
What? Dress in green?
Yes. And he shouted the strangest thing.
He said, "A clue."
He shouted at me and "When is a bonnet not a bonnet?"
The Riddler. And that clue's a snap.
A bonnet is not a bonnet, when it becomes a young woman.
Oh, how clever you are.
[instrumental music]
[laughing]
Citizens! Stop it.
Stop it!
Stop this.
Have you all lost your senses?
[speaking in foreign language]
The Batman spots us.
[gunshot]
Batman to, Robin.
Batman calling, Robin.
'Do you read me, Robin?'
'Robin.'
Riddle me this, my criminal crew.
When does a Boy Wonder, rhyme with bubble?
When he's in trouble.
Wrong. When he's double.
[laughing]
Split in two halves..
...right down the middle.
[all laughing]
[machine whirring]
Camera ready to roll, C.B?
Rollin, Riddler baby.
[Riddler laughing]
How would you like your sideburns, Boy Wonder?
Long or short?
Batman will get you for this, Riddler.
- Oh! - 'But will he get you?'
I believe you said, he'd be here in no time?
Question? Is no time, in time?
[laughing]
Uh!
[all laughing]
After many gassers... here's the real buzzer!
Is Robin going to wind up as his own double?
Incredible but true.
Batman will not arrive in time!
Will we see the Boy Wonder sawed in two?
[laughing continues]
Tune in tomorrow!
Same Bat-time!
Same Bat-channel!
[laughing continues]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na
¶ Batman